Danger Will Robinson

Sometimes we stay in relationships even when we know we should leave. We have hoped beyond hope it could work. Deep in our heart of hearts we know better. When we have to plan to get out, an escape plan, we have probably stayed too long. It's OK. Don't worry about your stuff. You can always get more. Stuff is replaceable, you are not. Your safety is the biggest concern. We become immune to the level of stress and danger we are living in. We become numb to it. It's a little bit different than denial. You think you can handle it. You have already been dealing with it. Just remember there is always an "X" factor, the unknown. It could be you we read about in the paper. Trust that the doors will open up for you and you will make it. Listen to the part of you that knows you deserve better. You don't have to live this way. It will all work out, just take the first step out the door. Don't look back, and no matter what he says, don't ever go back.

The Razors Edge

The Razors Edge, living in both worlds, the spiritual world and the material world simultaneously. To be in this world but not of it. To be able to exist in both planes at the same time, walking and living on The Razors Edge. The finest line there is. It can be the most difficult. It takes practice just like walking a tightrope. We get better at it if we choose to, and it takes the practice of faith and letting go. Surrender. We meet people along the way to help us keep our balance. Often, God sends them to us. Sometimes we fall off, and for me, it's God that gives me a leg up and back on. There are plenty of wobbly times. Just like when you learned to ride a bike. You weren't sure how you were going keep from falling, and trusted that peddling would keep you moving forward. Eventually, it became easier and now you know you can do it.
You know when you are in the flow of life and it's all good, and no matter what happens, you trust and know you will get through. The Razors Edge, our spiritual path. HOLD YOUR SPACE.

Foxhole Faith

In the past I had a Foxhole Faith. Whenever I was in trouble, I would Pray, Pray and Pray. Pleaseeee help me God. After the crisis was averted, I would rest back on my laurels, happy to have made it through and forgetting to say "Thank you" to God.
Today I know better. I learned the hard way. My hard headedness has brought me to my knees. I would forget to take the time to pray every day and have gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Today, it is my spiritual life and connection to God that is my strength.
Anytime we are in a struggle, however tough it is, we may not see the path or the way through the dark scary forest. We will get to the other side. We can make it easier on ourselves or not. Prayer can shine a light on the path (what a relief) and help us through. We have a choice. We can "white knuckle" it ourselves or let go and ask for the Grace of God . Praying and letting go is the hardest thing I ever ever learned to do. Then it becomes the easiest.
HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of prayer.

If They Tell You They're Dancing...

If they tell you they're dancing look at their feet. If a man (or anyone else) tells you he/she is "going to" do something, pay attention to the action he/she is taking to accomplish what it is he/she is telling you. Is it get a job, divorce, quit smoking or drinking, set a boundary, call you, take you out. make a commitment, get engaged, get married? and on and on...whatever it is, instead of getting your heart and hopes caught up in his words, pay attention to what action or inaction he is taking. Look at his feet. Sometimes words are just a smokescreen. Wrap your mind around the reality of the situation. He may have no intention of ever following through. As women, we pay more attention to what he says and less to what he does. He will pay more attention to what you do, and less to what you say. Save your breath and take some action for yourself.
Take good care of yourself , believe in your value and set some healthy boundaries. HOLD YOUR SPACE. You must pay attention to what the proof is, and like it or not, it's in the pudding.

Hug Your Demons

"Hug your Demons or they will bite you in the ass," a wise teacher once told me. Sometimes it takes us awhile to identify our Demons. We are often in denial and don't think they are Demons at all, but pleasures! What can take you down? What keeps you stuck and going in circles with no traction? What is IT that stands in your way of being the happy, fulfilled and successful person you are meant to be? Is it relationships? alcohol? drugs? smoking? eating? not eating? gambling? spending money? workaholism? low self esteem?. Whatever IT is...you can identify. IT has been a repeated pattern in your life. Your friends and family probably know what IT is. Take a risk and ask them. You might be surprised at what insight they have for you. We don't see ourselves as others do. It's the one Jaharis window square we can't see. Sometimes IT is called the shadow side. As painful as it may be, if we each hug our Demons, imagine how wonderful we would feel, what we could achieve and what a better place the planet would be!

Birds of a Feather

Birds of a Feather Flock Together. How many times have you heard this phrase? Many times? Possibly from a parent? My Mom and Dad both said this frequently to my sisters and to me. Somehow my brother escaped hearing this frequent statement. (Boys must be immune) I never liked hearing it. It was usually stated dryly when either parent didn't like the company we were keeping. Funny though, how they were often correct in their assessments. I spoke to a high school friend after our reunion and she told me some stories about herself that more than raised my eyebrows! My Dad never wanted me to "hang out" with her. I defended her over and over, pleading my case and calling him judgmental. Now I know why, and what his parental ESP must have been picking up. If you want to learn something about yourself, just take a good look at who your friends are. Who do you "flock" with? That tidbit of valuable information will speak volumes about you. We are known by the company we keep.

We Teach People How to Treat Us

We teach people how to treat us. How we treat ourselves is like a public service announcement to the rest of world on how to treat us. We think we can keep "things" to ourselves. Get ready for this: There are no secrets. The expression "...your actions speak so loudly I can't hear what you are saying" is so true. Remember, if you can't say "no" your "yes" doesn't mean anything!"
HOLD YOUR SPACE

Jumping Frog

I was told this story some time ago. I'm not sure of the exact words. It went something like this...

When you are in a relationship it is much like a frog in a pot of water. If the relationship becomes unhealthy the heat ever so slowly increases. Over time, the tepid water becomes warmer and warmer. The frog becomes accustomed to the slowly increasing temperature not realizing it is weakening him/her. As time passes, the water boils. The depleted frog cooks and dies. He or she never realized the danger because the increasing heat had became the norm.
The same frog put into a pot of hot water would quickly jump out. The intense heat of the situation would be obvious enough to send him/her on their way!

Victim of Love

She told her aunt she had met the "perfect man". He didn't drink or go to bars. He went to church and she loved him. She planned to marry him. Last Saturday he beat her to death. Through her tears, her aunt told me it was a brutal killing. After beating the life out of her, he strangled her and put her body in the bathtub. Blood was everywhere. She must have "fought him" she tells me. When she arrived at the scene, in shock, she asked the police, "Where is the ambulance?" The police told her there would be no ambulance. Her 12 year old son found her nieces' body six hours after her death. Her children were in the house. Her son heard his mother arguing with her boyfriend the night before and said he heard his mother scream. He cried for three days, traumatized and wishing he could have done something to save her. She also left behind two daughters, ages 15 and 10.
"She was a hard working woman, raising her three children on her own." Her aunt tells me crying, "She had her own small business painting houses and was paying her own mortgage." They had been supportive of each other, making their way in the world as single working women. Her aunt had not seen much of her niece recently. The "perfect man" of the last 9 months didn't want her to use the phone. He wanted her to move to Mexico with him. She refused and now she is dead.

Observation Mode

Observation Mode is an excellent skill to utilize when entering a new relationship. You are gathering information about this person. What information are they giving you from the getgo? The facts are there. Imagine you have a video camera above the two of you documenting your initial conversations. Your time is extremely valuable and you deserve to be in relationship with a person who has values, honesty and integrity.
Pay attention to the signs and ask the pertinent questions. Take your time, HOLD YOUR SPACE. Has he cheated on his last girlfriend? Still emotionally tied to the ex? Does he have boundaries or even have an inkling as to what they are? Does he send mixed messages? Is he accountable for his actions or does he blame everyone else? If he has kids and family, does he spend time with them? Does he have a spiritual life? Is he generous? Does he have any interests of his own? Does he have friends? Stay objective! This is especially important if you have some intense "heart fluttering" chemistry running with this person. If there are any red flags, they are clearly seen as your warning signals. Observation mode is your friend. With your eyes wide open, and the information at hand, you have no one to blame but you if you choose to step into the game.

Get a Grip!

In a Frenzy? Whipshawed by indecision? Get A grip! You KNOW the answers to the important questions. Go back to the basics ...your values and what really matters to you. Allow your friends to assist you and act as sounding boards. Ultimately, it's your deal and your life. We all need support and to connect. It helps us stay grounded and not fly off the planet and into the ethers...
Let go and release, we have no control anyway. YOU have all the answers to your questions. Pray and Listen.

Don't Call Boys

"Don't Call Boys" was the rule in my home when I was growing up. My mother made certain that my two sisters and I knew this rule well. Calling boys was not just an option. It was polite to return a call but not initiate one. The rule was right up there with "Don't touch the hot stove," "Look both ways before crossing the street" and "Don't put Palmolive in the the dishwasher." Knowing this rule has served me well in my life. The phrase has been indelibly imprinted in my brain. I have sat and listened to many a girlfriend lament about and obsess over a man. Often they "sweat" him and succumb to calling him. Just make this your new rule on "auto 24/7," Don't Call Boys. It's an early version of HOLD YOUR SPACE
Let him come to you. He will call on his time (or not) and will have something to say. He might have been ready to call you and ask you out ( or apologize) just before you made your call. Give him the time to think about you and miss you when he is away from you.
Some women think if they haven't heard from (the latest) him, they will call/email/text him. They often spend a lot of time thinking about/obsessing and concocting a reason to break the tension they feel. Some may come up with an obvious question or flimsy excuse just to make contact. Trust me, he knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Good things come to those who wait. Men are the hunters. If you are too easy to "catch" you must not be the "prize". So act like it! He is perfectly capable of locating you, if interested. If he can't find you, you don't want him anyway.

Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.

Say My Name

Waiting for that phone call? HOLD YOUR SPACE This is a great time to reevaluate the relationship and why it hasn't worked. Are you wanting him/her to call because you are wounded from the sting and pain of rejection? Have your abandonment issues raised their ugly head? The intense pain and longing we often feel is not necessarily from loving him (or her). It's a toxic buildup from a string of past failed relationships and disappointments. Compounded grief. It's the domino effect. We may have only known him/her for a few months and we are experiencing deep and confusing pain. We haven't known him/her long enough to be this devastated. Many times we return to the relationship thinking it must be true love. By reconnecting we take away that fear and pain. Take the time for you. Sort it out. Look at it for what it is and get clear. Face the reality and let truth be your guide.
Obsessing a tad? HOLD YOUR SPACE Life will get better. PRAY for guidance and the WISDOM of your experience. FOCUS on you, your life and the tasks at hand. Know that you are the PRIZE! If it is not him, it's someone better suited for you, and he/she has done you a favor.

Let God Be Your Boyfriend

My friends' daughter has been going down a bumpy road and has hit a pothole or two. She has made some risky and unhealthy choices including abusive boyfriends. The advice given to her by a caring and wise friend was, "Let God be your Boyfriend". It brought a big smile to my face, a nice thought for a young woman to say to another. She could obsess about God and spiritual matters. Her time would be much better spent.
Our ability to connect spiritually is always available. God is there and not going anywhere. We're the ones who abandon communication. If we care enough to listen, and ask for guidance, just think where we might be led.

The Scorpion and The Turtle

There was a scorpion drowning in a swift flowing river. The torrential rains had swept him off the bank and carried him downstream. A turtle went swimming by, barely effected by the strong currents. The scorpion called out "Help me! Help me! Please help me! If you don't surely I will drown" The turtle swam over cautiously and said. "I would help you, but if I do you will sting me and I will die." "Oh no! I will not hurt you," the scorpion pleaded, "just let me climb on your back, take me to land and I will climb off, ever so grateful to you for saving me."
The turtle thought about it, and against his better judgement said cautiously, "OK, climb on." The turtle swam across the river amid stormy waters to the safety of the bank and said "Here we are." As the scorpion began to climb off the back of the turtle, he swiftly stung him with his poisonous venom. The turtle recoiled in pain, stunned and shocked by the the scorpions' sting. The turtle shouted "WHY WHY would you do such a thing? I saved you from perishing!" The scorpion climbed off the turtles' back, and said as he parted, "I'm a scorpion and that's what I do."

Often when we begin a new relationship, all the information we need is there. Against our better judgement, we sometimes proceed anyway and then wonder in amazement why it didn't work.

Death by Faking It

Women Fake it and Men Fake it... (some) Men fake a future to get what they want in the present and (some) women fake the present to get a future they see as security. Why is it women fake orgasms and men fake affection? Are we really getting what we want?
Many stay in marriages/relationships vacant of joy and just pretend. We think can avoid or delay any impending pain by remaining in the status quo. On autodrive through life. There is the fear if we leave we will never find anyone...so we fake it. Why not just be alone? Learn to like ourselves? Where did we learn to live a life full of false pretenses? We die daily slow deaths by faking it. Before we know it, life has passed us by. If you've given it your best shot, Get Real. Save yourself and the other party lots of heartache, let it go. Better to face the unknown than Death by Faking it. Dragging it out due to guilt or fear just makes it all the more complicated when the ending in inevitable.

A Captive Heart

I met a beautiful woman from Nairobi today who told me the story of her captive heart. She was tall and willowy with velvety brown skin and large doe eyes, perfect teeth and little to smile about. Her hair was short and cut stylishly close to her head. She tells me she is "desperately" in love with a man who lies to her. She is caught in the vortex of a love triangle. Much like The Bermuda, it seems (to her) there is no way out. But alas, "...there is", I tell her, "tho' painful it will be." To free herself from the drug of her love addiction will be a monumental task. On the verge of kicking him out, she tells me how much she is in love with him. He is the only man she wants. Her fear is that he will marry the other woman. The other woman has told him he cannot come back until he marries her. Surely it would be a life wrought with misery. I ask her why she would want a man who lies to her and is with another woman? She said simply, she has "... a captive heart." Why is it we think love equals so much pain?

My spiritual teacher once told me, the height of your joy is equal to the depth of your pain.

The Ogre Landlord

Many of us have had an Ogre landlord. Someone who is difficult to deal with, unreasonable and oppressive. He, or she, seem to enjoy lauding their power and control over you, a perfect and fast track way to learn to Hold Your Space. Are negotiations initially difficult? They can be a predictor of future entanglements. Be Prepared! The signs are there early on. Know that the legal commitment you are agreeing to is binding. You have entered into a long term relationship with this person. Set your boundaries. A landlord can enter your new home without your permission or knowledge! Amazing!
I have experienced what I write about first hand. For four years I was under his domain, a serf in his kingdom. He was a teacher for me in Holding My Space during the time I inhabited his property. The good news is, he did me a favor. When I had had enough, I found a place of my own to buy. He motivated me to purchase my property, and today I have him to thank.

Herding Cats

Getting our thoughts together after a breakup can be as difficult as Herding Cats. Did we do the right thing? Did we try hard enough to work things out? Were we unreasonable?
Distracted and scattered, the new vacant spot in our life can feel cavernous. Spending time with our friends can help to get us over the hump. Just to be around people who care about us and will listen is comforting. It is sometimes difficult just to "track" with everyday conversations, slowly drifting off....thinking about him or her. Will they call? text? email?
HOLD YOUR SPACE Give it at least eight weeks. If he or she hasn't called within eight weeks time with some lightening striking new awareness...then do your best to move on. Save yourself the heartache of going back in again for more hurt later. Put your emotions aside and put your brain in gear to make the best possible choices for you. If you go back, will anything really be different? Are you just postponing the pain and fear of being without him/her for now? Is this just a big Bandaid because you're afraid to move forward alone? Will it be more of the same? Will you be in the same place 2 months from now and going through this same round again? If you can accept the relationship as it was when you left it , then go back. Nothing will have changed except maybe your hopes are higher.
If you make it through the first eight weeks, you will gain a better perspective on why it hasn't worked. Not easy but true. Over time, and with some healing, you might see why it was best let it go in the first place.

There's a Pony in There

Sometimes LIFE is tough and dishes out gut wrenching punches. We don't understand the whys and the wherefores only that we must deal with the aftermath. Pick your self up, and start all over again. Resilience. As Neitzche says, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I agree with him. When you've walked through the dark scary forest ( a.k.a. the valley of the shadow of death) and been to the gates of personal hell, you learn to "deal" with what comes your way. You have had experience at 10,000 leagues beneath the surface and have made it through alive, still breathing air. You may feel that you are falling apart and losing your mind, but in fact you are putting your pieces back together. Always know there is a pony, a silver lining, in there somewhere. HOLD YOUR SPACE

A Noble Seeker of Truth

He was one of the most giving people I have ever known. He had a kind and gentle, genuine spirit. When you were with him, he treated you with the ultimate respect. He is gone in body and present in spirit. The many who knew him had their lives touched in ways that won't happen again. He would go out of his way to help you, always giving of his time and energy. For him, it was all about relationships. Although he stood to inherit a fortune, you would never have known it. It was not about money or fame, it was about the family and friends he loved. He had a presence and magic around him. For the kids, he would reach into his pocket and sprinkle fairy dust to make a hurt better. He loved to learn, and truly was a noble seeker of truth. We will miss him.

Cat Like Reflexes

When I was going through a divorce (from the abusive dead ex husband) I learned about having "cat like" reflexes. I learned to change my position in a nan0second! He was highly intelligent, wealthy, an addict and usually one step ahead of me. I sought counseling at a domestic violence center to learn how to best protect myself. I wanted to learn to think (somewhat) like he did just to stay ahead of him and to survive. I was told I needed a plan. The group included women who had shot and killed their husbands in self defense. One was in jail, awaiting trial. It seemed like an out of body experience to be one of the members. They helped me to learn to anticipate his next move and how to avoid becoming entrapped. They passed on wisdom from their hard earned experiences and I am thankful I met them and learned from them. I was told two of the previous members had changed their names and moved to another state to escape the wrath of their abuser. Seemed kind of like the witness protection program, only they made up their own program. They stayed in contact with some of the group as they started their life over with a new name and identity.
I had just moved to a new address when he assaulted me. I pressed charges against him. The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move somewhere with 24 hour security and cameras. This guy can get in where most people can't". The post office had given him my new address. As luck would have it, I was presented an opportunity to go to Canada. I jumped at the chance, let my lease go, and was gone for three months. The time away was a blessing, I felt safe and I could rest. It helped me to get stronger, to regroup and get a plan.

Anniversary

Today is my former anniversary. The day I married my "original" husband. Kind of a bittersweet day since he is married to someone else now. We married young and had great times together. It's like a distant former life. I didn't know who I was then and we grew in different directions. I could have stayed married to him. It would have been a lot easier road in many ways and harder in others. One of my friends called it my "Beautiful Prison". It took all the guts I had to leave. I am grateful to him. I have 2 wonderful children. Doubtful I would have met many of the great friends I have today. I'm a lot stronger and wiser person today. Being single and making your way in the world forces you to grow up in ways I didn't know as a young married woman. Today I think for myself and can do whatever my heart desires, on a budget.

Past Present Future

A wise teacher of mine once told me I could change my future. He said something to the effect of...in the PRESENT, by revisiting and reviewing the PAST you can change your FUTURE. It's an overlay of all three in the PRESENT moment. Of course it seemed complicated to me.
I've learned we can shift our thoughts about what happened, change our perspective about it in the present and change the way we operate in the future. I'm not saying it's easy, it's hard work. I think we each can come to terms with our past in a way that that heals our spirit, and we make a shift within ourselves. This shift alters us in the way we relate to the world, changing our future. I liken it to deleting old outdated programs in the computer files of our minds. Delete trash and clutter. We allow more free space to be who we truly are.