Catholic school trauma

I woke up this morning very early with the panic inside me of a rabbit with a bobcat on it's tail! I dreamed I had a history test and I hadn't studied. I fully felt the terror of an 11 year old catholic school girl who was not prepared to sit for an exam and that's not pretty!

Anyone who's been to a catholic school knows that gut wrenching feeling of facing the nuns and being unprepared. It's like you are so wrong, a totally bad person. I felt that the nuns could see into my soul and they knew if I hadn't fully read, studied and whether I was completely prepared or not. They seemed to know everything!


I felt completely transparent, with no boundaries. They had a way of laying on the shame and guilt pretty thick. Back then, I had no idea how to hold my space. I was vulnerable to their emotional abuse. Some were Ok but they were rare.

I made straight A's in catholic schools. I was afraid not to. I didn't want to get into any trouble. I was quiet and stayed under the radar except for one time in sixth grade. I was writing notes to a friend and got into serious trouble. We both did. I was going to spend the night at Roberta's house and go horsebackriding. We were given so much work we barely had time to eat that night. Robertas mother brought dinner for us to her room. We started working as soon as we got to her house stayed up all night researching and writing all the reports we were assigned as well as math problems. The nun was just really mean and a bitch. I can write that now.
We didn't even question it. We just accepted the assignment and did every bit of it. She knew we planned to go riding and she didn't want us to have any fun. We were both caught red handed and took our punishment. ( I stayed out of trouble until high school chemistry class, but that's another story)
Thank God that was my last year a that school! I'll never forget it.
I've wondered what permanent effects the whole catholic school experience has had on my personality. Trying to be perfect and look perfect. Be smart, have all the answers. If you don't then pretend you do. Keep up the facade of being good all the time. Be quiet and stay in line. I learned to stay under the radar. Go undetected. I probably would have made a great secret agent.
The relief of the realization that it's 2011 and I'm grown, with no test to take was awesome!
And it's Saturday too! What could be better? Life is good.

Staycaction

I'm off for a few days and taking a staycation. I'm loving it. Indulging myself. It's kind like playing hooky from work and getting paid for it. I can roll back over instead of getting up. I find myself getting up anyway 'cause I'm not going to work. I'm enjoying the time without having to plan, pack, make a plane or drive. No stress. This way, I'll return rested instead of  having jetlag or no sleep after a trip. It's easy on the bank account.

Addiction the Master

Addiction the Master... You the Slave
Like any person or obsessive object of our affection (cigarettes, drugs, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, shoes, clothes, oh..and work) We can become a slave to our desires. Therein lies our potential downfall.
I've learned, mostly the hard way, it's all a distraction. Just a way to avoid dealing with the real problem, me. At times, I have been obsessive and feeling crazy over things that were completely out of my control. The one and ONLY thing I can change is me. Addictions distract us from the one thing we actually have some power over. Change is tough, and it can be grueling as we begin to face our demons. Pain is usually a good motivator for change. For me, when the pain becomes great enough, somehow I change. When we get to the point when we say "uncle" we're usually on our way.
Nothing outside us is really going to make us happy anyway. It's transient. I know now it's an inside job. Plain and simple, obsession and addiction are a matter of  low self value. It's a quest to find that "quick fix" to make everything OK. I've taken the short cut, the easy way, to feel better without even realizing it. I thought it was love, ( needy love) anything to avoid dealing with me.
                                 HOLD YOUR SPACE
Love Addiction can enslave us unless we wake up and get some self discipline working for us. Prayer sure helps too. Cut to the chase. We must learn to love ourselves first and then we can give it away.  The loving relationship that begins with you is what truly matters.

Cut the Strings

Happy New Year! Cut the strings. Whatever it
is that is holding you back in your life, Cut the Strings. I set myself free. New Year, New beginnings. Fresh start now.