Thursday, April 22, 2010

Earth Day

Today is a day (at least for me) I ask myself  "How can I take better care of our Earth and cut back on all that I throw away?" I'm doing a pretty good job of recycling my trash. I feel guilty if I don't.  I can do better, we all can if we want to. I do buy an occasional cup of Joe on the fly. All of those cups I throw away could be reduced. I found this website and added the link as we look at doing our part today. They sell a coffee cup with a top that looks like a paper cup with a plastic top. It's called the eco coffee cup. It could be the perfect answer. I'm thinking about buying it for that cup of coffee I drink when I'm out and about. Their website states that New Yorkers alone discard 200,000,000 coffee cups each year!

I'm also going to use those canvas bags I have stored in my closet. I bought them last year for my groceries and they haven't held a grocery yet.

Happy Earth Day!
check out:
www.greenfeet.com

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Early Sex

I'm not talking about sex early in the morning.  I'm talking about sex early in the relationship. Early sex clouds things up and muddies the waters. It takes the relationship to a physically intimate level prematurely. You don't really know him. The budding relationship is put to rest on the back burner and beside the point. Now its the sexual tension front and center. We are no longer getting to know each other, we're now having sex. All kinds of "stuff" can surface before you know if you ever want to see this person again. Expectations you didn't know you had can raise their ugly head. You can't turn back the clock. You've crossed the line forever.  You may be living in the "Love Bubble" temporarily and loving the new buzz of the relationship. It can wear off as quickly as it started when reality sets in. Early sex shortchanges the real courting process and complicates matters. You've put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

I've heard women friends roll their eyes and say, "I wish I hadn't had sex with him so soon."  Her regret is usually for one of two reasons.

1) She's now more vulnerable. "Is he going to call?" She's feeling some panic. When he does, she's afraid he'll think less of her and just stay for the sex, or he'll go away entirely. She feels insecure. She can make up any excuse to herself as to why she did it. Was it the romance, the wine, the moment? She's given away some of her power and she knows it, since she doesn't really know him. There's no groundwork or foundation laid for the relationship. She's not sure where this is going or what his intentions are. She knows she had sex with him too soon.


2) She's finding out, after sex, the more she's getting to know him, the less she's into him. He's really serious about her, he's smitten.  He likes having sex with her and wants a long term committed relationship. He's ready to park his car in her garage, permanently. He's making all kinds of plans about their future together. She's not even sure she can see herself with him.  She's over it. She feels guilty about ending it and also feels some pressure to stay in it. He's so good to her and so is the sex. It's fun to have someone in her life. She doesn't want to lead him on and she doesn't want to hurt him. She knows she had sex with him too soon.

So HOLD YOUR SPACE instant gratification isn't all it's cracked up to be. Get to know who the person really is. Clarity is your friend. Decide if you want to have any future with him at all before you take your clothes off.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Joining the Circus

I spent the day with a long time friend (see: Mountain of Fear) who has been in the film business for over 20 years. We went to the set of a series she is working on that has not aired yet. I had never been to a set like it so it was very interesting and fun for me. I was like a wide eyed kid asking her lots of questions. The rooms had moveable plywood walls. The views outside the fictitious downtown office windows were tall skins of photographs of buildings just a few inches think. They were either for day or night up to 30' tall. It was a completely fabricated reality and a really good one. It was like we were standing in an office on the 35th floor somewhere. There were desks with personal pictures of kids and vacations. I saw hand written notes on notepads, along with plastic non functioning keyboards and computer screens. There was a brushed steel elevator door and I almost forgot there was only one floor. The sets were pretty perfect down to the last details. To us, watching at home we wouldn't give it a second thought. It all looked very real, a pretend world they bring alive. On the other side of the "rooms", there were cable cords for electricity and tall scaffolding stashed behind the pseudo walls. There were big fans and many huge lights on 20' stands. I could imagine some director Shout "ACTION!" in my head.

It was a Sunday, and since they were not shooting, only a couple of people were there. My friend was meeting a man dropping off some newly upholstered office chairs. As we were rolling them  in, the lead man said to me "Oh so she brought you here to work?" I laughed and told him, "If I ever want to see her again, I have to come to work with her!"  My friend has been working 6 days a week 14 hour days for several months. I was fascinated by the sets as I walked around in amazement. She smiled and told me, "Being in the film business is just like joining the circus." Sometimes she travels and leaves town for months to work on a film out of state. Each job is a microcosm of another world, an alternate reality. I know it's sometimes grueling hard work and requires intense teamwork. She always has a deadline and is working against the clock to stay ahead of the next scene. Some of the things she has to come up with in a day baffle my mind. She may need 5 antique pinball machines or 30 airplane seats or 6 turnstyles or 100 oil barrels. She's good at what she does that's why she's in such demand. It's the entertainment business. It's full of mystery and intrigue, with a tight knit select group working behind the scenes to make it all happen. It's like using smoke and mirrors. They pull it all together and make magic as they weave each story line together. 

Just like a circus, it's on with the show! I look forward to seeing this one on my screen at home.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

True Love

They were just kids when this was taken, and I'm not sure if they were married yet. My Dad loves this pic, with my Mom sitting on a donkey and drinking a Texas Longneck. I know it was a party somewhere near San Antone. They were in Love then and he Loves her still. We miss you Mom and Happy Birthday!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Extension Anyone?

Yes, It's tax day. It crept up on me. I was doing so well with them. I diligently worked on my taxes back in March and they're close to completion. Then I just let them sit. Why? Who knows. I guess it was the dredges that I didn't want to deal with. I was shocked yesterday when I received an email from Turbo Tax that stated, 2 more days. I thought they were offering a special price on their software. What was I thinking?

Looks like I'm filing an extension. For any of you out there in my position, you can download and print an extension form to mail from www.irs.gov, or pick one up at the post office or library. You can efile free at irs.gov or pay to efile through turbo tax.com.

Good Luck with completion!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

You Can Fly


I received an update from my friend who was struggling over her breakup back in January, a few long months ago. (See: Love Sick) She writes:

"I have been able FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER; to cut Bill (name changed) off-without having that anxious, I'm going to die without him feeling. I have not had the urge to call or text him. I told him that I was finally at the point where I could let him go and let us both move on. Since that time I have not contacted him in any way. I do think of him still every day, but without the need to call or text or write anything. The dysfunction I was feeling seems to be going away. I am not as stressed about things. I was having some impatient moods, but that seems to be subsiding. I am so happy about this. I feel like a caterpillar in my cocoon. By the summer I hope to break out as a beautiful butterfly."

I include her words, with her permission, as a help to other women struggling with the ending of a relationship. Time and distance do heal a broken heart.

My friend has worked hard to move on. She has grieved, been angry and hurt over this man. She also attributes some of her progress to a meditation and relaxation CD she has been listening to. I pass this information on to anyone it may help. Hold Your Space

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Get You

My friend of about 14 years is going through a court proceeding. In an effort to support her, I went with her for an added boost of "friend". She's been there with me. Being in the courtroom brought back many memories for me of my NINE and a half years of divorce litigation. I married a meth and coke addicted crazy man. It took me that long to get a divorce.

I didn't know these things when I married him because I didn't wait long enough to get to know who he really was. I was swept away by his kindness and generosity. He was wonderful to me and my children and I thought he was a dream come true. It was, in fact, a very long nightmare.

I had just finished graduate school. I'd spent the last three years in serious study, working, in class, or in the library researching and writing papers. Not much fun. I met him at my brothers' surprise birthday party. He was my brothers' new best friend. He was 11 years younger than I was and so much fun. I didn't see that as a red flag. I felt like I had crawled out of a cave and into the light of day. We were so happy together, but it didn't last.

Yes, I married a possessive, obsessive, abusive, very wealthy, drug addicted crazy man. Of course I didn't know all of this when I married him. There's a lot to be said for waiting until you really get to know someone before walking down the aisle. It didn't take long for the truth to reveal itself. I had stepped into the twilight zone and there was no easy way out. I narrowly escaped in the middle of the night after just six months of marriage. I was running scared with my son and found refuge at my parents home. I couldn't believe this had become my life. I later went away to Canada for several months and moved four times. He could always find me.

I kept my address as my parents on all my employer, bank, billing and credit card information, including my drivers license. I didn't want where I was living or anything about me in any computer system. The post office had already given him my second address. I would pick up my mail once a week at my parents. I was in hiding. I lost contact with some of my friends because I disappeared like I was in a witness protection program. I was running scared and I isolated out of fear for my life. It was often a lonely time, although I stayed connected so my family knew I was OK. I learned to Hold My Space or lose my mind.

I paid the price of untold stress, looking over my shoulder, and fearing for my safety for nine and a half years. He had pushed me around, broken things, torn up my clothes and thrown my purse with my car keys into the pool so I couldn't leave. He ran me off the road on a big city freeway. He not only kept me against my will, he later found me and just came through my front door. It was 3:00 am, I was deep in sleep and he broke down the front door completely, trim and all. It's taken me a very long time to get a good nights' sleep after that experience. I had many many nightmares and it was all very traumatic. I had gotten myself into this horrible nightmare and I was doing my best to get out. I was on the ropes much of the time and felt constantly terrorized. I was working and doing my best to keep my head on straight. I had to become resourceful in order to stay ahead of him. I didn't think like he did and never knew where he was coming from. It was hard to relax.

Because of all of his money he thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. He thought he owned me. I had stepped into another world with different rules. His family was prominent, powerful and very wealthy. There were private jets, private boxes for sporting events, balls and galas, racehorses, race cars, a racing boat, a 53 foot yacht, lake house, vacation homes and on and on... His mother had a million dollar diamond ring. He had great legal representation, the best money could buy. His family protected him. They didn't want anything "bad" to go down on his record even though I know they knew he was guilty.

I called the police, filed criminal charges and had a protective order. It didn't matter. He wouldn't go away. I knew he carried a gun and one time, the police stopped him for speeding and took him to jail. That just made him more angry at me. It was a violation of the protective order. Finally, on another violation, the judge found him guilty of assaulting me and breaking the protective order again. He had crashed an iron lamp into my head causing a concussion. He was fined, ordered to stay away from me, and serve 2 years probation.

I moved 4 times. The last time was to a high rise with tight 24 hour security and cameras. It's like a fortress. My daughter called it "The Lock Inn." The detective investigating my case said "Lady you need a place with 24 hour security and cameras, this guy can get in where most people can't." I can sleep now, but not because of where I live, it's because he's dead.

Two months, almost to the day, after my trial and divorce was over, he died in a snowmobile accident. His family has a 12 bedroom vacation home on a lake they own up North. I researched newspaper articles in the city where he died. I read he failed to navigate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. It said the people with him tried to revive him at the scene, but he was dead on impact of massive head injuries. I did not feel sad at all, although I never wished him any harm. I was just relieved. I felt the weight of the world off of me and I could finally relax. My life was mine again. I knew I would never have to look over my shoulder or be afraid he would find me, hurt me or hurt anyone close to me. I was free of him and grateful to have made it through all of it alive.

When I explained to my friend last week, "There will be a lot of sitting and waiting on benches and other people will be making decisions about your life. So just let go, pray and do your best to stay centered, it will be a long process. You have no control, you'll get through it and be stronger on the other side." She looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I get you." She knows I've been there.
HOLD YOUR SPACE

I write this to help anyone out there who may be going through something similar. There is help. If you have small children, there are shelters to protect you. Go there. Do not take a chance by staying. Death is permanent. Get out now and don't go back no matter what he tells you. Many women are murdered each year by their abusers. Your children need you and you don't want to be a statistic.

Go to this link www.ndvh.org  for information or call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) for 24/7 anonymous and confidential help. They have a "quick escape" program.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Getting Away


Sometimes relaxing and getting away is crucial to healing and moving forward. The ocean has always been healing for me and has helped me to balance and recenter. I'm making a plan to get away this summer, I'm overdue. My day to day life can be so full of "hurry up" that I can't seem to keep up with myself. I know I need to make a plan to rest, recharge and HOLD MY SPACE to integrate it all. We all do. I need to get off of the hectic merry go round that can be my life and chill. Getting away to the ocean is like a reboot for my heart, mind and soul. Relax and let go. I'll decompress by the water and begin again with a renewed and rejuvenated perspective. Join with me and plan your Get Away.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Follow Your Star


I had dinner last night with a dear friend who has a beautiful voice. Like many of us, she had put her dream on the back burner and let it slowly fade away. Marriage, career and the hurried pace we all keep got in her way. It so happens she's been divorced for several years, she's in love and as life would have it, she's currently between jobs.

We met a couple of years ago and when I heard about her dream to sing, I began to ask her, and encourage her and later even downright pester her, not only to pursue her dream of a singing career, but to take voice lessons. I was excited when she recently texted me about her first voice lesson. I learned last night, she is continuing with voice lessons and is putting together songs for a CD. She paid me the biggest compliment when she told me no one had ever encouraged her to take voice lessons. She said without me "nudging her" she probably would not have done it.

I've learned we just need someone in our corner, spurring us on, to go ahead and Follow Our Star. It helps to have someone who not only believes we can do it, but also wants it for us. I am so proud of her. When she told me with a big smile on her face, "I was meant to sing!" I got chills! It's her heart's desire. It's never too late to start living your dream and there's no time like now. Whatever it is, begin today to find and Follow Your Star!

Hold Your Space and Hold on to Your Dream.

Monday, April 5, 2010

No Boundaries vs. Walls

I had no boundaries and he had walls. It took a few months of therapy for me to wrap my mind around that one. I wanted it to work. I was supportive of his needs with his career while I gave up having one of my own. I loved him the way I wanted him to love me. I know many women have followed this path. We met in college, I didn't finish and I worked to put him through his last year. It was our plan and we were a team.

I was a stay at home Mom. I became an excellent personal assistant and life coach. I taught him which fork to use. We strategized, planned and discussed his career. I was there for him at his beck and call. I loved him. I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be a good wife. I learned this from my Mom and it had worked for my parents.

I used my design skills and remodeled several homes while my children were little and at home. We made a substantial profit on each one. The last one was pretty fantastic. We had a maid, pool men, gardeners and later a cook. I gave great dinner parties, selected his clothing, and made polite cocktail conversation. Showed up whenever he needed me like I'd been resting all day. The perfect wife, every mans' most important accessory.

Things rolled along pretty smoothly and we had close to a perfect life. As he made more and more money and became more successful, I felt something slipping. He didn't need me anymore. He had all the power. He emotionally left the partnership we had. I felt it at my core. I lived with the uneasy feeling I didn't matter to him anymore. As I write this, I feel the pain of remembering how hurt and lost I felt. He was making big deals and lots of money. I was no longer a part of it. He didn't confide in me anymore. He was absorbed in making the deals. I remember wanting to spend more time with him and asking him what it would take. His response was one I'll never forget. He told me how hard he worked and that he bought me a Mercedes, diamond ring and a fur coat, What else did I want? Why wasn't I happy? I felt like I'd created a Frankenstein and I didn't know him anymore.

I started a part time interior design business. Despite his protestations, I worked while the kids were in school. He said "What? Don't you have enough money?" One day he came home and told me, almost as an afterthought, "Oh , you're out of business." The accountants had shut down my budding business. He said I just wasn't making enough money to warrant staying open. I remember having several outstanding orders and feeling very deflated, embarrassed and undermined. (Later, in the divorce, he took my remaining inventory, my wonderful pieces, as community property.)

We were spending good money in therapy for him to manage me. In one particular session, the topic was very strained. I had forgotten to pick up his shirts and he wanted a particular shirt for the next day. The therapist suggested he pick up his own shirts or we have them delivered. His face showed his surprise and dismay. He didn't want to go to her anymore. He said he thought she was a lesbian. He began to question her education since she hadn't completed her Phd.

I started going to therapy alone and working on myself. I realized how much of me I had given away for the relationship. I had lost myself. I had wanted to hold on to the relationship at any cost. It had happened so slowly, and over time, I just didn't realize it. I worked on getting stronger and regaining my self esteem. The therapist told me something to the effect of, ...when you plant a tree inside a house, and nurture it, you don't know just how big it will grow. Sometimes it grows through the roof.

I was shaking the day I filed for a divorce. My heart was beating like a rabbit. I wrote a ten thousand dollar check to retain my attorney. I had two small children and no idea how I was going to support us. I didn't have a degree. I knew it would be hard and I didn't care. I was suffocating. I was sick a lot and I didn't even know what color I liked anymore. I had become indecisive and unsure of myself. He told me I was a bad mother and wife and I was beginning to believe him. I knew it would be a battle to leave, and I couldn't stay. I had panic attacks and I felt crazy. I was moving from the asset column to becoming a liability, in his thinking. He told me he'd destroy me and I would beg him to take me back. He said I was a frustrated emotional housewife with no backbone. I was scared, but his words spurred me on.

Our divorce went to trial because he wanted one. My lawyer said he was trying to take the kids to get my attention off of the money. I didn't care about the money. I remember when we rolled pennies to buy a 6 pack of beer to go to a party. He had forgotten that. The trial was hard to get through. He wanted to declare me unfit and he thought he had the power to do it. In the end, I was awarded sole custody of my kids and child support. I learned to let go of stuff and signed over the house. I was free. Today, I know it was worth every struggle.

I offer my story, although not the end, to anyone it may help. I've learned relationships are a balance. The most important one you have is with yourself and your God. Boundaries are very important to retaining one's sense of self while in an intimate relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Loving someone else doesn't mean you give yourself away.

I can't give expecting anything in return or I'll lose. Without yourself you have nothing. To thine own self be true. You can do just about anything you set your mind to accomplish. No one is coming to rescue me, take me away or make everything OK. It's up to me, and I can love and be loved along the way.

My transformation was from a hothouse flower into a mighty oak! I've learned to Hold My Space.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter!



Today, like Christmas, is a day filled with many happy childhood and family memories for most of us. Sunny days, pastel colors, hats, a new dress and shoes comes to mind. One year, Mom dressed all of us alike. My youngest sister had to wear that same style dress for years. On a typical morning, we found our Easter baskets, ate too much candy and went to church. Mom told us the Easter bunny rode a bike and we believed her. We'd look for tracks in the sand. After lunch, we had an Easter egg hunt. Our parents would hide the eggs while we stayed inside. I remember anxiously waiting to be set free to run looking in the yard. We scrambled for the big prize, the golden egg. It could have as much as a dollar inside.

Dad took movies of us each Easter. Those old films are fun to watch. The color is amazing. I realize now they were all outside at Easter, or birthday parties, since Dad didn't have inside lights to film. (say at Christmas when it was cold) Seeing my Mom brings back a big wave of the love she had for us. We miss her. Easter was her favorite holiday and this is our second one without her here. We're still struggling since her passing has been just over a year. She would not want us to be sad. Knowing that helps me to remember how lucky we are to have had her.

We're having slushes today to celebrate. They are Moms' colorful creative concoction, a frozen fruit drink with vodka! She made them in pink, aqua and red for Christmas. Happy Easter!