We joined a women's group at about the same time. The group was studying Native American tradition and spirituality. They were preparing for a vision quest in the mountains outside of Santa Fe. The vision quest was titled Mountain of Fear. This was many years ago and what a trip! We are forever bonded through this experience. Looking back, we had no idea what we were getting into.
I had never camped out before. So it was on the spot learning. We were in a group of eleven women, mostly experienced. We had a tough crusty leader who gave us no slack. Once in the mountains, at base camp, we fasted for 24 hours and each headed up to our chosen place alone on the mountain to spend the night. It immediately started hailing! I had a sleeping bag and water, no flashlight. I did have matches. I didn't bring a tarp, although it was on my list. Unprepared I was! A wiser woman than I handed me two black trash bags as we headed out. I asked her "for what?" She looked at me with disbelief and said, "for cover!" I quickly formed my rock circle of protection and called upon my ancestors to guide me through what I was to learn. It was a lot as it turned out, but not what I thought.
I was the farthest person out on the mountain. I saw the experienced woman who had led me to the group head in, after less than an hour. I made myself stay, to face my fears. I wasn't going to quit. I was there to learn and grow stronger. I had just gone through a divorce and wanted to be able to stand alone. I was not going to miss whatever spiritual experience I had journeyed there for.
That was the coldest night of my life. I'm lucky I didn't loose my toes to frostbite. They were completely numb. I made a small tent out of the two trash bags I had been given. I split them open and used sticks from a bush within my circle to form what kept me somewhat dry. It rained half of the night. I was freezing, aching and wondered what I was doing far from home, alone on the top of a mountain? My sleeping bag was soaked by morning.
The night was beautiful and the stars were the brightest I have ever seen. I will never forget the beauty of the constellations as they passed overhead. I was a little afraid at times and very afraid at other times. I figured it was too cold for snakes to be out. I did worry about the bears. I didn't think far enough ahead as to what I would do if I saw one. The plan was to stay awake all night for the experience. I remember dosing off and dreaming a bear came and slashed me in the throat. Was I hallucinating due to lack of food? I quickly startled in panic and saw what appeared to be three tall and willowy beautiful Indian women coming through the trees. They drifted toward me like clouds through the tall aspen trees. I knew they were there to comfort me. I was exhausted and finally rested. I was not alone, I felt nurtured and protected.
I made it through that night. I needed to do it for me, to Hold My Space. Making it through somehow strengthened me. The next morning cold, wet, exhausted and sore I gathered my things and made my way back down the mountain. We shared our stories and experiences. Everyones experience was different. We each learned something that we would take away with us tucked in our hearts. One woman had taken a walk after breakfast and to her amazement had spotted a large brown bear in the meadow! It was very close to what had been my spot on the mountain.
I learned I am resourceful and determined. I was stronger than I ever realized. I had no sense being out on that mountain in freezing cold weather. I don't have to prove anything to myself. I listen to and value my intuition and I was protected that night.
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