Work drama can be the most stressful and worrisome problem to deal with. The Politics and difficult Personalities combo seem to permeate the workplace like a toxic gas. This hindrance can create obstacles to keeping focused and just doing your job, hopefully a good one. One's very livelihood feels threatened and it has nothing to do with work and performance. I have learned it is a great place to HOLD YOUR SPACE however challenging it may be to practice.
My best efforts are to keep my office space calm and relaxed and not allow the chaos and sinister underpinnings to draw me in. At times it seems like junior high with grown professional women behaving like mean girls. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to the taffy pull and machinations of the drama queens. Alignments are formed and cliques are alive and thriving in the workplace. Some participate in back stabbing only to keep their job secure. She's the "yes" girl. It's a dark energy vortex where sadly, they are stuck. I remember my mothers words "If you can't say something nice..." I hold my space. I do my best to stay neutral like Switzerland and out of the war zone.
It's a travesty of justice that some womens' petty lies and half truths can result in significant damage to anothers' position and very livelihood. The insecure female with some workplace power can be the worst offender. Their jealousy is so unattractive. Usually those who try to stack the deck against someone else get theirs in the end. I've seen it eventually lead to their own job loss. What goes around truly does come around. I hold my space in the place of calm, this too shall pass.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Planes Trains and a Skoda
The train stations are great for people watching. The people are fit and hip, saw only one or two overweight people and thought they were probably Americans. We rode trains from Frankfurt, Berlin, overnight to Munich and on to Garmisch. It's good to go first class if you are traveling much by train. The ICE trains (Inter City Express) are the best. Get international calling. I bought an iphone before we left and was so glad I did. Better to use it for texting or for judicious calling, like a flat tire on the Autobahn. Get the adapter for your phone, no need for one for a hairdryer most hotels have them. Pack lightly, I took too many clothes, didn't wear them, and paid for it by lugging a heavy suitcase.
Skoda Superb is a great little car I'd never heard of. It's made by Volkswagen and not exported to the US. I drove east from Berlin in Germany and across Poland and back. The country was beautiful and the people kind and helpful. Except in Gdansk were someone shot me the finger, due to my driving, at least I think. Get a car with a navigation system, she, "Skodetta" saved us! I took some pics and will post them as soon as I figure out how. It's good to be home, in the words of Dorothy, there's no place like it!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A Wing and a Prayer
I'm going to Germany in two weeks and I'm not big on flying. That's where faith and trust come in. My Dad really wants to go back to the "fatherland". My sister and I (reluctantly) are going with him.
Both my Dad and Mom are of German descent. My Dads family from the eastern part of Germany and Moms from the southern part near France. Dad wants to return to where his grandfather was born. I think there must be a comfort in going to the places he heard about as a child. There is some mystery around what happened. His great uncle left Germany in secrecy and alone once the Russians invaded. Hopefully, Dads questions will be answered, and the mystery solved.
I have made arrangements to travel by train (200 mph I'm told) once we land in Frankfurt. We are visiting Berlin, Poland (driving), Munich, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein. Will be a whirlwind!
I have never been to Europe so this will be an adventure. I just need to get on the plane and Hold My Space for the ride.
Both my Dad and Mom are of German descent. My Dads family from the eastern part of Germany and Moms from the southern part near France. Dad wants to return to where his grandfather was born. I think there must be a comfort in going to the places he heard about as a child. There is some mystery around what happened. His great uncle left Germany in secrecy and alone once the Russians invaded. Hopefully, Dads questions will be answered, and the mystery solved.
I have made arrangements to travel by train (200 mph I'm told) once we land in Frankfurt. We are visiting Berlin, Poland (driving), Munich, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein. Will be a whirlwind!
I have never been to Europe so this will be an adventure. I just need to get on the plane and Hold My Space for the ride.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Wisdom of Restraint
The Wisdom of Restraint is another way to Hold Your Space.
Someone punches your button. You really want to jump in and throw down the gauntlet. You want to say something you know you shouldn't, and you don't, that is exercising your Wisdom of Restraint. It is easier said than done.
The subject can be the full range of many topics. The obvious and most controversial being politics and religion. For me, it happens more often with my family where I am "on auto" as the minority opinion. I have been in similar social situations and it's been much easier for me to remain close mouthed. Either way, I've learned for me, it's best not to take the bait.
I've had tempting situations also occur at work, when discussion of a coworker is the topic of the day. You'd love to open your mouth and give an opinion, but that could come back to bite you later. The Wisdom of Restraint. It has been empowering for me to learn just to listen and take note. Simply because I have an opinion doesn't mean it is to be spoken.
Even more difficult, the challenge may come from a dear friend who's (you think) with a man she probably shouldn't be. You want to head her off at the pass with what could be emotional suicide. Exercise Restraint. If she asks and really wants your opinion, then proceed with caution. You are standing on shaky ground, especially if she marries him.
Exercising Restraint may be the most trying of all when arguing with a husband/wife/lover. Words spoken are forever out there, unable to be taken back, erased or deleted. I know I have been cutting with my words coming from my own place of hurt and anger. Ask yourself, is this what I really mean? Is this what I want? Restraint is your ultimate friend. I've learned to first breathe, get clear, then speak my truth.
I should have learned this lesson long ago when arguing with my father. I could have saved myself from being grounded countless times on a Friday or Saturday date night. When talking about our teenage years my sister recently told me, "We often wondered why you didn't just shut up." I probably should have. They took the lesson to heart. I don't think my sisters were ever grounded.
After I told my first husband corundum was above diamond on Moh's scale of hardness, that became my nickname. I have learned the hard way. When I'm reacting because my button is pushed is so different than when I am choosing to respond. Hold Your Space.
Exercising the Wisdom of Restraint is a lesson well learned.
Someone punches your button. You really want to jump in and throw down the gauntlet. You want to say something you know you shouldn't, and you don't, that is exercising your Wisdom of Restraint. It is easier said than done.
The subject can be the full range of many topics. The obvious and most controversial being politics and religion. For me, it happens more often with my family where I am "on auto" as the minority opinion. I have been in similar social situations and it's been much easier for me to remain close mouthed. Either way, I've learned for me, it's best not to take the bait.
I've had tempting situations also occur at work, when discussion of a coworker is the topic of the day. You'd love to open your mouth and give an opinion, but that could come back to bite you later. The Wisdom of Restraint. It has been empowering for me to learn just to listen and take note. Simply because I have an opinion doesn't mean it is to be spoken.
Even more difficult, the challenge may come from a dear friend who's (you think) with a man she probably shouldn't be. You want to head her off at the pass with what could be emotional suicide. Exercise Restraint. If she asks and really wants your opinion, then proceed with caution. You are standing on shaky ground, especially if she marries him.
Exercising Restraint may be the most trying of all when arguing with a husband/wife/lover. Words spoken are forever out there, unable to be taken back, erased or deleted. I know I have been cutting with my words coming from my own place of hurt and anger. Ask yourself, is this what I really mean? Is this what I want? Restraint is your ultimate friend. I've learned to first breathe, get clear, then speak my truth.
I should have learned this lesson long ago when arguing with my father. I could have saved myself from being grounded countless times on a Friday or Saturday date night. When talking about our teenage years my sister recently told me, "We often wondered why you didn't just shut up." I probably should have. They took the lesson to heart. I don't think my sisters were ever grounded.
After I told my first husband corundum was above diamond on Moh's scale of hardness, that became my nickname. I have learned the hard way. When I'm reacting because my button is pushed is so different than when I am choosing to respond. Hold Your Space.
Exercising the Wisdom of Restraint is a lesson well learned.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mothers Day
You don't what you've got 'til she's gone. Last night I visited with my brother and father about Mom. We came to a consensus and appreciation of how lucky we were. We didn't realize we took for granted the wonderful person we had. It's just the way she was. She was a good and strong, stabilizing force. She wasn't a business person or a society person, she was a great wife and mother. She had style, grace and poise. She didn't say anything bad about anyone, and she was real. Mom just didn't like to badmouth or talk behind anyone's back. My brother in law said the worst thing he remembers her saying was "Why that little stinker!"
What a great example she was for all of us growing up. She taught us how to be good people. She gave to us all, but she wasn't a doormat. She was always there for us especially when we were in a jam. She'd help us out when we were in big trouble. She's stand by us. And with Dad, she would buffer the consequences of whatever punishment we were to receive.
Mom was born and grew up on a ranch in Blanco, Texas to German parents. She was proud to be a full blooded German. She told us how during the depression, her father had fed the people in the town who were hungry from the food grown on their ranch. "He was a good man," she told us.
Mom had five older brothers and lost a week old sister before she was born. Her older sister died mysteriously after childbirth. She had a lot of loss as I look back. Mom lost her own mother at fifteen. How she grew up to be a lady with such grace and poise with all those men I'll never know. She was the apple of her father's eye.
Mom loved her horse named Paint and she rode him to school each day. It was a one room schoolhouse with grades one through twelve. She probably already knew everything she needed. Mom knew how to pick cotton, embroidery, garden and loved animals. She loved their baby lambs and had a pet squirrel. She told us her brothers' friend shot her pet squirrel in their orchard and her brothers "skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of me."
Mom had her own ideas about life and would tell us to "stick to your guns" (my childhood version of Hold Your Space) She must have learned how to be strong with five big bruiser older brothers. She was true to herself, and taught us by example. I love her and I miss her.
I honor her with all my heart, today and always. Happy Mothers Day my sweet and beautiful Mom.
What a great example she was for all of us growing up. She taught us how to be good people. She gave to us all, but she wasn't a doormat. She was always there for us especially when we were in a jam. She'd help us out when we were in big trouble. She's stand by us. And with Dad, she would buffer the consequences of whatever punishment we were to receive.
Mom was born and grew up on a ranch in Blanco, Texas to German parents. She was proud to be a full blooded German. She told us how during the depression, her father had fed the people in the town who were hungry from the food grown on their ranch. "He was a good man," she told us.
Mom had five older brothers and lost a week old sister before she was born. Her older sister died mysteriously after childbirth. She had a lot of loss as I look back. Mom lost her own mother at fifteen. How she grew up to be a lady with such grace and poise with all those men I'll never know. She was the apple of her father's eye.
Mom loved her horse named Paint and she rode him to school each day. It was a one room schoolhouse with grades one through twelve. She probably already knew everything she needed. Mom knew how to pick cotton, embroidery, garden and loved animals. She loved their baby lambs and had a pet squirrel. She told us her brothers' friend shot her pet squirrel in their orchard and her brothers "skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of me."
Mom had her own ideas about life and would tell us to "stick to your guns" (my childhood version of Hold Your Space) She must have learned how to be strong with five big bruiser older brothers. She was true to herself, and taught us by example. I love her and I miss her.
I honor her with all my heart, today and always. Happy Mothers Day my sweet and beautiful Mom.
Monday, April 27, 2009
It's Just Stuff
I'm learning how after someone dies, the dysfunction in the family rises to the surface. The ugly emotional underbelly becomes visible. The family dynamics previously riding under the radar are now exposed. Alignments are made clear. Undercurrent manipulations are now brought to the light of day. It's as if Mom is no longer here to tell us to get along and we are misbehaving. It's painful to see. I know I can do it because she would want me to. She would want me to be a better person.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.
I think it's the loss of the loved one, the void, and the grasping at thin air that causes it. Maybe some competition and greed added in. The disbelief she's gone is riveting. We want desperately to hold on to her. It's only material objects that are tangible and are left behind to vie for. No longer her attention. It won't bring her back, and sometimes just looking at her things makes me more sad than if I had nothing but her memory. It's just stuff. I carry her in my heart and no thing can replace that.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
Since my mothers death, I've adopted much more of a "no bullshit" policy with myself. I've had a paradigm shift with what really matters. I'm grieving and it ain't for the weak. There's no time anymore for the motions I've gone through to please others. Looking at myself, I realize I'm at a whole new level of holding my space. I'm getting beyond the person I was. It's scary but I'm planning to stay here.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.
As I grieve her loss, I realize how much I've done to please other people. I've been saying "no" more and as I do, some people just don't like it. They may go away and so be it. Some of my friendships have not been based on just being with someone or mutual caring, but what I can and have done for them. I'm guilty. It has been a big part of who I am, a human doing not being. My self worth and value has been on what I do for others, being there for them more than for myself. It has been a high price to pay at my expense. The lens is coming into focus and the clarity is eye opening. Reality is not always such a pretty picture.
I began to fully wrap mind around and grasp this concept when I got sick from being so run down. A hard lesson to learn this people pleasing. If I'm not doing what they want and saying "yes", I'm not hearing from them. The pendulum has not been swinging both ways and I take responsibility for not voicing my needs. I'm understanding it's this feeling of being needed by others and by having all the answers for them that I feel valued. The underlying fear of not being loved for just me has been driving me. Finding solutions and having insight has been how I have felt accepted, worthy, loved and valued. I'm clearing out the excess baggage and clutter, starting with me. To myself be true.
88 Good Grief
Today is my Moms' birthday. She would have been 88. She died two months ago today and in some ways it seems like two years so much has happened. I've cried and hurt and been mad and missed her and wished I'd done or said this or that..I keep going back to the same place I started which is letting go, or learning to. I'm not good at it. At times I realize I really don't know how. So many thoughts, feelings and doings have been crammed into these last two months I've exhausted myself. I'm learning this sort of "out of body" fog is what grief is. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, like a bad dream that doesn't go away. Yes, she really is gone. In my intellect I know she is in a much better place, I just miss her.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.
I've been fortunate to never have lost someone close. It's tough when the first big loss is your mother no matter how old you are or she is. It hurts bad. She was the one person who I knew loved me no matter what. Yes, she wanted me to wear less black and cut my hair, but she loved me.
I understand now what so many others have gone through. I guess I will be a better and stronger person someday. I don't care, I miss her and I don't like life without her here. I feel like I'm five again and I'm afraid of the dark. I remind myself she's just in the other room, only now she's on the other side. She's with me, and I know she gave me the gifts and the strength to make it through.
My dear friend told me you never really grow up until you lose your parents, now I get it. I have been so blessed to have had her for my mother, I just didn't know the depth of how very lucky I was until now, and she's gone. That's the only good in grief. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.
I hold my space in the place of the love you have given me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Free at Last
My Mom died last Wednesday, February 18th. The pain of losing her has been a hurt I have never known before. My sweet Mother is gone. She was elegant, graceful and kind. She never complained and I know she was in pain. She died of the complications of colon cancer. A devastating illness that ate up her insides and went on to her other organs, liver and lung. I know my life will never be the same without her. I knew her death was coming and I wanted to stop time or go back to when things were different and she was well. There are so many things I wished I had asked her about. She was so sick at the end we just voiced the very basics. Can I get you water? Are you hot or cold?
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.
My brother and I spent the last night with her in the hospital. We both promised her we would take care of Dad. She wasn't able to speak to us because she was so drugged on pain medicine, like she was in a coma. We were sure she heard us. The following morning she passed away after Dad arrived. He was the one who was with her at the end and I am happy it was him.
My mother leaves with me a new sense of what matters and what is important to me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to sit by her while she was dying. I felt such reverence and I did my best to hold the space while she passed on. I wanted to honor her by being strong. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't stand to hear her labored breathing. Her breathing continued to change and became weaker and weaker until she was gone. I could do nothing to help her but talk to her and to pray. I watched her slowly die. I had never seen a dead person before I saw my Mother. Her life left her body behind. Her spirit went on and she was finally free from pain. There was a peace about her and having seen that helps me to let go of her. She is free to fly.
The finality of death is a new reality for me. I want to call her or go to see her. I forget that I can't ask her how to do this or that...She lives on in me, my sisters, brother, father, grandchildren and many friends she touched with her humor, grace and courage. I miss her terribly. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I treasure the memories she has left with me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Death is Certain
My mother is dying. I am so sad to loose her. She has been such an inspiration and has given us (my two sisters, brother and my father, her husband of 61 years) so many gifts from her heart. She has been there for us all through thick and thin. She never complained and always was there to help us. I know she will be out of pain when she leaves her body and is free of its limitations. It is in these final moments of her life I feel a fear I didn't know I had. I know she will pass to the other side and her spirit will return to its resting place. She can soar from being crippled by her lengthy illness.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
I'm not sure just what my fear is about. Is it fear for her in her passing? Will she be OK? Is it my own fear of dying? Is it fear of going on without her here? Life is changing and I'm doing my best to let her go. Is it that I can't go to see her or call her and ever hear her voice again? I know the strong person who brought me into the world is leaving it.
A close friend of mine told me you never really grow up until your parents pass away. She told me years ago how lucky I have been to have them both alive. She also told me to spend as much time with them as I could. I am grateful to her for this because she gave me such a gift. It seems so obvious yet I was busy with my life going and doing and might not have taken the time I did to spend with my mother. I pass my friends wisdom on to anyone who reads this. Now, in the last hours of my mothers life I know I spent good time with her. She knows I love her. It is because of my friends wisdom I had those valuable moments.
Life is Fragile and Death is Certain. I HOLD MY SPACE in a place of prayer for my mother. I ask God to take her in his arms and to help us all to let go of the sweetest one we love. I trust she is safe and will be on the wings of angels.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
How Exactly Though?
I had a recent comment from Becky with a question ..."How exactly though?" she asks. Her question was how to begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE. When you formulate the question, Becky, the answers do come.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
It is a process, not a quick one I might add. If you are like me, you probably have been giving away parts of yourself for a very long time. I didn't even realize I was giving myself and my power away. It happened over a long time. Mostly in my first marriage. I tried hard to make it work. I was doing a balancing act and didn't realize it. I was giving little parts of me away to keep a balance in the relationship. I was walking a tight rope. Sometimes I did it just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I was being a good wife. I was understanding and nice. I thought if I did my best and was a good person I would have the happy ending. If I could be good enough, it would all work out. Right?
One day it hit me, I didn't even know what color I liked. I had lost the part of myself that was creative. It had come naturally to me, and one day it was gone. I was working as an interior designer, and I lost my mojo. I think I hit a critical mass and just dissolved me into the ethers. I was afraid, very afraid. I started to have panic attacks and lived in fear. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I had lost not only my self esteem, but the creativity that made me, me. Afraid to leave, I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully we went to marriage counseling. The therapist wanted to see me alone. I remember thinking, "...but he is the one who is the problem in this marriage, I'm the one who is trying." Why not talk with him?
Through therapy I learned and I learned. I had been more concerned about what someone else needed and wanted than what my own needs were. I wouldn't say no when I wanted to. In the process I learned to matter to myself. I remember the therapist telling me. "When you plant a tree inside a house you don't know how big it will grow." I later knew what she meant when I filed for a divorce. I was not meant to be a hothouse flower, I was on my way to becoming a mighty oak.
A large part of holding your space is beginning to love yourself enough to say "no" when you need to. It is establishing and keeping your own boundaries. Listening to your own guidance. It doesn't matter anymore if "they" are unhappy with your decisions, or if "they" like your answers. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?" Look to yourself for the answers to your questions. Begin to trust yourself. Take your own power. We each know inside of ourselves what the right (and the best) thing is for us, that is what makes us each unique. Listen to you and not outside of yourself for what makes you happy. Practice listening and learning who you are and what you want. Follow the road back to you. When you love yourself then you can love another. That is the key.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Happily Ever Now
My son is a great one for living in the moment. He knows the power of living now. By just being around him, he is a reminder to me (when I get too far out there) to reel myself back into the present moment. We can live in and create a future in the now. Now, the present moment, is really all we have, and it is precious.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
I'm learning to practice living in and enjoying the present moment more. My old habits of looking to the future are hard to break. They are often triggered by just wondering what is going to happen. Sometimes driven by fear, it's often a waste of my time. When we look back on our life, memories are made by living our life not by thinking about the future. Memories are made by being in the present.
I do come by it naturally. I took a test a few years back and it nailed me. A Futurist was my biggest strength. OK, so I thought, similar to a visionary? Not sure about that, but that "strength" has hampered my staying in the present. In the present, and only the present, I can practice the presence and meditate. This understanding helps me and grounds me to live happily ever NOW. I HOLD MY SPACE in the POWER of NOW.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
All is Well
As 2008 comes to an end, I reflect on all that has happened this year. Some bad but mostly good. It has been a year of big change and more to come, I'm sure. I am thankful for all of the good that has transpired and grateful for the many blessings I have in my life.
The biggest shift I see is the majority of us have elected a new President with a new vision for the future of our country. I am thankful. We are united in hope for change and are at a turning point. It's a spiritual awakening. We have lost many lives and spent untold dollars on a war we don't need to be in. Mr. Bush has that one on his shoulders and may go down in history (if written in truth) as the worst President ever. Let's be respectful of life and the planet. Feed the hungry not fill your pockets with blood and oil money. Bring home our boys.
The economy has taken a big dip. The unethical business practices of many responsible has helped it tank. There are always consequences and they will get theirs. It is a rebuilding process. My hope is, the offender CEOs will all be replaced, or we will be back where we were. More and more of us are waking up to the truth about our (previous) politicians and their bed buddies. Hopefully, the days of the Good 'ol Boys are behind us. Clean House!
I HOLD MY SPACE in a Vision of Peace, Health and Prosperity for all of us. Happy New Year!
The biggest shift I see is the majority of us have elected a new President with a new vision for the future of our country. I am thankful. We are united in hope for change and are at a turning point. It's a spiritual awakening. We have lost many lives and spent untold dollars on a war we don't need to be in. Mr. Bush has that one on his shoulders and may go down in history (if written in truth) as the worst President ever. Let's be respectful of life and the planet. Feed the hungry not fill your pockets with blood and oil money. Bring home our boys.
The economy has taken a big dip. The unethical business practices of many responsible has helped it tank. There are always consequences and they will get theirs. It is a rebuilding process. My hope is, the offender CEOs will all be replaced, or we will be back where we were. More and more of us are waking up to the truth about our (previous) politicians and their bed buddies. Hopefully, the days of the Good 'ol Boys are behind us. Clean House!
I HOLD MY SPACE in a Vision of Peace, Health and Prosperity for all of us. Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Brave Little Girl
After seeing the film Three Seasons, I am reminded of a story of a Brave Little Girl. I have a friend who is a Pharmacist in a hospital where I worked and she is from Vietnam. At the end of the war American troops were quickly pulling out of Vietnam. I remember watching the absolute chaos on television as Americans evacuated. U.S. military planes were full of Vietnamese people who were clamoring to get out, knowing if they were left behind they would be murdered. They had supported the US occupation.
My friend told me her family was one of those families. They were waiting in a crowd to board a C130, the huge dinosaur of a plane like my father flew, a cargo plane. It had a giant trap-like door and loaded from the rear. I asked her if they added seats to the plane. "No", they sat on the floor, no seats or seat belts. She said there were eight of them in her family. She was standing at the end of her family's line when a soldier stopped her. The plane was full and she could not board. Her family was on the plane and she was the last one. Her mother was hysterical. She begged them to let her off the plane to change places with her daughter. My friend watched as the door slowly closed. She was left behind.
She was only ten years old when she watched her family take off for a new faraway land without her. The following day, she boarded a similar plane she hoped would take her to her family. She was taken to a large refugee camp in northern California outside of San Francisco. She looked frantically but her family was not there. She didn't know anyone. She told me they lived in tents, it rained a lot and she remembers all of the mud. She spoke no English. Some families took her in and shared their food. She went from family to family and tent to tent, as some moved on and left the camp. She was alone again.
As time passed, it was noted she was separated from her family and a search was started by the government. They were unable to find her family. She didn't understand this at the time, but later understood she was being put up for adoption. My friend was taken from the camp to visit the woman who planned to adopt her. She told me the woman was beautiful and kind. She wore fine clothing, a hat and had a little dog. My friend had visited her lavishly decorated home in her white limosuine and was shown the room that would be hers. The woman had arranged private schooling and had purchased new clothes for her to wear. The day her adoption was to be final my friend was told her family may have been located in Georgia. It had been nearly a year since she had seen them. She was given a choice to go with the lady and be adopted or take the chance to go to Georgia and possibly reunite with her family. She took the chance, found her family and said it was the most wonderful feeling to see them and to be back with them again.
My friend decided to leave her job at the hospital where we had worked together. I told her how much I would miss her and asked her where she was going. She said she was going to work at the VA Hospital. I asked her "Why?" The pay was substantially less than what she was making, it would be a lot farther commute and the work would be tough. She said she wanted to give back to American soldiers who had helped her and had helped her family. She said they needed help and she knew most of them were Vietnam Vets.
My friend told me her family was one of those families. They were waiting in a crowd to board a C130, the huge dinosaur of a plane like my father flew, a cargo plane. It had a giant trap-like door and loaded from the rear. I asked her if they added seats to the plane. "No", they sat on the floor, no seats or seat belts. She said there were eight of them in her family. She was standing at the end of her family's line when a soldier stopped her. The plane was full and she could not board. Her family was on the plane and she was the last one. Her mother was hysterical. She begged them to let her off the plane to change places with her daughter. My friend watched as the door slowly closed. She was left behind.
She was only ten years old when she watched her family take off for a new faraway land without her. The following day, she boarded a similar plane she hoped would take her to her family. She was taken to a large refugee camp in northern California outside of San Francisco. She looked frantically but her family was not there. She didn't know anyone. She told me they lived in tents, it rained a lot and she remembers all of the mud. She spoke no English. Some families took her in and shared their food. She went from family to family and tent to tent, as some moved on and left the camp. She was alone again.
As time passed, it was noted she was separated from her family and a search was started by the government. They were unable to find her family. She didn't understand this at the time, but later understood she was being put up for adoption. My friend was taken from the camp to visit the woman who planned to adopt her. She told me the woman was beautiful and kind. She wore fine clothing, a hat and had a little dog. My friend had visited her lavishly decorated home in her white limosuine and was shown the room that would be hers. The woman had arranged private schooling and had purchased new clothes for her to wear. The day her adoption was to be final my friend was told her family may have been located in Georgia. It had been nearly a year since she had seen them. She was given a choice to go with the lady and be adopted or take the chance to go to Georgia and possibly reunite with her family. She took the chance, found her family and said it was the most wonderful feeling to see them and to be back with them again.
My friend decided to leave her job at the hospital where we had worked together. I told her how much I would miss her and asked her where she was going. She said she was going to work at the VA Hospital. I asked her "Why?" The pay was substantially less than what she was making, it would be a lot farther commute and the work would be tough. She said she wanted to give back to American soldiers who had helped her and had helped her family. She said they needed help and she knew most of them were Vietnam Vets.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Three Seasons
Just finished watching a film on the Sundance channel titled Three Seasons. It is a story of several relationships set in postwar Vietnam. I lived in Japan during part of the Vietnam war and saw many young American soldiers on their way to Vietnam and returning to the States after being injured. Many lost limbs and many more didn't make it home.
My father was sent to Vietnam for six months while we stayed behind in Japan. I worried about him. I look back on that time and realize how brave my mother was, too. She was left in a country with a very different culture to care for four children under 13. We lived in a small house in the rice paddys, close to the American Base Yokota, just outside of Tokyo. My father was sent to Saigon to work with Commander Kei in order to assist with pulling our troops out of Vietnam. (before the President escalated the war) When he returned, we learned the person he was replacing had been killed when a Viet Kong threw a a grenade inside a loaf of bread into his staff car. He told us they had given him a Jeep with chicken wire sides to protect him. Somehow it wasn't very reassuring but he was home.
After spending three years in Japan. We moved to California. It was great to be home. While I was having a fun time in high school, my father was still flying in and out of Vietnam. He flew C130s and later 141s. I didn't learn until much later that he flew tanks, weapons and vehicles in and hundreds of boys in body bags back. He said it was a very long flight home in that huge plane with just himself, his copilot and navigator and all of those of dead young boys in body bags. How chilling and sad, it makes me want to cry when I think of it. I hate war.
I HOLD MY SPACE in the place of PEACE.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The World is Yours
To quote a famous rap singer, Nas, The World is Yours. He knows how to HOLD his SPACE. He's right, the World is Ours. We can each do with it what we want. Be responsible or not. Vibe up or Vibe down. We have our own particular place in it.
It's sad to say, but the totality of what is going on the world is the product of our individual cumulative thought. The sum is the total of it parts, and that's us. War, Starvation, Genocide, Abusing our Earth, Corruption and Greed. Not pretty. I'm sounding preachy. I'm hopeful for change. We have elected great new President. We are waking up. Who's World is it?
It's sad to say, but the totality of what is going on the world is the product of our individual cumulative thought. The sum is the total of it parts, and that's us. War, Starvation, Genocide, Abusing our Earth, Corruption and Greed. Not pretty. I'm sounding preachy. I'm hopeful for change. We have elected great new President. We are waking up. Who's World is it?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Give More Spend Less
This year my family has decided not to exchange Christmas gifts. We unanimously agreed. Our parents are past their mid 80's and it puts extra stress on them to be a part of all the gifting.
For the first year ever, we will not have the stress of shopping and spending. We won't have the gift concerns of what to buy and for whom. We won't have to fight the crowds for something we don't need anyway and may never use. The retailers could suffer if a lot of families decided to do this, but it is the best solution for us. We won't spend money we don't have.
We will celebrate by just being together. Spending time together. We will each bring something to celebrate a delicious Christmas dinner and talk about what's going in our lives. We will give more in the way that truly matters, without all of the fluff of stuff. (as much as we all like it) Give More Spend Less. It will be interesting to see how it all goes since we are breaking our own tradition. We are not even going to exchange homemade gifts, nothing but ourselves. We will learn to experience the true meaning of Christmas. It's a novel idea and it's about time.
For the first year ever, we will not have the stress of shopping and spending. We won't have the gift concerns of what to buy and for whom. We won't have to fight the crowds for something we don't need anyway and may never use. The retailers could suffer if a lot of families decided to do this, but it is the best solution for us. We won't spend money we don't have.
We will celebrate by just being together. Spending time together. We will each bring something to celebrate a delicious Christmas dinner and talk about what's going in our lives. We will give more in the way that truly matters, without all of the fluff of stuff. (as much as we all like it) Give More Spend Less. It will be interesting to see how it all goes since we are breaking our own tradition. We are not even going to exchange homemade gifts, nothing but ourselves. We will learn to experience the true meaning of Christmas. It's a novel idea and it's about time.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
Today is a day I count my blessings and I'm thankful there are many to count. I'm alive and healthy, I have a wonderful family, two great kids and awesome friends. I have a job I enjoy and good people to work with. I'm very thankful my parents are here to share this Thanksgiving dinner.
Many of us have been going through some rough and challenging financial times. I know I have had to dig down deeper and deeper but it all seems to work out. We get through it. Sometimes I'm not sure just how its all going to work out, but it does. We have each other to lean on and to help us weather the storm.
Without the rough times I wouldn't have known what great friends and family I have, because I never would have had to ask for help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It is humbling to have to ask and it has made me stronger. They have been there for me when I needed them the most and for that I am thankful.
Many of us have been going through some rough and challenging financial times. I know I have had to dig down deeper and deeper but it all seems to work out. We get through it. Sometimes I'm not sure just how its all going to work out, but it does. We have each other to lean on and to help us weather the storm.
Without the rough times I wouldn't have known what great friends and family I have, because I never would have had to ask for help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It is humbling to have to ask and it has made me stronger. They have been there for me when I needed them the most and for that I am thankful.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Assassination
Assassination is such a strange word and so extreme a violent and calculated act of murder. I was living in Japan when President Kennedy was assassinated. We were awakened by a neighbor knocking on our door to tell us the shocking news the President had been shot. We waited to hear more and said prayers. We learned much later President Kennedy had died from a gunshot wound to the head. I will never forget that day. It was a gray day much like today in Dallas. Somber. Frightening. Sad. Why would someone do such a thing? I felt sick to my stomach. At a young age, I realized the world was not a safe place if someone would kill the President of our country.
The Japan Times printed a one page paper (in English) with what little they knew had happened. It was hard to be so far away from home and to know so little. Japanese television had one clip of the motorcade and repeated it over and over again. That was all we saw. There was a heavy cloud of uncertainty and lots of speculation about what happened, who did it, and what the future held for our country.
We returned to the States the following summer and learned how much news had been shown on television here. We missed it all. There was a big gap in our experience of what had happened by having just that one page to read. We had been isolated by living nearly half a globe away with the limited information of early technology. We learned most of America had been gathered around their TV sets for a week and that Americans joined together and mourned their loss as an entire country. No one had any credible answers then and sadly we still don't today, 45 years later.
The Japan Times printed a one page paper (in English) with what little they knew had happened. It was hard to be so far away from home and to know so little. Japanese television had one clip of the motorcade and repeated it over and over again. That was all we saw. There was a heavy cloud of uncertainty and lots of speculation about what happened, who did it, and what the future held for our country.
We returned to the States the following summer and learned how much news had been shown on television here. We missed it all. There was a big gap in our experience of what had happened by having just that one page to read. We had been isolated by living nearly half a globe away with the limited information of early technology. We learned most of America had been gathered around their TV sets for a week and that Americans joined together and mourned their loss as an entire country. No one had any credible answers then and sadly we still don't today, 45 years later.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Forever Friends
I met with a close friend to celebrate her birthday last night. We have been friends for a long time and met in art school. We call ourselves "forever friends." I don't know of a more genuine, loyal and dedicated person. She has decided to retire at the end of this school year. This decision came about after she was in a terrible car accident not long ago. She had a very close call. My friend lost control of her car after leaving her doctors office at about 10:30 in the morning. Tired and overworked she was returning home after being diagnosed with strep throat. It had been raining that morning and she was driving on a slick frontage road. Her car spun around and she flipped upside down in a ravine. When help arrived, she had to be pried out of her car while fully conscious with her neck and spine pressed against the roof of her car. She was in shock but still very much aware of how serious the accident was. She's lucky to be here and is still dealing with multiple injuries and fractures months later. She's going to be OK and is full of gratitude.
The accident was a big wake up call to her about how she's been living her life. She has given tirelessly, working long hours for many years as the principal of a school of 500 plus students. She is a dedicated and giving person, truly one of an kind. I know she has touched the lives of so many students in a positive way. We are all better people for having known her.
My friend had thought about retiring and after this accident she definitely made up her mind. Now she's ready to take some time for herself. She told me "...life is too short." She knows what a pivotal moment the accident was. Her life, and what is important, flashed before her eyes in seconds. She plans to spend more time with her family, friends and travel with her husband. She deserves to heal, have some fun and get some much needed rest. We often push and push ourselves on life's treadmill, and never stop to realize how fast our life is moving. I'm proud of her for making the decision to step off of the fast track and give to herself, and I'm thankful she's here.
The accident was a big wake up call to her about how she's been living her life. She has given tirelessly, working long hours for many years as the principal of a school of 500 plus students. She is a dedicated and giving person, truly one of an kind. I know she has touched the lives of so many students in a positive way. We are all better people for having known her.
My friend had thought about retiring and after this accident she definitely made up her mind. Now she's ready to take some time for herself. She told me "...life is too short." She knows what a pivotal moment the accident was. Her life, and what is important, flashed before her eyes in seconds. She plans to spend more time with her family, friends and travel with her husband. She deserves to heal, have some fun and get some much needed rest. We often push and push ourselves on life's treadmill, and never stop to realize how fast our life is moving. I'm proud of her for making the decision to step off of the fast track and give to herself, and I'm thankful she's here.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Balance and Perspective
I just had a great conversation with a good friend who is dating a new man. She has seen him 5 out of the 5 days she has known him. I thought Uh Oh...She told me she is dog tired. A couple of times she wanted to say no when he asked her out, but didn't. Uh Oh...It's great to be in a new relationship with all of the Big Love Buzz and excitement going on. Caught up in the "is he the one?" And...enjoying the finding out.
We talked about Balance and Perspective being of the utmost importance here. I didn't want to throw a wet blanket on her fun or rain on her parade. She knows these things. I thought I did, too. I was wrong. My feet were totally off the ground and my brain took a vacation. I learned the very hard way.
I married the Dead Ex Husband just a few months after we met. I didn't have good boundaries at all! He put the big rush on me and I loved it, fully in the whirlwind spin. I was all caught up in the fun and lost my Balance and Perspective totally and completely. I didn't know the meaning of HOLD YOUR SPACE. I needed to take the time to get to know who he really was without the glow and the newness of the courting and dating. If I am really being honest with myself, I liked the attention. I got off on how into me he was. I now realize I lost my perspective because he was so crazy about me. (Crazy being the truth) Balance was gone because I stopped seeing my family and girlfriends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with him. Big mistake. Your family and girlfriends will tell you the truth about what they see happening. They will also be there for you if it all falls apart. The most important thing is they love you. They are no flash in the pan. They have history with you and will remain a part of your life.
I know I am being protective of her. I see it all from the lens of my experience and I want only the very best for her. Balance and Perspective; something I didn't have.
We talked about Balance and Perspective being of the utmost importance here. I didn't want to throw a wet blanket on her fun or rain on her parade. She knows these things. I thought I did, too. I was wrong. My feet were totally off the ground and my brain took a vacation. I learned the very hard way.
I married the Dead Ex Husband just a few months after we met. I didn't have good boundaries at all! He put the big rush on me and I loved it, fully in the whirlwind spin. I was all caught up in the fun and lost my Balance and Perspective totally and completely. I didn't know the meaning of HOLD YOUR SPACE. I needed to take the time to get to know who he really was without the glow and the newness of the courting and dating. If I am really being honest with myself, I liked the attention. I got off on how into me he was. I now realize I lost my perspective because he was so crazy about me. (Crazy being the truth) Balance was gone because I stopped seeing my family and girlfriends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with him. Big mistake. Your family and girlfriends will tell you the truth about what they see happening. They will also be there for you if it all falls apart. The most important thing is they love you. They are no flash in the pan. They have history with you and will remain a part of your life.
I know I am being protective of her. I see it all from the lens of my experience and I want only the very best for her. Balance and Perspective; something I didn't have.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Keep Your Head In The Game
Yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. We talked and caught up on what has been going on in each of our lives. She just broke up with a man she had been dating steadily for the last four months. She said she really cared about him.
They had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company and had good chemistry. "What happened?" I asked. She said he had become clingy and he wasn't very motivated. He just didn't want to take the lead. She said she missed him and that he was a good person. She decided, although it wasn't easy, to move forward with her life without him. She didn't want to waste her time or his.
As we talked, I listened to what she had to say. Some of her girlfriends didn't understand how easy it appeared for her to move on. I wasn't sure if maybe she just wasn't that into him. She told me how she explained it to them, "You just have to keep your head in the game." She went on to say, "Instead of getting all caught up in feelings, and thinking about how wonderful he is, you keep your head on straight. Think about what is best for you, and what you really want." It made sense to me and seemed practical. I'll have to check back with her in a week or two and see how she's doing.
They had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company and had good chemistry. "What happened?" I asked. She said he had become clingy and he wasn't very motivated. He just didn't want to take the lead. She said she missed him and that he was a good person. She decided, although it wasn't easy, to move forward with her life without him. She didn't want to waste her time or his.
As we talked, I listened to what she had to say. Some of her girlfriends didn't understand how easy it appeared for her to move on. I wasn't sure if maybe she just wasn't that into him. She told me how she explained it to them, "You just have to keep your head in the game." She went on to say, "Instead of getting all caught up in feelings, and thinking about how wonderful he is, you keep your head on straight. Think about what is best for you, and what you really want." It made sense to me and seemed practical. I'll have to check back with her in a week or two and see how she's doing.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Above The Water Line
Ever felt like you have been living life under water? Life so stressful it's hard to breathe and difficult to see things clearly? For a period of time I felt like I was holding my breath in murky waters.
I know stress can take its toll. The most important things in life are health and sanity. We can't have one without the other. I'm learning to HOLD my SPACE in the place of Health. To make it my priority. I'm doing the things I know are good for me. Nothing else really matters. Eat healthy foods and rest. Chill. Take a walk. Be grateful.
We all have great answers to the important questions. I don't always listen to myself or take my own good advice. I know that I made it to live Above the Water Line. Sometimes I bob back under and it's pretty uncomfortable staying there for long. It's much better floating Above the Water Line where I can breathe and life comes into focus.
I know stress can take its toll. The most important things in life are health and sanity. We can't have one without the other. I'm learning to HOLD my SPACE in the place of Health. To make it my priority. I'm doing the things I know are good for me. Nothing else really matters. Eat healthy foods and rest. Chill. Take a walk. Be grateful.
We all have great answers to the important questions. I don't always listen to myself or take my own good advice. I know that I made it to live Above the Water Line. Sometimes I bob back under and it's pretty uncomfortable staying there for long. It's much better floating Above the Water Line where I can breathe and life comes into focus.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Trial By Fire
He had money, family connections and law firms to insulate him. Money and privilege can provide a life above the law if you are so inclined. Good attorneys can spin whatever story you want if you can afford to pay for it. The jury ruled 11 to 1 that he did not intend to hurt me. After all, the attorneys said he was a "special needs" person. He had health problems, gout in his ankle. At least I was free. One juror approached me after the trial. I am so thankful she did. One person believed me out of the 12. She saw through the lies. It didn't matter much, I had made it through and I was free. A crash course in Learning to HOLD MY SPACE.
He had found me through the post office. He told them we hadn't been getting our mail and asked them what address they had on record. They gave him my address. It was a very frightful time. I remember my heart pounding through my chest as I would make my plan to get away. I was afraid he would kill me, and he could have. He told me over and over again how much he loved me. He was used to getting his way with all of his money. He stalked me, ran me off the road, and kept me against my will. He weighed over 300 lbs and had played football in college. I learned after I married him, he had a meth addiction. My daughter told me I was like princess Leia with Jabba the Hut. A friend said I needed an elephant gun to stop him. I was living life on the ropes and on the run.
He broke down my door at 3:00 am taking away the simple comfort of ever sleeping soundly again. They had his picture on the wall of the security office where I was later employed. It was a nightmare, I couldn't believe this had become my life. I thought there was no way out.
The off duty police who provided security for his wealthy mother and her home, (among other things, she owned a million dollar diamond ring) were the same force I later called when he assaulted me in my condo. That scared me too. Would they help me? The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move to a place with 24 hour security and cameras." He said, "...this guy can get in where most people can't." I had just moved. Not long after, I left for Canada for several months, then I hid out at my parents home. I found a place with tight 24 hour security and cameras. My daughter said it was like coming to a "lock up" to visit. She added "...you live like you are in prison." I could finally sleep.
I lost friends who were afraid for their own safety. They didn't want me to wind up like Nicole. I isolated. I didn't want harm to come to anyone who might be with me. He threatened I would never see one of my friends again, and yet she stood by me and testified at the trial.
I can write about this now with little fear. He is dead and can't hurt me again. I never prayed that any harm would come to him. I prayed that I could be free to live a life away from him and my prayers were answered.
He had found me through the post office. He told them we hadn't been getting our mail and asked them what address they had on record. They gave him my address. It was a very frightful time. I remember my heart pounding through my chest as I would make my plan to get away. I was afraid he would kill me, and he could have. He told me over and over again how much he loved me. He was used to getting his way with all of his money. He stalked me, ran me off the road, and kept me against my will. He weighed over 300 lbs and had played football in college. I learned after I married him, he had a meth addiction. My daughter told me I was like princess Leia with Jabba the Hut. A friend said I needed an elephant gun to stop him. I was living life on the ropes and on the run.
He broke down my door at 3:00 am taking away the simple comfort of ever sleeping soundly again. They had his picture on the wall of the security office where I was later employed. It was a nightmare, I couldn't believe this had become my life. I thought there was no way out.
The off duty police who provided security for his wealthy mother and her home, (among other things, she owned a million dollar diamond ring) were the same force I later called when he assaulted me in my condo. That scared me too. Would they help me? The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move to a place with 24 hour security and cameras." He said, "...this guy can get in where most people can't." I had just moved. Not long after, I left for Canada for several months, then I hid out at my parents home. I found a place with tight 24 hour security and cameras. My daughter said it was like coming to a "lock up" to visit. She added "...you live like you are in prison." I could finally sleep.
I lost friends who were afraid for their own safety. They didn't want me to wind up like Nicole. I isolated. I didn't want harm to come to anyone who might be with me. He threatened I would never see one of my friends again, and yet she stood by me and testified at the trial.
I can write about this now with little fear. He is dead and can't hurt me again. I never prayed that any harm would come to him. I prayed that I could be free to live a life away from him and my prayers were answered.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Mistakes Make You
When I was young I did my best not to make a mistake. My parents wanted me to make straight A's in Catholic schools. I always stood when called upon and I knew better than to ever misbehave. I was studious, quiet and hovered just under the radar to survive the strict and often punitive environment. I tried hard for years to win the penmanship award and never came close.
I was surprised when I won the combined citizenship and scholarship award my first quarter at the Catholic school in Southern California. We had recently moved there from cold Ohio. The nuns awarded me the special pin to wear proudly for the entire next quarter. It was to be passed on to the next winning recipient the following quarter. The pin was gold with delicate colored enameling and engraving. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I had been given. My special jewelry gifts to date were a small gold cross from my parents and a holy medal from my grandmother on my first Communion day.
I lost the pin shortly after the first week it had been presented to me. As the weeks went by, I couldn't even remember what it looked like. I just knew I had to win it again the next quarter so I wouldn't get into trouble for losing it. It was a pressure packed year for me as a sixth grader. If one consistently won the award, they were allowed to keep the pin at the end of the year. It was the first time I had ever kept such a secret. I lost the pin and I was afraid to admit it. I didn't want to be punished or be perceived as irresponsible by my parents, classmates or by the nuns. How had such a good thing gone so bad?
I created so much stress for myself by pretending and keeping that secret. All I focused on was studying hard to continue to earn the pin I had lost. I know today the truth is much simpler, if not easier, to deal with. Today, whenever I make a mistake, I do my best to move on. For the most part, we are better for having made mistakes. What we learn from them becomes a wiser part of who we are.
I was surprised when I won the combined citizenship and scholarship award my first quarter at the Catholic school in Southern California. We had recently moved there from cold Ohio. The nuns awarded me the special pin to wear proudly for the entire next quarter. It was to be passed on to the next winning recipient the following quarter. The pin was gold with delicate colored enameling and engraving. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I had been given. My special jewelry gifts to date were a small gold cross from my parents and a holy medal from my grandmother on my first Communion day.
I lost the pin shortly after the first week it had been presented to me. As the weeks went by, I couldn't even remember what it looked like. I just knew I had to win it again the next quarter so I wouldn't get into trouble for losing it. It was a pressure packed year for me as a sixth grader. If one consistently won the award, they were allowed to keep the pin at the end of the year. It was the first time I had ever kept such a secret. I lost the pin and I was afraid to admit it. I didn't want to be punished or be perceived as irresponsible by my parents, classmates or by the nuns. How had such a good thing gone so bad?
I created so much stress for myself by pretending and keeping that secret. All I focused on was studying hard to continue to earn the pin I had lost. I know today the truth is much simpler, if not easier, to deal with. Today, whenever I make a mistake, I do my best to move on. For the most part, we are better for having made mistakes. What we learn from them becomes a wiser part of who we are.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Force of Habit
Resist the force of habit to think in the same old way. Repeated thought patterns become habits and the habits of thoughts become our lives. Change is not easy! Yet we do have a choice, whether we want to be on autopilot or not. It's like centrifugal force and keeps us going in the same old forcefield. Or is it more like a record, going round and round with the needle of our life in the same groove?
We can lay down a new track, and change our lives for the better. Thoughts are things and thoughts have wings. It takes time, commitment and vigilance. I HOLD MY SPACE in the place of change.
We can lay down a new track, and change our lives for the better. Thoughts are things and thoughts have wings. It takes time, commitment and vigilance. I HOLD MY SPACE in the place of change.
Vibe Up!
Vibing up is focusing on what you want in your life and Holding Your Space there. I think of it as a scale I can go up or down. Somewhere in the middle is the bridge I can cross and choose to go either way. Happy or sad? Prosperity or Poverty? Hope or Doubt? It is my choice.
Our mind is a powerful tool. Whatever we focus on multiplies and expands. We can choose to use it for our good by attuning to the higher energies or we can have a pity party. Sometimes its easy to languish in the morass of doom and gloom. Like an old shoe, we can put it on and feel comfortably uncomfortable. I know it doesn't serve me or look good on me. So I do my best to give it up.
Choose to Vibe up, do it whether you feel like it or not. Think about what it is you truly want and meditate upon it. Get clear about it. What makes you feel fulfilled? What kind of person do you want to become? What do you want more of in your life? What are your dreams? Feel it is already present in your life. Make it the reality with each thought that you have. Think forward.
Our mind is a powerful tool. Whatever we focus on multiplies and expands. We can choose to use it for our good by attuning to the higher energies or we can have a pity party. Sometimes its easy to languish in the morass of doom and gloom. Like an old shoe, we can put it on and feel comfortably uncomfortable. I know it doesn't serve me or look good on me. So I do my best to give it up.
Choose to Vibe up, do it whether you feel like it or not. Think about what it is you truly want and meditate upon it. Get clear about it. What makes you feel fulfilled? What kind of person do you want to become? What do you want more of in your life? What are your dreams? Feel it is already present in your life. Make it the reality with each thought that you have. Think forward.
What You Believe You Can Achieve.
Vibe Up and HOLD YOUR SPACE there.
Vibe Up and HOLD YOUR SPACE there.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Secret Agent Man
My daughter married a Special Federal Agent with the State Department. They had a beautiful and lavish wedding attended by many friends and family. He was in the Diplomatic Security Service and he kept lots of Secrets.
When she married him he was assigned to Secretary of State Colin Powell. She didn't always know where he was going or what he was doing. She understood that was part of the deal. There would be Secrets. He traveled around on Air Force One when Secretary Powell was with the President. He also went to middle eastern countries, she didn't know exactly which ones or for how long. He carried a gun, wore cool sunglasses and had a kevlar vest he left in the trunk of the car most of the time. It was dangerous and she worried about that.
They lived in Fairfax,Virginia in close proximity to D.C. She learned to cook perfect dinners and, after much labor, had the perfect home and garden. It seemed like the perfect life. She had Teas at The White House and Presidential Balls to attend. It was interesting, exciting and life was never ever dull.
My daughter had been pumping gas near the Pentagon the day of 9/11. I worried about her safety as soon as I heard the horrible news. I couldn't get through to her that day, all day. I was relieved that evening when she called. She said it was traumatic living and working in D.C. during the days and weeks after the attack. There were tanks and armed military all over the city. She felt like she was living in a police state and yet there was a comfort with their presence on every corner.
We knew her phone was being monitored/tapped especially after 9/11. Her husband was in such close proximity to the The President and Secretary Powell. We mostly talked about clothes, purses and shoes, hair and makeup. There was the occasional "Mom!" when I would say a word or ask a question without realizing it was inappropriate for the wife of a Special Federal Agent.
One Christmas, I helped her with one of her parties and met many of the Agents. They were a different breed. Trained killers actually, if you think about it. I was looking forward to meeting the six foot "gun toting" Barbie, but she had been assigned elsewhere that evening. Although cordial, the Agents were pretty much a closed group without many of the social skills we regular people have. Their minds were on other things.
After that Christmas, her husband was assigned a foreign post with a planned move to Spain. He was to be in charge of security for the US Embassy in Madrid. My daughter attended foreign language classes, special driving classes and classes on intelligence, spies and terrorism. Once in Spain, she attended dinners with the ambassador and balls at other embassies. It seemed like the perfect life.
Their first Christmas in Madrid, he gave her a plane ticket to fly home. She had been homesick and thought it was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. She had a diplomatic passport and traveling back and forth across the Atlantic was easy for her and her pet cat Isabel even in the months after 9/11.
Once home, he encouraged her to stay in the U.S. and not long after, he wanted a divorce. What went wrong? She had tried so hard to be the perfect wife. She didn't understand what had happened. What else could she do? She had already given up her life in the states, her job, family and friends to go with him. She loved him and he was her husband. What happened? She was heartsick. She had her head under the covers for what seemed like six months.
It was after the divorce my daughter learned the truth. He had been having an affair for a long time. It began after he had given her an engagement ring. Why? The "other woman" she learned, was married. We speculated it was a good career move for him to have a wife, so he went ahead and married my daughter. They must have decided to each get divorces in order to be together. My daughter was told by another agents' wife he married the "other woman" only a week after their divorce was final. She was devastated, then angry. It took her a long time to recover. Over time, she began to understand how the marriage was doomed from the start. He was a well oiled machine and expertly trained at what he did, keeping Secrets.
When she married him he was assigned to Secretary of State Colin Powell. She didn't always know where he was going or what he was doing. She understood that was part of the deal. There would be Secrets. He traveled around on Air Force One when Secretary Powell was with the President. He also went to middle eastern countries, she didn't know exactly which ones or for how long. He carried a gun, wore cool sunglasses and had a kevlar vest he left in the trunk of the car most of the time. It was dangerous and she worried about that.
They lived in Fairfax,Virginia in close proximity to D.C. She learned to cook perfect dinners and, after much labor, had the perfect home and garden. It seemed like the perfect life. She had Teas at The White House and Presidential Balls to attend. It was interesting, exciting and life was never ever dull.
My daughter had been pumping gas near the Pentagon the day of 9/11. I worried about her safety as soon as I heard the horrible news. I couldn't get through to her that day, all day. I was relieved that evening when she called. She said it was traumatic living and working in D.C. during the days and weeks after the attack. There were tanks and armed military all over the city. She felt like she was living in a police state and yet there was a comfort with their presence on every corner.
We knew her phone was being monitored/tapped especially after 9/11. Her husband was in such close proximity to the The President and Secretary Powell. We mostly talked about clothes, purses and shoes, hair and makeup. There was the occasional "Mom!" when I would say a word or ask a question without realizing it was inappropriate for the wife of a Special Federal Agent.
One Christmas, I helped her with one of her parties and met many of the Agents. They were a different breed. Trained killers actually, if you think about it. I was looking forward to meeting the six foot "gun toting" Barbie, but she had been assigned elsewhere that evening. Although cordial, the Agents were pretty much a closed group without many of the social skills we regular people have. Their minds were on other things.
After that Christmas, her husband was assigned a foreign post with a planned move to Spain. He was to be in charge of security for the US Embassy in Madrid. My daughter attended foreign language classes, special driving classes and classes on intelligence, spies and terrorism. Once in Spain, she attended dinners with the ambassador and balls at other embassies. It seemed like the perfect life.
Their first Christmas in Madrid, he gave her a plane ticket to fly home. She had been homesick and thought it was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. She had a diplomatic passport and traveling back and forth across the Atlantic was easy for her and her pet cat Isabel even in the months after 9/11.
Once home, he encouraged her to stay in the U.S. and not long after, he wanted a divorce. What went wrong? She had tried so hard to be the perfect wife. She didn't understand what had happened. What else could she do? She had already given up her life in the states, her job, family and friends to go with him. She loved him and he was her husband. What happened? She was heartsick. She had her head under the covers for what seemed like six months.
It was after the divorce my daughter learned the truth. He had been having an affair for a long time. It began after he had given her an engagement ring. Why? The "other woman" she learned, was married. We speculated it was a good career move for him to have a wife, so he went ahead and married my daughter. They must have decided to each get divorces in order to be together. My daughter was told by another agents' wife he married the "other woman" only a week after their divorce was final. She was devastated, then angry. It took her a long time to recover. Over time, she began to understand how the marriage was doomed from the start. He was a well oiled machine and expertly trained at what he did, keeping Secrets.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Riding the Bluebird
My brother was sent to prison for two years and two months. It was an eternity for him and for those of us who love him. He is my only brother and he is the youngest of four. He has made some bad choices and big mistakes. He has had to learn the hard way.
My brother was nearly at the end of a five year probation (for drugs) when he was stopped by police for a burned out tail light. He was moving his things from a lakehouse he had leased in one state and bringing them home, to the state we live in. Once stopped, the Highway Patrol discovered he had a record and searched his packed suburban. Among the things he was moving, was a gun. He wasn't supposed to have one. There he was, crossing state lines with a weapon and somewhere packed in all of his stuff was an old pipe he had used for drugs. It was a very sad day when they took him away and locked him up.
After he completed his sentence, we spent time together and he told me lots of stories. Stories from the inside he didn't tell me when I would visit him.
During his two year and two month sentence, he was moved from prison to prison all over the state. He told me the move was called "Riding the Bluebird." I asked him "Why?" He said because the bus had an insignia on the side with a small bird and it read BLUEBIRD. He also told me it was the same insignia on the side of the old school buses we rode when we were kids. I had never noticed. Inmates (an odd word) are moved in the middle of the night from one prison to another. It makes sense now. Have you ever seen an old white school bus full of prisoners with guards carrying guns? Me neither.
The prisoners were never told where they were going or how long the ride would be. My brother said they were shackled together at their ankles and wrists for the transport. One night, very late, while traveling to who knew where, the bus broke down. They were ordered off the bus. I think he said a tire had blown and while one guard changed the tire, the other held a shotgun aimed at them. He said it was one of the most frightening times he had ever experienced. They stood together, in the heat of the dusty night, in the middle of nowhere. The guard who held the gun on them said, "...if one of you moves, I'm shooting you all." My brother knew it could happen. He said not too many questions would be asked about 5 prisoners shot in the middle of the night on the side of a dark county road. He had a crash course in how to Hold his Space.
I'm glad he's home.
My brother was nearly at the end of a five year probation (for drugs) when he was stopped by police for a burned out tail light. He was moving his things from a lakehouse he had leased in one state and bringing them home, to the state we live in. Once stopped, the Highway Patrol discovered he had a record and searched his packed suburban. Among the things he was moving, was a gun. He wasn't supposed to have one. There he was, crossing state lines with a weapon and somewhere packed in all of his stuff was an old pipe he had used for drugs. It was a very sad day when they took him away and locked him up.
After he completed his sentence, we spent time together and he told me lots of stories. Stories from the inside he didn't tell me when I would visit him.
During his two year and two month sentence, he was moved from prison to prison all over the state. He told me the move was called "Riding the Bluebird." I asked him "Why?" He said because the bus had an insignia on the side with a small bird and it read BLUEBIRD. He also told me it was the same insignia on the side of the old school buses we rode when we were kids. I had never noticed. Inmates (an odd word) are moved in the middle of the night from one prison to another. It makes sense now. Have you ever seen an old white school bus full of prisoners with guards carrying guns? Me neither.
The prisoners were never told where they were going or how long the ride would be. My brother said they were shackled together at their ankles and wrists for the transport. One night, very late, while traveling to who knew where, the bus broke down. They were ordered off the bus. I think he said a tire had blown and while one guard changed the tire, the other held a shotgun aimed at them. He said it was one of the most frightening times he had ever experienced. They stood together, in the heat of the dusty night, in the middle of nowhere. The guard who held the gun on them said, "...if one of you moves, I'm shooting you all." My brother knew it could happen. He said not too many questions would be asked about 5 prisoners shot in the middle of the night on the side of a dark county road. He had a crash course in how to Hold his Space.
I'm glad he's home.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Like a Bird Set Free
I will never forget this day, I don't remember what day it was, only what happened. I was having a hectic "hair on fire" day at work, when my former mother in law called. She is my children's grandmother. We have remained close although her son and I divorced long ago. She asked "Have you read the paper?" Odd question, I thought. "No, I have been busy at work, I've hardly stopped to catch my breath". "Why?"I asked. She said, "Go and read the Obituaries. Blank Blank is dead." (the abusive man I had divorced 2 months prior) " WHAT???" I said. I don't even remember saying goodbye to her or hanging up the phone. I hurried down the hall with my head in a dizzy spin, looking for the days newspaper. I found a paper and quickly turned to the Obits. There it was in black and white, the newsprint of daily life for all the world to see. He was dead. I had no idea why.
I immediately went to my computer and began to look online. I discovered the cause of death. He had failed to negotiate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. There were people with him who tried to revive him at the scene. He died on impact of trauma and massive head injuries. The article said several deaths had occurred in the same area that winter. They speculated excessive speed was involved. There it was. My life had changed. He could never hurt me or come after me again. My sense of relief was overwhelming, Like a Bird Set Free. I would never to have to look over my shoulder again.
I immediately went to my computer and began to look online. I discovered the cause of death. He had failed to negotiate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. There were people with him who tried to revive him at the scene. He died on impact of trauma and massive head injuries. The article said several deaths had occurred in the same area that winter. They speculated excessive speed was involved. There it was. My life had changed. He could never hurt me or come after me again. My sense of relief was overwhelming, Like a Bird Set Free. I would never to have to look over my shoulder again.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Change Your Mind and Change your LIfe
Whenever I have something special to attend I think, "What am I going to wear?" If I don't have something in my closet, I plan to go shopping. I'll head out to find just the right something to wear. We all like to feel we look good. The current magazines have plenty of great styles to see as well as who is wearing the latest and greatest fashion.
I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good and looking good come from the inside out, not the outside in. We can put on just about anything (well almost) in our closets when we feel good about ourselves and our confidence shows. On the other hand, when we are down on ourselves we don't look or feel good in just about anything! Right? Ever been through 10 or so changes? You know what I mean. No great outfit totally works. It might help us to keep up appearances and prop ourselves up. We can put on the mask but we know what's really going on. Makeup doesn't cover up the truth of how we really feel about us.
Change your Mind and Change your Life. If it is losing weight, in a healthy way, then start. If it is telling someone what you really think (with a little filter) then do so. Stop smoking? I know we all can do whatever we make up our mind to do. For me, I just have to want the change badly enough to have the self discipline to start...I'm laying down a new track. I HOLD my SPACE in the place of change.
I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good and looking good come from the inside out, not the outside in. We can put on just about anything (well almost) in our closets when we feel good about ourselves and our confidence shows. On the other hand, when we are down on ourselves we don't look or feel good in just about anything! Right? Ever been through 10 or so changes? You know what I mean. No great outfit totally works. It might help us to keep up appearances and prop ourselves up. We can put on the mask but we know what's really going on. Makeup doesn't cover up the truth of how we really feel about us.
Change your Mind and Change your Life. If it is losing weight, in a healthy way, then start. If it is telling someone what you really think (with a little filter) then do so. Stop smoking? I know we all can do whatever we make up our mind to do. For me, I just have to want the change badly enough to have the self discipline to start...I'm laying down a new track. I HOLD my SPACE in the place of change.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Addicted To Love
Are you a Love Addict? Someone who is in a relationship and (you think) the relationship is all there is to life? Is it the center of your world? Daydreaming about him/her is one of your favorite pastimes? You think you can't live without him/her? He/she is your purpose for living? Obsessive thoughts? I have been there.
Is it difficult to focus on what you need to do? Especially when there is a problem in the relationship? Where is he? What is he doing and when will he call? You think you can't exist without some kind of contact? Is he being faithful? Has he met someone else? Are you feeling shaky during these times? Do you feel lightheaded, dizzy, intense and irritable? Yes, this is Love Addiction.
Have you gone from one relationship to another? Gone from person to person and quickly attached and been "In Love?" Have you obsessed about him/her andwhen you will see him/her again? You want to call, and you may have called/emailed/textd/ many times already and to no avail. Feel vulnerable and afraid with your self esteem at an all time low? You feel completely insecure and driven. (and you may have even driven by his place)
Sound like you? A Love Addict? You probably are...you have just lost your perspective. Begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE There IS another way. Get your feet back on the ground, get centered and GET A GRIP! You are not in love with him. ( Yes, it's true, this is not love) He is the Drug of your Love Addiction. He probably is not available to you, which is a BIG part of what keeps you hooked.
Is it difficult to focus on what you need to do? Especially when there is a problem in the relationship? Where is he? What is he doing and when will he call? You think you can't exist without some kind of contact? Is he being faithful? Has he met someone else? Are you feeling shaky during these times? Do you feel lightheaded, dizzy, intense and irritable? Yes, this is Love Addiction.
Have you gone from one relationship to another? Gone from person to person and quickly attached and been "In Love?" Have you obsessed about him/her andwhen you will see him/her again? You want to call, and you may have called/emailed/textd/ many times already and to no avail. Feel vulnerable and afraid with your self esteem at an all time low? You feel completely insecure and driven. (and you may have even driven by his place)
Sound like you? A Love Addict? You probably are...you have just lost your perspective. Begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE There IS another way. Get your feet back on the ground, get centered and GET A GRIP! You are not in love with him. ( Yes, it's true, this is not love) He is the Drug of your Love Addiction. He probably is not available to you, which is a BIG part of what keeps you hooked.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Home on the Range to Haute
My dear friend is beautiful, full of life and has exquisite taste. Her sense of style is inherent, something that can't be taught or bought. She is the only one who doesn't fully realize her unique presence and value. She grew up in a small town (on a big ranch) in west Texas, you see, she is "The Pride of Shamrock". She has traveled the world and is successful in her business. Her place of business in the Big City opened just a few long years ago. She has been focused, dedicated and worked tirelessly to build it from next to nothing. She created it on sheer willpower, lots of elbow grease and her effervescent personality. She is great fun to be with, has a huge smile and is beyond generous.
Her business continues to grow and prosper. She has been interviewed, photographed and has had articles written about her detailing her success. She is living the true American Dream. What is missing is a good man to love her and share her life. She has a yearning to meet that special person and be married one day. She has a great big heart and gives unselfishly, time after time. Her Achilles heel is, she doesn't KNOW... SHE is THE PRIZE. Let the right man come and find you...and when he does..HOLD YOUR SPACE
He is the lucky one!
Her business continues to grow and prosper. She has been interviewed, photographed and has had articles written about her detailing her success. She is living the true American Dream. What is missing is a good man to love her and share her life. She has a yearning to meet that special person and be married one day. She has a great big heart and gives unselfishly, time after time. Her Achilles heel is, she doesn't KNOW... SHE is THE PRIZE. Let the right man come and find you...and when he does..HOLD YOUR SPACE
He is the lucky one!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Better Left Unsaid
All the times you want to say something and yet you know in your heart of hearts it's best not to?
Zip it! Better left unsaid! Time to edit mentally. HOLD YOUR SPACE and let the right words come to you (or not) before speaking. Do No Harm. Unasked for advice can equal control. We only want the very best for our friends, family, husband, lover. It is their path and their lesson to learn. Support and care mean so much in times of strife. Listening and Holding the Space for healing can be our greatest gift.
Zip it! Better left unsaid! Time to edit mentally. HOLD YOUR SPACE and let the right words come to you (or not) before speaking. Do No Harm. Unasked for advice can equal control. We only want the very best for our friends, family, husband, lover. It is their path and their lesson to learn. Support and care mean so much in times of strife. Listening and Holding the Space for healing can be our greatest gift.
Code Word: Geranium
I married the Dead Ex Husband in December of one year. My son and I escaped in the middle of the night the following July.
We lived a fairy tale life for the first few months. He and his family were the Noahs' Arc of Wealth. They had at least two of everything. Two boxes at Cowboy stadium, a big one for business and a smaller one for family and friends. Lear jets and golf tournaments. Racehorses and boxes in which to watch them run. A big box at the Speedway, the only privately owned box there. One BIG Yacht and various other boats, one to sail, one to race and one to fish. A ranch, huge winter/summer homes on a private lakes, it goes on and on....you get the picture.
I detail the situation to describe how difficult it was not only to leave but to get away. I loved him when I married him, that changed over a short time and after he hurt me. I was shell shocked. I called my mother to talk with her, he was so possessive, he ripped the phone out of the wall. He wanted me to spend all of my time with him and to talk only to him. He raged. He grabbed my cell phone from me, threw it against the tile floor and smathered it into smithereeeens. the problem was he thought he owned me and I wasn't for sale. I had a backup plan, and help on the outside. Code word: Geranium. My sweet mother and I had a plan for my escape.
We lived a fairy tale life for the first few months. He and his family were the Noahs' Arc of Wealth. They had at least two of everything. Two boxes at Cowboy stadium, a big one for business and a smaller one for family and friends. Lear jets and golf tournaments. Racehorses and boxes in which to watch them run. A big box at the Speedway, the only privately owned box there. One BIG Yacht and various other boats, one to sail, one to race and one to fish. A ranch, huge winter/summer homes on a private lakes, it goes on and on....you get the picture.
I detail the situation to describe how difficult it was not only to leave but to get away. I loved him when I married him, that changed over a short time and after he hurt me. I was shell shocked. I called my mother to talk with her, he was so possessive, he ripped the phone out of the wall. He wanted me to spend all of my time with him and to talk only to him. He raged. He grabbed my cell phone from me, threw it against the tile floor and smathered it into smithereeeens. the problem was he thought he owned me and I wasn't for sale. I had a backup plan, and help on the outside. Code word: Geranium. My sweet mother and I had a plan for my escape.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Talking Smack
Have you been talking smack? I know I have...sometimes it is venting, disgruntled ramblings and sometimes it is just ol' fashioned gossip girls. You know, talking behind someones' back. I don't feel better about it, actually just worse about me. It can be falling into the habit of just being negative. A change is needed, a mental washing my mouth out with the soap of a better attitude. A filter from brain to mouth censoring out the negative. I remind myself to Practice the Golden Rule and look for the the good in people. Release the old way of just joining in and Talking Smack. HOLD YOUR SPACE It's time to lay down a new track and take the higher road.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Danger Will Robinson
Sometimes we stay in relationships even when we know we should leave. We have hoped beyond hope it could work. Deep in our heart of hearts we know better. When we have to plan to get out, an escape plan, we have probably stayed too long. It's OK. Don't worry about your stuff. You can always get more. Stuff is replaceable, you are not. Your safety is the biggest concern. We become immune to the level of stress and danger we are living in. We become numb to it. It's a little bit different than denial. You think you can handle it. You have already been dealing with it. Just remember there is always an "X" factor, the unknown. It could be you we read about in the paper. Trust that the doors will open up for you and you will make it. Listen to the part of you that knows you deserve better. You don't have to live this way. It will all work out, just take the first step out the door. Don't look back, and no matter what he says, don't ever go back.
Monday, September 29, 2008
The Razors Edge
The Razors Edge, living in both worlds, the spiritual world and the material world simultaneously. To be in this world but not of it. To be able to exist in both planes at the same time, walking and living on The Razors Edge. The finest line there is. It can be the most difficult. It takes practice just like walking a tightrope. We get better at it if we choose to, and it takes the practice of faith and letting go. Surrender. We meet people along the way to help us keep our balance. Often, God sends them to us. Sometimes we fall off, and for me, it's God that gives me a leg up and back on. There are plenty of wobbly times. Just like when you learned to ride a bike. You weren't sure how you were going keep from falling, and trusted that peddling would keep you moving forward. Eventually, it became easier and now you know you can do it.
You know when you are in the flow of life and it's all good, and no matter what happens, you trust and know you will get through. The Razors Edge, our spiritual path. HOLD YOUR SPACE.
You know when you are in the flow of life and it's all good, and no matter what happens, you trust and know you will get through. The Razors Edge, our spiritual path. HOLD YOUR SPACE.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Foxhole Faith
In the past I had a Foxhole Faith. Whenever I was in trouble, I would Pray, Pray and Pray. Pleaseeee help me God. After the crisis was averted, I would rest back on my laurels, happy to have made it through and forgetting to say "Thank you" to God.
Today I know better. I learned the hard way. My hard headedness has brought me to my knees. I would forget to take the time to pray every day and have gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Today, it is my spiritual life and connection to God that is my strength.
Anytime we are in a struggle, however tough it is, we may not see the path or the way through the dark scary forest. We will get to the other side. We can make it easier on ourselves or not. Prayer can shine a light on the path (what a relief) and help us through. We have a choice. We can "white knuckle" it ourselves or let go and ask for the Grace of God . Praying and letting go is the hardest thing I ever ever learned to do. Then it becomes the easiest.
HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of prayer.
Today I know better. I learned the hard way. My hard headedness has brought me to my knees. I would forget to take the time to pray every day and have gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Today, it is my spiritual life and connection to God that is my strength.
Anytime we are in a struggle, however tough it is, we may not see the path or the way through the dark scary forest. We will get to the other side. We can make it easier on ourselves or not. Prayer can shine a light on the path (what a relief) and help us through. We have a choice. We can "white knuckle" it ourselves or let go and ask for the Grace of God . Praying and letting go is the hardest thing I ever ever learned to do. Then it becomes the easiest.
HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of prayer.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
If They Tell You They're Dancing...
If they tell you they're dancing look at their feet. If a man (or anyone else) tells you he/she is "going to" do something, pay attention to the action he/she is taking to accomplish what it is he/she is telling you. Is it get a job, divorce, quit smoking or drinking, set a boundary, call you, take you out. make a commitment, get engaged, get married? and on and on...whatever it is, instead of getting your heart and hopes caught up in his words, pay attention to what action or inaction he is taking. Look at his feet. Sometimes words are just a smokescreen. Wrap your mind around the reality of the situation. He may have no intention of ever following through. As women, we pay more attention to what he says and less to what he does. He will pay more attention to what you do, and less to what you say. Save your breath and take some action for yourself.
Take good care of yourself , believe in your value and set some healthy boundaries. HOLD YOUR SPACE. You must pay attention to what the proof is, and like it or not, it's in the pudding.
Take good care of yourself , believe in your value and set some healthy boundaries. HOLD YOUR SPACE. You must pay attention to what the proof is, and like it or not, it's in the pudding.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Hug Your Demons
"Hug your Demons or they will bite you in the ass," a wise teacher once told me. Sometimes it takes us awhile to identify our Demons. We are often in denial and don't think they are Demons at all, but pleasures! What can take you down? What keeps you stuck and going in circles with no traction? What is IT that stands in your way of being the happy, fulfilled and successful person you are meant to be? Is it relationships? alcohol? drugs? smoking? eating? not eating? gambling? spending money? workaholism? low self esteem?. Whatever IT is...you can identify. IT has been a repeated pattern in your life. Your friends and family probably know what IT is. Take a risk and ask them. You might be surprised at what insight they have for you. We don't see ourselves as others do. It's the one Jaharis window square we can't see. Sometimes IT is called the shadow side. As painful as it may be, if we each hug our Demons, imagine how wonderful we would feel, what we could achieve and what a better place the planet would be!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Birds of a Feather
Birds of a Feather Flock Together. How many times have you heard this phrase? Many times? Possibly from a parent? My Mom and Dad both said this frequently to my sisters and to me. Somehow my brother escaped hearing this frequent statement. (Boys must be immune) I never liked hearing it. It was usually stated dryly when either parent didn't like the company we were keeping. Funny though, how they were often correct in their assessments. I spoke to a high school friend after our reunion and she told me some stories about herself that more than raised my eyebrows! My Dad never wanted me to "hang out" with her. I defended her over and over, pleading my case and calling him judgmental. Now I know why, and what his parental ESP must have been picking up. If you want to learn something about yourself, just take a good look at who your friends are. Who do you "flock" with? That tidbit of valuable information will speak volumes about you. We are known by the company we keep.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
We Teach People How to Treat Us
We teach people how to treat us. How we treat ourselves is like a public service announcement to the rest of world on how to treat us. We think we can keep "things" to ourselves. Get ready for this: There are no secrets. The expression "...your actions speak so loudly I can't hear what you are saying" is so true. Remember, if you can't say "no" your "yes" doesn't mean anything!"
HOLD YOUR SPACE
HOLD YOUR SPACE
Monday, September 22, 2008
Jumping Frog
I was told this story some time ago. I'm not sure of the exact words. It went something like this...
When you are in a relationship it is much like a frog in a pot of water. If the relationship becomes unhealthy the heat ever so slowly increases. Over time, the tepid water becomes warmer and warmer. The frog becomes accustomed to the slowly increasing temperature not realizing it is weakening him/her. As time passes, the water boils. The depleted frog cooks and dies. He or she never realized the danger because the increasing heat had became the norm.
The same frog put into a pot of hot water would quickly jump out. The intense heat of the situation would be obvious enough to send him/her on their way!
When you are in a relationship it is much like a frog in a pot of water. If the relationship becomes unhealthy the heat ever so slowly increases. Over time, the tepid water becomes warmer and warmer. The frog becomes accustomed to the slowly increasing temperature not realizing it is weakening him/her. As time passes, the water boils. The depleted frog cooks and dies. He or she never realized the danger because the increasing heat had became the norm.
The same frog put into a pot of hot water would quickly jump out. The intense heat of the situation would be obvious enough to send him/her on their way!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Victim of Love
She told her aunt she had met the "perfect man". He didn't drink or go to bars. He went to church and she loved him. She planned to marry him. Last Saturday he beat her to death. Through her tears, her aunt told me it was a brutal killing. After beating the life out of her, he strangled her and put her body in the bathtub. Blood was everywhere. She must have "fought him" she tells me. When she arrived at the scene, in shock, she asked the police, "Where is the ambulance?" The police told her there would be no ambulance. Her 12 year old son found her nieces' body six hours after her death. Her children were in the house. Her son heard his mother arguing with her boyfriend the night before and said he heard his mother scream. He cried for three days, traumatized and wishing he could have done something to save her. She also left behind two daughters, ages 15 and 10.
"She was a hard working woman, raising her three children on her own." Her aunt tells me crying, "She had her own small business painting houses and was paying her own mortgage." They had been supportive of each other, making their way in the world as single working women. Her aunt had not seen much of her niece recently. The "perfect man" of the last 9 months didn't want her to use the phone. He wanted her to move to Mexico with him. She refused and now she is dead.
"She was a hard working woman, raising her three children on her own." Her aunt tells me crying, "She had her own small business painting houses and was paying her own mortgage." They had been supportive of each other, making their way in the world as single working women. Her aunt had not seen much of her niece recently. The "perfect man" of the last 9 months didn't want her to use the phone. He wanted her to move to Mexico with him. She refused and now she is dead.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Observation Mode
Observation Mode is an excellent skill to utilize when entering a new relationship. You are gathering information about this person. What information are they giving you from the getgo? The facts are there. Imagine you have a video camera above the two of you documenting your initial conversations. Your time is extremely valuable and you deserve to be in relationship with a person who has values, honesty and integrity.
Pay attention to the signs and ask the pertinent questions. Take your time, HOLD YOUR SPACE. Has he cheated on his last girlfriend? Still emotionally tied to the ex? Does he have boundaries or even have an inkling as to what they are? Does he send mixed messages? Is he accountable for his actions or does he blame everyone else? If he has kids and family, does he spend time with them? Does he have a spiritual life? Is he generous? Does he have any interests of his own? Does he have friends? Stay objective! This is especially important if you have some intense "heart fluttering" chemistry running with this person. If there are any red flags, they are clearly seen as your warning signals. Observation mode is your friend. With your eyes wide open, and the information at hand, you have no one to blame but you if you choose to step into the game.
Pay attention to the signs and ask the pertinent questions. Take your time, HOLD YOUR SPACE. Has he cheated on his last girlfriend? Still emotionally tied to the ex? Does he have boundaries or even have an inkling as to what they are? Does he send mixed messages? Is he accountable for his actions or does he blame everyone else? If he has kids and family, does he spend time with them? Does he have a spiritual life? Is he generous? Does he have any interests of his own? Does he have friends? Stay objective! This is especially important if you have some intense "heart fluttering" chemistry running with this person. If there are any red flags, they are clearly seen as your warning signals. Observation mode is your friend. With your eyes wide open, and the information at hand, you have no one to blame but you if you choose to step into the game.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Get a Grip!
In a Frenzy? Whipshawed by indecision? Get A grip! You KNOW the answers to the important questions. Go back to the basics ...your values and what really matters to you. Allow your friends to assist you and act as sounding boards. Ultimately, it's your deal and your life. We all need support and to connect. It helps us stay grounded and not fly off the planet and into the ethers...
Let go and release, we have no control anyway. YOU have all the answers to your questions. Pray and Listen.
Let go and release, we have no control anyway. YOU have all the answers to your questions. Pray and Listen.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Don't Call Boys
"Don't Call Boys" was the rule in my home when I was growing up. My mother made certain that my two sisters and I knew this rule well. Calling boys was not just an option. It was polite to return a call but not initiate one. The rule was right up there with "Don't touch the hot stove," "Look both ways before crossing the street" and "Don't put Palmolive in the the dishwasher." Knowing this rule has served me well in my life. The phrase has been indelibly imprinted in my brain. I have sat and listened to many a girlfriend lament about and obsess over a man. Often they "sweat" him and succumb to calling him. Just make this your new rule on "auto 24/7," Don't Call Boys. It's an early version of HOLD YOUR SPACE
Let him come to you. He will call on his time (or not) and will have something to say. He might have been ready to call you and ask you out ( or apologize) just before you made your call. Give him the time to think about you and miss you when he is away from you.
Some women think if they haven't heard from (the latest) him, they will call/email/text him. They often spend a lot of time thinking about/obsessing and concocting a reason to break the tension they feel. Some may come up with an obvious question or flimsy excuse just to make contact. Trust me, he knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Good things come to those who wait. Men are the hunters. If you are too easy to "catch" you must not be the "prize". So act like it! He is perfectly capable of locating you, if interested. If he can't find you, you don't want him anyway.
Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.
Let him come to you. He will call on his time (or not) and will have something to say. He might have been ready to call you and ask you out ( or apologize) just before you made your call. Give him the time to think about you and miss you when he is away from you.
Some women think if they haven't heard from (the latest) him, they will call/email/text him. They often spend a lot of time thinking about/obsessing and concocting a reason to break the tension they feel. Some may come up with an obvious question or flimsy excuse just to make contact. Trust me, he knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Good things come to those who wait. Men are the hunters. If you are too easy to "catch" you must not be the "prize". So act like it! He is perfectly capable of locating you, if interested. If he can't find you, you don't want him anyway.
Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Say My Name
Waiting for that phone call? HOLD YOUR SPACE This is a great time to reevaluate the relationship and why it hasn't worked. Are you wanting him/her to call because you are wounded from the sting and pain of rejection? Have your abandonment issues raised their ugly head? The intense pain and longing we often feel is not necessarily from loving him (or her). It's a toxic buildup from a string of past failed relationships and disappointments. Compounded grief. It's the domino effect. We may have only known him/her for a few months and we are experiencing deep and confusing pain. We haven't known him/her long enough to be this devastated. Many times we return to the relationship thinking it must be true love. By reconnecting we take away that fear and pain. Take the time for you. Sort it out. Look at it for what it is and get clear. Face the reality and let truth be your guide.
Obsessing a tad? HOLD YOUR SPACE Life will get better. PRAY for guidance and the WISDOM of your experience. FOCUS on you, your life and the tasks at hand. Know that you are the PRIZE! If it is not him, it's someone better suited for you, and he/she has done you a favor.
Obsessing a tad? HOLD YOUR SPACE Life will get better. PRAY for guidance and the WISDOM of your experience. FOCUS on you, your life and the tasks at hand. Know that you are the PRIZE! If it is not him, it's someone better suited for you, and he/she has done you a favor.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Let God Be Your Boyfriend
My friends' daughter has been going down a bumpy road and has hit a pothole or two. She has made some risky and unhealthy choices including abusive boyfriends. The advice given to her by a caring and wise friend was, "Let God be your Boyfriend". It brought a big smile to my face, a nice thought for a young woman to say to another. She could obsess about God and spiritual matters. Her time would be much better spent.
Our ability to connect spiritually is always available. God is there and not going anywhere. We're the ones who abandon communication. If we care enough to listen, and ask for guidance, just think where we might be led.
Our ability to connect spiritually is always available. God is there and not going anywhere. We're the ones who abandon communication. If we care enough to listen, and ask for guidance, just think where we might be led.
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