Guys Like Mean Girls

My Ex married a Mean Girl so I've given this some thought. He didn't leave me for a Mean Girl, or this could be really painful. I was the one who wanted a divorce, after I had tried my best to work it out. Maybe I set him up for her. He's tried harder with her and put up with a lot, from what I hear. I do know this about her, she always gets her way. It doesn't hurt that her family owns an oil company, but that's beside the point.

What can we learn from the Mean Girls that will help us? Sometimes known as _itches, they know exactly what they want and how to get it. They don't even have to speak up for themselves. It can be as small a gesture as a raised eyebrow, or a tilt of the head, and he knows he's out of line. Mean Girls are not wishy washy. They take good care of themselves. Their clothing, hair, nails down to the smallest details are impeccable. They put themselves first.

Mean Girls keep men on their toes. Men have to work at it, and be on their best behavior to stay in the game with them. Men strive to be good enough just to be with them, for they see them as the prize. Men take them to fine restaurants, bestow flowers and often expensive gifts.

For the most part, Mean Girls appear confident and independent. They won't put up with any BS, and don't compromise. They have been known to string men along. Often they move on to the next guy if they think he's a better catch. Shallow, yes, but there is something they can teach us about valuing ourselves and having boundaries.

We can learn a lot from them, without being mean. They have boundaries. Love yourself first, then you can Love another.
Hold Your Space

The Domino Effect

The Domino Effect is another way of saying Compounded Grief. Serial monogamists without much healing in between relationships have to face the music sooner or later. Some go from serious and committed relationship to relationship without grieving each loss. Been there done that. The next relationship serves as a Bandaid without much chance of ever sticking or lasting. There's too much unresolved stuff we didn't sort through and learn from. It's like a giant emotional whammy when it hits. Enough is enough.

It's time to deal with the wake of all the relationship debris and get back to center. HOLD YOUR SPACE Give yourself the time you need to heal. We each have to be able to be alone and stand on our two feet before we can be healthy with someone else.

Cut The Cord

For me, clearing out and cleaning out my closet is torture! I hold on to too many of my clothes. It takes me forever to get through them and make decisions on giving things away. It's overwhelming to me. I usually have a much bigger mess than when I started. That's where I am right now as I'm writing this, so I'm avoiding.
Many of my clothes I don't wear and I don't have room for them. I can't find what I want to wear and I don't know what I have 'cause I can't find anything. I can go shopping in my closet. Ok, I really have three. It takes me unearthing what I have crammed and folded and stuffed into every nook and cranny of all three closets to find what I want.

I have vowed this year to cut the cord. No more excuses on I might wear this to go... sailing,? to go horseback riding,? to go fishing,? (yes fishing) to go to Cabo, (now that sounds good) or to a wedding, or whatever! Any future event will do to find an excuse to hold on. I think it must be my fear of lack, after all, I might need it someday. Or, I might lose weight and I really like it too much to give away! Maybe I hold on because I didn't have a lot of clothes growing up and I wore uniforms through some of my school years.

For whatever reason, it's not working for me today. I am committing to make my life simpler and easier by releasing. I'm cutting the cord, I don't need it all. It helps me to tell myself someone will go to Goodwill and be thrilled to have this or that. So I'm heading back into the closet to put some action behind these words. I can work on it in doable portions instead of all at once. I'm doing something to make my life better, keeping focused on my goal. I Hold My Space in the place of order, ease and simplicity. Here's a link with some tips on organization.
www.lonnymag.com

Know When to Fold 'em

I received an email from my friend who is recovering from the ending of her four year (back and forth) relationship. She said she was having a really Bad Day. She was angry. I was pleased to hear she's angry because she's beginning to get her feet back under her.

She moved out while her man was out of town. They had been having problems for a long time. She left a letter behind detailing why it hadn't worked and why she was leaving. She took her stuff and left.

She was angry she emailed, because she had not heard from him. She said it was not like she wanted him to come after her,(?) she just couldn't believe that after four years he would not have called to check on her, see where she was living or that she was OK. I emailed her that if he was the kind of man who would be calling to talk or check on her she probably wouldn't have left.

He may call her at some point when he realizes she's really gone. I'm sure he thinks it's another breather. She's always been the one working harder to try and make the relationship work than he was. She may have to go back for yet another round. I think we have to do it over and over 'til we get it, however long that is. He took her letter at face value, for now, she's gone. I wish I could tell her differently but I don't think he's changing.

He knows why it hasn't worked, without reading the letter. She's told him over and over many times. My friend is the one that needs to realize it's time to fold 'em. He wasn't willing to do what she needed, that's clear. As long as she's the only one continuing to try and to take up all the slack, it won't work.

She's still hoping he'll see the light, realize what a good thing he had, come get her and they'll work it all out. I've been there. It's like you're circling in a holding pattern. You're hoping he'll come back with some lightening striking new understanding, his heart filled with love and you'll live happily ever after. Not gonna happen. They've been back and forth and round and round too many times with no change.

This is where, as Kenny says, "You gotta to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." HOLD YOUR SPACE
Let go, get over the hump and you'll see things for what they are.

Learn from the Past and Plan for the Future

Yes, I think this is the key. Learn and Plan. We can save ourselves much heartache if we learn from the past and plan for the future. What didn't work, and what do you want? The old expression too soon old and too late smart, says what happens when we don't learn.

I went to a seminar some time ago. They did an exercise where you were to imagine you had just three months to live. What would you do? It was effective because it made me think in terms of what's really important to me. It cut straight to the chase. Made me look at my procrastinating and take action on what I want in my life. What are we waiting for? HOLD YOU SPACE Learn and Plan, Live the Life you want.

Headwinds and Tailwinds

 

Dad the Rocket Jockey

Today is my Dads birthday, he's 87 and he's a flight instructor. I've grown up hearing about Headwinds and Tailwinds. Dad started flying when he was in his early 20's. He still flies and teaches several times a week. He loves it. His goal is to be the oldest flight instructor in the state. I think he's there,(maybe the nation) but he doesn't want to draw any attention to the fact.
Dad was awarded the Wright Brothers Master Pilot Award several years ago by the FAA. You have to have been flying consecutively over 50 years with no accidents to even be considered for it. Dad has a great reputation and students like to learn from him because he's the best, with all of his experience, including combat. He was in the first class of jet fighter pilots, The Guinea Pigs. They lost half of his class in plane crashes. I don't know how my Mom stood it. She said when someone went down, the wives would all hurry down to the flight line to see all the planes land, who made it home and who didn't.
I didn't get the flying gene and don't like to fly. I consider it a necessity to get from one place to the other. I hate turbulence and flying through storms. I once wrapped my arms around a pole in the airport and held on with all my might. I refused to get on the plane with my family. We were boarding a plane headed for Japan. My Dad was going to be in VietNam for part of the time. We would stay behind and live in Japan with Mom.
At the last minute, I refused to get on the plane and fly over all that water. I was 11 and I was panic stricken. My good friend had just died in a plane crash. He was going to visit his grandmother in Denver, and the new jet crashed.
The PanAm plane was on the tarmac and completely boarded. In those days, a protesting eleven year old could hold up an entire flight. It was a huge new white jet with a bright blue logo. The plane was filled with young military men on board and my family. It looked gigantic to me. I decided that second to stay behind in California while they lived in Japan for the next 3 years.
The only way I agreed to release my grip on the pole was my Dad promised to fly the plane if we got into a storm or into any trouble. (Come to think of it, it was my first experience with holding my space) Dad agreed and I reluctantly boarded. It took everything I had to walk up the metal stairs to board. I felt like I was going to the gallows. I had my rosary clasped in my sweaty palm. Mom gave up her seat and I sat by Dad. I prayed and prayed that rosary. My younger sisters and brother were sitting calmly in their seats already buckled in. I didn't even care that I was the oldest and would get flack for it. It didn't matter. I was frozen in fear.
We didn't have much of a headwind or a tailwind. The flight was smooth. I learned to play poker with the young airmen. I played with them for hours and didn't hardly notice when we landed in Hawaii.
We stayed for a week and then flew on to Japan. It was easy to board that next flight. I'll never forget the pilot let me go into the cockpit to see beautiful Mt. Fuji as we descended into Tokyo.
Looking back, I really appreciate the fact that Dad didn't strong arm me or force me onto the plane. He was normally a really strict disciplinarian. Had I not let go of the pole, who knows how it would have ended. I've never forgotten that Dad was patient and understanding. He was kind when I really needed it and I love him for it. Happy 87th Birthday Dad!

No Doubt

Ever started to wonder about a friends motives? Think the man in your life may not be honest? Doubt is like a crabgrass that chokes out all of the love in your life. Check it out, find out what the truth is. Once you get your answers then come to a conclusion that works for you. Make a decision. Stop allowing doubt to enter your mind and have any power in your life.

I think doubt comes from insecurity and lack of trust. It's like sitting on a fence and not making a decision about what to do. Ever stayed stuck and just obsessed without coming up with a solution or moving on? For me it's based on fear and uncertainty. It's not trusting myself that I have the right answer for me.


"There is nothing more dreadful the the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." ~Buddha

Getting Over Him

I passed this on to my friend who is struggling with the ending of her relationship. She said it was "excellent advice," so I add it here for anyone who might find it to be helpful.

Thought stopping. It's a cognitive tool to help you move forward. Use your mind to change your thoughts and get unstuck. I told her when she starts to daydream about him, miss him and think of all the good things... STOP! Make a List of all the reasons it did not work. Keep this List and continue to add to it. She can read it whenever she begins to waver or doubt herself and the decision she made to end it. At some point, when she is over the hump, she can grieve and think of the good things. But not now. She's already cried a river and been immobilized just like she's stuck in deep mud.

The List will keep her out of denial. It's the reality of why it was not good for her. It is self discipline. It's using the part of her that knows what is best for her and keeping it close at hand. It will be her best friend down the road.
Instead of wondering "What he is doing?", STOP! She can ask herself "What am I doing? What can I do to make my life better? What action can I take now?"
It's having an automatic plan you don't have to think about. STOP thinking about him and START thinking about you. What can you do? Eat something healthy. Read something good. Keep your mind occupied with good thoughts. Say a prayer. Be grateful. It's not a brain tumor, and it's not a major earthquake. It feels like your heart is broken and it's the end of the world, but it's not. They are feelings and they will pass. Breathe and let them pass through you. You won't die from them. Life goes on, and so will you. This way it's sooner rather than later. Instead of being stuck in the mud indefinitely and it pulling you down, you'll have some traction.

By using these tools, she's breaking the habit of the toxic relationship and regaining her self esteem. She's taking her power back. She's starting over and beginning to care more about herself than she did about him. It's not easy but it's worth it, because she is. HOLD YOUR SPACE. Hang in there, trust yourself and what the future holds for you.

Pink Lady

My brothers' long time girlfriend has breast cancer. They've been living together for years. She was just diagnosed before Thanksgiving and has had three surgeries, one a mastectomy, in less than a month. She is in shock and she's scared. She's "afraid to die" she told me. Who isn't? It's right in her face, front and center. She's getting ready for radiation and chemo along with loosing her hair, and adjusting to having one breast. Quite a difficult adjustment and a lot to grieve over.

She told me she has always been the strong one, the one to give advice and that she's not good at receiving. It's hard to be vulnerable and now she's without a choice about it. Something new to learn, to let people be there for you.
Some part of her was able to conjure up a sense of humor amid her fear of dying. She had a large pink florescent sparkling Christmas tree in her den. She said she was "getting ready."

She's hard working and has had a successful career. She's Vice President of a large corporation and is well respected. Her career has been a large part of her life. Now, that she's been broadsided by a life threatening diagnosis, I think her priorities have shifted. Having our health and people we love (and who love us) around is what matters most.

I think of her daily and I pray for her healing. She has a tough journey ahead. She joins the many women who have gone before her. I told her the three women I know who were diagnosed have survived.
I think she will learn how truly strong she is through all of this and just exactly what she is made of. We'll be there for her while she does. HOLD YOUR SPACE

Eat the Big Frog First

Yes, eat the big frog first, or the worm or whatever. In other words, start with what you dread most and it's downhill from there.

I've learned, if I begin with just 20 minutes of doing what it is I'm avoiding I make progress, I'm unstuck. Usually I keep going but I know I can stop, because I've agreed to just 20 minutes of whatever it is. For a procrastinator it's a start.

"He is able who thinks he is able." ~Buddha

Today I Will...

Do anything today that will make your life better. Just one thing. Rinse your dishes. Smile. Say hello to someone. Begin to forgive the person it is hardest to. Do laundry. Hang up your clothes. Small steps lead to big changes. Just a side step off of the path we've been on can lead us in a whole new trajectory.

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." ~Buddha

Love Sick

I received a call from a dear friend who is struggling with the ending of a relationship. She is having trouble concentrating, difficulty breathing and doesn't want to eat. She's weak and her head is in a dizzying spin. She's "Love Sick" to put it mildly.

She's the one who ended this up and down roller coaster ride of a relationship lasting nearly two years. It's been full of pain, drama and heartbreak. She's doing her best to move on and she's staggering. Why then is she having such a hard time? One would think she'd be relieved and feel some freedom that at last it's over. She has tried and tried over and over and has given it all she's got.

These are the symptoms some would call "Love Sick." Today, I think it's the pain of withdrawal. Withdrawal from the hopes and dreams of happily ever after. She gave and gave and kept no reserve for herself. Now she has nothing left to start over with. It's all over there where he is. Oh, she has all of her material possessions. I'm speaking of her gumption, her fortitude and her sense of self. She's emotionally KO'd and her self esteem is gone.

My hope is that she does not go back for yet another round and my heart goes out to her. There have been multiple re-trys. My Rx for her would be to spend some time with friends and get to know herself again. Learn to say "No". Get some counseling and heal from the exhaustion. HOLD YOUR SPACE. I'd like her to begin to care for herself as if she has just come home from the Emergency Room, a life of heartache saved. I wonder what would she might tell her best friend to do?

We all have to find our way out of the pain of giving ourselves away. There is a balance we each must discover. I stop here and you start there. The process is like going to the dentist, no one can do it for you. We each have to sit in the chair and deal with the pain and fear of an extraction alone. It's just nice to have a friend sitting in the waiting room to help and drive you home.

Love Addiction!

Love Addicts, I write this to any and all of us who have been there! You know who you are. For those of you who have escaped to the other side and live to tell, Congrats! Yes it is just like being in Hell! It is self inflicted because we have totally lost our perspective on what real love is. There is no trust and no peace. We agonize and wring our hearts out over what never could or would have worked.
I have been on both sides of this complicated equation. I know of the pain I write. It's exhausting. Obsession+Panic=Craziness. There is a way out, and you my friend have the key.

You may feel lost and alone ending what you thought was happily ever after. It's not easy going through the dark scary forest of withdrawal alone and you are not. Many have gone before you through the emotional wasteland. You'll make it. HOLD YOUR SPACE Trust and believe in yourself and your decisions. There's a new life waiting.

The Party Never Ends...

The Party of Life that is...We all (or at least many of us) make New Years' resolutions. Most of them I never keep although I have pretty good intentions. I usually fizzle out a couple of weeks into January and then feel guilty. For me, they are weak attempts and lip service at being a better me. It's an effort at change for the better without a lot of conviction on my part. I get lazy.

In looking back, the one resolution I made and have kept (for many years) is I quit smoking. It wasn't easy but I knew it was important for my health. I was wheezing and dragging. I later learned I had asthma. So which came first the bad effects of cigarettes or asthma? I don't know. I just know it was a good decision. I haven't wavered or smoked in many years. I can say with conviction I will not smoke. That's a fact.

This year I am applying that same fortitude and self discipline to my New Years' resolution. I know I can do whatever I really want to do based on that one year. It doesn't have to be some bad habit that I stop. It can be adding something great I have always wanted to do. I gotta want it bad enough to overcome my old ways. Hold Your Space in a place of change for you. Whatever it is, 2010 looks brighter!