My Mom died last Wednesday, February 18th. The pain of losing her has been a hurt I have never known before. My sweet Mother is gone. She was elegant, graceful and kind. She never complained and I know she was in pain. She died of the complications of colon cancer. A devastating illness that ate up her insides and went on to her other organs, liver and lung. I know my life will never be the same without her. I knew her death was coming and I wanted to stop time or go back to when things were different and she was well. There are so many things I wished I had asked her about. She was so sick at the end we just voiced the very basics. Can I get you water? Are you hot or cold?
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Death is Certain
My mother is dying. I am so sad to loose her. She has been such an inspiration and has given us (my two sisters, brother and my father, her husband of 61 years) so many gifts from her heart. She has been there for us all through thick and thin. She never complained and always was there to help us. I know she will be out of pain when she leaves her body and is free of its limitations. It is in these final moments of her life I feel a fear I didn't know I had. I know she will pass to the other side and her spirit will return to its resting place. She can soar from being crippled by her lengthy illness.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
How Exactly Though?
I had a recent comment from Becky with a question ..."How exactly though?" she asks. Her question was how to begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE. When you formulate the question, Becky, the answers do come.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Happily Ever Now
My son is a great one for living in the moment. He knows the power of living now. By just being around him, he is a reminder to me (when I get too far out there) to reel myself back into the present moment. We can live in and create a future in the now. Now, the present moment, is really all we have, and it is precious.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
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