Dandy Andy

Dandy Andy

On my to do list...

There is an exhibit of Andy Warhols work from the 1980s "Andy Warhol: The Last Decade Exhibition and Programs" It is showing at The Modern in Fort Worth, through May 16th and I hear it is a "must see". Check it out online http//www.themodern.org

Abandonment: It's Complicated

Abandonment: It's complicated. Ever ended a relationship that just wasn't working and then felt like you were losing your mind? An otherwise stable woman reduced to an emotional basket case full of fear, panic and indecision?

Attachment is how we bond. It's also what makes it so hard to end a relationship. Abandonment and fear can kick in whether you are the person who ended it or not. It's what happens after you know you've done what's right for you by ending it. Ever felt a flood of terror overtaking you like the world is coming to an end? You're alone and it's scary. You become unsure of your decision, then you want to take it back. You can't go on like this without him. If there was some financial security in the relationship that throws another complication into the mix. Those intense feelings you are experiencing are abandonment not the depth of your love.

When feeling this overwhelming fear you question yourself. Did I make a mistake? You want him back. He may have moved on and doesn't want you back. That feeling of rejection adds an even bigger whammy! You feel desperate! You feel like an emotional wreck, a crazy person.

The level of absolute terror you are experiencing may feel like you are being pushed off of a cliff. You can't breathe and can't think. You feel immobilized and crippled with panic. You obsess about him. You replay the minutia of the relationship over and over again in your head. Maybe it was really all your fault. You feel like a shaky addict and he is your drug. You want it back like it was. You may call him and that may make it better for a moment. You may feel worse about yourself after calling. You feel desperate, you're spinning out of control. Groveling does not work. If you do, it will take you to a new low with your self esteem flatter than a pancake. Groveling is not an option. HOLD YOUR SPACE Retain some of your dignity. You'll be glad later when you have some clarity and feel grounded again.

Chill and breathe, it's not him you are in love with, it's you that needs to heal. These overwhelming feelings and absolute panic are not love. It's the severed attachment, and the resulting abandonment you feel. He has met a need in you and now he's gone. It's like an addiction and you think he is the cure. Focus. Look at what you know about the relationship and why it didn't work. That is real.

Your task is to begin to heal the part of you inside that's wounded and only you can do it. Friends, family and a professional can help and you'll get there. Prayer helps too. Look at your pattern of being in relationships. Do you go back into it rather than facing moving on alone? Do you fill the void with another relationship with no time to grieve in between? Is it hard for you be alone? The part of you that bonded so strongly to him is Attachment, the resulting terror and panic is Abandonment. Your task is developing healthy boundaries and loving yourself. You can't be healthy with someone else until you can stand on your own two feet. Then it's your choice to be in a relationship rather than filling an empty need. HOLD YOUR SPACE
You can do it.

Blame It On The Oxytocin

Ever slept with "your" guy for the first time and felt really bad afterwards? You've had the sexual tension build up. You finally consummate the deal only to feel totally vulnerable and overly sensitive? It's not the morning after glow you'd been hoping for. Is your objectivity gone? Is your confidence wavering? Are you feeling unsure of yourself? Blame it on the Oxytocin.

It's the hormonal bonding element that (I speculate) keeps the species going by having women bond to men. Yes, it is a chemical secreted in the pituitary gland during and/or after sex. Men can pollinate many flowers and few have the same super glue bonding experience. It's sex to them. To us, it feels like the glow of love...'til the next morning.

Make your choices wisely. Get clear about what you want. Talk about it. Get to know who he is, not who you want him to be. Avoid your unspoken expectations by learning what kind of relationship you both want. Lay the groundwork. Talk about it and be on the same page before the Oxytocin is released. HOLD YOUR SPACE You'll save yourself some heartache.

A Bird and a Fish

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they live? Opposites do attract. It happens often, and it seems so right at first. When reality does set in, it's smart to look at the truth.

Are we too different to build a life together? On the flip side, what can we learn from each other? Are our differences really too much to overcome? Can we meet in the middle? Otherwise, will we have to bend so much that one of us may drown and the other be left flipping on the bank and gasping for air?

Do your best to see things from the other persons' perspective, if you can. We all want to be understood. If not, move on, don't waste time, you'll take with you what you've learned from the relationship. The lessons learned will help you when you're in one that doesn't require so much work.

You'll Never Walk Alone

It may feel like you're alone and you may be afraid at times, but you are not. If you are going into court, a job interview, job review, chemo, surgery, giving a speech, whatever is big time scary at the moment, it's OK.  Take with you all the wisdom you already know and the energy of those who love you. Take your spiritual knowing and your trust that you are being guided and protected. They are all there with you. HOLD YOUR SPACE.  You are on your path. Remember to breathe through the event, be present and know that all is well. You will not be shot by a firing squad, you will live to see the other side. There is no way out but through. It will soon be over, and you are not alone.

Glamour Girl

My Mom was so very elegant I just had to post this pic. (click on it to make it bigger) She worked for a well known photographer when she moved to The City in Texas. He's the man on the right who mentored her. She learned to photograph and hand paint or aqua tint photographs since there was no color back then. (Mom tinted the photo of she and Paint that follows) Mom thought the world of him. Although Mom had many suitors, she met and later married my Dad not long after this was taken. Dad was in the first class of jet fighter pilots, a Yankee and new to the state. (see Headwinds and Tailwinds for his pic) It's a little bit of history.

Paint: The Wonder Horse

Mom and Paint

We heard lots of stories about Paint when I was growing up. My Mom loved this horse. She said when one of their mares was pregnant her Dad said "...now when that colt is born he'll be yours." Mom said she couldn't wait 'til the day came when he was born. She was there in the middle of the night and took care of him from the beginning. They grew up together and were quite a pair. I can't remember how old Mom said she was the day Paint was born. Mom rode Paint to school every day and tied him up outside while she was in class. It was a country school in a small Texas hill country town with combined grades. Their land bordered the Johnson ranch, and one of her brothers was LBJs best friend growing up.

Mom told us one day after school she was riding home and when she leaned to open the gate to their ranch, the saddle flipped to the side. Mom held on but when the saddle fell under Paints belly, she had to let go. Paint went running home without her. She dusted herself off and walked home. Mom had forgotten to tighten Paints' girth after she got out of school. She said her Dad was so worried when Paint came running in because he knew what a good rider she was. Then he saw the saddle under Paint and he knew what had happened.

Mom had baby lambs, goats, calves and her dog named Ring. She was great with animals and loved them all. She said the little Banty roosters were the most fun to watch, prancing around. Her favorite was her pet squirrel. Mom found it when it was a baby and fed it with an eye dropper to keep it alive. She said it didn't have any fur on it at all when she found it. It was so tame it would stay in her pocket and then on her shoulder when it got bigger. It played and lived in the orchard they called the North 40 while Mom was at school. Her brothers were hunting one day and Moms' brothers friend shot it without knowing it was hers. Mom was devastated when she saw what was happening. She tried to stop them ran after them, and screamed at them. Her brother yelled, "No..it's my sisters!" It was too late. She said they were so mean they skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of her.

I know it was hard for Mom growing up with five older brothers. They teased her and played tricks on her all the time. Her mother died when she was only fifteen and she had already lost two older sisters. The only woman in a ranch home with six big German men. She learned to be a strong and independent young woman who had to think for herself. She learned how to Hold Her Space early on. I don't know how she turned out to be so elegant and feminine without any older women around to guide her. She just was.

Mom left school after her mother died to help her Dad with the duties of the ranch and home. These days she wouldn't have had to make that choice at just 15. They already had a family who lived in a house on the ranch to help run it and hired help in the home. Maybe Mom was grief stricken to lose her Mother and didn't want to go back to school. It was expected back then for the woman to take up the slack and I always thought she wanted to help her Dad. The boys didn't help much, they played and just made more work for her. Turned out Mom was the only loyal and responsible one out of all but one of them. No matter how rough things seemed, Mom always had Paint the Wonder Horse to ride off on for an escape and to make life a little easier.

I do know she was the apple of her Dads' eye. He loved and appreciated her hard work, dedication and her kind and gentle spirit. Her Dad would tell Mom "If you want, I'll get you the moon and a star to go with it". They owned the first car in the town, so her Dad had means. He gave her a beautiful wedding when she later married my Dad. Her elegant dress was selected by Mom, designed and came all the way from New York City. Not bad for a small town Texas girl.

Today, I have those boots she's wearing in the picture with Paint, some big shoes to fill.

One Year Today

My Mom died one year ago today. In some ways it seems like last week. In other ways it seems like an eternity since I've heard her voice or been able to hug her. I miss her so much and life just isn't the same without her here. I talk to her every day and I know she's with me. I just miss her so much I hurt.

I realize there is no love like the love I felt from my Mother. Others can love us, our friends, family, lovers and husbands. The love of a parent for a child is different, it's unconditional. Mom wasn't going anywhere. She listened to me and accepted me right or wrong. She was there for me and helped me ground whenever I needed her. She was a major stabilizing force in my life.

Tonight I went to mass with my Dad, two sisters and brother. Mom would be proud of us. I don't go to church very often, nor does my brother.  After mass, we visited the church garden where Moms ashes are interred. We saw the newly engraved granite name plate with her name and dates of birth and death. We each cried. It was an emotional time for all of us. Dad showed us the tree he had planted in the garden for Mom. She would like it, Mom loved trees. The tree will have pink blossoms, one of her favorite colors. We later went to dinner at Moms' favorite restaurant and I'm sure she was there with us. She was a special lady and lives on inside each one of us. We all learned so much from her wisdom and grace. I'm grateful to have known her and to have had her with me as long as I did.

I Hold My Space in the place of Healing and Letting go.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Yes, that old song rings in my head. Breaking up is hard to do! It's so very very true. Why is it so hard?

We bond with the other person. We place our hopes and dreams on a life of happily ever after together. We have to grieve the life we planned as well as the loss of the person and the relationship. We think of them often throughout the day. We text, talk on the phone, email and  make plans to see each other. Their life is a part of ours. We are in the the Love Bubble.

When the relationship ends, for whatever reason, it hurts, we hurt. Some is the pain of attachment and the resulting withdrawal. We have to retract the energy and love we have placed on the object of our affection in order to move on. It takes time to heal. Some say it takes at least half of the time you were in the relationship to get over it. I think that is partly true. What is more of a barometer for recovery is the depth of feelings we had for each other. If we love deeply it only makes sense that the depth of grieving and loss is equal to the height of joy and love we felt.

You may be in disbelief that it is over. Is this for real? If it is your choice to end it, it's still a shock. It's a loss and grieving takes time. Be gentle with yourself and get back to center. You are learning about yourself, what you want and what is right for you. Trust and listen.

Remember, if you are with the wrong person, the right one can't come in. That thought may help you move forward. HOLD YOUR SPACE

A New Kidney for Mardi Gras

My sons' friend is getting a new kidney today. He going into surgery in a couple of hours. He's says he's scared. The first one wasn't a match, this one is. He's been waiting for years and I hope his body accepts this new organ with ease. Anyone who reads this send up a prayer for John, his new kidney and his new life.

P.S. the kidney was not healthy enough, so he's back on the list.  Pray for a healthy kidney for John.

Valentines Day

 

Valentines Day!

I received this sweet and heartfelt card from a dear friend who took the time to make it for me.

Valentines Day is a special day to remember all of those we Love and care for.  

We can each have more Love in our lives all the year through. 

HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Love with an Open Heart

A Swing and a Miss

The date went fine. I enjoyed the food, wine and our conversation. We had some funny moments and laughed. He's tall, handsome and intelligent. He was a gentleman. Something in my gut just wasn't quite right and I couldn't quite put my finger in it.  He said he wanted to make a plan to see me again. As we parted he said he didn't want to wait another six months.  I agreed to dinner Saturday night. 

After I left him that night and the next morning I was thinking I didn't want to go to dinner with him and I wasn't sure why I was feeling pressured.

The next day I got my answer. He called multiple times on my work line and left two messages. I didn't answer or return the calls.  I had meetings and was super busy. I told him the night before I was taking my car in for repairs early and had a busy day.

He called, texted me and left a message on my cell phone as I was being driven to pick up my car. I learned from my coworker she had answered my line and told him I was gone for the day.  In the message he left on my cell phone he said he knew I had left work early and wondered what my plans were. High Maintenance.

Too much, waaaay too much. There's no emergency here. I now know why my gut was uneasy. It's interesting how I was getting the intuitive messages about him before the behavior showed up. Control?  Some would say maybe he just  liked me. Maybe I just wasn't as interested in him. In the past I may have been flattered by his attention and his interest in me. I may have gotten caught up in a relationship that wasn't right for me. Not today. I realize how independent and discerning I've become. I trust my gut about what road to go down. I've learned the hard way.

I kept my Saturday night date as agreed. He commented on how I never answered my phone and I told him I was busy at work. I may have found the time to return his calls if he had stopped calling me.  He said he would give me another chance. I felt put off by his comments. He seemed arrogant. Although a nice man, we have very differing views in many areas. He made several  references to "those liberals" and a socialist President. He told me he wasn't judgemental and called me "sweetie". I listened. We're light years apart. I think he's used to getting his way with women based on his looks and success. I'm looking for substance.  A Swing and a Miss. There will be other opportunities for a home run on a different field.

Snow in Texas

We had amazing snow today! It was an all time record and over 9 inches! I took this picture on my way to work. It was a winter wonderland. We lost alot of tree limbs and many homes were without power.

Not My First Rodeo

I have a date this evening. It's been awhile since I've been on a date or seen this guy. I went out with him  last summer. I didn't return his call when he contacted me again.  I was just really busy, and maybe a little not that  interested. So It's been 6 months, he's called again and I'm going.  We'll see what develops.

He's been with an NFL team  (not as a Player) for many years, and is now a college coach.  The red flags that went up were around all that testosterone. Although I like a man's man, what's his attitude toward women? Does he see them as decorative objects like the cheerleaders on the sidelines? How interested is he in what I have to say?  How much has he grown?  I've been around this block before. Not my first Rodeo.  Although a lot older ( and hopefully wiser) I have been a "show pony." The perfect mans' accessory, attractive and personable, with a side of polite dinner party and cocktail conversation.

Today I know what I want. It has taken me awhile to figure it out and I'm still learning. I've had relationships both good and bad and I've learned from each one. It's not easy I'll say that!  I've had to know myself well enough to understand what it is I want in a relationship. Now it's a matter of holding my space for what I want, not selling myself (or the other person) short. This is just a date, but I'll know more about him. Not to sound harsh, but I'll know if I want to spend any more of my precious time in his company.

Relationship Boundaries

 

Boundaries and Balance

The Dance

Boundaries are important in any relationship, and are a gauge for it's level of health. Boundaries keep it clear and non toxic. I stop here and you start there. It's a balance. You each have space and the space allows for intimacy. It's honest and above board.

Boundaries are not always easy to establish if you don't already have them operating.  Especially true when in a new relationship. You love seeing each other and want to spend every waking (and sleeping)  moment together. To breathe each other in like a fine wine or beautiful flower is heaven. Beware, for Enmeshment ensues. It's difficult to be together constantly and intertwine without the risk of losing yourself. At some point, you'll want to have a night out with the girls. Come up for air. You'll want a weekend away, or just to stay at home alone.

How do you manage this once your routine is in motion, established and you're together every night? It's hard to turn the clock back and rewind to an earlier time.Will he go away or be hurt if you tell him you don't want to see him every night? Or will you feel abandoned after you get what you ask for? Either way, the relationship sure isn't worth it if you have to lose yourself or both morph into one to sustain it.  Finding the balance for each of you is the key to what will work best for the relationship.

As difficult or uncomfortable as it is, talk about it.  Be honest about what you want, ask for it and let the chips fall where they may. You will feel freer once you get what's on your mind off of it. Your relationship will move to another level. You will create intimacy with your honesty. Freedom within the relationship is the best freedom there is! HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Boundaries and Balance.

Who Dat!

Superbowl  Sunday. My Dad's coming over to watch the game with me today. My daughter and her boyfriend will be here as well. Although I'm a Cowboy fan first, I'm pulling for The Saints. I'd love to see them win their first Superbowl ever!

New Orleans has come so far since the days after Katrina. The storm was devastating. We we saw so many homeless survivors, hurt and hungry gathered on cots in the Superdome. The pain and sadness was written all over their faces. Many had lost their loved ones. They were the ones who had been to the gates of hell and survived. What a victory of the spirit for their beloved team to take home the ultimate prize of football!

Who Dat gonna beat them Saints?  Nobody!

31 to 17! Saints Rocked it

Awakening The Spirit

My kindred spirit and friend sent this info to me on a spiritual series with 40 days of information from 40 authors and spiritual teachers. (The link follows)  It reminded me of how we met and brought a smile to my face.

We joined a women's group at about the same time. The group was studying Native American tradition and spirituality. They were preparing for a vision quest in the mountains outside of Santa Fe. The vision quest was titled Mountain of Fear. This was many years ago and what a trip! We are forever bonded through this experience. Looking back, we had no idea what we were getting into.

I had never camped out before. So it was on the spot learning. We were in a group of  eleven women, mostly experienced. We had a tough crusty leader who gave us no slack.  Once in the mountains, at base camp, we fasted for 24 hours and each headed up to our chosen place alone on the mountain to spend the night. It immediately started hailing!  I had a sleeping bag and water, no flashlight. I did have matches. I didn't bring a tarp, although it was on my list.  Unprepared I was! A wiser woman than I handed me two black trash bags as we headed out. I asked her "for what?" She looked at me with disbelief and said, "for cover!"   I quickly formed my rock circle of protection and called upon my ancestors to guide me through what I was to learn. It was a lot as it turned out, but not what I thought.

I was the farthest person out on the mountain. I saw the experienced woman who had led me to the group head in, after less than an hour. I made myself stay, to face my fears. I wasn't going to quit. I was there to learn and grow stronger. I had just gone through a divorce and wanted to be able to stand alone. I was not  going to miss whatever spiritual experience I had journeyed there for.

That was the coldest night of my life. I'm lucky I didn't loose my toes to frostbite. They were completely numb. I made a small tent out of the two trash bags I had been given. I split them open and used sticks from a bush within my circle to form what kept me somewhat dry. It rained half of the night. I was freezing, aching and wondered what I was doing far from home, alone on the top of a mountain?  My sleeping bag was soaked by morning.

The night was beautiful and the stars were the brightest I have ever seen. I will never forget the beauty of the constellations as they passed overhead. I was a little afraid at times and very afraid at other times.  I figured it was too cold for snakes to be out. I did worry about the bears. I didn't think far enough ahead as to what I would do if I saw one. The plan was to stay awake all night for the experience. I remember dosing off and dreaming a bear came and slashed me in the throat. Was I hallucinating due to lack of food? I quickly startled in panic and saw what appeared to be three tall and willowy beautiful Indian women coming through the trees. They drifted toward me like clouds through the tall aspen trees. I knew they were there to comfort me.  I was exhausted and finally rested. I was not alone, I felt nurtured and protected.

I made it through that night. I needed to do it for me, to Hold My Space. Making it through somehow strengthened me. The next morning cold, wet, exhausted and sore I gathered my things and made my way back down the mountain. We shared our stories and experiences. Everyones experience was different. We each learned something that we would take away with us tucked in our hearts.  One woman had taken a walk after breakfast and to her amazement had spotted a large brown bear in the meadow! It was very close to what had been my spot on the mountain.

I learned I am resourceful and determined. I was stronger than I ever realized.  I had no sense being out on that mountain in freezing cold weather. I don't have to prove anything to myself. I listen to and value my intuition and I was protected that night.

Go to www.sacredawakeningseries.com 
to sign up for 40 days of the Sacred Awakening Series.

Wear Red Today

Today is a day to wear Red for our Hearts. It's a reminder to all that heart disease kills ALOT of women. As a matter of fact, it is the number one killer of women!  I don't know the exact number of lives taken each year. I'm adding this link for more information. www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth
We think of cancer, especially breast cancer, as the big killer of women. Yet heart disease is the silent killer and weighs in at #1.  Wear Red, remind your family and friends, and have your heart checked.

Go Red for Women sponsored by www.americanheartassociation.com  provides a wealth of information on heart disease and its prevention.
Love yourself, Love your Heart

My Blog Yoda

My Blog Yoda has taught me how add pics onto my blog so here are a few. They were taken last September on my trip to Germany and Poland with my Dad and Sis. All pictures were taken with my iphone, isn't it amazing?

Frankfurt, Germany train station

Hotel Cafe in Berlin

Gates to the Archive in Szezchin, Poland

Caught in the rain in Gdansk, Poland

We were close to the Russian border.

View from our hotel window in Szezchin, Poland

Nowogard, Poland previously known as Falkenburg when it was part of Germany

My fathers' relatives (and mine) were from this little town, we never located them.

Celebrating 700 years!

Oops! Flat tire on the Autobahn

Lobby of our Hotel in Garmisch, Germany

(it's an American Hotel)

The Olympics were held in this little 'burb in the '30s (I think)

View of the Beautiful Alps from our hotel window

Bad Bugs

I was very sick with a baaaaad bug and it brought me to my knees, literally. It started in the middle of the night, early Tuesday morning. I was up nearly all night "tossing my cookies" as my sweet mother politely put it.

I was so sick and weak I wondered if I was gonna make it. Where did this come from? What was it that I ate? Many of us go through this wretching but we never really talk about such an unpleasant subject because we're so happy to get to the other side. My body feels like it has been run over and my muscles ache to the bone. I'm recovering and yes, I'll live.

I feel like I've been "gone" for a couple of days and now I'm reentering my life. All of the things that don't matter when you're very ill are there waiting for you to catch up. The bills the there, the cable not working, tolltag update, car repair, laundry and calls to return are all signs of the pace I keep, in addition to work.

I appreciate the simple things in life much more (taking a shower) and realize how much I take my health for granted. Illness is humbling and we all go through it. So many people do not have the miracle of recovery, and the ability to bounce back as I do. I know that in another day I will be back on the same track I was on, but with more gratitude. I HOLD My SPACE in the place of health and humility.

Avatar

I went to see Avatar and spent a Sunday afternoon with a dear friend I hadn't seen in nearly a year. The film was inspiring, spiritual and we both enjoyed the entire 3D experience. The last time we had seen each other was the night before my Moms' memorial service last February. My friend came to the rosary and gathering  for my mother even though she was working and had a houseful of out of town guests. It meant so much to me to have her there. Good friends come through in the clinches.

She understands about losing someone dear, and the grief that ensues. You see, her brother was murdered by her niece. Her niece put a chemical, barium acetate, from her high school Chemistry class in the take out mexican food she was microwaving for him. They were on their way to evening church and he was taking a quick shower before dinner. She mixed the chemical in his refried beans and watched him as he ate. She ran next door for help after he began to writhe in pain. The paramedics came, he was taken to the hospital and died quickly of unknown causes. She knew the chemical was untraceable. She was an A student.

It was several years later when she was in college that she confessed her crime to her best friend. She had been reading Hamlet and I guess she couldn't keep the secret of her fathers' murder in any longer. Her friend contacted the authorities and the rest is history. A trial ensued, she was found guilty and sent to prison.

There's much more to the story...My point in writing about it is that when the film Avatar came to an end, my friend turned to me and said "I felt both my brother and your mothers presence with us in the film." I had the very same thoughts, and she expressed them. I think of my mother often. Her death will be a year this month. My friend lost her brother 17 years ago. I'm not sure why we each felt the same presence and feelings but it was comforting to both of us.

P.S. I discovered today that my friends' brother and my mother died on the same day, February 18th

Guys Like Mean Girls

My Ex married a Mean Girl so I've given this some thought. He didn't leave me for a Mean Girl, or this could be really painful. I was the one who wanted a divorce, after I had tried my best to work it out. Maybe I set him up for her. He's tried harder with her and put up with a lot, from what I hear. I do know this about her, she always gets her way. It doesn't hurt that her family owns an oil company, but that's beside the point.

What can we learn from the Mean Girls that will help us? Sometimes known as _itches, they know exactly what they want and how to get it. They don't even have to speak up for themselves. It can be as small a gesture as a raised eyebrow, or a tilt of the head, and he knows he's out of line. Mean Girls are not wishy washy. They take good care of themselves. Their clothing, hair, nails down to the smallest details are impeccable. They put themselves first.

Mean Girls keep men on their toes. Men have to work at it, and be on their best behavior to stay in the game with them. Men strive to be good enough just to be with them, for they see them as the prize. Men take them to fine restaurants, bestow flowers and often expensive gifts.

For the most part, Mean Girls appear confident and independent. They won't put up with any BS, and don't compromise. They have been known to string men along. Often they move on to the next guy if they think he's a better catch. Shallow, yes, but there is something they can teach us about valuing ourselves and having boundaries.

We can learn a lot from them, without being mean. They have boundaries. Love yourself first, then you can Love another.
Hold Your Space

The Domino Effect

The Domino Effect is another way of saying Compounded Grief. Serial monogamists without much healing in between relationships have to face the music sooner or later. Some go from serious and committed relationship to relationship without grieving each loss. Been there done that. The next relationship serves as a Bandaid without much chance of ever sticking or lasting. There's too much unresolved stuff we didn't sort through and learn from. It's like a giant emotional whammy when it hits. Enough is enough.

It's time to deal with the wake of all the relationship debris and get back to center. HOLD YOUR SPACE Give yourself the time you need to heal. We each have to be able to be alone and stand on our two feet before we can be healthy with someone else.

Cut The Cord

For me, clearing out and cleaning out my closet is torture! I hold on to too many of my clothes. It takes me forever to get through them and make decisions on giving things away. It's overwhelming to me. I usually have a much bigger mess than when I started. That's where I am right now as I'm writing this, so I'm avoiding.
Many of my clothes I don't wear and I don't have room for them. I can't find what I want to wear and I don't know what I have 'cause I can't find anything. I can go shopping in my closet. Ok, I really have three. It takes me unearthing what I have crammed and folded and stuffed into every nook and cranny of all three closets to find what I want.

I have vowed this year to cut the cord. No more excuses on I might wear this to go... sailing,? to go horseback riding,? to go fishing,? (yes fishing) to go to Cabo, (now that sounds good) or to a wedding, or whatever! Any future event will do to find an excuse to hold on. I think it must be my fear of lack, after all, I might need it someday. Or, I might lose weight and I really like it too much to give away! Maybe I hold on because I didn't have a lot of clothes growing up and I wore uniforms through some of my school years.

For whatever reason, it's not working for me today. I am committing to make my life simpler and easier by releasing. I'm cutting the cord, I don't need it all. It helps me to tell myself someone will go to Goodwill and be thrilled to have this or that. So I'm heading back into the closet to put some action behind these words. I can work on it in doable portions instead of all at once. I'm doing something to make my life better, keeping focused on my goal. I Hold My Space in the place of order, ease and simplicity. Here's a link with some tips on organization.
www.lonnymag.com

Know When to Fold 'em

I received an email from my friend who is recovering from the ending of her four year (back and forth) relationship. She said she was having a really Bad Day. She was angry. I was pleased to hear she's angry because she's beginning to get her feet back under her.

She moved out while her man was out of town. They had been having problems for a long time. She left a letter behind detailing why it hadn't worked and why she was leaving. She took her stuff and left.

She was angry she emailed, because she had not heard from him. She said it was not like she wanted him to come after her,(?) she just couldn't believe that after four years he would not have called to check on her, see where she was living or that she was OK. I emailed her that if he was the kind of man who would be calling to talk or check on her she probably wouldn't have left.

He may call her at some point when he realizes she's really gone. I'm sure he thinks it's another breather. She's always been the one working harder to try and make the relationship work than he was. She may have to go back for yet another round. I think we have to do it over and over 'til we get it, however long that is. He took her letter at face value, for now, she's gone. I wish I could tell her differently but I don't think he's changing.

He knows why it hasn't worked, without reading the letter. She's told him over and over many times. My friend is the one that needs to realize it's time to fold 'em. He wasn't willing to do what she needed, that's clear. As long as she's the only one continuing to try and to take up all the slack, it won't work.

She's still hoping he'll see the light, realize what a good thing he had, come get her and they'll work it all out. I've been there. It's like you're circling in a holding pattern. You're hoping he'll come back with some lightening striking new understanding, his heart filled with love and you'll live happily ever after. Not gonna happen. They've been back and forth and round and round too many times with no change.

This is where, as Kenny says, "You gotta to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." HOLD YOUR SPACE
Let go, get over the hump and you'll see things for what they are.

Learn from the Past and Plan for the Future

Yes, I think this is the key. Learn and Plan. We can save ourselves much heartache if we learn from the past and plan for the future. What didn't work, and what do you want? The old expression too soon old and too late smart, says what happens when we don't learn.

I went to a seminar some time ago. They did an exercise where you were to imagine you had just three months to live. What would you do? It was effective because it made me think in terms of what's really important to me. It cut straight to the chase. Made me look at my procrastinating and take action on what I want in my life. What are we waiting for? HOLD YOU SPACE Learn and Plan, Live the Life you want.

Headwinds and Tailwinds

 

Dad the Rocket Jockey

Today is my Dads birthday, he's 87 and he's a flight instructor. I've grown up hearing about Headwinds and Tailwinds. Dad started flying when he was in his early 20's. He still flies and teaches several times a week. He loves it. His goal is to be the oldest flight instructor in the state. I think he's there,(maybe the nation) but he doesn't want to draw any attention to the fact.
Dad was awarded the Wright Brothers Master Pilot Award several years ago by the FAA. You have to have been flying consecutively over 50 years with no accidents to even be considered for it. Dad has a great reputation and students like to learn from him because he's the best, with all of his experience, including combat. He was in the first class of jet fighter pilots, The Guinea Pigs. They lost half of his class in plane crashes. I don't know how my Mom stood it. She said when someone went down, the wives would all hurry down to the flight line to see all the planes land, who made it home and who didn't.
I didn't get the flying gene and don't like to fly. I consider it a necessity to get from one place to the other. I hate turbulence and flying through storms. I once wrapped my arms around a pole in the airport and held on with all my might. I refused to get on the plane with my family. We were boarding a plane headed for Japan. My Dad was going to be in VietNam for part of the time. We would stay behind and live in Japan with Mom.
At the last minute, I refused to get on the plane and fly over all that water. I was 11 and I was panic stricken. My good friend had just died in a plane crash. He was going to visit his grandmother in Denver, and the new jet crashed.
The PanAm plane was on the tarmac and completely boarded. In those days, a protesting eleven year old could hold up an entire flight. It was a huge new white jet with a bright blue logo. The plane was filled with young military men on board and my family. It looked gigantic to me. I decided that second to stay behind in California while they lived in Japan for the next 3 years.
The only way I agreed to release my grip on the pole was my Dad promised to fly the plane if we got into a storm or into any trouble. (Come to think of it, it was my first experience with holding my space) Dad agreed and I reluctantly boarded. It took everything I had to walk up the metal stairs to board. I felt like I was going to the gallows. I had my rosary clasped in my sweaty palm. Mom gave up her seat and I sat by Dad. I prayed and prayed that rosary. My younger sisters and brother were sitting calmly in their seats already buckled in. I didn't even care that I was the oldest and would get flack for it. It didn't matter. I was frozen in fear.
We didn't have much of a headwind or a tailwind. The flight was smooth. I learned to play poker with the young airmen. I played with them for hours and didn't hardly notice when we landed in Hawaii.
We stayed for a week and then flew on to Japan. It was easy to board that next flight. I'll never forget the pilot let me go into the cockpit to see beautiful Mt. Fuji as we descended into Tokyo.
Looking back, I really appreciate the fact that Dad didn't strong arm me or force me onto the plane. He was normally a really strict disciplinarian. Had I not let go of the pole, who knows how it would have ended. I've never forgotten that Dad was patient and understanding. He was kind when I really needed it and I love him for it. Happy 87th Birthday Dad!

No Doubt

Ever started to wonder about a friends motives? Think the man in your life may not be honest? Doubt is like a crabgrass that chokes out all of the love in your life. Check it out, find out what the truth is. Once you get your answers then come to a conclusion that works for you. Make a decision. Stop allowing doubt to enter your mind and have any power in your life.

I think doubt comes from insecurity and lack of trust. It's like sitting on a fence and not making a decision about what to do. Ever stayed stuck and just obsessed without coming up with a solution or moving on? For me it's based on fear and uncertainty. It's not trusting myself that I have the right answer for me.


"There is nothing more dreadful the the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." ~Buddha

Getting Over Him

I passed this on to my friend who is struggling with the ending of her relationship. She said it was "excellent advice," so I add it here for anyone who might find it to be helpful.

Thought stopping. It's a cognitive tool to help you move forward. Use your mind to change your thoughts and get unstuck. I told her when she starts to daydream about him, miss him and think of all the good things... STOP! Make a List of all the reasons it did not work. Keep this List and continue to add to it. She can read it whenever she begins to waver or doubt herself and the decision she made to end it. At some point, when she is over the hump, she can grieve and think of the good things. But not now. She's already cried a river and been immobilized just like she's stuck in deep mud.

The List will keep her out of denial. It's the reality of why it was not good for her. It is self discipline. It's using the part of her that knows what is best for her and keeping it close at hand. It will be her best friend down the road.
Instead of wondering "What he is doing?", STOP! She can ask herself "What am I doing? What can I do to make my life better? What action can I take now?"
It's having an automatic plan you don't have to think about. STOP thinking about him and START thinking about you. What can you do? Eat something healthy. Read something good. Keep your mind occupied with good thoughts. Say a prayer. Be grateful. It's not a brain tumor, and it's not a major earthquake. It feels like your heart is broken and it's the end of the world, but it's not. They are feelings and they will pass. Breathe and let them pass through you. You won't die from them. Life goes on, and so will you. This way it's sooner rather than later. Instead of being stuck in the mud indefinitely and it pulling you down, you'll have some traction.

By using these tools, she's breaking the habit of the toxic relationship and regaining her self esteem. She's taking her power back. She's starting over and beginning to care more about herself than she did about him. It's not easy but it's worth it, because she is. HOLD YOUR SPACE. Hang in there, trust yourself and what the future holds for you.

Pink Lady

My brothers' long time girlfriend has breast cancer. They've been living together for years. She was just diagnosed before Thanksgiving and has had three surgeries, one a mastectomy, in less than a month. She is in shock and she's scared. She's "afraid to die" she told me. Who isn't? It's right in her face, front and center. She's getting ready for radiation and chemo along with loosing her hair, and adjusting to having one breast. Quite a difficult adjustment and a lot to grieve over.

She told me she has always been the strong one, the one to give advice and that she's not good at receiving. It's hard to be vulnerable and now she's without a choice about it. Something new to learn, to let people be there for you.
Some part of her was able to conjure up a sense of humor amid her fear of dying. She had a large pink florescent sparkling Christmas tree in her den. She said she was "getting ready."

She's hard working and has had a successful career. She's Vice President of a large corporation and is well respected. Her career has been a large part of her life. Now, that she's been broadsided by a life threatening diagnosis, I think her priorities have shifted. Having our health and people we love (and who love us) around is what matters most.

I think of her daily and I pray for her healing. She has a tough journey ahead. She joins the many women who have gone before her. I told her the three women I know who were diagnosed have survived.
I think she will learn how truly strong she is through all of this and just exactly what she is made of. We'll be there for her while she does. HOLD YOUR SPACE

Eat the Big Frog First

Yes, eat the big frog first, or the worm or whatever. In other words, start with what you dread most and it's downhill from there.

I've learned, if I begin with just 20 minutes of doing what it is I'm avoiding I make progress, I'm unstuck. Usually I keep going but I know I can stop, because I've agreed to just 20 minutes of whatever it is. For a procrastinator it's a start.

"He is able who thinks he is able." ~Buddha

Today I Will...

Do anything today that will make your life better. Just one thing. Rinse your dishes. Smile. Say hello to someone. Begin to forgive the person it is hardest to. Do laundry. Hang up your clothes. Small steps lead to big changes. Just a side step off of the path we've been on can lead us in a whole new trajectory.

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." ~Buddha

Love Sick

I received a call from a dear friend who is struggling with the ending of a relationship. She is having trouble concentrating, difficulty breathing and doesn't want to eat. She's weak and her head is in a dizzying spin. She's "Love Sick" to put it mildly.

She's the one who ended this up and down roller coaster ride of a relationship lasting nearly two years. It's been full of pain, drama and heartbreak. She's doing her best to move on and she's staggering. Why then is she having such a hard time? One would think she'd be relieved and feel some freedom that at last it's over. She has tried and tried over and over and has given it all she's got.

These are the symptoms some would call "Love Sick." Today, I think it's the pain of withdrawal. Withdrawal from the hopes and dreams of happily ever after. She gave and gave and kept no reserve for herself. Now she has nothing left to start over with. It's all over there where he is. Oh, she has all of her material possessions. I'm speaking of her gumption, her fortitude and her sense of self. She's emotionally KO'd and her self esteem is gone.

My hope is that she does not go back for yet another round and my heart goes out to her. There have been multiple re-trys. My Rx for her would be to spend some time with friends and get to know herself again. Learn to say "No". Get some counseling and heal from the exhaustion. HOLD YOUR SPACE. I'd like her to begin to care for herself as if she has just come home from the Emergency Room, a life of heartache saved. I wonder what would she might tell her best friend to do?

We all have to find our way out of the pain of giving ourselves away. There is a balance we each must discover. I stop here and you start there. The process is like going to the dentist, no one can do it for you. We each have to sit in the chair and deal with the pain and fear of an extraction alone. It's just nice to have a friend sitting in the waiting room to help and drive you home.

Love Addiction!

Love Addicts, I write this to any and all of us who have been there! You know who you are. For those of you who have escaped to the other side and live to tell, Congrats! Yes it is just like being in Hell! It is self inflicted because we have totally lost our perspective on what real love is. There is no trust and no peace. We agonize and wring our hearts out over what never could or would have worked.
I have been on both sides of this complicated equation. I know of the pain I write. It's exhausting. Obsession+Panic=Craziness. There is a way out, and you my friend have the key.

You may feel lost and alone ending what you thought was happily ever after. It's not easy going through the dark scary forest of withdrawal alone and you are not. Many have gone before you through the emotional wasteland. You'll make it. HOLD YOUR SPACE Trust and believe in yourself and your decisions. There's a new life waiting.

The Party Never Ends...

The Party of Life that is...We all (or at least many of us) make New Years' resolutions. Most of them I never keep although I have pretty good intentions. I usually fizzle out a couple of weeks into January and then feel guilty. For me, they are weak attempts and lip service at being a better me. It's an effort at change for the better without a lot of conviction on my part. I get lazy.

In looking back, the one resolution I made and have kept (for many years) is I quit smoking. It wasn't easy but I knew it was important for my health. I was wheezing and dragging. I later learned I had asthma. So which came first the bad effects of cigarettes or asthma? I don't know. I just know it was a good decision. I haven't wavered or smoked in many years. I can say with conviction I will not smoke. That's a fact.

This year I am applying that same fortitude and self discipline to my New Years' resolution. I know I can do whatever I really want to do based on that one year. It doesn't have to be some bad habit that I stop. It can be adding something great I have always wanted to do. I gotta want it bad enough to overcome my old ways. Hold Your Space in a place of change for you. Whatever it is, 2010 looks brighter!

Don't Waste the Pretty

Ever been in a relationship or known a friend who hung onto a relationship that was never ever going to work? Even though the breakup was long overdue she stayed and stayed until her self esteem was flat as a pancake? It's harder to pick yourself up after you feel you've been run over by an emotional steamroller. It just gets worse and worse. We sell ourselves short by hanging on til the bitter end. I say Don't waste the Pretty, Hold your Space, cut your losses and move on. When the relationship starts to wane, for whatever reason, both parties know it. Well, I should add, at least the female in the relationship probably does.
Some men just don't want to commit for the long term and some don't want to commit at all. Commitophobes. They don't want to be the bad guy and break it off either. They want you to end it. They pull back. Herein lies the waning. Most men like having the benefits of a relationship including many things besides the sex. It's comfortable and safe. They have someone to cook dinner with, take to dinner parties, hang out with friends and maybe even do their laundry. It's great to have someone they trust to bounce ideas off of. They have a partner who cares for them. It's like all the benefits of playing house with no investment. It holds no negative for them, just all the good stuff. This is great until, after a year or so of dating, possible vacation getaways and sleepovers then it's time to fish or cut bait. At least from the woman's perspective. Then the trouble starts. He backs off, it's not fun for him anymore. The proverbial party is over. Time to face the music, it's the wedding music I mean.
If you begin to see multiple signs of hesitation around getting married, and that's really what you want, Don't Waste the Pretty, girlfriend. Hold Your Space, and move on with your head held high. As my Mom would say "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." Get out while the gettin' is good, there are other fish in the sea. It's his loss or could be yours if you waste anymore of the pretty!

Work Drama and Politics

Work drama can be the most stressful and worrisome problem to deal with. The Politics and difficult Personalities combo seem to permeate the workplace like a toxic gas. This hindrance can create obstacles to keeping focused and just doing your job, hopefully a good one. One's very livelihood feels threatened and it has nothing to do with work and performance. I have learned it is a great place to HOLD YOUR SPACE however challenging it may be to practice.
My best efforts are to keep my office space calm and relaxed and not allow the chaos and sinister underpinnings to draw me in. At times it seems like junior high with grown professional women behaving like mean girls. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to the taffy pull and machinations of the drama queens. Alignments are formed and cliques are alive and thriving in the workplace. Some participate in back stabbing only to keep their job secure. She's the "yes" girl. It's a dark energy vortex where sadly, they are stuck. I remember my mothers words "If you can't say something nice..." I hold my space. I do my best to stay neutral like Switzerland and out of the war zone.
It's a travesty of justice that some womens' petty lies and half truths can result in significant damage to anothers' position and very livelihood. The insecure female with some workplace power can be the worst offender. Their jealousy is so unattractive. Usually those who try to stack the deck against someone else get theirs in the end. I've seen it eventually lead to their own job loss. What goes around truly does come around. I hold my space in the place of calm, this too shall pass.

Planes Trains and a Skoda

I'm baaaaack from the "Seeking Fritz Muller" whirlwind tour of Germany, Poland and not enough of Bavaria. I learned a lot while there but not much about Fritz. The storms we flew around over the Atlantic were unnerving. Glad I asked my doc for Xanax before departing. We bobbed up and down and side to side like a cork at times. I held my Dads hand 'cause I was scared. It was a comfort to me since he's been a pilot for over 65 years. He slept through it like a baby. The flight over was TEN long hours. Lots of practice holding my space til we landed.
The train stations are great for people watching. The people are fit and hip, saw only one or two overweight people and thought they were probably Americans. We rode trains from Frankfurt, Berlin, overnight to Munich and on to Garmisch. It's good to go first class if you are traveling much by train. The ICE trains (Inter City Express) are the best. Get international calling. I bought an iphone before we left and was so glad I did. Better to use it for texting or for judicious calling, like a flat tire on the Autobahn. Get the adapter for your phone, no need for one for a hairdryer most hotels have them. Pack lightly, I took too many clothes, didn't wear them, and paid for it by lugging a heavy suitcase.
Skoda Superb is a great little car I'd never heard of. It's made by Volkswagen and not exported to the US. I drove east from Berlin in Germany and across Poland and back. The country was beautiful and the people kind and helpful. Except in Gdansk were someone shot me the finger, due to my driving, at least I think. Get a car with a navigation system, she, "Skodetta" saved us! I took some pics and will post them as soon as I figure out how. It's good to be home, in the words of Dorothy, there's no place like it!

A Wing and a Prayer

I'm going to Germany in two weeks and I'm not big on flying. That's where faith and trust come in. My Dad really wants to go back to the "fatherland". My sister and I (reluctantly) are going with him.
Both my Dad and Mom are of German descent. My Dads family from the eastern part of Germany and Moms from the southern part near France. Dad wants to return to where his grandfather was born. I think there must be a comfort in going to the places he heard about as a child. There is some mystery around what happened. His great uncle left Germany in secrecy and alone once the Russians invaded. Hopefully, Dads questions will be answered, and the mystery solved.
I have made arrangements to travel by train (200 mph I'm told) once we land in Frankfurt. We are visiting Berlin, Poland (driving), Munich, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein. Will be a whirlwind!
I have never been to Europe so this will be an adventure. I just need to get on the plane and Hold My Space for the ride.

The Wisdom of Restraint

The Wisdom of Restraint is another way to Hold Your Space.
Someone punches your button. You really want to jump in and throw down the gauntlet. You want to say something you know you shouldn't, and you don't, that is exercising your Wisdom of Restraint. It is easier said than done.
The subject can be the full range of many topics. The obvious and most controversial being politics and religion. For me, it happens more often with my family where I am "on auto" as the minority opinion. I have been in similar social situations and it's been much easier for me to remain close mouthed. Either way, I've learned for me, it's best not to take the bait.
I've had tempting situations also occur at work, when discussion of a coworker is the topic of the day. You'd love to open your mouth and give an opinion, but that could come back to bite you later. The Wisdom of Restraint. It has been empowering for me to learn just to listen and take note. Simply because I have an opinion doesn't mean it is to be spoken.
Even more difficult, the challenge may come from a dear friend who's (you think) with a man she probably shouldn't be. You want to head her off at the pass with what could be emotional suicide. Exercise Restraint. If she asks and really wants your opinion, then proceed with caution. You are standing on shaky ground, especially if she marries him.
Exercising Restraint may be the most trying of all when arguing with a husband/wife/lover. Words spoken are forever out there, unable to be taken back, erased or deleted. I know I have been cutting with my words coming from my own place of hurt and anger. Ask yourself, is this what I really mean? Is this what I want? Restraint is your ultimate friend. I've learned to first breathe, get clear, then speak my truth.
I should have learned this lesson long ago when arguing with my father. I could have saved myself from being grounded countless times on a Friday or Saturday date night. When talking about our teenage years my sister recently told me, "We often wondered why you didn't just shut up." I probably should have. They took the lesson to heart. I don't think my sisters were ever grounded.
After I told my first husband corundum was above diamond on Moh's scale of hardness, that became my nickname. I have learned the hard way. When I'm reacting because my button is pushed is so different than when I am choosing to respond. Hold Your Space.
Exercising the Wisdom of Restraint is a lesson well learned.

Mothers Day

You don't what you've got 'til she's gone. Last night I visited with my brother and father about Mom. We came to a consensus and appreciation of how lucky we were. We didn't realize we took for granted the wonderful person we had. It's just the way she was. She was a good and strong, stabilizing force. She wasn't a business person or a society person, she was a great wife and mother. She had style, grace and poise. She didn't say anything bad about anyone, and she was real. Mom just didn't like to badmouth or talk behind anyone's back. My brother in law said the worst thing he remembers her saying was "Why that little stinker!"
What a great example she was for all of us growing up. She taught us how to be good people. She gave to us all, but she wasn't a doormat. She was always there for us especially when we were in a jam. She'd help us out when we were in big trouble. She's stand by us. And with Dad, she would buffer the consequences of whatever punishment we were to receive.
Mom was born and grew up on a ranch in Blanco, Texas to German parents. She was proud to be a full blooded German. She told us how during the depression, her father had fed the people in the town who were hungry from the food grown on their ranch. "He was a good man," she told us.
Mom had five older brothers and lost a week old sister before she was born. Her older sister died mysteriously after childbirth. She had a lot of loss as I look back. Mom lost her own mother at fifteen. How she grew up to be a lady with such grace and poise with all those men I'll never know. She was the apple of her father's eye.
Mom loved her horse named Paint and she rode him to school each day. It was a one room schoolhouse with grades one through twelve. She probably already knew everything she needed. Mom knew how to pick cotton, embroidery, garden and loved animals. She loved their baby lambs and had a pet squirrel. She told us her brothers' friend shot her pet squirrel in their orchard and her brothers "skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of me."
Mom had her own ideas about life and would tell us to "stick to your guns" (my childhood version of Hold Your Space) She must have learned how to be strong with five big bruiser older brothers. She was true to herself, and taught us by example. I love her and I miss her.
I honor her with all my heart, today and always. Happy Mothers Day my sweet and beautiful Mom.

It's Just Stuff

I'm learning how after someone dies, the dysfunction in the family rises to the surface. The ugly emotional underbelly becomes visible. The family dynamics previously riding under the radar are now exposed. Alignments are made clear. Undercurrent manipulations are now brought to the light of day. It's as if Mom is no longer here to tell us to get along and we are misbehaving. It's painful to see. I know I can do it because she would want me to. She would want me to be a better person.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Since my mothers death, I've adopted much more of a "no bullshit" policy with myself. I've had a paradigm shift with what really matters. I'm grieving and it ain't for the weak. There's no time anymore for the motions I've gone through to please others. Looking at myself, I realize I'm at a whole new level of holding my space. I'm getting beyond the person I was. It's scary but I'm planning to stay here.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.

88 Good Grief

Today is my Moms' birthday. She would have been 88. She died two months ago today and in some ways it seems like two years so much has happened. I've cried and hurt and been mad and missed her and wished I'd done or said this or that..I keep going back to the same place I started which is letting go, or learning to. I'm not good at it. At times I realize I really don't know how. So many thoughts, feelings and doings have been crammed into these last two months I've exhausted myself. I'm learning this sort of "out of body" fog is what grief is. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, like a bad dream that doesn't go away. Yes, she really is gone. In my intellect I know she is in a much better place, I just miss her.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.

Free at Last

My Mom died last Wednesday, February 18th. The pain of losing her has been a hurt I have never known before. My sweet Mother is gone. She was elegant, graceful and kind. She never complained and I know she was in pain. She died of the complications of colon cancer. A devastating illness that ate up her insides and went on to her other organs, liver and lung. I know my life will never be the same without her. I knew her death was coming and I wanted to stop time or go back to when things were different and she was well. There are so many things I wished I had asked her about. She was so sick at the end we just voiced the very basics. Can I get you water? Are you hot or cold?
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.

Death is Certain

My mother is dying. I am so sad to loose her. She has been such an inspiration and has given us (my two sisters, brother and my father, her husband of 61 years) so many gifts from her heart. She has been there for us all through thick and thin. She never complained and always was there to help us. I know she will be out of pain when she leaves her body and is free of its limitations. It is in these final moments of her life I feel a fear I didn't know I had. I know she will pass to the other side and her spirit will return to its resting place. She can soar from being crippled by her lengthy illness.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.

How Exactly Though?

I had a recent comment from Becky with a question ..."How exactly though?" she asks. Her question was how to begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE. When you formulate the question, Becky, the answers do come.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.

Happily Ever Now

My son is a great one for living in the moment. He knows the power of living now. By just being around him, he is a reminder to me (when I get too far out there) to reel myself back into the present moment. We can live in and create a future in the now. Now, the present moment, is really all we have, and it is precious.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.