88 Good Grief

Today is my Moms' birthday. She would have been 88. She died two months ago today and in some ways it seems like two years so much has happened. I've cried and hurt and been mad and missed her and wished I'd done or said this or that..I keep going back to the same place I started which is letting go, or learning to. I'm not good at it. At times I realize I really don't know how. So many thoughts, feelings and doings have been crammed into these last two months I've exhausted myself. I'm learning this sort of "out of body" fog is what grief is. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, like a bad dream that doesn't go away. Yes, she really is gone. In my intellect I know she is in a much better place, I just miss her.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.