Blame It On The Oxytocin

Ever slept with "your" guy for the first time and felt really bad afterwards? You've had the sexual tension build up. You finally consummate the deal only to feel totally vulnerable and overly sensitive? It's not the morning after glow you'd been hoping for. Is your objectivity gone? Is your confidence wavering? Are you feeling unsure of yourself? Blame it on the Oxytocin.

It's the hormonal bonding element that (I speculate) keeps the species going by having women bond to men. Yes, it is a chemical secreted in the pituitary gland during and/or after sex. Men can pollinate many flowers and few have the same super glue bonding experience. It's sex to them. To us, it feels like the glow of love...'til the next morning.

Make your choices wisely. Get clear about what you want. Talk about it. Get to know who he is, not who you want him to be. Avoid your unspoken expectations by learning what kind of relationship you both want. Lay the groundwork. Talk about it and be on the same page before the Oxytocin is released. HOLD YOUR SPACE You'll save yourself some heartache.

A Bird and a Fish

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they live? Opposites do attract. It happens often, and it seems so right at first. When reality does set in, it's smart to look at the truth.

Are we too different to build a life together? On the flip side, what can we learn from each other? Are our differences really too much to overcome? Can we meet in the middle? Otherwise, will we have to bend so much that one of us may drown and the other be left flipping on the bank and gasping for air?

Do your best to see things from the other persons' perspective, if you can. We all want to be understood. If not, move on, don't waste time, you'll take with you what you've learned from the relationship. The lessons learned will help you when you're in one that doesn't require so much work.

You'll Never Walk Alone

It may feel like you're alone and you may be afraid at times, but you are not. If you are going into court, a job interview, job review, chemo, surgery, giving a speech, whatever is big time scary at the moment, it's OK.  Take with you all the wisdom you already know and the energy of those who love you. Take your spiritual knowing and your trust that you are being guided and protected. They are all there with you. HOLD YOUR SPACE.  You are on your path. Remember to breathe through the event, be present and know that all is well. You will not be shot by a firing squad, you will live to see the other side. There is no way out but through. It will soon be over, and you are not alone.

Glamour Girl

My Mom was so very elegant I just had to post this pic. (click on it to make it bigger) She worked for a well known photographer when she moved to The City in Texas. He's the man on the right who mentored her. She learned to photograph and hand paint or aqua tint photographs since there was no color back then. (Mom tinted the photo of she and Paint that follows) Mom thought the world of him. Although Mom had many suitors, she met and later married my Dad not long after this was taken. Dad was in the first class of jet fighter pilots, a Yankee and new to the state. (see Headwinds and Tailwinds for his pic) It's a little bit of history.

Paint: The Wonder Horse

Mom and Paint

We heard lots of stories about Paint when I was growing up. My Mom loved this horse. She said when one of their mares was pregnant her Dad said "...now when that colt is born he'll be yours." Mom said she couldn't wait 'til the day came when he was born. She was there in the middle of the night and took care of him from the beginning. They grew up together and were quite a pair. I can't remember how old Mom said she was the day Paint was born. Mom rode Paint to school every day and tied him up outside while she was in class. It was a country school in a small Texas hill country town with combined grades. Their land bordered the Johnson ranch, and one of her brothers was LBJs best friend growing up.

Mom told us one day after school she was riding home and when she leaned to open the gate to their ranch, the saddle flipped to the side. Mom held on but when the saddle fell under Paints belly, she had to let go. Paint went running home without her. She dusted herself off and walked home. Mom had forgotten to tighten Paints' girth after she got out of school. She said her Dad was so worried when Paint came running in because he knew what a good rider she was. Then he saw the saddle under Paint and he knew what had happened.

Mom had baby lambs, goats, calves and her dog named Ring. She was great with animals and loved them all. She said the little Banty roosters were the most fun to watch, prancing around. Her favorite was her pet squirrel. Mom found it when it was a baby and fed it with an eye dropper to keep it alive. She said it didn't have any fur on it at all when she found it. It was so tame it would stay in her pocket and then on her shoulder when it got bigger. It played and lived in the orchard they called the North 40 while Mom was at school. Her brothers were hunting one day and Moms' brothers friend shot it without knowing it was hers. Mom was devastated when she saw what was happening. She tried to stop them ran after them, and screamed at them. Her brother yelled, "No..it's my sisters!" It was too late. She said they were so mean they skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of her.

I know it was hard for Mom growing up with five older brothers. They teased her and played tricks on her all the time. Her mother died when she was only fifteen and she had already lost two older sisters. The only woman in a ranch home with six big German men. She learned to be a strong and independent young woman who had to think for herself. She learned how to Hold Her Space early on. I don't know how she turned out to be so elegant and feminine without any older women around to guide her. She just was.

Mom left school after her mother died to help her Dad with the duties of the ranch and home. These days she wouldn't have had to make that choice at just 15. They already had a family who lived in a house on the ranch to help run it and hired help in the home. Maybe Mom was grief stricken to lose her Mother and didn't want to go back to school. It was expected back then for the woman to take up the slack and I always thought she wanted to help her Dad. The boys didn't help much, they played and just made more work for her. Turned out Mom was the only loyal and responsible one out of all but one of them. No matter how rough things seemed, Mom always had Paint the Wonder Horse to ride off on for an escape and to make life a little easier.

I do know she was the apple of her Dads' eye. He loved and appreciated her hard work, dedication and her kind and gentle spirit. Her Dad would tell Mom "If you want, I'll get you the moon and a star to go with it". They owned the first car in the town, so her Dad had means. He gave her a beautiful wedding when she later married my Dad. Her elegant dress was selected by Mom, designed and came all the way from New York City. Not bad for a small town Texas girl.

Today, I have those boots she's wearing in the picture with Paint, some big shoes to fill.

One Year Today

My Mom died one year ago today. In some ways it seems like last week. In other ways it seems like an eternity since I've heard her voice or been able to hug her. I miss her so much and life just isn't the same without her here. I talk to her every day and I know she's with me. I just miss her so much I hurt.

I realize there is no love like the love I felt from my Mother. Others can love us, our friends, family, lovers and husbands. The love of a parent for a child is different, it's unconditional. Mom wasn't going anywhere. She listened to me and accepted me right or wrong. She was there for me and helped me ground whenever I needed her. She was a major stabilizing force in my life.

Tonight I went to mass with my Dad, two sisters and brother. Mom would be proud of us. I don't go to church very often, nor does my brother.  After mass, we visited the church garden where Moms ashes are interred. We saw the newly engraved granite name plate with her name and dates of birth and death. We each cried. It was an emotional time for all of us. Dad showed us the tree he had planted in the garden for Mom. She would like it, Mom loved trees. The tree will have pink blossoms, one of her favorite colors. We later went to dinner at Moms' favorite restaurant and I'm sure she was there with us. She was a special lady and lives on inside each one of us. We all learned so much from her wisdom and grace. I'm grateful to have known her and to have had her with me as long as I did.

I Hold My Space in the place of Healing and Letting go.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Yes, that old song rings in my head. Breaking up is hard to do! It's so very very true. Why is it so hard?

We bond with the other person. We place our hopes and dreams on a life of happily ever after together. We have to grieve the life we planned as well as the loss of the person and the relationship. We think of them often throughout the day. We text, talk on the phone, email and  make plans to see each other. Their life is a part of ours. We are in the the Love Bubble.

When the relationship ends, for whatever reason, it hurts, we hurt. Some is the pain of attachment and the resulting withdrawal. We have to retract the energy and love we have placed on the object of our affection in order to move on. It takes time to heal. Some say it takes at least half of the time you were in the relationship to get over it. I think that is partly true. What is more of a barometer for recovery is the depth of feelings we had for each other. If we love deeply it only makes sense that the depth of grieving and loss is equal to the height of joy and love we felt.

You may be in disbelief that it is over. Is this for real? If it is your choice to end it, it's still a shock. It's a loss and grieving takes time. Be gentle with yourself and get back to center. You are learning about yourself, what you want and what is right for you. Trust and listen.

Remember, if you are with the wrong person, the right one can't come in. That thought may help you move forward. HOLD YOUR SPACE

A New Kidney for Mardi Gras

My sons' friend is getting a new kidney today. He going into surgery in a couple of hours. He's says he's scared. The first one wasn't a match, this one is. He's been waiting for years and I hope his body accepts this new organ with ease. Anyone who reads this send up a prayer for John, his new kidney and his new life.

P.S. the kidney was not healthy enough, so he's back on the list.  Pray for a healthy kidney for John.

Valentines Day

 

Valentines Day!

I received this sweet and heartfelt card from a dear friend who took the time to make it for me.

Valentines Day is a special day to remember all of those we Love and care for.  

We can each have more Love in our lives all the year through. 

HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Love with an Open Heart

A Swing and a Miss

The date went fine. I enjoyed the food, wine and our conversation. We had some funny moments and laughed. He's tall, handsome and intelligent. He was a gentleman. Something in my gut just wasn't quite right and I couldn't quite put my finger in it.  He said he wanted to make a plan to see me again. As we parted he said he didn't want to wait another six months.  I agreed to dinner Saturday night. 

After I left him that night and the next morning I was thinking I didn't want to go to dinner with him and I wasn't sure why I was feeling pressured.

The next day I got my answer. He called multiple times on my work line and left two messages. I didn't answer or return the calls.  I had meetings and was super busy. I told him the night before I was taking my car in for repairs early and had a busy day.

He called, texted me and left a message on my cell phone as I was being driven to pick up my car. I learned from my coworker she had answered my line and told him I was gone for the day.  In the message he left on my cell phone he said he knew I had left work early and wondered what my plans were. High Maintenance.

Too much, waaaay too much. There's no emergency here. I now know why my gut was uneasy. It's interesting how I was getting the intuitive messages about him before the behavior showed up. Control?  Some would say maybe he just  liked me. Maybe I just wasn't as interested in him. In the past I may have been flattered by his attention and his interest in me. I may have gotten caught up in a relationship that wasn't right for me. Not today. I realize how independent and discerning I've become. I trust my gut about what road to go down. I've learned the hard way.

I kept my Saturday night date as agreed. He commented on how I never answered my phone and I told him I was busy at work. I may have found the time to return his calls if he had stopped calling me.  He said he would give me another chance. I felt put off by his comments. He seemed arrogant. Although a nice man, we have very differing views in many areas. He made several  references to "those liberals" and a socialist President. He told me he wasn't judgemental and called me "sweetie". I listened. We're light years apart. I think he's used to getting his way with women based on his looks and success. I'm looking for substance.  A Swing and a Miss. There will be other opportunities for a home run on a different field.

Snow in Texas

We had amazing snow today! It was an all time record and over 9 inches! I took this picture on my way to work. It was a winter wonderland. We lost alot of tree limbs and many homes were without power.

Not My First Rodeo

I have a date this evening. It's been awhile since I've been on a date or seen this guy. I went out with him  last summer. I didn't return his call when he contacted me again.  I was just really busy, and maybe a little not that  interested. So It's been 6 months, he's called again and I'm going.  We'll see what develops.

He's been with an NFL team  (not as a Player) for many years, and is now a college coach.  The red flags that went up were around all that testosterone. Although I like a man's man, what's his attitude toward women? Does he see them as decorative objects like the cheerleaders on the sidelines? How interested is he in what I have to say?  How much has he grown?  I've been around this block before. Not my first Rodeo.  Although a lot older ( and hopefully wiser) I have been a "show pony." The perfect mans' accessory, attractive and personable, with a side of polite dinner party and cocktail conversation.

Today I know what I want. It has taken me awhile to figure it out and I'm still learning. I've had relationships both good and bad and I've learned from each one. It's not easy I'll say that!  I've had to know myself well enough to understand what it is I want in a relationship. Now it's a matter of holding my space for what I want, not selling myself (or the other person) short. This is just a date, but I'll know more about him. Not to sound harsh, but I'll know if I want to spend any more of my precious time in his company.

Relationship Boundaries

 

Boundaries and Balance

The Dance

Boundaries are important in any relationship, and are a gauge for it's level of health. Boundaries keep it clear and non toxic. I stop here and you start there. It's a balance. You each have space and the space allows for intimacy. It's honest and above board.

Boundaries are not always easy to establish if you don't already have them operating.  Especially true when in a new relationship. You love seeing each other and want to spend every waking (and sleeping)  moment together. To breathe each other in like a fine wine or beautiful flower is heaven. Beware, for Enmeshment ensues. It's difficult to be together constantly and intertwine without the risk of losing yourself. At some point, you'll want to have a night out with the girls. Come up for air. You'll want a weekend away, or just to stay at home alone.

How do you manage this once your routine is in motion, established and you're together every night? It's hard to turn the clock back and rewind to an earlier time.Will he go away or be hurt if you tell him you don't want to see him every night? Or will you feel abandoned after you get what you ask for? Either way, the relationship sure isn't worth it if you have to lose yourself or both morph into one to sustain it.  Finding the balance for each of you is the key to what will work best for the relationship.

As difficult or uncomfortable as it is, talk about it.  Be honest about what you want, ask for it and let the chips fall where they may. You will feel freer once you get what's on your mind off of it. Your relationship will move to another level. You will create intimacy with your honesty. Freedom within the relationship is the best freedom there is! HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Boundaries and Balance.

Who Dat!

Superbowl  Sunday. My Dad's coming over to watch the game with me today. My daughter and her boyfriend will be here as well. Although I'm a Cowboy fan first, I'm pulling for The Saints. I'd love to see them win their first Superbowl ever!

New Orleans has come so far since the days after Katrina. The storm was devastating. We we saw so many homeless survivors, hurt and hungry gathered on cots in the Superdome. The pain and sadness was written all over their faces. Many had lost their loved ones. They were the ones who had been to the gates of hell and survived. What a victory of the spirit for their beloved team to take home the ultimate prize of football!

Who Dat gonna beat them Saints?  Nobody!

31 to 17! Saints Rocked it

Awakening The Spirit

My kindred spirit and friend sent this info to me on a spiritual series with 40 days of information from 40 authors and spiritual teachers. (The link follows)  It reminded me of how we met and brought a smile to my face.

We joined a women's group at about the same time. The group was studying Native American tradition and spirituality. They were preparing for a vision quest in the mountains outside of Santa Fe. The vision quest was titled Mountain of Fear. This was many years ago and what a trip! We are forever bonded through this experience. Looking back, we had no idea what we were getting into.

I had never camped out before. So it was on the spot learning. We were in a group of  eleven women, mostly experienced. We had a tough crusty leader who gave us no slack.  Once in the mountains, at base camp, we fasted for 24 hours and each headed up to our chosen place alone on the mountain to spend the night. It immediately started hailing!  I had a sleeping bag and water, no flashlight. I did have matches. I didn't bring a tarp, although it was on my list.  Unprepared I was! A wiser woman than I handed me two black trash bags as we headed out. I asked her "for what?" She looked at me with disbelief and said, "for cover!"   I quickly formed my rock circle of protection and called upon my ancestors to guide me through what I was to learn. It was a lot as it turned out, but not what I thought.

I was the farthest person out on the mountain. I saw the experienced woman who had led me to the group head in, after less than an hour. I made myself stay, to face my fears. I wasn't going to quit. I was there to learn and grow stronger. I had just gone through a divorce and wanted to be able to stand alone. I was not  going to miss whatever spiritual experience I had journeyed there for.

That was the coldest night of my life. I'm lucky I didn't loose my toes to frostbite. They were completely numb. I made a small tent out of the two trash bags I had been given. I split them open and used sticks from a bush within my circle to form what kept me somewhat dry. It rained half of the night. I was freezing, aching and wondered what I was doing far from home, alone on the top of a mountain?  My sleeping bag was soaked by morning.

The night was beautiful and the stars were the brightest I have ever seen. I will never forget the beauty of the constellations as they passed overhead. I was a little afraid at times and very afraid at other times.  I figured it was too cold for snakes to be out. I did worry about the bears. I didn't think far enough ahead as to what I would do if I saw one. The plan was to stay awake all night for the experience. I remember dosing off and dreaming a bear came and slashed me in the throat. Was I hallucinating due to lack of food? I quickly startled in panic and saw what appeared to be three tall and willowy beautiful Indian women coming through the trees. They drifted toward me like clouds through the tall aspen trees. I knew they were there to comfort me.  I was exhausted and finally rested. I was not alone, I felt nurtured and protected.

I made it through that night. I needed to do it for me, to Hold My Space. Making it through somehow strengthened me. The next morning cold, wet, exhausted and sore I gathered my things and made my way back down the mountain. We shared our stories and experiences. Everyones experience was different. We each learned something that we would take away with us tucked in our hearts.  One woman had taken a walk after breakfast and to her amazement had spotted a large brown bear in the meadow! It was very close to what had been my spot on the mountain.

I learned I am resourceful and determined. I was stronger than I ever realized.  I had no sense being out on that mountain in freezing cold weather. I don't have to prove anything to myself. I listen to and value my intuition and I was protected that night.

Go to www.sacredawakeningseries.com 
to sign up for 40 days of the Sacred Awakening Series.

Wear Red Today

Today is a day to wear Red for our Hearts. It's a reminder to all that heart disease kills ALOT of women. As a matter of fact, it is the number one killer of women!  I don't know the exact number of lives taken each year. I'm adding this link for more information. www.nhlbi.nih.gov/educational/hearttruth
We think of cancer, especially breast cancer, as the big killer of women. Yet heart disease is the silent killer and weighs in at #1.  Wear Red, remind your family and friends, and have your heart checked.

Go Red for Women sponsored by www.americanheartassociation.com  provides a wealth of information on heart disease and its prevention.
Love yourself, Love your Heart

My Blog Yoda

My Blog Yoda has taught me how add pics onto my blog so here are a few. They were taken last September on my trip to Germany and Poland with my Dad and Sis. All pictures were taken with my iphone, isn't it amazing?

Frankfurt, Germany train station

Hotel Cafe in Berlin

Gates to the Archive in Szezchin, Poland

Caught in the rain in Gdansk, Poland

We were close to the Russian border.

View from our hotel window in Szezchin, Poland

Nowogard, Poland previously known as Falkenburg when it was part of Germany

My fathers' relatives (and mine) were from this little town, we never located them.

Celebrating 700 years!

Oops! Flat tire on the Autobahn

Lobby of our Hotel in Garmisch, Germany

(it's an American Hotel)

The Olympics were held in this little 'burb in the '30s (I think)

View of the Beautiful Alps from our hotel window

Bad Bugs

I was very sick with a baaaaad bug and it brought me to my knees, literally. It started in the middle of the night, early Tuesday morning. I was up nearly all night "tossing my cookies" as my sweet mother politely put it.

I was so sick and weak I wondered if I was gonna make it. Where did this come from? What was it that I ate? Many of us go through this wretching but we never really talk about such an unpleasant subject because we're so happy to get to the other side. My body feels like it has been run over and my muscles ache to the bone. I'm recovering and yes, I'll live.

I feel like I've been "gone" for a couple of days and now I'm reentering my life. All of the things that don't matter when you're very ill are there waiting for you to catch up. The bills the there, the cable not working, tolltag update, car repair, laundry and calls to return are all signs of the pace I keep, in addition to work.

I appreciate the simple things in life much more (taking a shower) and realize how much I take my health for granted. Illness is humbling and we all go through it. So many people do not have the miracle of recovery, and the ability to bounce back as I do. I know that in another day I will be back on the same track I was on, but with more gratitude. I HOLD My SPACE in the place of health and humility.

Avatar

I went to see Avatar and spent a Sunday afternoon with a dear friend I hadn't seen in nearly a year. The film was inspiring, spiritual and we both enjoyed the entire 3D experience. The last time we had seen each other was the night before my Moms' memorial service last February. My friend came to the rosary and gathering  for my mother even though she was working and had a houseful of out of town guests. It meant so much to me to have her there. Good friends come through in the clinches.

She understands about losing someone dear, and the grief that ensues. You see, her brother was murdered by her niece. Her niece put a chemical, barium acetate, from her high school Chemistry class in the take out mexican food she was microwaving for him. They were on their way to evening church and he was taking a quick shower before dinner. She mixed the chemical in his refried beans and watched him as he ate. She ran next door for help after he began to writhe in pain. The paramedics came, he was taken to the hospital and died quickly of unknown causes. She knew the chemical was untraceable. She was an A student.

It was several years later when she was in college that she confessed her crime to her best friend. She had been reading Hamlet and I guess she couldn't keep the secret of her fathers' murder in any longer. Her friend contacted the authorities and the rest is history. A trial ensued, she was found guilty and sent to prison.

There's much more to the story...My point in writing about it is that when the film Avatar came to an end, my friend turned to me and said "I felt both my brother and your mothers presence with us in the film." I had the very same thoughts, and she expressed them. I think of my mother often. Her death will be a year this month. My friend lost her brother 17 years ago. I'm not sure why we each felt the same presence and feelings but it was comforting to both of us.

P.S. I discovered today that my friends' brother and my mother died on the same day, February 18th