Abandonment: It's Complicated

Abandonment: It's complicated. Ever ended a relationship that just wasn't working and then felt like you were losing your mind? An otherwise stable woman reduced to an emotional basket case full of fear, panic and indecision?

Attachment is how we bond. It's also what makes it so hard to end a relationship. Abandonment and fear can kick in whether you are the person who ended it or not. It's what happens after you know you've done what's right for you by ending it. Ever felt a flood of terror overtaking you like the world is coming to an end? You're alone and it's scary. You become unsure of your decision, then you want to take it back. You can't go on like this without him. If there was some financial security in the relationship that throws another complication into the mix. Those intense feelings you are experiencing are abandonment not the depth of your love.

When feeling this overwhelming fear you question yourself. Did I make a mistake? You want him back. He may have moved on and doesn't want you back. That feeling of rejection adds an even bigger whammy! You feel desperate! You feel like an emotional wreck, a crazy person.

The level of absolute terror you are experiencing may feel like you are being pushed off of a cliff. You can't breathe and can't think. You feel immobilized and crippled with panic. You obsess about him. You replay the minutia of the relationship over and over again in your head. Maybe it was really all your fault. You feel like a shaky addict and he is your drug. You want it back like it was. You may call him and that may make it better for a moment. You may feel worse about yourself after calling. You feel desperate, you're spinning out of control. Groveling does not work. If you do, it will take you to a new low with your self esteem flatter than a pancake. Groveling is not an option. HOLD YOUR SPACE Retain some of your dignity. You'll be glad later when you have some clarity and feel grounded again.

Chill and breathe, it's not him you are in love with, it's you that needs to heal. These overwhelming feelings and absolute panic are not love. It's the severed attachment, and the resulting abandonment you feel. He has met a need in you and now he's gone. It's like an addiction and you think he is the cure. Focus. Look at what you know about the relationship and why it didn't work. That is real.

Your task is to begin to heal the part of you inside that's wounded and only you can do it. Friends, family and a professional can help and you'll get there. Prayer helps too. Look at your pattern of being in relationships. Do you go back into it rather than facing moving on alone? Do you fill the void with another relationship with no time to grieve in between? Is it hard for you be alone? The part of you that bonded so strongly to him is Attachment, the resulting terror and panic is Abandonment. Your task is developing healthy boundaries and loving yourself. You can't be healthy with someone else until you can stand on your own two feet. Then it's your choice to be in a relationship rather than filling an empty need. HOLD YOUR SPACE
You can do it.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Yes, that old song rings in my head. Breaking up is hard to do! It's so very very true. Why is it so hard?

We bond with the other person. We place our hopes and dreams on a life of happily ever after together. We have to grieve the life we planned as well as the loss of the person and the relationship. We think of them often throughout the day. We text, talk on the phone, email and  make plans to see each other. Their life is a part of ours. We are in the the Love Bubble.

When the relationship ends, for whatever reason, it hurts, we hurt. Some is the pain of attachment and the resulting withdrawal. We have to retract the energy and love we have placed on the object of our affection in order to move on. It takes time to heal. Some say it takes at least half of the time you were in the relationship to get over it. I think that is partly true. What is more of a barometer for recovery is the depth of feelings we had for each other. If we love deeply it only makes sense that the depth of grieving and loss is equal to the height of joy and love we felt.

You may be in disbelief that it is over. Is this for real? If it is your choice to end it, it's still a shock. It's a loss and grieving takes time. Be gentle with yourself and get back to center. You are learning about yourself, what you want and what is right for you. Trust and listen.

Remember, if you are with the wrong person, the right one can't come in. That thought may help you move forward. HOLD YOUR SPACE