Friday, October 31, 2008

Forever Friends

I met with a close friend to celebrate her birthday last night. We have been friends for a long time and met in art school. We call ourselves "forever friends." I don't know of a more genuine, loyal and dedicated person. She has decided to retire at the end of this school year. This decision came about after she was in a terrible car accident not long ago. She had a very close call. My friend lost control of her car after leaving her doctors office at about 10:30 in the morning. Tired and overworked she was returning home after being diagnosed with strep throat. It had been raining that morning and she was driving on a slick frontage road. Her car spun around and she flipped upside down in a ravine. When help arrived, she had to be pried out of her car while fully conscious with her neck and spine pressed against the roof of her car. She was in shock but still very much aware of how serious the accident was. She's lucky to be here and is still dealing with multiple injuries and fractures months later. She's going to be OK and is full of gratitude.
The accident was a big wake up call to her about how she's been living her life. She has given tirelessly, working long hours for many years as the principal of a school of 500 plus students. She is a dedicated and giving person, truly one of an kind. I know she has touched the lives of so many students in a positive way. We are all better people for having known her.
My friend had thought about retiring and after this accident she definitely made up her mind. Now she's ready to take some time for herself. She told me "...life is too short." She knows what a pivotal moment the accident was. Her life, and what is important, flashed before her eyes in seconds. She plans to spend more time with her family, friends and travel with her husband. She deserves to heal, have some fun and get some much needed rest. We often push and push ourselves on life's treadmill, and never stop to realize how fast our life is moving. I'm proud of her for making the decision to step off of the fast track and give to herself, and I'm thankful she's here.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Balance and Perspective

I just had a great conversation with a good friend who is dating a new man. She has seen him 5 out of the 5 days she has known him. I thought Uh Oh...She told me she is dog tired. A couple of times she wanted to say no when he asked her out, but didn't. Uh Oh...It's great to be in a new relationship with all of the Big Love Buzz and excitement going on. Caught up in the "is he the one?" And...enjoying the finding out.
We talked about Balance and Perspective being of the utmost importance here. I didn't want to throw a wet blanket on her fun or rain on her parade. She knows these things. I thought I did, too. I was wrong. My feet were totally off the ground and my brain took a vacation. I learned the very hard way.
I married the Dead Ex Husband just a few months after we met. I didn't have good boundaries at all! He put the big rush on me and I loved it, fully in the whirlwind spin. I was all caught up in the fun and lost my Balance and Perspective totally and completely. I didn't know the meaning of HOLD YOUR SPACE. I needed to take the time to get to know who he really was without the glow and the newness of the courting and dating. If I am really being honest with myself, I liked the attention. I got off on how into me he was. I now realize I lost my perspective because he was so crazy about me. (Crazy being the truth) Balance was gone because I stopped seeing my family and girlfriends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with him. Big mistake. Your family and girlfriends will tell you the truth about what they see happening. They will also be there for you if it all falls apart. The most important thing is they love you. They are no flash in the pan. They have history with you and will remain a part of your life.
I know I am being protective of her. I see it all from the lens of my experience and I want only the very best for her. Balance and Perspective; something I didn't have.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Keep Your Head In The Game

Yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. We talked and caught up on what has been going on in each of our lives. She just broke up with a man she had been dating steadily for the last four months. She said she really cared about him.
They had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company and had good chemistry. "What happened?" I asked. She said he had become clingy and he wasn't very motivated. He just didn't want to take the lead. She said she missed him and that he was a good person. She decided, although it wasn't easy, to move forward with her life without him. She didn't want to waste her time or his.
As we talked, I listened to what she had to say. Some of her girlfriends didn't understand how easy it appeared for her to move on. I wasn't sure if maybe she just wasn't that into him. She told me how she explained it to them, "You just have to keep your head in the game." She went on to say, "Instead of getting all caught up in feelings, and thinking about how wonderful he is, you keep your head on straight. Think about what is best for you, and what you really want." It made sense to me and seemed practical. I'll have to check back with her in a week or two and see how she's doing.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Above The Water Line

Ever felt like you have been living life under water? Life so stressful it's hard to breathe and difficult to see things clearly? For a period of time I felt like I was holding my breath in murky waters.
I know stress can take its toll. The most important things in life are health and sanity. We can't have one without the other. I'm learning to HOLD my SPACE in the place of Health. To make it my priority. I'm doing the things I know are good for me. Nothing else really matters. Eat healthy foods and rest. Chill. Take a walk. Be grateful.
We all have great answers to the important questions. I don't always listen to myself or take my own good advice. I know that I made it to live Above the Water Line. Sometimes I bob back under and it's pretty uncomfortable staying there for long. It's much better floating Above the Water Line where I can breathe and life comes into focus.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Trial By Fire

He had money, family connections and law firms to insulate him. Money and privilege can provide a life above the law if you are so inclined. Good attorneys can spin whatever story you want if you can afford to pay for it. The jury ruled 11 to 1 that he did not intend to hurt me. After all, the attorneys said he was a "special needs" person. He had health problems, gout in his ankle. At least I was free. One juror approached me after the trial. I am so thankful she did. One person believed me out of the 12. She saw through the lies. It didn't matter much, I had made it through and I was free. A crash course in Learning to HOLD MY SPACE.
He had found me through the post office. He told them we hadn't been getting our mail and asked them what address they had on record. They gave him my address. It was a very frightful time. I remember my heart pounding through my chest as I would make my plan to get away. I was afraid he would kill me, and he could have. He told me over and over again how much he loved me. He was used to getting his way with all of his money. He stalked me, ran me off the road, and kept me against my will. He weighed over 300 lbs and had played football in college. I learned after I married him, he had a meth addiction. My daughter told me I was like princess Leia with Jabba the Hut. A friend said I needed an elephant gun to stop him. I was living life on the ropes and on the run.
He broke down my door at 3:00 am taking away the simple comfort of ever sleeping soundly again. They had his picture on the wall of the security office where I was later employed. It was a nightmare, I couldn't believe this had become my life. I thought there was no way out.
The off duty police who provided security for his wealthy mother and her home, (among other things, she owned a million dollar diamond ring) were the same force I later called when he assaulted me in my condo. That scared me too. Would they help me? The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move to a place with 24 hour security and cameras." He said, "...this guy can get in where most people can't." I had just moved. Not long after, I left for Canada for several months, then I hid out at my parents home. I found a place with tight 24 hour security and cameras. My daughter said it was like coming to a "lock up" to visit. She added "...you live like you are in prison." I could finally sleep.
I lost friends who were afraid for their own safety. They didn't want me to wind up like Nicole. I isolated. I didn't want harm to come to anyone who might be with me. He threatened I would never see one of my friends again, and yet she stood by me and testified at the trial.
I can write about this now with little fear. He is dead and can't hurt me again. I never prayed that any harm would come to him. I prayed that I could be free to live a life away from him and my prayers were answered.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Mistakes Make You

When I was young I did my best not to make a mistake. My parents wanted me to make straight A's in Catholic schools. I always stood when called upon and I knew better than to ever misbehave. I was studious, quiet and hovered just under the radar to survive the strict and often punitive environment. I tried hard for years to win the penmanship award and never came close.
I was surprised when I won the combined citizenship and scholarship award my first quarter at the Catholic school in Southern California. We had recently moved there from cold Ohio. The nuns awarded me the special pin to wear proudly for the entire next quarter. It was to be passed on to the next winning recipient the following quarter. The pin was gold with delicate colored enameling and engraving. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I had been given. My special jewelry gifts to date were a small gold cross from my parents and a holy medal from my grandmother on my first Communion day.
I lost the pin shortly after the first week it had been presented to me. As the weeks went by, I couldn't even remember what it looked like. I just knew I had to win it again the next quarter so I wouldn't get into trouble for losing it. It was a pressure packed year for me as a sixth grader. If one consistently won the award, they were allowed to keep the pin at the end of the year. It was the first time I had ever kept such a secret. I lost the pin and I was afraid to admit it. I didn't want to be punished or be perceived as irresponsible by my parents, classmates or by the nuns. How had such a good thing gone so bad?
I created so much stress for myself by pretending and keeping that secret. All I focused on was studying hard to continue to earn the pin I had lost. I know today the truth is much simpler, if not easier, to deal with. Today, whenever I make a mistake, I do my best to move on. For the most part, we are better for having made mistakes. What we learn from them becomes a wiser part of who we are.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Force of Habit

Resist the force of habit to think in the same old way. Repeated thought patterns become habits and the habits of thoughts become our lives. Change is not easy! Yet we do have a choice, whether we want to be on autopilot or not. It's like centrifugal force and keeps us going in the same old forcefield. Or is it more like a record, going round and round with the needle of our life in the same groove?
We can lay down a new track, and change our lives for the better. Thoughts are things and thoughts have wings. It takes time, commitment and vigilance. I HOLD MY SPACE in the place of change.

Vibe Up!

Vibing up is focusing on what you want in your life and Holding Your Space there. I think of it as a scale I can go up or down. Somewhere in the middle is the bridge I can cross and choose to go either way. Happy or sad? Prosperity or Poverty? Hope or Doubt? It is my choice.
Our mind is a powerful tool. Whatever we focus on multiplies and expands. We can choose to use it for our good by attuning to the higher energies or we can have a pity party. Sometimes its easy to languish in the morass of doom and gloom. Like an old shoe, we can put it on and feel comfortably uncomfortable. I know it doesn't serve me or look good on me. So I do my best to give it up.
Choose to Vibe up, do it whether you feel like it or not. Think about what it is you truly want and meditate upon it. Get clear about it. What makes you feel fulfilled? What kind of person do you want to become? What do you want more of in your life? What are your dreams? Feel it is already present in your life. Make it the reality with each thought that you have. Think forward.
What You Believe You Can Achieve.
Vibe Up and HOLD YOUR SPACE there.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Secret Agent Man

My daughter married a Special Federal Agent with the State Department. They had a beautiful and lavish wedding attended by many friends and family. He was in the Diplomatic Security Service and he kept lots of Secrets.
When she married him he was assigned to Secretary of State Colin Powell. She didn't always know where he was going or what he was doing. She understood that was part of the deal. There would be Secrets. He traveled around on Air Force One when Secretary Powell was with the President. He also went to middle eastern countries, she didn't know exactly which ones or for how long. He carried a gun, wore cool sunglasses and had a kevlar vest he left in the trunk of the car most of the time. It was dangerous and she worried about that.
They lived in Fairfax,Virginia in close proximity to D.C. She learned to cook perfect dinners and, after much labor, had the perfect home and garden. It seemed like the perfect life. She had Teas at The White House and Presidential Balls to attend. It was interesting, exciting and life was never ever dull.
My daughter had been pumping gas near the Pentagon the day of 9/11. I worried about her safety as soon as I heard the horrible news. I couldn't get through to her that day, all day. I was relieved that evening when she called. She said it was traumatic living and working in D.C. during the days and weeks after the attack. There were tanks and armed military all over the city. She felt like she was living in a police state and yet there was a comfort with their presence on every corner.
We knew her phone was being monitored/tapped especially after 9/11. Her husband was in such close proximity to the The President and Secretary Powell. We mostly talked about clothes, purses and shoes, hair and makeup. There was the occasional "Mom!" when I would say a word or ask a question without realizing it was inappropriate for the wife of a Special Federal Agent.
One Christmas, I helped her with one of her parties and met many of the Agents. They were a different breed. Trained killers actually, if you think about it. I was looking forward to meeting the six foot "gun toting" Barbie, but she had been assigned elsewhere that evening. Although cordial, the Agents were pretty much a closed group without many of the social skills we regular people have. Their minds were on other things.
After that Christmas, her husband was assigned a foreign post with a planned move to Spain. He was to be in charge of security for the US Embassy in Madrid. My daughter attended foreign language classes, special driving classes and classes on intelligence, spies and terrorism. Once in Spain, she attended dinners with the ambassador and balls at other embassies. It seemed like the perfect life.
Their first Christmas in Madrid, he gave her a plane ticket to fly home. She had been homesick and thought it was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. She had a diplomatic passport and traveling back and forth across the Atlantic was easy for her and her pet cat Isabel even in the months after 9/11.
Once home, he encouraged her to stay in the U.S. and not long after, he wanted a divorce. What went wrong? She had tried so hard to be the perfect wife. She didn't understand what had happened. What else could she do? She had already given up her life in the states, her job, family and friends to go with him. She loved him and he was her husband. What happened? She was heartsick. She had her head under the covers for what seemed like six months.
It was after the divorce my daughter learned the truth. He had been having an affair for a long time. It began after he had given her an engagement ring. Why? The "other woman" she learned, was married. We speculated it was a good career move for him to have a wife, so he went ahead and married my daughter. They must have decided to each get divorces in order to be together. My daughter was told by another agents' wife he married the "other woman" only a week after their divorce was final. She was devastated, then angry. It took her a long time to recover. Over time, she began to understand how the marriage was doomed from the start. He was a well oiled machine and expertly trained at what he did, keeping Secrets.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Riding the Bluebird

My brother was sent to prison for two years and two months. It was an eternity for him and for those of us who love him. He is my only brother and he is the youngest of four. He has made some bad choices and big mistakes. He has had to learn the hard way.
My brother was nearly at the end of a five year probation (for drugs) when he was stopped by police for a burned out tail light. He was moving his things from a lakehouse he had leased in one state and bringing them home, to the state we live in. Once stopped, the Highway Patrol discovered he had a record and searched his packed suburban. Among the things he was moving, was a gun. He wasn't supposed to have one. There he was, crossing state lines with a weapon and somewhere packed in all of his stuff was an old pipe he had used for drugs. It was a very sad day when they took him away and locked him up.
After he completed his sentence, we spent time together and he told me lots of stories. Stories from the inside he didn't tell me when I would visit him.
During his two year and two month sentence, he was moved from prison to prison all over the state. He told me the move was called "Riding the Bluebird." I asked him "Why?" He said because the bus had an insignia on the side with a small bird and it read BLUEBIRD. He also told me it was the same insignia on the side of the old school buses we rode when we were kids. I had never noticed. Inmates (an odd word) are moved in the middle of the night from one prison to another. It makes sense now. Have you ever seen an old white school bus full of prisoners with guards carrying guns? Me neither.
The prisoners were never told where they were going or how long the ride would be. My brother said they were shackled together at their ankles and wrists for the transport. One night, very late, while traveling to who knew where, the bus broke down. They were ordered off the bus. I think he said a tire had blown and while one guard changed the tire, the other held a shotgun aimed at them. He said it was one of the most frightening times he had ever experienced. They stood together, in the heat of the dusty night, in the middle of nowhere. The guard who held the gun on them said, "...if one of you moves, I'm shooting you all." My brother knew it could happen. He said not too many questions would be asked about 5 prisoners shot in the middle of the night on the side of a dark county road. He had a crash course in how to Hold his Space.
I'm glad he's home.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Like a Bird Set Free

I will never forget this day, I don't remember what day it was, only what happened. I was having a hectic "hair on fire" day at work, when my former mother in law called. She is my children's grandmother. We have remained close although her son and I divorced long ago. She asked "Have you read the paper?" Odd question, I thought. "No, I have been busy at work, I've hardly stopped to catch my breath". "Why?"I asked. She said, "Go and read the Obituaries. Blank Blank is dead." (the abusive man I had divorced 2 months prior) " WHAT???" I said. I don't even remember saying goodbye to her or hanging up the phone. I hurried down the hall with my head in a dizzy spin, looking for the days newspaper. I found a paper and quickly turned to the Obits. There it was in black and white, the newsprint of daily life for all the world to see. He was dead. I had no idea why.
I immediately went to my computer and began to look online. I discovered the cause of death. He had failed to negotiate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. There were people with him who tried to revive him at the scene. He died on impact of trauma and massive head injuries. The article said several deaths had occurred in the same area that winter. They speculated excessive speed was involved. There it was. My life had changed. He could never hurt me or come after me again. My sense of relief was overwhelming, Like a Bird Set Free. I would never to have to look over my shoulder again.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Change Your Mind and Change your LIfe

Whenever I have something special to attend I think, "What am I going to wear?" If I don't have something in my closet, I plan to go shopping. I'll head out to find just the right something to wear. We all like to feel we look good. The current magazines have plenty of great styles to see as well as who is wearing the latest and greatest fashion.
I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good and looking good come from the inside out, not the outside in. We can put on just about anything (well almost) in our closets when we feel good about ourselves and our confidence shows. On the other hand, when we are down on ourselves we don't look or feel good in just about anything! Right? Ever been through 10 or so changes? You know what I mean. No great outfit totally works. It might help us to keep up appearances and prop ourselves up. We can put on the mask but we know what's really going on. Makeup doesn't cover up the truth of how we really feel about us.
Change your Mind and Change your Life. If it is losing weight, in a healthy way, then start. If it is telling someone what you really think (with a little filter) then do so. Stop smoking? I know we all can do whatever we make up our mind to do. For me, I just have to want the change badly enough to have the self discipline to start...I'm laying down a new track. I HOLD my SPACE in the place of change.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Addicted To Love

Are you a Love Addict? Someone who is in a relationship and (you think) the relationship is all there is to life? Is it the center of your world? Daydreaming about him/her is one of your favorite pastimes? You think you can't live without him/her? He/she is your purpose for living? Obsessive thoughts? I have been there.
Is it difficult to focus on what you need to do? Especially when there is a problem in the relationship? Where is he? What is he doing and when will he call? You think you can't exist without some kind of contact? Is he being faithful? Has he met someone else? Are you feeling shaky during these times? Do you feel lightheaded, dizzy, intense and irritable? Yes, this is Love Addiction.
Have you gone from one relationship to another? Gone from person to person and quickly attached and been "In Love?" Have you obsessed about him/her andwhen you will see him/her again? You want to call, and you may have called/emailed/textd/ many times already and to no avail. Feel vulnerable and afraid with your self esteem at an all time low? You feel completely insecure and driven. (and you may have even driven by his place)
Sound like you? A Love Addict? You probably are...you have just lost your perspective. Begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE There IS another way. Get your feet back on the ground, get centered and GET A GRIP! You are not in love with him. ( Yes, it's true, this is not love) He is the Drug of your Love Addiction. He probably is not available to you, which is a BIG part of what keeps you hooked.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Home on the Range to Haute

My dear friend is beautiful, full of life and has exquisite taste. Her sense of style is inherent, something that can't be taught or bought. She is the only one who doesn't fully realize her unique presence and value. She grew up in a small town (on a big ranch) in west Texas, you see, she is "The Pride of Shamrock". She has traveled the world and is successful in her business. Her place of business in the Big City opened just a few long years ago. She has been focused, dedicated and worked tirelessly to build it from next to nothing. She created it on sheer willpower, lots of elbow grease and her effervescent personality. She is great fun to be with, has a huge smile and is beyond generous.
Her business continues to grow and prosper. She has been interviewed, photographed and has had articles written about her detailing her success. She is living the true American Dream. What is missing is a good man to love her and share her life. She has a yearning to meet that special person and be married one day. She has a great big heart and gives unselfishly, time after time. Her Achilles heel is, she doesn't KNOW... SHE is THE PRIZE. Let the right man come and find you...and when he does..HOLD YOUR SPACE
He is the lucky one!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Better Left Unsaid

All the times you want to say something and yet you know in your heart of hearts it's best not to?
Zip it! Better left unsaid! Time to edit mentally. HOLD YOUR SPACE and let the right words come to you (or not) before speaking. Do No Harm. Unasked for advice can equal control. We only want the very best for our friends, family, husband, lover. It is their path and their lesson to learn. Support and care mean so much in times of strife. Listening and Holding the Space for healing can be our greatest gift.

Code Word: Geranium

I married the Dead Ex Husband in December of one year. My son and I escaped in the middle of the night the following July.
We lived a fairy tale life for the first few months. He and his family were the Noahs' Arc of Wealth. They had at least two of everything. Two boxes at Cowboy stadium, a big one for business and a smaller one for family and friends. Lear jets and golf tournaments. Racehorses and boxes in which to watch them run. A big box at the Speedway, the only privately owned box there. One BIG Yacht and various other boats, one to sail, one to race and one to fish. A ranch, huge winter/summer homes on a private lakes, it goes on and on....you get the picture.
I detail the situation to describe how difficult it was not only to leave but to get away. I loved him when I married him, that changed over a short time and after he hurt me. I was shell shocked. I called my mother to talk with her, he was so possessive, he ripped the phone out of the wall. He wanted me to spend all of my time with him and to talk only to him. He raged. He grabbed my cell phone from me, threw it against the tile floor and smathered it into smithereeeens. the problem was he thought he owned me and I wasn't for sale. I had a backup plan, and help on the outside. Code word: Geranium. My sweet mother and I had a plan for my escape.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Talking Smack

Have you been talking smack? I know I have...sometimes it is venting, disgruntled ramblings and sometimes it is just ol' fashioned gossip girls. You know, talking behind someones' back. I don't feel better about it, actually just worse about me. It can be falling into the habit of just being negative. A change is needed, a mental washing my mouth out with the soap of a better attitude. A filter from brain to mouth censoring out the negative. I remind myself to Practice the Golden Rule and look for the the good in people. Release the old way of just joining in and Talking Smack. HOLD YOUR SPACE It's time to lay down a new track and take the higher road.