Free at Last

My Mom died last Wednesday, February 18th. The pain of losing her has been a hurt I have never known before. My sweet Mother is gone. She was elegant, graceful and kind. She never complained and I know she was in pain. She died of the complications of colon cancer. A devastating illness that ate up her insides and went on to her other organs, liver and lung. I know my life will never be the same without her. I knew her death was coming and I wanted to stop time or go back to when things were different and she was well. There are so many things I wished I had asked her about. She was so sick at the end we just voiced the very basics. Can I get you water? Are you hot or cold?
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.