Ever been in a relationship or known a friend who hung onto a relationship that was never ever going to work? Even though the breakup was long overdue she stayed and stayed until her self esteem was flat as a pancake? It's harder to pick yourself up after you feel you've been run over by an emotional steamroller. It just gets worse and worse. We sell ourselves short by hanging on til the bitter end. I say Don't waste the Pretty, Hold your Space, cut your losses and move on. When the relationship starts to wane, for whatever reason, both parties know it. Well, I should add, at least the female in the relationship probably does.
Some men just don't want to commit for the long term and some don't want to commit at all. Commitophobes. They don't want to be the bad guy and break it off either. They want you to end it. They pull back. Herein lies the waning. Most men like having the benefits of a relationship including many things besides the sex. It's comfortable and safe. They have someone to cook dinner with, take to dinner parties, hang out with friends and maybe even do their laundry. It's great to have someone they trust to bounce ideas off of. They have a partner who cares for them. It's like all the benefits of playing house with no investment. It holds no negative for them, just all the good stuff. This is great until, after a year or so of dating, possible vacation getaways and sleepovers then it's time to fish or cut bait. At least from the woman's perspective. Then the trouble starts. He backs off, it's not fun for him anymore. The proverbial party is over. Time to face the music, it's the wedding music I mean.
If you begin to see multiple signs of hesitation around getting married, and that's really what you want, Don't Waste the Pretty, girlfriend. Hold Your Space, and move on with your head held high. As my Mom would say "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." Get out while the gettin' is good, there are other fish in the sea. It's his loss or could be yours if you waste anymore of the pretty!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Work Drama and Politics
Work drama can be the most stressful and worrisome problem to deal with. The Politics and difficult Personalities combo seem to permeate the workplace like a toxic gas. This hindrance can create obstacles to keeping focused and just doing your job, hopefully a good one. One's very livelihood feels threatened and it has nothing to do with work and performance. I have learned it is a great place to HOLD YOUR SPACE however challenging it may be to practice.
My best efforts are to keep my office space calm and relaxed and not allow the chaos and sinister underpinnings to draw me in. At times it seems like junior high with grown professional women behaving like mean girls. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to the taffy pull and machinations of the drama queens. Alignments are formed and cliques are alive and thriving in the workplace. Some participate in back stabbing only to keep their job secure. She's the "yes" girl. It's a dark energy vortex where sadly, they are stuck. I remember my mothers words "If you can't say something nice..." I hold my space. I do my best to stay neutral like Switzerland and out of the war zone.
It's a travesty of justice that some womens' petty lies and half truths can result in significant damage to anothers' position and very livelihood. The insecure female with some workplace power can be the worst offender. Their jealousy is so unattractive. Usually those who try to stack the deck against someone else get theirs in the end. I've seen it eventually lead to their own job loss. What goes around truly does come around. I hold my space in the place of calm, this too shall pass.
My best efforts are to keep my office space calm and relaxed and not allow the chaos and sinister underpinnings to draw me in. At times it seems like junior high with grown professional women behaving like mean girls. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to the taffy pull and machinations of the drama queens. Alignments are formed and cliques are alive and thriving in the workplace. Some participate in back stabbing only to keep their job secure. She's the "yes" girl. It's a dark energy vortex where sadly, they are stuck. I remember my mothers words "If you can't say something nice..." I hold my space. I do my best to stay neutral like Switzerland and out of the war zone.
It's a travesty of justice that some womens' petty lies and half truths can result in significant damage to anothers' position and very livelihood. The insecure female with some workplace power can be the worst offender. Their jealousy is so unattractive. Usually those who try to stack the deck against someone else get theirs in the end. I've seen it eventually lead to their own job loss. What goes around truly does come around. I hold my space in the place of calm, this too shall pass.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Planes Trains and a Skoda
The train stations are great for people watching. The people are fit and hip, saw only one or two overweight people and thought they were probably Americans. We rode trains from Frankfurt, Berlin, overnight to Munich and on to Garmisch. It's good to go first class if you are traveling much by train. The ICE trains (Inter City Express) are the best. Get international calling. I bought an iphone before we left and was so glad I did. Better to use it for texting or for judicious calling, like a flat tire on the Autobahn. Get the adapter for your phone, no need for one for a hairdryer most hotels have them. Pack lightly, I took too many clothes, didn't wear them, and paid for it by lugging a heavy suitcase.
Skoda Superb is a great little car I'd never heard of. It's made by Volkswagen and not exported to the US. I drove east from Berlin in Germany and across Poland and back. The country was beautiful and the people kind and helpful. Except in Gdansk were someone shot me the finger, due to my driving, at least I think. Get a car with a navigation system, she, "Skodetta" saved us! I took some pics and will post them as soon as I figure out how. It's good to be home, in the words of Dorothy, there's no place like it!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A Wing and a Prayer
I'm going to Germany in two weeks and I'm not big on flying. That's where faith and trust come in. My Dad really wants to go back to the "fatherland". My sister and I (reluctantly) are going with him.
Both my Dad and Mom are of German descent. My Dads family from the eastern part of Germany and Moms from the southern part near France. Dad wants to return to where his grandfather was born. I think there must be a comfort in going to the places he heard about as a child. There is some mystery around what happened. His great uncle left Germany in secrecy and alone once the Russians invaded. Hopefully, Dads questions will be answered, and the mystery solved.
I have made arrangements to travel by train (200 mph I'm told) once we land in Frankfurt. We are visiting Berlin, Poland (driving), Munich, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein. Will be a whirlwind!
I have never been to Europe so this will be an adventure. I just need to get on the plane and Hold My Space for the ride.
Both my Dad and Mom are of German descent. My Dads family from the eastern part of Germany and Moms from the southern part near France. Dad wants to return to where his grandfather was born. I think there must be a comfort in going to the places he heard about as a child. There is some mystery around what happened. His great uncle left Germany in secrecy and alone once the Russians invaded. Hopefully, Dads questions will be answered, and the mystery solved.
I have made arrangements to travel by train (200 mph I'm told) once we land in Frankfurt. We are visiting Berlin, Poland (driving), Munich, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein. Will be a whirlwind!
I have never been to Europe so this will be an adventure. I just need to get on the plane and Hold My Space for the ride.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Wisdom of Restraint
The Wisdom of Restraint is another way to Hold Your Space.
Someone punches your button. You really want to jump in and throw down the gauntlet. You want to say something you know you shouldn't, and you don't, that is exercising your Wisdom of Restraint. It is easier said than done.
The subject can be the full range of many topics. The obvious and most controversial being politics and religion. For me, it happens more often with my family where I am "on auto" as the minority opinion. I have been in similar social situations and it's been much easier for me to remain close mouthed. Either way, I've learned for me, it's best not to take the bait.
I've had tempting situations also occur at work, when discussion of a coworker is the topic of the day. You'd love to open your mouth and give an opinion, but that could come back to bite you later. The Wisdom of Restraint. It has been empowering for me to learn just to listen and take note. Simply because I have an opinion doesn't mean it is to be spoken.
Even more difficult, the challenge may come from a dear friend who's (you think) with a man she probably shouldn't be. You want to head her off at the pass with what could be emotional suicide. Exercise Restraint. If she asks and really wants your opinion, then proceed with caution. You are standing on shaky ground, especially if she marries him.
Exercising Restraint may be the most trying of all when arguing with a husband/wife/lover. Words spoken are forever out there, unable to be taken back, erased or deleted. I know I have been cutting with my words coming from my own place of hurt and anger. Ask yourself, is this what I really mean? Is this what I want? Restraint is your ultimate friend. I've learned to first breathe, get clear, then speak my truth.
I should have learned this lesson long ago when arguing with my father. I could have saved myself from being grounded countless times on a Friday or Saturday date night. When talking about our teenage years my sister recently told me, "We often wondered why you didn't just shut up." I probably should have. They took the lesson to heart. I don't think my sisters were ever grounded.
After I told my first husband corundum was above diamond on Moh's scale of hardness, that became my nickname. I have learned the hard way. When I'm reacting because my button is pushed is so different than when I am choosing to respond. Hold Your Space.
Exercising the Wisdom of Restraint is a lesson well learned.
Someone punches your button. You really want to jump in and throw down the gauntlet. You want to say something you know you shouldn't, and you don't, that is exercising your Wisdom of Restraint. It is easier said than done.
The subject can be the full range of many topics. The obvious and most controversial being politics and religion. For me, it happens more often with my family where I am "on auto" as the minority opinion. I have been in similar social situations and it's been much easier for me to remain close mouthed. Either way, I've learned for me, it's best not to take the bait.
I've had tempting situations also occur at work, when discussion of a coworker is the topic of the day. You'd love to open your mouth and give an opinion, but that could come back to bite you later. The Wisdom of Restraint. It has been empowering for me to learn just to listen and take note. Simply because I have an opinion doesn't mean it is to be spoken.
Even more difficult, the challenge may come from a dear friend who's (you think) with a man she probably shouldn't be. You want to head her off at the pass with what could be emotional suicide. Exercise Restraint. If she asks and really wants your opinion, then proceed with caution. You are standing on shaky ground, especially if she marries him.
Exercising Restraint may be the most trying of all when arguing with a husband/wife/lover. Words spoken are forever out there, unable to be taken back, erased or deleted. I know I have been cutting with my words coming from my own place of hurt and anger. Ask yourself, is this what I really mean? Is this what I want? Restraint is your ultimate friend. I've learned to first breathe, get clear, then speak my truth.
I should have learned this lesson long ago when arguing with my father. I could have saved myself from being grounded countless times on a Friday or Saturday date night. When talking about our teenage years my sister recently told me, "We often wondered why you didn't just shut up." I probably should have. They took the lesson to heart. I don't think my sisters were ever grounded.
After I told my first husband corundum was above diamond on Moh's scale of hardness, that became my nickname. I have learned the hard way. When I'm reacting because my button is pushed is so different than when I am choosing to respond. Hold Your Space.
Exercising the Wisdom of Restraint is a lesson well learned.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mothers Day
You don't what you've got 'til she's gone. Last night I visited with my brother and father about Mom. We came to a consensus and appreciation of how lucky we were. We didn't realize we took for granted the wonderful person we had. It's just the way she was. She was a good and strong, stabilizing force. She wasn't a business person or a society person, she was a great wife and mother. She had style, grace and poise. She didn't say anything bad about anyone, and she was real. Mom just didn't like to badmouth or talk behind anyone's back. My brother in law said the worst thing he remembers her saying was "Why that little stinker!"
What a great example she was for all of us growing up. She taught us how to be good people. She gave to us all, but she wasn't a doormat. She was always there for us especially when we were in a jam. She'd help us out when we were in big trouble. She's stand by us. And with Dad, she would buffer the consequences of whatever punishment we were to receive.
Mom was born and grew up on a ranch in Blanco, Texas to German parents. She was proud to be a full blooded German. She told us how during the depression, her father had fed the people in the town who were hungry from the food grown on their ranch. "He was a good man," she told us.
Mom had five older brothers and lost a week old sister before she was born. Her older sister died mysteriously after childbirth. She had a lot of loss as I look back. Mom lost her own mother at fifteen. How she grew up to be a lady with such grace and poise with all those men I'll never know. She was the apple of her father's eye.
Mom loved her horse named Paint and she rode him to school each day. It was a one room schoolhouse with grades one through twelve. She probably already knew everything she needed. Mom knew how to pick cotton, embroidery, garden and loved animals. She loved their baby lambs and had a pet squirrel. She told us her brothers' friend shot her pet squirrel in their orchard and her brothers "skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of me."
Mom had her own ideas about life and would tell us to "stick to your guns" (my childhood version of Hold Your Space) She must have learned how to be strong with five big bruiser older brothers. She was true to herself, and taught us by example. I love her and I miss her.
I honor her with all my heart, today and always. Happy Mothers Day my sweet and beautiful Mom.
What a great example she was for all of us growing up. She taught us how to be good people. She gave to us all, but she wasn't a doormat. She was always there for us especially when we were in a jam. She'd help us out when we were in big trouble. She's stand by us. And with Dad, she would buffer the consequences of whatever punishment we were to receive.
Mom was born and grew up on a ranch in Blanco, Texas to German parents. She was proud to be a full blooded German. She told us how during the depression, her father had fed the people in the town who were hungry from the food grown on their ranch. "He was a good man," she told us.
Mom had five older brothers and lost a week old sister before she was born. Her older sister died mysteriously after childbirth. She had a lot of loss as I look back. Mom lost her own mother at fifteen. How she grew up to be a lady with such grace and poise with all those men I'll never know. She was the apple of her father's eye.
Mom loved her horse named Paint and she rode him to school each day. It was a one room schoolhouse with grades one through twelve. She probably already knew everything she needed. Mom knew how to pick cotton, embroidery, garden and loved animals. She loved their baby lambs and had a pet squirrel. She told us her brothers' friend shot her pet squirrel in their orchard and her brothers "skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of me."
Mom had her own ideas about life and would tell us to "stick to your guns" (my childhood version of Hold Your Space) She must have learned how to be strong with five big bruiser older brothers. She was true to herself, and taught us by example. I love her and I miss her.
I honor her with all my heart, today and always. Happy Mothers Day my sweet and beautiful Mom.
Monday, April 27, 2009
It's Just Stuff
I'm learning how after someone dies, the dysfunction in the family rises to the surface. The ugly emotional underbelly becomes visible. The family dynamics previously riding under the radar are now exposed. Alignments are made clear. Undercurrent manipulations are now brought to the light of day. It's as if Mom is no longer here to tell us to get along and we are misbehaving. It's painful to see. I know I can do it because she would want me to. She would want me to be a better person.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
Since my mothers death, I've adopted much more of a "no bullshit" policy with myself. I've had a paradigm shift with what really matters. I'm grieving and it ain't for the weak. There's no time anymore for the motions I've gone through to please others. Looking at myself, I realize I'm at a whole new level of holding my space. I'm getting beyond the person I was. It's scary but I'm planning to stay here.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.
88 Good Grief
Today is my Moms' birthday. She would have been 88. She died two months ago today and in some ways it seems like two years so much has happened. I've cried and hurt and been mad and missed her and wished I'd done or said this or that..I keep going back to the same place I started which is letting go, or learning to. I'm not good at it. At times I realize I really don't know how. So many thoughts, feelings and doings have been crammed into these last two months I've exhausted myself. I'm learning this sort of "out of body" fog is what grief is. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, like a bad dream that doesn't go away. Yes, she really is gone. In my intellect I know she is in a much better place, I just miss her.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Free at Last
My Mom died last Wednesday, February 18th. The pain of losing her has been a hurt I have never known before. My sweet Mother is gone. She was elegant, graceful and kind. She never complained and I know she was in pain. She died of the complications of colon cancer. A devastating illness that ate up her insides and went on to her other organs, liver and lung. I know my life will never be the same without her. I knew her death was coming and I wanted to stop time or go back to when things were different and she was well. There are so many things I wished I had asked her about. She was so sick at the end we just voiced the very basics. Can I get you water? Are you hot or cold?
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Death is Certain
My mother is dying. I am so sad to loose her. She has been such an inspiration and has given us (my two sisters, brother and my father, her husband of 61 years) so many gifts from her heart. She has been there for us all through thick and thin. She never complained and always was there to help us. I know she will be out of pain when she leaves her body and is free of its limitations. It is in these final moments of her life I feel a fear I didn't know I had. I know she will pass to the other side and her spirit will return to its resting place. She can soar from being crippled by her lengthy illness.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
How Exactly Though?
I had a recent comment from Becky with a question ..."How exactly though?" she asks. Her question was how to begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE. When you formulate the question, Becky, the answers do come.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Happily Ever Now
My son is a great one for living in the moment. He knows the power of living now. By just being around him, he is a reminder to me (when I get too far out there) to reel myself back into the present moment. We can live in and create a future in the now. Now, the present moment, is really all we have, and it is precious.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
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