Forever Friends

I met with a close friend to celebrate her birthday last night. We have been friends for a long time and met in art school. We call ourselves "forever friends." I don't know of a more genuine, loyal and dedicated person. She has decided to retire at the end of this school year. This decision came about after she was in a terrible car accident not long ago. She had a very close call. My friend lost control of her car after leaving her doctors office at about 10:30 in the morning. Tired and overworked she was returning home after being diagnosed with strep throat. It had been raining that morning and she was driving on a slick frontage road. Her car spun around and she flipped upside down in a ravine. When help arrived, she had to be pried out of her car while fully conscious with her neck and spine pressed against the roof of her car. She was in shock but still very much aware of how serious the accident was. She's lucky to be here and is still dealing with multiple injuries and fractures months later. She's going to be OK and is full of gratitude.
The accident was a big wake up call to her about how she's been living her life. She has given tirelessly, working long hours for many years as the principal of a school of 500 plus students. She is a dedicated and giving person, truly one of an kind. I know she has touched the lives of so many students in a positive way. We are all better people for having known her.
My friend had thought about retiring and after this accident she definitely made up her mind. Now she's ready to take some time for herself. She told me "...life is too short." She knows what a pivotal moment the accident was. Her life, and what is important, flashed before her eyes in seconds. She plans to spend more time with her family, friends and travel with her husband. She deserves to heal, have some fun and get some much needed rest. We often push and push ourselves on life's treadmill, and never stop to realize how fast our life is moving. I'm proud of her for making the decision to step off of the fast track and give to herself, and I'm thankful she's here.

Balance and Perspective

I just had a great conversation with a good friend who is dating a new man. She has seen him 5 out of the 5 days she has known him. I thought Uh Oh...She told me she is dog tired. A couple of times she wanted to say no when he asked her out, but didn't. Uh Oh...It's great to be in a new relationship with all of the Big Love Buzz and excitement going on. Caught up in the "is he the one?" And...enjoying the finding out.
We talked about Balance and Perspective being of the utmost importance here. I didn't want to throw a wet blanket on her fun or rain on her parade. She knows these things. I thought I did, too. I was wrong. My feet were totally off the ground and my brain took a vacation. I learned the very hard way.
I married the Dead Ex Husband just a few months after we met. I didn't have good boundaries at all! He put the big rush on me and I loved it, fully in the whirlwind spin. I was all caught up in the fun and lost my Balance and Perspective totally and completely. I didn't know the meaning of HOLD YOUR SPACE. I needed to take the time to get to know who he really was without the glow and the newness of the courting and dating. If I am really being honest with myself, I liked the attention. I got off on how into me he was. I now realize I lost my perspective because he was so crazy about me. (Crazy being the truth) Balance was gone because I stopped seeing my family and girlfriends to spend an exorbitant amount of time with him. Big mistake. Your family and girlfriends will tell you the truth about what they see happening. They will also be there for you if it all falls apart. The most important thing is they love you. They are no flash in the pan. They have history with you and will remain a part of your life.
I know I am being protective of her. I see it all from the lens of my experience and I want only the very best for her. Balance and Perspective; something I didn't have.

Keep Your Head In The Game

Yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. We talked and caught up on what has been going on in each of our lives. She just broke up with a man she had been dating steadily for the last four months. She said she really cared about him.
They had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company and had good chemistry. "What happened?" I asked. She said he had become clingy and he wasn't very motivated. He just didn't want to take the lead. She said she missed him and that he was a good person. She decided, although it wasn't easy, to move forward with her life without him. She didn't want to waste her time or his.
As we talked, I listened to what she had to say. Some of her girlfriends didn't understand how easy it appeared for her to move on. I wasn't sure if maybe she just wasn't that into him. She told me how she explained it to them, "You just have to keep your head in the game." She went on to say, "Instead of getting all caught up in feelings, and thinking about how wonderful he is, you keep your head on straight. Think about what is best for you, and what you really want." It made sense to me and seemed practical. I'll have to check back with her in a week or two and see how she's doing.

Above The Water Line

Ever felt like you have been living life under water? Life so stressful it's hard to breathe and difficult to see things clearly? For a period of time I felt like I was holding my breath in murky waters.
I know stress can take its toll. The most important things in life are health and sanity. We can't have one without the other. I'm learning to HOLD my SPACE in the place of Health. To make it my priority. I'm doing the things I know are good for me. Nothing else really matters. Eat healthy foods and rest. Chill. Take a walk. Be grateful.
We all have great answers to the important questions. I don't always listen to myself or take my own good advice. I know that I made it to live Above the Water Line. Sometimes I bob back under and it's pretty uncomfortable staying there for long. It's much better floating Above the Water Line where I can breathe and life comes into focus.

Trial By Fire

He had money, family connections and law firms to insulate him. Money and privilege can provide a life above the law if you are so inclined. Good attorneys can spin whatever story you want if you can afford to pay for it. The jury ruled 11 to 1 that he did not intend to hurt me. After all, the attorneys said he was a "special needs" person. He had health problems, gout in his ankle. At least I was free. One juror approached me after the trial. I am so thankful she did. One person believed me out of the 12. She saw through the lies. It didn't matter much, I had made it through and I was free. A crash course in Learning to HOLD MY SPACE.
He had found me through the post office. He told them we hadn't been getting our mail and asked them what address they had on record. They gave him my address. It was a very frightful time. I remember my heart pounding through my chest as I would make my plan to get away. I was afraid he would kill me, and he could have. He told me over and over again how much he loved me. He was used to getting his way with all of his money. He stalked me, ran me off the road, and kept me against my will. He weighed over 300 lbs and had played football in college. I learned after I married him, he had a meth addiction. My daughter told me I was like princess Leia with Jabba the Hut. A friend said I needed an elephant gun to stop him. I was living life on the ropes and on the run.
He broke down my door at 3:00 am taking away the simple comfort of ever sleeping soundly again. They had his picture on the wall of the security office where I was later employed. It was a nightmare, I couldn't believe this had become my life. I thought there was no way out.
The off duty police who provided security for his wealthy mother and her home, (among other things, she owned a million dollar diamond ring) were the same force I later called when he assaulted me in my condo. That scared me too. Would they help me? The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move to a place with 24 hour security and cameras." He said, "...this guy can get in where most people can't." I had just moved. Not long after, I left for Canada for several months, then I hid out at my parents home. I found a place with tight 24 hour security and cameras. My daughter said it was like coming to a "lock up" to visit. She added "...you live like you are in prison." I could finally sleep.
I lost friends who were afraid for their own safety. They didn't want me to wind up like Nicole. I isolated. I didn't want harm to come to anyone who might be with me. He threatened I would never see one of my friends again, and yet she stood by me and testified at the trial.
I can write about this now with little fear. He is dead and can't hurt me again. I never prayed that any harm would come to him. I prayed that I could be free to live a life away from him and my prayers were answered.

Mistakes Make You

When I was young I did my best not to make a mistake. My parents wanted me to make straight A's in Catholic schools. I always stood when called upon and I knew better than to ever misbehave. I was studious, quiet and hovered just under the radar to survive the strict and often punitive environment. I tried hard for years to win the penmanship award and never came close.
I was surprised when I won the combined citizenship and scholarship award my first quarter at the Catholic school in Southern California. We had recently moved there from cold Ohio. The nuns awarded me the special pin to wear proudly for the entire next quarter. It was to be passed on to the next winning recipient the following quarter. The pin was gold with delicate colored enameling and engraving. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I had been given. My special jewelry gifts to date were a small gold cross from my parents and a holy medal from my grandmother on my first Communion day.
I lost the pin shortly after the first week it had been presented to me. As the weeks went by, I couldn't even remember what it looked like. I just knew I had to win it again the next quarter so I wouldn't get into trouble for losing it. It was a pressure packed year for me as a sixth grader. If one consistently won the award, they were allowed to keep the pin at the end of the year. It was the first time I had ever kept such a secret. I lost the pin and I was afraid to admit it. I didn't want to be punished or be perceived as irresponsible by my parents, classmates or by the nuns. How had such a good thing gone so bad?
I created so much stress for myself by pretending and keeping that secret. All I focused on was studying hard to continue to earn the pin I had lost. I know today the truth is much simpler, if not easier, to deal with. Today, whenever I make a mistake, I do my best to move on. For the most part, we are better for having made mistakes. What we learn from them becomes a wiser part of who we are.

Force of Habit

Resist the force of habit to think in the same old way. Repeated thought patterns become habits and the habits of thoughts become our lives. Change is not easy! Yet we do have a choice, whether we want to be on autopilot or not. It's like centrifugal force and keeps us going in the same old forcefield. Or is it more like a record, going round and round with the needle of our life in the same groove?
We can lay down a new track, and change our lives for the better. Thoughts are things and thoughts have wings. It takes time, commitment and vigilance. I HOLD MY SPACE in the place of change.

Vibe Up!

Vibing up is focusing on what you want in your life and Holding Your Space there. I think of it as a scale I can go up or down. Somewhere in the middle is the bridge I can cross and choose to go either way. Happy or sad? Prosperity or Poverty? Hope or Doubt? It is my choice.
Our mind is a powerful tool. Whatever we focus on multiplies and expands. We can choose to use it for our good by attuning to the higher energies or we can have a pity party. Sometimes its easy to languish in the morass of doom and gloom. Like an old shoe, we can put it on and feel comfortably uncomfortable. I know it doesn't serve me or look good on me. So I do my best to give it up.
Choose to Vibe up, do it whether you feel like it or not. Think about what it is you truly want and meditate upon it. Get clear about it. What makes you feel fulfilled? What kind of person do you want to become? What do you want more of in your life? What are your dreams? Feel it is already present in your life. Make it the reality with each thought that you have. Think forward.

What You Believe You Can Achieve.
Vibe Up and HOLD YOUR SPACE there.

Secret Agent Man

My daughter married a Special Federal Agent with the State Department. They had a beautiful and lavish wedding attended by many friends and family. He was in the Diplomatic Security Service and he kept lots of Secrets.
When she married him he was assigned to Secretary of State Colin Powell. She didn't always know where he was going or what he was doing. She understood that was part of the deal. There would be Secrets. He traveled around on Air Force One when Secretary Powell was with the President. He also went to middle eastern countries, she didn't know exactly which ones or for how long. He carried a gun, wore cool sunglasses and had a kevlar vest he left in the trunk of the car most of the time. It was dangerous and she worried about that.
They lived in Fairfax,Virginia in close proximity to D.C. She learned to cook perfect dinners and, after much labor, had the perfect home and garden. It seemed like the perfect life. She had Teas at The White House and Presidential Balls to attend. It was interesting, exciting and life was never ever dull.
My daughter had been pumping gas near the Pentagon the day of 9/11. I worried about her safety as soon as I heard the horrible news. I couldn't get through to her that day, all day. I was relieved that evening when she called. She said it was traumatic living and working in D.C. during the days and weeks after the attack. There were tanks and armed military all over the city. She felt like she was living in a police state and yet there was a comfort with their presence on every corner.
We knew her phone was being monitored/tapped especially after 9/11. Her husband was in such close proximity to the The President and Secretary Powell. We mostly talked about clothes, purses and shoes, hair and makeup. There was the occasional "Mom!" when I would say a word or ask a question without realizing it was inappropriate for the wife of a Special Federal Agent.
One Christmas, I helped her with one of her parties and met many of the Agents. They were a different breed. Trained killers actually, if you think about it. I was looking forward to meeting the six foot "gun toting" Barbie, but she had been assigned elsewhere that evening. Although cordial, the Agents were pretty much a closed group without many of the social skills we regular people have. Their minds were on other things.
After that Christmas, her husband was assigned a foreign post with a planned move to Spain. He was to be in charge of security for the US Embassy in Madrid. My daughter attended foreign language classes, special driving classes and classes on intelligence, spies and terrorism. Once in Spain, she attended dinners with the ambassador and balls at other embassies. It seemed like the perfect life.
Their first Christmas in Madrid, he gave her a plane ticket to fly home. She had been homesick and thought it was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. She had a diplomatic passport and traveling back and forth across the Atlantic was easy for her and her pet cat Isabel even in the months after 9/11.
Once home, he encouraged her to stay in the U.S. and not long after, he wanted a divorce. What went wrong? She had tried so hard to be the perfect wife. She didn't understand what had happened. What else could she do? She had already given up her life in the states, her job, family and friends to go with him. She loved him and he was her husband. What happened? She was heartsick. She had her head under the covers for what seemed like six months.
It was after the divorce my daughter learned the truth. He had been having an affair for a long time. It began after he had given her an engagement ring. Why? The "other woman" she learned, was married. We speculated it was a good career move for him to have a wife, so he went ahead and married my daughter. They must have decided to each get divorces in order to be together. My daughter was told by another agents' wife he married the "other woman" only a week after their divorce was final. She was devastated, then angry. It took her a long time to recover. Over time, she began to understand how the marriage was doomed from the start. He was a well oiled machine and expertly trained at what he did, keeping Secrets.

Riding the Bluebird

My brother was sent to prison for two years and two months. It was an eternity for him and for those of us who love him. He is my only brother and he is the youngest of four. He has made some bad choices and big mistakes. He has had to learn the hard way.
My brother was nearly at the end of a five year probation (for drugs) when he was stopped by police for a burned out tail light. He was moving his things from a lakehouse he had leased in one state and bringing them home, to the state we live in. Once stopped, the Highway Patrol discovered he had a record and searched his packed suburban. Among the things he was moving, was a gun. He wasn't supposed to have one. There he was, crossing state lines with a weapon and somewhere packed in all of his stuff was an old pipe he had used for drugs. It was a very sad day when they took him away and locked him up.
After he completed his sentence, we spent time together and he told me lots of stories. Stories from the inside he didn't tell me when I would visit him.
During his two year and two month sentence, he was moved from prison to prison all over the state. He told me the move was called "Riding the Bluebird." I asked him "Why?" He said because the bus had an insignia on the side with a small bird and it read BLUEBIRD. He also told me it was the same insignia on the side of the old school buses we rode when we were kids. I had never noticed. Inmates (an odd word) are moved in the middle of the night from one prison to another. It makes sense now. Have you ever seen an old white school bus full of prisoners with guards carrying guns? Me neither.
The prisoners were never told where they were going or how long the ride would be. My brother said they were shackled together at their ankles and wrists for the transport. One night, very late, while traveling to who knew where, the bus broke down. They were ordered off the bus. I think he said a tire had blown and while one guard changed the tire, the other held a shotgun aimed at them. He said it was one of the most frightening times he had ever experienced. They stood together, in the heat of the dusty night, in the middle of nowhere. The guard who held the gun on them said, "...if one of you moves, I'm shooting you all." My brother knew it could happen. He said not too many questions would be asked about 5 prisoners shot in the middle of the night on the side of a dark county road. He had a crash course in how to Hold his Space.
I'm glad he's home.

Like a Bird Set Free

I will never forget this day, I don't remember what day it was, only what happened. I was having a hectic "hair on fire" day at work, when my former mother in law called. She is my children's grandmother. We have remained close although her son and I divorced long ago. She asked "Have you read the paper?" Odd question, I thought. "No, I have been busy at work, I've hardly stopped to catch my breath". "Why?"I asked. She said, "Go and read the Obituaries. Blank Blank is dead." (the abusive man I had divorced 2 months prior) " WHAT???" I said. I don't even remember saying goodbye to her or hanging up the phone. I hurried down the hall with my head in a dizzy spin, looking for the days newspaper. I found a paper and quickly turned to the Obits. There it was in black and white, the newsprint of daily life for all the world to see. He was dead. I had no idea why.
I immediately went to my computer and began to look online. I discovered the cause of death. He had failed to negotiate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. There were people with him who tried to revive him at the scene. He died on impact of trauma and massive head injuries. The article said several deaths had occurred in the same area that winter. They speculated excessive speed was involved. There it was. My life had changed. He could never hurt me or come after me again. My sense of relief was overwhelming, Like a Bird Set Free. I would never to have to look over my shoulder again.

Change Your Mind and Change your LIfe

Whenever I have something special to attend I think, "What am I going to wear?" If I don't have something in my closet, I plan to go shopping. I'll head out to find just the right something to wear. We all like to feel we look good. The current magazines have plenty of great styles to see as well as who is wearing the latest and greatest fashion.
I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good and looking good come from the inside out, not the outside in. We can put on just about anything (well almost) in our closets when we feel good about ourselves and our confidence shows. On the other hand, when we are down on ourselves we don't look or feel good in just about anything! Right? Ever been through 10 or so changes? You know what I mean. No great outfit totally works. It might help us to keep up appearances and prop ourselves up. We can put on the mask but we know what's really going on. Makeup doesn't cover up the truth of how we really feel about us.
Change your Mind and Change your Life. If it is losing weight, in a healthy way, then start. If it is telling someone what you really think (with a little filter) then do so. Stop smoking? I know we all can do whatever we make up our mind to do. For me, I just have to want the change badly enough to have the self discipline to start...I'm laying down a new track. I HOLD my SPACE in the place of change.

Addicted To Love

Are you a Love Addict? Someone who is in a relationship and (you think) the relationship is all there is to life? Is it the center of your world? Daydreaming about him/her is one of your favorite pastimes? You think you can't live without him/her? He/she is your purpose for living? Obsessive thoughts? I have been there.
Is it difficult to focus on what you need to do? Especially when there is a problem in the relationship? Where is he? What is he doing and when will he call? You think you can't exist without some kind of contact? Is he being faithful? Has he met someone else? Are you feeling shaky during these times? Do you feel lightheaded, dizzy, intense and irritable? Yes, this is Love Addiction.
Have you gone from one relationship to another? Gone from person to person and quickly attached and been "In Love?" Have you obsessed about him/her andwhen you will see him/her again? You want to call, and you may have called/emailed/textd/ many times already and to no avail. Feel vulnerable and afraid with your self esteem at an all time low? You feel completely insecure and driven. (and you may have even driven by his place)
Sound like you? A Love Addict? You probably are...you have just lost your perspective. Begin to HOLD YOUR SPACE There IS another way. Get your feet back on the ground, get centered and GET A GRIP! You are not in love with him. ( Yes, it's true, this is not love) He is the Drug of your Love Addiction. He probably is not available to you, which is a BIG part of what keeps you hooked.

Home on the Range to Haute

My dear friend is beautiful, full of life and has exquisite taste. Her sense of style is inherent, something that can't be taught or bought. She is the only one who doesn't fully realize her unique presence and value. She grew up in a small town (on a big ranch) in west Texas, you see, she is "The Pride of Shamrock". She has traveled the world and is successful in her business. Her place of business in the Big City opened just a few long years ago. She has been focused, dedicated and worked tirelessly to build it from next to nothing. She created it on sheer willpower, lots of elbow grease and her effervescent personality. She is great fun to be with, has a huge smile and is beyond generous.
Her business continues to grow and prosper. She has been interviewed, photographed and has had articles written about her detailing her success. She is living the true American Dream. What is missing is a good man to love her and share her life. She has a yearning to meet that special person and be married one day. She has a great big heart and gives unselfishly, time after time. Her Achilles heel is, she doesn't KNOW... SHE is THE PRIZE. Let the right man come and find you...and when he does..HOLD YOUR SPACE
He is the lucky one!

Better Left Unsaid

All the times you want to say something and yet you know in your heart of hearts it's best not to?
Zip it! Better left unsaid! Time to edit mentally. HOLD YOUR SPACE and let the right words come to you (or not) before speaking. Do No Harm. Unasked for advice can equal control. We only want the very best for our friends, family, husband, lover. It is their path and their lesson to learn. Support and care mean so much in times of strife. Listening and Holding the Space for healing can be our greatest gift.

Code Word: Geranium

I married the Dead Ex Husband in December of one year. My son and I escaped in the middle of the night the following July.
We lived a fairy tale life for the first few months. He and his family were the Noahs' Arc of Wealth. They had at least two of everything. Two boxes at Cowboy stadium, a big one for business and a smaller one for family and friends. Lear jets and golf tournaments. Racehorses and boxes in which to watch them run. A big box at the Speedway, the only privately owned box there. One BIG Yacht and various other boats, one to sail, one to race and one to fish. A ranch, huge winter/summer homes on a private lakes, it goes on and on....you get the picture.
I detail the situation to describe how difficult it was not only to leave but to get away. I loved him when I married him, that changed over a short time and after he hurt me. I was shell shocked. I called my mother to talk with her, he was so possessive, he ripped the phone out of the wall. He wanted me to spend all of my time with him and to talk only to him. He raged. He grabbed my cell phone from me, threw it against the tile floor and smathered it into smithereeeens. the problem was he thought he owned me and I wasn't for sale. I had a backup plan, and help on the outside. Code word: Geranium. My sweet mother and I had a plan for my escape.

Talking Smack

Have you been talking smack? I know I have...sometimes it is venting, disgruntled ramblings and sometimes it is just ol' fashioned gossip girls. You know, talking behind someones' back. I don't feel better about it, actually just worse about me. It can be falling into the habit of just being negative. A change is needed, a mental washing my mouth out with the soap of a better attitude. A filter from brain to mouth censoring out the negative. I remind myself to Practice the Golden Rule and look for the the good in people. Release the old way of just joining in and Talking Smack. HOLD YOUR SPACE It's time to lay down a new track and take the higher road.

Danger Will Robinson

Sometimes we stay in relationships even when we know we should leave. We have hoped beyond hope it could work. Deep in our heart of hearts we know better. When we have to plan to get out, an escape plan, we have probably stayed too long. It's OK. Don't worry about your stuff. You can always get more. Stuff is replaceable, you are not. Your safety is the biggest concern. We become immune to the level of stress and danger we are living in. We become numb to it. It's a little bit different than denial. You think you can handle it. You have already been dealing with it. Just remember there is always an "X" factor, the unknown. It could be you we read about in the paper. Trust that the doors will open up for you and you will make it. Listen to the part of you that knows you deserve better. You don't have to live this way. It will all work out, just take the first step out the door. Don't look back, and no matter what he says, don't ever go back.

The Razors Edge

The Razors Edge, living in both worlds, the spiritual world and the material world simultaneously. To be in this world but not of it. To be able to exist in both planes at the same time, walking and living on The Razors Edge. The finest line there is. It can be the most difficult. It takes practice just like walking a tightrope. We get better at it if we choose to, and it takes the practice of faith and letting go. Surrender. We meet people along the way to help us keep our balance. Often, God sends them to us. Sometimes we fall off, and for me, it's God that gives me a leg up and back on. There are plenty of wobbly times. Just like when you learned to ride a bike. You weren't sure how you were going keep from falling, and trusted that peddling would keep you moving forward. Eventually, it became easier and now you know you can do it.
You know when you are in the flow of life and it's all good, and no matter what happens, you trust and know you will get through. The Razors Edge, our spiritual path. HOLD YOUR SPACE.

Foxhole Faith

In the past I had a Foxhole Faith. Whenever I was in trouble, I would Pray, Pray and Pray. Pleaseeee help me God. After the crisis was averted, I would rest back on my laurels, happy to have made it through and forgetting to say "Thank you" to God.
Today I know better. I learned the hard way. My hard headedness has brought me to my knees. I would forget to take the time to pray every day and have gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Today, it is my spiritual life and connection to God that is my strength.
Anytime we are in a struggle, however tough it is, we may not see the path or the way through the dark scary forest. We will get to the other side. We can make it easier on ourselves or not. Prayer can shine a light on the path (what a relief) and help us through. We have a choice. We can "white knuckle" it ourselves or let go and ask for the Grace of God . Praying and letting go is the hardest thing I ever ever learned to do. Then it becomes the easiest.
HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of prayer.

If They Tell You They're Dancing...

If they tell you they're dancing look at their feet. If a man (or anyone else) tells you he/she is "going to" do something, pay attention to the action he/she is taking to accomplish what it is he/she is telling you. Is it get a job, divorce, quit smoking or drinking, set a boundary, call you, take you out. make a commitment, get engaged, get married? and on and on...whatever it is, instead of getting your heart and hopes caught up in his words, pay attention to what action or inaction he is taking. Look at his feet. Sometimes words are just a smokescreen. Wrap your mind around the reality of the situation. He may have no intention of ever following through. As women, we pay more attention to what he says and less to what he does. He will pay more attention to what you do, and less to what you say. Save your breath and take some action for yourself.
Take good care of yourself , believe in your value and set some healthy boundaries. HOLD YOUR SPACE. You must pay attention to what the proof is, and like it or not, it's in the pudding.

Hug Your Demons

"Hug your Demons or they will bite you in the ass," a wise teacher once told me. Sometimes it takes us awhile to identify our Demons. We are often in denial and don't think they are Demons at all, but pleasures! What can take you down? What keeps you stuck and going in circles with no traction? What is IT that stands in your way of being the happy, fulfilled and successful person you are meant to be? Is it relationships? alcohol? drugs? smoking? eating? not eating? gambling? spending money? workaholism? low self esteem?. Whatever IT is...you can identify. IT has been a repeated pattern in your life. Your friends and family probably know what IT is. Take a risk and ask them. You might be surprised at what insight they have for you. We don't see ourselves as others do. It's the one Jaharis window square we can't see. Sometimes IT is called the shadow side. As painful as it may be, if we each hug our Demons, imagine how wonderful we would feel, what we could achieve and what a better place the planet would be!

Birds of a Feather

Birds of a Feather Flock Together. How many times have you heard this phrase? Many times? Possibly from a parent? My Mom and Dad both said this frequently to my sisters and to me. Somehow my brother escaped hearing this frequent statement. (Boys must be immune) I never liked hearing it. It was usually stated dryly when either parent didn't like the company we were keeping. Funny though, how they were often correct in their assessments. I spoke to a high school friend after our reunion and she told me some stories about herself that more than raised my eyebrows! My Dad never wanted me to "hang out" with her. I defended her over and over, pleading my case and calling him judgmental. Now I know why, and what his parental ESP must have been picking up. If you want to learn something about yourself, just take a good look at who your friends are. Who do you "flock" with? That tidbit of valuable information will speak volumes about you. We are known by the company we keep.

We Teach People How to Treat Us

We teach people how to treat us. How we treat ourselves is like a public service announcement to the rest of world on how to treat us. We think we can keep "things" to ourselves. Get ready for this: There are no secrets. The expression "...your actions speak so loudly I can't hear what you are saying" is so true. Remember, if you can't say "no" your "yes" doesn't mean anything!"
HOLD YOUR SPACE

Jumping Frog

I was told this story some time ago. I'm not sure of the exact words. It went something like this...

When you are in a relationship it is much like a frog in a pot of water. If the relationship becomes unhealthy the heat ever so slowly increases. Over time, the tepid water becomes warmer and warmer. The frog becomes accustomed to the slowly increasing temperature not realizing it is weakening him/her. As time passes, the water boils. The depleted frog cooks and dies. He or she never realized the danger because the increasing heat had became the norm.
The same frog put into a pot of hot water would quickly jump out. The intense heat of the situation would be obvious enough to send him/her on their way!

Victim of Love

She told her aunt she had met the "perfect man". He didn't drink or go to bars. He went to church and she loved him. She planned to marry him. Last Saturday he beat her to death. Through her tears, her aunt told me it was a brutal killing. After beating the life out of her, he strangled her and put her body in the bathtub. Blood was everywhere. She must have "fought him" she tells me. When she arrived at the scene, in shock, she asked the police, "Where is the ambulance?" The police told her there would be no ambulance. Her 12 year old son found her nieces' body six hours after her death. Her children were in the house. Her son heard his mother arguing with her boyfriend the night before and said he heard his mother scream. He cried for three days, traumatized and wishing he could have done something to save her. She also left behind two daughters, ages 15 and 10.
"She was a hard working woman, raising her three children on her own." Her aunt tells me crying, "She had her own small business painting houses and was paying her own mortgage." They had been supportive of each other, making their way in the world as single working women. Her aunt had not seen much of her niece recently. The "perfect man" of the last 9 months didn't want her to use the phone. He wanted her to move to Mexico with him. She refused and now she is dead.

Observation Mode

Observation Mode is an excellent skill to utilize when entering a new relationship. You are gathering information about this person. What information are they giving you from the getgo? The facts are there. Imagine you have a video camera above the two of you documenting your initial conversations. Your time is extremely valuable and you deserve to be in relationship with a person who has values, honesty and integrity.
Pay attention to the signs and ask the pertinent questions. Take your time, HOLD YOUR SPACE. Has he cheated on his last girlfriend? Still emotionally tied to the ex? Does he have boundaries or even have an inkling as to what they are? Does he send mixed messages? Is he accountable for his actions or does he blame everyone else? If he has kids and family, does he spend time with them? Does he have a spiritual life? Is he generous? Does he have any interests of his own? Does he have friends? Stay objective! This is especially important if you have some intense "heart fluttering" chemistry running with this person. If there are any red flags, they are clearly seen as your warning signals. Observation mode is your friend. With your eyes wide open, and the information at hand, you have no one to blame but you if you choose to step into the game.

Get a Grip!

In a Frenzy? Whipshawed by indecision? Get A grip! You KNOW the answers to the important questions. Go back to the basics ...your values and what really matters to you. Allow your friends to assist you and act as sounding boards. Ultimately, it's your deal and your life. We all need support and to connect. It helps us stay grounded and not fly off the planet and into the ethers...
Let go and release, we have no control anyway. YOU have all the answers to your questions. Pray and Listen.

Don't Call Boys

"Don't Call Boys" was the rule in my home when I was growing up. My mother made certain that my two sisters and I knew this rule well. Calling boys was not just an option. It was polite to return a call but not initiate one. The rule was right up there with "Don't touch the hot stove," "Look both ways before crossing the street" and "Don't put Palmolive in the the dishwasher." Knowing this rule has served me well in my life. The phrase has been indelibly imprinted in my brain. I have sat and listened to many a girlfriend lament about and obsess over a man. Often they "sweat" him and succumb to calling him. Just make this your new rule on "auto 24/7," Don't Call Boys. It's an early version of HOLD YOUR SPACE
Let him come to you. He will call on his time (or not) and will have something to say. He might have been ready to call you and ask you out ( or apologize) just before you made your call. Give him the time to think about you and miss you when he is away from you.
Some women think if they haven't heard from (the latest) him, they will call/email/text him. They often spend a lot of time thinking about/obsessing and concocting a reason to break the tension they feel. Some may come up with an obvious question or flimsy excuse just to make contact. Trust me, he knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Good things come to those who wait. Men are the hunters. If you are too easy to "catch" you must not be the "prize". So act like it! He is perfectly capable of locating you, if interested. If he can't find you, you don't want him anyway.

Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.

Say My Name

Waiting for that phone call? HOLD YOUR SPACE This is a great time to reevaluate the relationship and why it hasn't worked. Are you wanting him/her to call because you are wounded from the sting and pain of rejection? Have your abandonment issues raised their ugly head? The intense pain and longing we often feel is not necessarily from loving him (or her). It's a toxic buildup from a string of past failed relationships and disappointments. Compounded grief. It's the domino effect. We may have only known him/her for a few months and we are experiencing deep and confusing pain. We haven't known him/her long enough to be this devastated. Many times we return to the relationship thinking it must be true love. By reconnecting we take away that fear and pain. Take the time for you. Sort it out. Look at it for what it is and get clear. Face the reality and let truth be your guide.
Obsessing a tad? HOLD YOUR SPACE Life will get better. PRAY for guidance and the WISDOM of your experience. FOCUS on you, your life and the tasks at hand. Know that you are the PRIZE! If it is not him, it's someone better suited for you, and he/she has done you a favor.

Let God Be Your Boyfriend

My friends' daughter has been going down a bumpy road and has hit a pothole or two. She has made some risky and unhealthy choices including abusive boyfriends. The advice given to her by a caring and wise friend was, "Let God be your Boyfriend". It brought a big smile to my face, a nice thought for a young woman to say to another. She could obsess about God and spiritual matters. Her time would be much better spent.
Our ability to connect spiritually is always available. God is there and not going anywhere. We're the ones who abandon communication. If we care enough to listen, and ask for guidance, just think where we might be led.

The Scorpion and The Turtle

There was a scorpion drowning in a swift flowing river. The torrential rains had swept him off the bank and carried him downstream. A turtle went swimming by, barely effected by the strong currents. The scorpion called out "Help me! Help me! Please help me! If you don't surely I will drown" The turtle swam over cautiously and said. "I would help you, but if I do you will sting me and I will die." "Oh no! I will not hurt you," the scorpion pleaded, "just let me climb on your back, take me to land and I will climb off, ever so grateful to you for saving me."
The turtle thought about it, and against his better judgement said cautiously, "OK, climb on." The turtle swam across the river amid stormy waters to the safety of the bank and said "Here we are." As the scorpion began to climb off the back of the turtle, he swiftly stung him with his poisonous venom. The turtle recoiled in pain, stunned and shocked by the the scorpions' sting. The turtle shouted "WHY WHY would you do such a thing? I saved you from perishing!" The scorpion climbed off the turtles' back, and said as he parted, "I'm a scorpion and that's what I do."

Often when we begin a new relationship, all the information we need is there. Against our better judgement, we sometimes proceed anyway and then wonder in amazement why it didn't work.

Death by Faking It

Women Fake it and Men Fake it... (some) Men fake a future to get what they want in the present and (some) women fake the present to get a future they see as security. Why is it women fake orgasms and men fake affection? Are we really getting what we want?
Many stay in marriages/relationships vacant of joy and just pretend. We think can avoid or delay any impending pain by remaining in the status quo. On autodrive through life. There is the fear if we leave we will never find anyone...so we fake it. Why not just be alone? Learn to like ourselves? Where did we learn to live a life full of false pretenses? We die daily slow deaths by faking it. Before we know it, life has passed us by. If you've given it your best shot, Get Real. Save yourself and the other party lots of heartache, let it go. Better to face the unknown than Death by Faking it. Dragging it out due to guilt or fear just makes it all the more complicated when the ending in inevitable.

A Captive Heart

I met a beautiful woman from Nairobi today who told me the story of her captive heart. She was tall and willowy with velvety brown skin and large doe eyes, perfect teeth and little to smile about. Her hair was short and cut stylishly close to her head. She tells me she is "desperately" in love with a man who lies to her. She is caught in the vortex of a love triangle. Much like The Bermuda, it seems (to her) there is no way out. But alas, "...there is", I tell her, "tho' painful it will be." To free herself from the drug of her love addiction will be a monumental task. On the verge of kicking him out, she tells me how much she is in love with him. He is the only man she wants. Her fear is that he will marry the other woman. The other woman has told him he cannot come back until he marries her. Surely it would be a life wrought with misery. I ask her why she would want a man who lies to her and is with another woman? She said simply, she has "... a captive heart." Why is it we think love equals so much pain?

My spiritual teacher once told me, the height of your joy is equal to the depth of your pain.

The Ogre Landlord

Many of us have had an Ogre landlord. Someone who is difficult to deal with, unreasonable and oppressive. He, or she, seem to enjoy lauding their power and control over you, a perfect and fast track way to learn to Hold Your Space. Are negotiations initially difficult? They can be a predictor of future entanglements. Be Prepared! The signs are there early on. Know that the legal commitment you are agreeing to is binding. You have entered into a long term relationship with this person. Set your boundaries. A landlord can enter your new home without your permission or knowledge! Amazing!
I have experienced what I write about first hand. For four years I was under his domain, a serf in his kingdom. He was a teacher for me in Holding My Space during the time I inhabited his property. The good news is, he did me a favor. When I had had enough, I found a place of my own to buy. He motivated me to purchase my property, and today I have him to thank.

Herding Cats

Getting our thoughts together after a breakup can be as difficult as Herding Cats. Did we do the right thing? Did we try hard enough to work things out? Were we unreasonable?
Distracted and scattered, the new vacant spot in our life can feel cavernous. Spending time with our friends can help to get us over the hump. Just to be around people who care about us and will listen is comforting. It is sometimes difficult just to "track" with everyday conversations, slowly drifting off....thinking about him or her. Will they call? text? email?
HOLD YOUR SPACE Give it at least eight weeks. If he or she hasn't called within eight weeks time with some lightening striking new awareness...then do your best to move on. Save yourself the heartache of going back in again for more hurt later. Put your emotions aside and put your brain in gear to make the best possible choices for you. If you go back, will anything really be different? Are you just postponing the pain and fear of being without him/her for now? Is this just a big Bandaid because you're afraid to move forward alone? Will it be more of the same? Will you be in the same place 2 months from now and going through this same round again? If you can accept the relationship as it was when you left it , then go back. Nothing will have changed except maybe your hopes are higher.
If you make it through the first eight weeks, you will gain a better perspective on why it hasn't worked. Not easy but true. Over time, and with some healing, you might see why it was best let it go in the first place.

There's a Pony in There

Sometimes LIFE is tough and dishes out gut wrenching punches. We don't understand the whys and the wherefores only that we must deal with the aftermath. Pick your self up, and start all over again. Resilience. As Neitzche says, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I agree with him. When you've walked through the dark scary forest ( a.k.a. the valley of the shadow of death) and been to the gates of personal hell, you learn to "deal" with what comes your way. You have had experience at 10,000 leagues beneath the surface and have made it through alive, still breathing air. You may feel that you are falling apart and losing your mind, but in fact you are putting your pieces back together. Always know there is a pony, a silver lining, in there somewhere. HOLD YOUR SPACE

A Noble Seeker of Truth

He was one of the most giving people I have ever known. He had a kind and gentle, genuine spirit. When you were with him, he treated you with the ultimate respect. He is gone in body and present in spirit. The many who knew him had their lives touched in ways that won't happen again. He would go out of his way to help you, always giving of his time and energy. For him, it was all about relationships. Although he stood to inherit a fortune, you would never have known it. It was not about money or fame, it was about the family and friends he loved. He had a presence and magic around him. For the kids, he would reach into his pocket and sprinkle fairy dust to make a hurt better. He loved to learn, and truly was a noble seeker of truth. We will miss him.

Cat Like Reflexes

When I was going through a divorce (from the abusive dead ex husband) I learned about having "cat like" reflexes. I learned to change my position in a nan0second! He was highly intelligent, wealthy, an addict and usually one step ahead of me. I sought counseling at a domestic violence center to learn how to best protect myself. I wanted to learn to think (somewhat) like he did just to stay ahead of him and to survive. I was told I needed a plan. The group included women who had shot and killed their husbands in self defense. One was in jail, awaiting trial. It seemed like an out of body experience to be one of the members. They helped me to learn to anticipate his next move and how to avoid becoming entrapped. They passed on wisdom from their hard earned experiences and I am thankful I met them and learned from them. I was told two of the previous members had changed their names and moved to another state to escape the wrath of their abuser. Seemed kind of like the witness protection program, only they made up their own program. They stayed in contact with some of the group as they started their life over with a new name and identity.
I had just moved to a new address when he assaulted me. I pressed charges against him. The police investigator told me, "Lady you need to move somewhere with 24 hour security and cameras. This guy can get in where most people can't". The post office had given him my new address. As luck would have it, I was presented an opportunity to go to Canada. I jumped at the chance, let my lease go, and was gone for three months. The time away was a blessing, I felt safe and I could rest. It helped me to get stronger, to regroup and get a plan.

Anniversary

Today is my former anniversary. The day I married my "original" husband. Kind of a bittersweet day since he is married to someone else now. We married young and had great times together. It's like a distant former life. I didn't know who I was then and we grew in different directions. I could have stayed married to him. It would have been a lot easier road in many ways and harder in others. One of my friends called it my "Beautiful Prison". It took all the guts I had to leave. I am grateful to him. I have 2 wonderful children. Doubtful I would have met many of the great friends I have today. I'm a lot stronger and wiser person today. Being single and making your way in the world forces you to grow up in ways I didn't know as a young married woman. Today I think for myself and can do whatever my heart desires, on a budget.

Past Present Future

A wise teacher of mine once told me I could change my future. He said something to the effect of...in the PRESENT, by revisiting and reviewing the PAST you can change your FUTURE. It's an overlay of all three in the PRESENT moment. Of course it seemed complicated to me.
I've learned we can shift our thoughts about what happened, change our perspective about it in the present and change the way we operate in the future. I'm not saying it's easy, it's hard work. I think we each can come to terms with our past in a way that that heals our spirit, and we make a shift within ourselves. This shift alters us in the way we relate to the world, changing our future. I liken it to deleting old outdated programs in the computer files of our minds. Delete trash and clutter. We allow more free space to be who we truly are.

Heaven Ahead of Us

Death is tough to deal with. Especially when someone so young dies unexpectedly. Shock and sadness take over. I wish I had known he was ill and could have said goodbye. I saw him a year ago and he was the picture of health, expecting his third child the following day with his beautiful wife. We talked about our Mothers and their cancer, We supported each other in accepting the diagnosis and the unknown journey we each faced ahead. I learned he discovered he had a rare form of cancer after a gall bladder attack in May, lost 40 ponds and died August 29th. Life is Fragile. In sharing our loss, a dear friend of mine said, "He just went to heaven ahead of the rest of us."
I'm sure he will HOLD us a SPACE.

Life is Fragile

I received an email today from a dear friend who told me her husband (also a dear friend) had "passed away" at 3 am. Funeral times and location...nothing more. I am saddened and in shock. I didn't know he was ill. My own life has been filled with work and illness in my family. Time has flown by and I realized I had seen him a little over a year ago. A young and handsome man with small children, a beautiful wife and a great life ahead of him. What happened? I do not know...
He was kind and giving, full of wisdom and goodness. He touched the lives of many and he will be missed.

All Hat and No Cattle

I refer to the man who is long on B.S. and short on substance. As women, we all need good crap detectors, not only with him but with what we tell ourselves. We want to believe him just because we WANT to him to be who he portends to be. We can see a life with him, already planning our fictitious futures together.
Get a grip!
By employing some simple objectivity we can clearly SEE the reality of the situation , who he really is and if we have taken a trip down fantasy lane. Save yourself some heartache and your precious time.

Peel Me a Grape

Ever known anyone who wanted you to be their personal valet? A little bit helpless and long on manipulative? Another opportunity to HOLD YOUR SPACE. They may play on your guilt in attempting to "get" you to do something even they know they shouldn't ask. In keeping a commitment to you, they offer excuses such as, "Oh, I forgot." These opportunities for growth are often a frustrating, hair pulling experience but well worth the time. When caught off guard, some handy responses to their requests are, "I'll get back to you on that", "I'll have to think about that" or "I don't think that will work" This will buy you a little time to process before giving a solid "No". Good Luck!

The Wisdom of My Experience

I write about the abusive dead ex husband only to help one woman out there who might read this. He is not going to change. Get out now...Begin again. Do not believe his pleas to be with you and how much he loves you. Don't go back no matter what. Your life is precious and by the grace of God you can make it without him. There are many resources out there. Shelters and free counseling. Many women die at the hands of their abusers. I don't have the statistics but believe me. You could DIE. Get help now.

My Dead Ex Husband Stalked and Abused Me

As I write these words, a flood of emotions comes over me. I remind myself he can never hurt me again, he is dead. I am FREE. I lived in in terror and fear for my life.
I met him close to this time of year which is probably why I am up and can't sleep. I had just finished graduate school and had been living in the library for nearly 2 years writing papers. Hurrying to my brothers surprise birthday party, I had the big sign his wife had asked me to paint. My parents and sisters were all there along with his many friends. As usual, my brother was late. His wife told me, he was with his "best friend" who had kept him busy while the party preparations were being completed. Who was this "best friend" I asked? I didn't know him. "Oh, they met at the lake". Nearly 2 hours late, my brother arrived and the party began. I often wonder how my life would have been different had I just missed that party and never met his "best friend".

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!

I am so very very relieved. I have been praying and practicing every skill I have on board to hold my space and make it through today. My gratitude, gratefulness and unbelievable relief are overwhelming!!! My daughters test results are back and they are negative!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!! I have been wearing my shoulders like ear muffs and didn't know the depth of my body stress until her much awaited phone call. Thank you God!

No Way Out But...Through

When in a difficult situation whatever it is, (insert here) there is No Way Out But...Through.
We can resist, but it will persist. It's just like going to the dentist, no one else can do it for you. A solitary task! Sure, friends can support you emotionally but there is only one way out. It's like falling down a rabbit hole or jumping off the edge of a cliff. You either sprout wings or land knee deep in mud. It doesn't matter so much what the outcome...just that you learn from the experience. Liken it to a burning house, you must run through the fire to get to the other side. Trial by fire. No Way Out But...Through.

Let the Dirt Settle

It helps to have self esteem on board in keeping your power and holding your space. Our self regard in any situation plays a large part in our action or inaction and whether we are serving or sabotaging ourselves. What is it we truly want as the outcome in the situation? Can we stay above our own fray in spite of how we feel? Have we regressed to 5 years old ? Hurt and mad? Sometimes we just want to hide that vulnerable underbelly and keep our "mask on" by running away.
Are we punishing ourselves or the other person (male or female) by going away or putting on our invisibility cloak? Feeling rejected then rejecting? Sometimes "SPACE" is needed just to think things through, center and regroup. We can be our adult selves, give it time, deal, then revisit the relationship. Or, we can a cop out, manipulate and play games. When in muddy waters, take the time to let the dirt settle...then comes the clarity.