It's Just Stuff

I'm learning how after someone dies, the dysfunction in the family rises to the surface. The ugly emotional underbelly becomes visible. The family dynamics previously riding under the radar are now exposed. Alignments are made clear. Undercurrent manipulations are now brought to the light of day. It's as if Mom is no longer here to tell us to get along and we are misbehaving. It's painful to see. I know I can do it because she would want me to. She would want me to be a better person.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Since my mothers death, I've adopted much more of a "no bullshit" policy with myself. I've had a paradigm shift with what really matters. I'm grieving and it ain't for the weak. There's no time anymore for the motions I've gone through to please others. Looking at myself, I realize I'm at a whole new level of holding my space. I'm getting beyond the person I was. It's scary but I'm planning to stay here.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.

88 Good Grief

Today is my Moms' birthday. She would have been 88. She died two months ago today and in some ways it seems like two years so much has happened. I've cried and hurt and been mad and missed her and wished I'd done or said this or that..I keep going back to the same place I started which is letting go, or learning to. I'm not good at it. At times I realize I really don't know how. So many thoughts, feelings and doings have been crammed into these last two months I've exhausted myself. I'm learning this sort of "out of body" fog is what grief is. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, like a bad dream that doesn't go away. Yes, she really is gone. In my intellect I know she is in a much better place, I just miss her.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.