Catholic school trauma

I woke up this morning very early with the panic inside me of a rabbit with a bobcat on it's tail! I dreamed I had a history test and I hadn't studied. I fully felt the terror of an 11 year old catholic school girl who was not prepared to sit for an exam and that's not pretty!

Anyone who's been to a catholic school knows that gut wrenching feeling of facing the nuns and being unprepared. It's like you are so wrong, a totally bad person. I felt that the nuns could see into my soul and they knew if I hadn't fully read, studied and whether I was completely prepared or not. They seemed to know everything!


I felt completely transparent, with no boundaries. They had a way of laying on the shame and guilt pretty thick. Back then, I had no idea how to hold my space. I was vulnerable to their emotional abuse. Some were Ok but they were rare.

I made straight A's in catholic schools. I was afraid not to. I didn't want to get into any trouble. I was quiet and stayed under the radar except for one time in sixth grade. I was writing notes to a friend and got into serious trouble. We both did. I was going to spend the night at Roberta's house and go horsebackriding. We were given so much work we barely had time to eat that night. Robertas mother brought dinner for us to her room. We started working as soon as we got to her house stayed up all night researching and writing all the reports we were assigned as well as math problems. The nun was just really mean and a bitch. I can write that now.
We didn't even question it. We just accepted the assignment and did every bit of it. She knew we planned to go riding and she didn't want us to have any fun. We were both caught red handed and took our punishment. ( I stayed out of trouble until high school chemistry class, but that's another story)
Thank God that was my last year a that school! I'll never forget it.
I've wondered what permanent effects the whole catholic school experience has had on my personality. Trying to be perfect and look perfect. Be smart, have all the answers. If you don't then pretend you do. Keep up the facade of being good all the time. Be quiet and stay in line. I learned to stay under the radar. Go undetected. I probably would have made a great secret agent.
The relief of the realization that it's 2011 and I'm grown, with no test to take was awesome!
And it's Saturday too! What could be better? Life is good.