Graduation

I went to my nieces' High School Graduation last Saturday.  There were 750 plus graduates in her class and she's a W.  The day was sweltering and thankfully, the indoor stadium was cool.  We found some good seats and family and friends settled in for a reading of the long list of the Class of Graduates of 2010.

I know my niece struggled this year with some of her classes.  She worked really hard with studying, tutoring and testing for college.  My sister asked me to send up some prayers on crucial testing days. As I read the commencement program,  I was so excited and surprised to see her name listed among those graduating with honors. They had not told me.

I found my mind drifting as the Salutatorian and Valedictorian each gave their well rehearsed and well researched speeches full of famous quotes.  I was tuned out mostly.  After the graduates received their diplomas, the principal said something that stuck. It's so simple and well worth remembering.  She said she was looking forward to learning about their accomplishments as they went out into the world.  She added, "Remember, the only limits are the ones you put on yourselves." So true in life.

At our celebration dinner afterwards, I learned my niece has been awarded a scholarship to a University in another state. Her father told her early in her senior year he was not going to pay for out of state tuition.  I remember thinking he was just being tight, and he could afford it.  I realize now her did her a favor.  There is no price to be paid, or better education, than the power of the lesson she learned by what she accomplished herself.  My niece wanted to attend a University with her close friend and she found a way.  Now I understand why she worked so hard.  She had a plan, a goal and a dream.  No limits.
You go girl!

Facing the Truth

I work with a woman whose husband left her after 17 years of marriage. He left her for a younger woman almost half his age.  He left last October so she's had time to let it all sink in.  She hasn't seen or talked with him since he left.  She told me he abandoned her and their four sons.  He has sent her some money to help with the mortgage, that's about it. She's grappling with the devastating pain, anger and some denial.  She's been working two jobs and doing her best to hold her life afloat financially and emotionally.

I see the exhaustion and pain on her face. She still goes over and over her life with him, and now the pain of being without him. Why did this happen? What could she have done differently? He told her she was jealous.  I think a part of her believes him, the cad.  It's obvious she loved him deeply and therein lies the problem.  I think she's hoping he'll come back.

If we can face the truth, he's gone and she's better off.  It will take time for her to heal.  He doesn't want to be there and it's not her fault. Midlife crisis or whatever reason, he's not responsible or trustworthy. As we talked, I learned he has lied to her many times before, she just didn't want to face it.  She has held on to him, and the life they had together, hoping and praying it would work. I learned she's given away more and more of herself in a place of desperation. Now it's all come undone.

As women, it's hard to face the truth when love is alive.  My hope for her is that she can. Valuing herself as much as she did him is a start.  I may sound harsh, I told her "...no man is worth it."  She looked at me very seriously, and I could see the doubt in her eyes.  Clarity is an amazing gift we give ourselves.  I've been there, and I know of what I speak. holdyourspace  Let go of him, and set yourself free.  There's a new life waiting for you on the other side of all this agony.

Getting Real

Why is it so hard to get real and ask for what we want in a new relationship? Our feet are off of the ground and it's as close to magical as a kid at Christmas. We're in the glow of the new and floating around in the love bubble. No one wants to have it "pop" or go away.  Seems like getting real would just be a damper and  cause it all to come to an end. But, eventually, get real we must if the relationship has any chance of lasting.  


What's hardest to talk about gets put on the back burner. First it simmers then when it's beginning to boil over we have to pay attention. Our self is talking to us and we can no longer deny it for the sake of holding on to the new. Maybe we're avoiding 'cause we know it can't last if we get real and we don't want to give up the fantasy just yet.


Bite the bullet. There's no pretending. Take a risk and  talk what it is you want in the relationship.  It's the fear of taking off our mask, and being loved (or not) for who we are at our core that is at stake here. holdyourspace If you have to pretend or stuff it, you are denying the truth of who you are, and for what?  To thine own self be true. Don't settle and don't hide. The rewards are great. You deserve all the good life has for you.

Computer Malady

My computer is infected.  I haven't been able to access my email or write on my blog. It went haywire with infection warnings and I'm holding my space as best I can without access!  I 'm going through  log on withdrawals! I can use my phone, but it's just not the same as good ol' blue. I've been at a loss and realize how much I use it. I'll sit down and start to log on and sadly remember it's demise. I'm borrowing a computer to post this entry.  I guess I've been lucky. This is the first time I've had a computer down. The problem is, I'm not sure how to solve it. I'm sure I'll be able to enlist some help and hopefully, with some luck, my computer can be resurrected.

Happy Mothers Day!

To every Mother out there, Have a Happy and Very Special Day! To daughters and sons, give your Mom a BIG hug. There will come a day when she won't be there to hug and you'll have to remember how it felt. Trust me, those are very precious hugs and may need to last you a lifetime. I miss my Mom. Hug yours.

Earth Day

Today is a day (at least for me) I ask myself  "How can I take better care of our Earth and cut back on all that I throw away?" I'm doing a pretty good job of recycling my trash. I feel guilty if I don't.  I can do better, we all can if we want to. I do buy an occasional cup of Joe on the fly. All of those cups I throw away could be reduced. I found this website and added the link as we look at doing our part today. They sell a coffee cup with a top that looks like a paper cup with a plastic top. It's called the eco coffee cup. It could be the perfect answer. I'm thinking about buying it for that cup of coffee I drink when I'm out and about. Their website states that New Yorkers alone discard 200,000,000 coffee cups each year!

I'm also going to use those canvas bags I have stored in my closet. I bought them last year for my groceries and they haven't held a grocery yet.

Happy Earth Day!
check out:
www.greenfeet.com

Early Sex

I'm not talking about sex early in the morning.  I'm talking about sex early in the relationship. Early sex clouds things up and muddies the waters. It takes the relationship to a physically intimate level prematurely. You don't really know him. The budding relationship is put to rest on the back burner and beside the point. Now its the sexual tension front and center. We are no longer getting to know each other, we're now having sex. All kinds of "stuff" can surface before you know if you ever want to see this person again. Expectations you didn't know you had can raise their ugly head. You can't turn back the clock. You've crossed the line forever.  You may be living in the "Love Bubble" temporarily and loving the new buzz of the relationship. It can wear off as quickly as it started when reality sets in. Early sex shortchanges the real courting process and complicates matters. You've put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

I've heard women friends roll their eyes and say, "I wish I hadn't had sex with him so soon."  Her regret is usually for one of two reasons.

1) She's now more vulnerable. "Is he going to call?" She's feeling some panic. When he does, she's afraid he'll think less of her and just stay for the sex, or he'll go away entirely. She feels insecure. She can make up any excuse to herself as to why she did it. Was it the romance, the wine, the moment? She's given away some of her power and she knows it, since she doesn't really know him. There's no groundwork or foundation laid for the relationship. She's not sure where this is going or what his intentions are. She knows she had sex with him too soon.


2) She's finding out, after sex, the more she's getting to know him, the less she's into him. He's really serious about her, he's smitten.  He likes having sex with her and wants a long term committed relationship. He's ready to park his car in her garage, permanently. He's making all kinds of plans about their future together. She's not even sure she can see herself with him.  She's over it. She feels guilty about ending it and also feels some pressure to stay in it. He's so good to her and so is the sex. It's fun to have someone in her life. She doesn't want to lead him on and she doesn't want to hurt him. She knows she had sex with him too soon.

So HOLD YOUR SPACE instant gratification isn't all it's cracked up to be. Get to know who the person really is. Clarity is your friend. Decide if you want to have any future with him at all before you take your clothes off.

Joining the Circus

I spent the day with a long time friend (see: Mountain of Fear) who has been in the film business for over 20 years. We went to the set of a series she is working on that has not aired yet. I had never been to a set like it so it was very interesting and fun for me. I was like a wide eyed kid asking her lots of questions. The rooms had moveable plywood walls. The views outside the fictitious downtown office windows were tall skins of photographs of buildings just a few inches think. They were either for day or night up to 30' tall. It was a completely fabricated reality and a really good one. It was like we were standing in an office on the 35th floor somewhere. There were desks with personal pictures of kids and vacations. I saw hand written notes on notepads, along with plastic non functioning keyboards and computer screens. There was a brushed steel elevator door and I almost forgot there was only one floor. The sets were pretty perfect down to the last details. To us, watching at home we wouldn't give it a second thought. It all looked very real, a pretend world they bring alive. On the other side of the "rooms", there were cable cords for electricity and tall scaffolding stashed behind the pseudo walls. There were big fans and many huge lights on 20' stands. I could imagine some director Shout "ACTION!" in my head.

It was a Sunday, and since they were not shooting, only a couple of people were there. My friend was meeting a man dropping off some newly upholstered office chairs. As we were rolling them  in, the lead man said to me "Oh so she brought you here to work?" I laughed and told him, "If I ever want to see her again, I have to come to work with her!"  My friend has been working 6 days a week 14 hour days for several months. I was fascinated by the sets as I walked around in amazement. She smiled and told me, "Being in the film business is just like joining the circus." Sometimes she travels and leaves town for months to work on a film out of state. Each job is a microcosm of another world, an alternate reality. I know it's sometimes grueling hard work and requires intense teamwork. She always has a deadline and is working against the clock to stay ahead of the next scene. Some of the things she has to come up with in a day baffle my mind. She may need 5 antique pinball machines or 30 airplane seats or 6 turnstyles or 100 oil barrels. She's good at what she does that's why she's in such demand. It's the entertainment business. It's full of mystery and intrigue, with a tight knit select group working behind the scenes to make it all happen. It's like using smoke and mirrors. They pull it all together and make magic as they weave each story line together. 

Just like a circus, it's on with the show! I look forward to seeing this one on my screen at home.

True Love

They were just kids when this was taken, and I'm not sure if they were married yet. My Dad loves this pic, with my Mom sitting on a donkey and drinking a Texas Longneck. I know it was a party somewhere near San Antone. They were in Love then and he Loves her still. We miss you Mom and Happy Birthday!!

Extension Anyone?

Yes, It's tax day. It crept up on me. I was doing so well with them. I diligently worked on my taxes back in March and they're close to completion. Then I just let them sit. Why? Who knows. I guess it was the dredges that I didn't want to deal with. I was shocked yesterday when I received an email from Turbo Tax that stated, 2 more days. I thought they were offering a special price on their software. What was I thinking?

Looks like I'm filing an extension. For any of you out there in my position, you can download and print an extension form to mail from www.irs.gov, or pick one up at the post office or library. You can efile free at irs.gov or pay to efile through turbo tax.com.

Good Luck with completion!

You Can Fly

I received an update from my friend who was struggling over her breakup back in January, a few long months ago. (See: Love Sick) She writes:

"I have been able FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER; to cut Bill (name changed) off-without having that anxious, I'm going to die without him feeling. I have not had the urge to call or text him. I told him that I was finally at the point where I could let him go and let us both move on. Since that time I have not contacted him in any way. I do think of him still every day, but without the need to call or text or write anything. The dysfunction I was feeling seems to be going away. I am not as stressed about things. I was having some impatient moods, but that seems to be subsiding. I am so happy about this. I feel like a caterpillar in my cocoon. By the summer I hope to break out as a beautiful butterfly."

I include her words, with her permission, as a help to other women struggling with the ending of a relationship. Time and distance do heal a broken heart.

My friend has worked hard to move on. She has grieved, been angry and hurt over this man. She also attributes some of her progress to a meditation and relaxation CD she has been listening to. I pass this information on to anyone it may help. Hold Your Space

I Get You

My friend of about 14 years is going through a court proceeding. In an effort to support her, I went with her for an added boost of "friend". She's been there with me. Being in the courtroom brought back many memories for me of my NINE and a half years of divorce litigation. I married a meth and coke addicted crazy man. It took me that long to get a divorce.

I didn't know these things when I married him because I didn't wait long enough to get to know who he really was. I was swept away by his kindness and generosity. He was wonderful to me and my children and I thought he was a dream come true. It was, in fact, a very long nightmare.

I had just finished graduate school. I'd spent the last three years in serious study, working, in class, or in the library researching and writing papers. Not much fun. I met him at my brothers' surprise birthday party. He was my brothers' new best friend. He was 11 years younger than I was and so much fun. I didn't see that as a red flag. I felt like I had crawled out of a cave and into the light of day. We were so happy together, but it didn't last.

Yes, I married a possessive, obsessive, abusive, very wealthy, drug addicted crazy man. Of course I didn't know all of this when I married him. There's a lot to be said for waiting until you really get to know someone before walking down the aisle. It didn't take long for the truth to reveal itself. I had stepped into the twilight zone and there was no easy way out. I narrowly escaped in the middle of the night after just six months of marriage. I was running scared with my son and found refuge at my parents home. I couldn't believe this had become my life. I later went away to Canada for several months and moved four times. He could always find me.

I kept my address as my parents on all my employer, bank, billing and credit card information, including my drivers license. I didn't want where I was living or anything about me in any computer system. The post office had already given him my second address. I would pick up my mail once a week at my parents. I was in hiding. I lost contact with some of my friends because I disappeared like I was in a witness protection program. I was running scared and I isolated out of fear for my life. It was often a lonely time, although I stayed connected so my family knew I was OK. I learned to Hold My Space or lose my mind.

I paid the price of untold stress, looking over my shoulder, and fearing for my safety for nine and a half years. He had pushed me around, broken things, torn up my clothes and thrown my purse with my car keys into the pool so I couldn't leave. He ran me off the road on a big city freeway. He not only kept me against my will, he later found me and just came through my front door. It was 3:00 am, I was deep in sleep and he broke down the front door completely, trim and all. It's taken me a very long time to get a good nights' sleep after that experience. I had many many nightmares and it was all very traumatic. I had gotten myself into this horrible nightmare and I was doing my best to get out. I was on the ropes much of the time and felt constantly terrorized. I was working and doing my best to keep my head on straight. I had to become resourceful in order to stay ahead of him. I didn't think like he did and never knew where he was coming from. It was hard to relax.

Because of all of his money he thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. He thought he owned me. I had stepped into another world with different rules. His family was prominent, powerful and very wealthy. There were private jets, private boxes for sporting events, balls and galas, racehorses, race cars, a racing boat, a 53 foot yacht, lake house, vacation homes and on and on... His mother had a million dollar diamond ring. He had great legal representation, the best money could buy. His family protected him. They didn't want anything "bad" to go down on his record even though I know they knew he was guilty.

I called the police, filed criminal charges and had a protective order. It didn't matter. He wouldn't go away. I knew he carried a gun and one time, the police stopped him for speeding and took him to jail. That just made him more angry at me. It was a violation of the protective order. Finally, on another violation, the judge found him guilty of assaulting me and breaking the protective order again. He had crashed an iron lamp into my head causing a concussion. He was fined, ordered to stay away from me, and serve 2 years probation.

I moved 4 times. The last time was to a high rise with tight 24 hour security and cameras. It's like a fortress. My daughter called it "The Lock Inn." The detective investigating my case said "Lady you need a place with 24 hour security and cameras, this guy can get in where most people can't." I can sleep now, but not because of where I live, it's because he's dead.

Two months, almost to the day, after my trial and divorce was over, he died in a snowmobile accident. His family has a 12 bedroom vacation home on a lake they own up North. I researched newspaper articles in the city where he died. I read he failed to navigate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. It said the people with him tried to revive him at the scene, but he was dead on impact of massive head injuries. I did not feel sad at all, although I never wished him any harm. I was just relieved. I felt the weight of the world off of me and I could finally relax. My life was mine again. I knew I would never have to look over my shoulder or be afraid he would find me, hurt me or hurt anyone close to me. I was free of him and grateful to have made it through all of it alive.

When I explained to my friend last week, "There will be a lot of sitting and waiting on benches and other people will be making decisions about your life. So just let go, pray and do your best to stay centered, it will be a long process. You have no control, you'll get through it and be stronger on the other side." She looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I get you." She knows I've been there.
HOLD YOUR SPACE

I write this to help anyone out there who may be going through something similar. There is help. If you have small children, there are shelters to protect you. Go there. Do not take a chance by staying. Death is permanent. Get out now and don't go back no matter what he tells you. Many women are murdered each year by their abusers. Your children need you and you don't want to be a statistic.

Go to this link www.ndvh.org  for information or call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) for 24/7 anonymous and confidential help. They have a "quick escape" program.

Getting Away

Sometimes relaxing and getting away is crucial to healing and moving forward. The ocean has always been healing for me and has helped me to balance and recenter. I'm making a plan to get away this summer, I'm overdue. My day to day life can be so full of "hurry up" that I can't seem to keep up with myself. I know I need to make a plan to rest, recharge and HOLD MY SPACE to integrate it all. We all do. I need to get off of the hectic merry go round that can be my life and chill. Getting away to the ocean is like a reboot for my heart, mind and soul. Relax and let go. I'll decompress by the water and begin again with a renewed and rejuvenated perspective. Join with me and plan your Get Away.

Follow Your Star

I had dinner last night with a dear friend who has a beautiful voice. Like many of us, she had put her dream on the back burner and let it slowly fade away. Marriage, career and the hurried pace we all keep got in her way. It so happens she's been divorced for several years, she's in love and as life would have it, she's currently between jobs.

We met a couple of years ago and when I heard about her dream to sing, I began to ask her, and encourage her and later even downright pester her, not only to pursue her dream of a singing career, but to take voice lessons. I was excited when she recently texted me about her first voice lesson. I learned last night, she is continuing with voice lessons and is putting together songs for a CD. She paid me the biggest compliment when she told me no one had ever encouraged her to take voice lessons. She said without me "nudging her" she probably would not have done it.

I've learned we just need someone in our corner, spurring us on, to go ahead and Follow Our Star. It helps to have someone who not only believes we can do it, but also wants it for us. I am so proud of her. When she told me with a big smile on her face, "I was meant to sing!" I got chills! It's her heart's desire. It's never too late to start living your dream and there's no time like now. Whatever it is, begin today to find and Follow Your Star!

Hold Your Space and Hold on to Your Dream.

No Boundaries vs. Walls

I had no boundaries and he had walls. It took a few months of therapy for me to wrap my mind around that one. I wanted it to work. I was supportive of his needs with his career while I gave up having one of my own. I loved him the way I wanted him to love me. I know many women have followed this path. We met in college, I didn't finish and I worked to put him through his last year. It was our plan and we were a team.

I was a stay at home Mom. I became an excellent personal assistant and life coach. I taught him which fork to use. We strategized, planned and discussed his career. I was there for him at his beck and call. I loved him. I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be a good wife. I learned this from my Mom and it had worked for my parents.

I used my design skills and remodeled several homes while my children were little and at home. We made a substantial profit on each one. The last one was pretty fantastic. We had a maid, pool men, gardeners and later a cook. I gave great dinner parties, selected his clothing, and made polite cocktail conversation. Showed up whenever he needed me like I'd been resting all day. The perfect wife, every mans' most important accessory.

Things rolled along pretty smoothly and we had close to a perfect life. As he made more and more money and became more successful, I felt something slipping. He didn't need me anymore. He had all the power. He emotionally left the partnership we had. I felt it at my core. I lived with the uneasy feeling I didn't matter to him anymore. As I write this, I feel the pain of remembering how hurt and lost I felt. He was making big deals and lots of money. I was no longer a part of it. He didn't confide in me anymore. He was absorbed in making the deals. I remember wanting to spend more time with him and asking him what it would take. His response was one I'll never forget. He told me how hard he worked and that he bought me a Mercedes, diamond ring and a fur coat, What else did I want? Why wasn't I happy? I felt like I'd created a Frankenstein and I didn't know him anymore.

I started a part time interior design business. Despite his protestations, I worked while the kids were in school. He said "What? Don't you have enough money?" One day he came home and told me, almost as an afterthought, "Oh , you're out of business." The accountants had shut down my budding business. He said I just wasn't making enough money to warrant staying open. I remember having several outstanding orders and feeling very deflated, embarrassed and undermined. (Later, in the divorce, he took my remaining inventory, my wonderful pieces, as community property.)

We were spending good money in therapy for him to manage me. In one particular session, the topic was very strained. I had forgotten to pick up his shirts and he wanted a particular shirt for the next day. The therapist suggested he pick up his own shirts or we have them delivered. His face showed his surprise and dismay. He didn't want to go to her anymore. He said he thought she was a lesbian. He began to question her education since she hadn't completed her Phd.

I started going to therapy alone and working on myself. I realized how much of me I had given away for the relationship. I had lost myself. I had wanted to hold on to the relationship at any cost. It had happened so slowly, and over time, I just didn't realize it. I worked on getting stronger and regaining my self esteem. The therapist told me something to the effect of, ...when you plant a tree inside a house, and nurture it, you don't know just how big it will grow. Sometimes it grows through the roof.

I was shaking the day I filed for a divorce. My heart was beating like a rabbit. I wrote a ten thousand dollar check to retain my attorney. I had two small children and no idea how I was going to support us. I didn't have a degree. I knew it would be hard and I didn't care. I was suffocating. I was sick a lot and I didn't even know what color I liked anymore. I had become indecisive and unsure of myself. He told me I was a bad mother and wife and I was beginning to believe him. I knew it would be a battle to leave, and I couldn't stay. I had panic attacks and I felt crazy. I was moving from the asset column to becoming a liability, in his thinking. He told me he'd destroy me and I would beg him to take me back. He said I was a frustrated emotional housewife with no backbone. I was scared, but his words spurred me on.

Our divorce went to trial because he wanted one. My lawyer said he was trying to take the kids to get my attention off of the money. I didn't care about the money. I remember when we rolled pennies to buy a 6 pack of beer to go to a party. He had forgotten that. The trial was hard to get through. He wanted to declare me unfit and he thought he had the power to do it. In the end, I was awarded sole custody of my kids and child support. I learned to let go of stuff and signed over the house. I was free. Today, I know it was worth every struggle.

I offer my story, although not the end, to anyone it may help. I've learned relationships are a balance. The most important one you have is with yourself and your God. Boundaries are very important to retaining one's sense of self while in an intimate relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Loving someone else doesn't mean you give yourself away.

I can't give expecting anything in return or I'll lose. Without yourself you have nothing. To thine own self be true. You can do just about anything you set your mind to accomplish. No one is coming to rescue me, take me away or make everything OK. It's up to me, and I can love and be loved along the way.

My transformation was from a hothouse flower into a mighty oak! I've learned to Hold My Space.

Happy Easter!

Today, like Christmas, is a day filled with many happy childhood and family memories for most of us. Sunny days, pastel colors, hats, a new dress and shoes comes to mind. One year, Mom dressed all of us alike. My youngest sister had to wear that same style dress for years. On a typical morning, we found our Easter baskets, ate too much candy and went to church. Mom told us the Easter bunny rode a bike and we believed her. We'd look for tracks in the sand. After lunch, we had an Easter egg hunt. Our parents would hide the eggs while we stayed inside. I remember anxiously waiting to be set free to run looking in the yard. We scrambled for the big prize, the golden egg. It could have as much as a dollar inside.

Dad took movies of us each Easter. Those old films are fun to watch. The color is amazing. I realize now they were all outside at Easter, or birthday parties, since Dad didn't have inside lights to film. (say at Christmas when it was cold) Seeing my Mom brings back a big wave of the love she had for us. We miss her. Easter was her favorite holiday and this is our second one without her here. We're still struggling since her passing has been just over a year. She would not want us to be sad. Knowing that helps me to remember how lucky we are to have had her.

We're having slushes today to celebrate. They are Moms' colorful creative concoction, a frozen fruit drink with vodka! She made them in pink, aqua and red for Christmas. Happy Easter!

You Don't Own Me

Ever felt like a possession? Not a good feeling. It's been my experience that the same guy who wants to control where you go and who you spend your time with, will also use abandonment to control you.

Has it become a problem when you want to spend time going out with your girlfriends? For me, that was a problem as well as doing something that included people besides just the two of us. He wasn't in control and I think he was threatened. If I went out without him, then he was not "available" later, when I might want to touch base with him. It felt like a punishing tactic he used. I learned it worked. I wasn't following his plan. He wasn't flexible. It became too much of a hassle for me to keep carving out time away from him. I learned something always happened when I made plans. I wasn't doing what he wanted me to.

If you are experiencing any of this, HOLD YOUR SPACE and pay attention to what you are feeling. Are you afraid you'll lose him or there will be consequences if you have a life separate from him and make your own choices? That's a problem and if you can't work it out, he's not worth it. Don't allow your world to become so small you lose your perspective like I did and can't see the forest for the trees.

Earth Hour

Today is Earth Hour Day. An hour is dedicated to raising awareness about climate change. It's a lesson in saving our Mother Earth by conserving energy. It takes place tonight, the last Saturday evening in March, from 8:30 to 9:30 pm local time. If you want to be a part of it, turn off your non essential lights. Billions of people will participate as it sweeps around the globe from New Zealand to Hawaii. Landmarks across the planet will be darkened as well.

Here's a link with more information on Earth Hours history and purpose as well as how you can participate. www.earthhour.com

Sea Monkies and The Gallery

I snapped this pic at a gallery downtown. It was a silent auction to benefit the environment. The title of the show was "Horrors of the Enchanted Wasteland." My piece is the Life Magazine cover in the background. Things were pretty slow. In a moment, a group of about twenty luminous pink Sea Monkies came cruising in as if they were going unnoticed and in street clothes. They walked through the gallery together looking at the pieces displayed. They were a very unusual alienlike presence. There were so many of them, they took over the space. It was fun to watch the reaction and amazement of the the people already in the gallery when they first noticed them.

The Sea Monkies costumes were identical and the details were executed to perfection. They each had a podlike bulbous pouch on the front, male or female, as if they were pregnant. Their feet were about 20" long. The Sea Monkies perused the gallery in near silence, talking amongst themselves about the art. It was Halloween. I spoke with one of them getting a drink at the bar. I learned they all work together for a large creative corporation. A group of professionals. Each year they design a costume and go out together to celebrate. I like this picture. It brings a smile to my face remembering them. They Held Their Space.

True That

True That Love is a wonderful thing. True That Love is the answer. True That Love Heals. True That there is plenty to go around. True That we all need it. True That From the Heart. True That relationships are often hard. True That balance is good. True That we each are self centered, we want our own way. True That if we change our point of view, it's better than we thought. True That our minds are powerful. True That Time Heals. True That we take a lot for granted. True That Health is a blessing and is the greatest gift of all. True That worry is a waste of time. True That letting go is the hardest and the easiest thing to do. True That feeling peaceful is a choice. True That we all deserve freedom and food. True That prayer is powerful. True That we are all one. True That War is not the answer. True That God is Good. True That there are many ways up the mountain. True That Your Light Shines on the world. True That a Champion resides in each one of us. True That Friendship is Gold. True That it all works out. True That Life is Fragile. True That Death is Certain. True That no one leaves here alive. True that we each depart this world alone.

Getting Started

I purchased these beautiful pastels and they just arrived in the mail. They are made in Switzerland and are water soluble. The colors are so vivid they remind me of Spring and new beginnings. ( It's snowing today in Texas and on the first day of Spring, weird ) I'm a tad intimidated to get started. They look so perfect it's kind of hard to mess them up! No more Excuses. It's time to get them on paper.

I haven't done anything with my art for a long time. ( ok, a Bird and a Fish I did draw) I bought more than a hundred feet of cotton paper over a year ago. It has been standing in a corner of my closet. I keep putting it off and waiting until I think I have the time. When will that be? I'm Procrastinating. I have lots of ideas that stay in my head, like creative constipation. As my son says, "...nothin' to it but to do it." I'm finally taking the action to make it happen. I'm Holding My Space in the flow of action and new beginnings.

St Paddy's Day

St. Patricks' Day, March 17th, signals the end of winter. The day we celebrate, March 17th, is the day of his passing. (387-461) Lore has it that after this day you can plant your garden without fear of frost. St Patrick, the patron Saint of Ireland, was not originally from there. Patrick was born in Britain and was the son of a wealthy deacon. He was captured by Irish raiders at sixteen and taken to Ireland where he worked as a slave for six years. Patrick's spiritual life began during the time he was captured. He worked alone as a shepherd on a mountainside and began a life of prayer. Patrick escaped to France, possibly with the help of some people he had befriended. He studied there and became a Priest.

Once Patrick became a Bishop, he was sent to Ireland to convert the Irish people to Christianity. Many were Druids and considered pagans. He knew the language and taught the Irish using some of the mysticism he learned while he lived in Ireland as a slave. He explained the Holy Trinity, using a shamrock to symbolize The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the 3 parts of the one. Patrick is known to have held up a Shamrock to save himself from the King. His was the only bloodless spiritual conversion in history. The Lucky Shamrock was a symbol that worked for him. Wear your green today in honor of St Patrick.

The Ides of March

Beware the Ides of March, or March 15th. I do know that Julius Caesar was betrayed today in 44 BC. He was murdered in the Roman Senate by conspirators. The famous line "e tu Brute'?" Like, even you Brutus? Has everyone turned against me? Seems like it was so. Julius had been warned by a sage to Beware the Ides of March.

We've all been there and felt the sting and pain and just how bad betrayal is. We usually don't even see it coming. The depth of the relationship is a gauge for how bad the betrayal hurts. It's just never the same after being betrayed. It can be by a a lover, friend, boss, or family member. There's usually a secret and a lie involved. Trust is broken in a way that often there is no going back to before. Ask Caesar.

Birthday Shoes

I found these shoes yesterday and I'm pretty excited about them! They are a birthday gift for a dear friend. If they were my size it would be hard to give them up! My fingers are crossed that she'll like them. I hope they are funky enough and not too "granny." They were unearthed at Salvation Army and I paid a whopping 27.99 for them. The price is indelibly marked on the bottom of each sole with a bright green marker. No mistaking where they came from and we'll laugh about it! She'll have to be careful where she puts her feet up.

They are Bellini, I'm not sure how old. The color is a rich gold leather, (which she likes) and they are in next to mint condition. The curvy textured snakeskin attachment in gold and black on the front is a statement maker!

Time Changes Everything

Time Changes Everything. Like when we get up tomorrow. Spring Forward. What I'm saying is, it changes many things. I still love chocolate and shoes. There's a purse or skirt or chair I had to have that isn't so great anymore. It's true with men, too. My taste is different. My experience over time is what changed me. I make better choices. I learned a lot and I grew up.

Time does change ones' perspective. (I have more low lights now) What was important to me, not so much anymore. My time is spent much more wisely. Priorities. I know Time is precious. I have a smaller circle of a few dear friends. I've grown to be my own person. I know myself and speak my mind with less filter or I keep my mouth shut. I Love my freedom and friends and family. (and the beach) Time has not changed that.

Spring for Shoes

I usually write about relationships and getting through breakups. My goal is to help anyone with what I've learned. On a lighter note, today it's nearly Spring and a great time for new beginnings. I've been Spring cleaning and clearing out for new and greater additions to my closet. I love going to flea markets, thrift stores and garage sales to locate that perfect and unique treasure. I love shoes! There are many great finds out there. Here are some I discovered and just couldn't pass up. Like a hunter showing off her prize, here they are. I was thrilled to find these!

They were $12.00 at a thrift store. Inside they are brown leather, and say Stuart Weitzman for Martinque Made in Spain in Gold. They are raw silk and have peep toes. I have no idea how old they are. They are in perfect shape and a great fit! I'm thinking Easter!

visit seaofshoes.com for shoes and great fashion.

Survival Tools: The Breakup

Surviving the Breakup. If you are like me, the breakup like any major loss, is all consuming. You forget to take care of yourself. You just don't care and feel immobilized. Care you must, you're all you've got. This is a Basic Survival List of what I've learned that helped me get to the other side of grieving.

1. Eat Healthy Foods. Make a list and stock your frig. Get a friend to go for you if you are feeling bedridden and can't leave your house. You must eat. Avoid junk food and sugar. Fresh, live foods are best. Add in some protein. It will help to keep your blood sugars stable and you to feel better. Take care of your body.

2. Drink Water it's cleansing. Avoid alcohol, it won't help you and will just add in a hangover. Too much coffee or caffeinated tea will make your heart race and you don't need that. (It can add to panic) Just a cup in the morning to avoid a big headache. Fresh juices are good too. Drink lots of water to hydrate your cells and flush out the toxins.

3. Move. Make yourself take a walk outside. No excuses. Breathe in the fresh air. Be Grateful. It's not a brain tumor, it's a breakup. Cry if you need to, it's a release, and will help you let it go. The crazy feelings come from trying to hold it in. Let go of trying to control.

4. Breathe. It will help to calm you. if you feel panic, begin to teach yourself to get calm and center. Breathe again. It will bring oxygen to your cells and help your body relax. Ground. Imagine yourself strong like a tree with roots deep into the earth to steady and ground you. It's the shallow breathing and resulting stress of flight or fight that can be overwhelming.

5. Thought Stopping. It's a cognitive tool so you don't spend your day thinking about him. You have 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening to ruminate and obsess about him. That's all. Create a boundary with your thoughts so they will not consume your day. Avoid talking endlessly with your friends about him, it can keep you stuck. Let them support you and be there for you. Talk about how you feel and a plan to move on. They can help.

6. Call for help. If you need to find a therapist to sort it through, make the call. You will be lead to the right person to help you. It can help to make sense of your choices and your patterns. The breakup can feel like an out of body experience. If you feel panic and overwhelmed they can help you center and gain some perspective. You are not crazy. You will heal. Trust that.

7. Rest. It is key to your healing. Let your body rejuvenate. Take care of it. Take a shower, relax. Take a bath, relax. The water will help to calm your emotions and soothe you. Focus on rest and taking care of yourself. Get a calming CD and listen to it. Nurture and Love yourself. You've been through a lot and it's traumatic.

8. Pray. Prayer is powerful. Ask for help and guidance. It will come. Sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Be aware and be willing to follow it.

9. Think about what you want. Visualize it. Where do you want to be? Write about it in your journal. Create and visualize the life you want to lead and what you want in it. Your thoughts are powerful. You are creating your life with every thought you think. Make it what you want.

10. Trust yourself. Listen to the voice inside you that is guiding you. It is your wisdom. Rely on it to lead you. HOLD YOUR SPACE for all the good life has for you and align with it.

Your Heart Aches

It's over but you're not over him. You may think about him and what could have been way too much throughout the day. You may feel panic at being alone and without him in your life. Why didn't it work? You feel stuck and miserable. It's like an altered state. You miss him and what you had together. Your heart aches and you long for him. You feel rejected even if you're the one that ended it. It's a hard time and you will get through it.

The relationship looks better when you're not in it and on your own. You forget the real reasons it didn't work. Think about those things. Maybe you didn't want to listen to yourself. Now it's time. It wasn't all your fault or all his. Maybe you just weren't a good fit. Instead of going a lot farther down the road, it's over now. You saved yourself more heartache and time.

Bring a little reality into the mix and don't put a halo on him or on you. Do your best to look at the facts. What were the things you know in your gut were the real deal breakers? What were the red flags you tried to overlook? What can you learn about yourself? What will you do different in a future relationship? Keep a journal. You'll be able to see your progress on the pages.

Look at your life and past relationships. How did you get through those endings? What helped you move forward and let go? Move forward you will. You can go kicking and screaming or just go. As trite as it sounds, time does heal all wounds.
And so will you.

Rainbow Days

Today was gray and rainy. We gave a luncheon for 24 people. Thankfully, I wasn't caught in the rain until after it was over. On my way home from work, the sun popped out. I took this picture while in the left turn lane and pulled over to get a better picture. The rainbow was gone in an instant as the sun retreated behind the clouds.

A picture of a rainbow never does it justice. They are so large and beautiful in real life. I've always felt they were lucky so I'm posting this pic to pass on the luck.

P.S. The Gold at the end of this rainbow is Neiman Marcus.

Let It Ride

I have a friend, she's actually a longtime friend of my good friend. She's been in a relationship for over 3 years with a man 20 years her senior. She has wanted to marry him and hoped he would propose. She's been the lovely woman on his arm for many functions all over the city. She is the perfect hostess and has waited patiently for him to put a ring on her finger. He is a wealthy man, a widower and he has grown children not much younger than she is.

They broke up for a brief period not long ago and she met a handsome European man close to her age. She and Mr. Euro saw each other many evenings and she fell for him. They had great chemistry and fit well together. They even had their businesses in common. It was looking promising, until she began to hear from the older man and went back to him. She tried to keep them both without being completely honest with either. I smelled disaster. She was being duplicitous and it bit her bad. Now she has neither one.

It didn't work with the older man for the same reasons it never did. She told Mr. Euro the truth and he would not return her calls after she came clean. She called, texted and then (UH OH) went to his house and knocked on the door. His parents were visiting from abroad and were there to open the door. He was not. They made pleasantries (his parents do not speak much English) and she went on her way. She texted him again that her circumstances had changed and has heard "not a word". I was told she was "coming unraveled" and going to his house uninvited was a sure sign she was desperate.

When asked my advice. I passed on: Let It Ride. Do not text, call, write or show up on his door step! If there is any chance she will hear from him, it will be after his parents have left town and he has time to digest her misdeeds. If he can forgive the fact that she had been lying to him throughout many of their fun and romantic times together, there's a slim chance she may hear from him. I doubt it.

Once you have betrayed a man, trust is toast. If you are sleeping with two men at the same time, and lying about it, you get what you deserve. I may sound like a hard ass. You cheat yourself with the lie. The lesson is hard and one well worth learning.

HOLD YOUR SPACE and Let It Ride. It's your own forgiveness you need.

He Looks Good On Paper

Ever been with someone who has all the traits you are looking for but it's not working? He's handsome, successful, you have some chemistry and similar values. Your parents would love him. He looks good on paper (check check check) but somethings missing?

It's hard to end a relationship like this. Sometimes he's really into you and it flatters your ego. You love the compliments and good company. You tend to ask yourself what's wrong with me? Why do I want to end this and send this great person on his way? Well, integrity for one. You don't want to waste your time or his by leading him on. If you can't shift him into the good friend role, it's better to be alone than hang on hoping something will shift in you.

He doesn't match up with your insides and it's OK. There's a missing link between the two of you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Spend some time getting to know yourself better, then you'll have more clarity on who's the right person for you.

A Terrier with a Garden Hose

Taxes, I dread them. We all have to file them and I'm just getting started for this year. It would not be so difficult if I were better organized and did not procrastinate. I push myself for motivation. As I begin I'm reminded of this story of Jingles.

We had a dog named Jingles who loved to tear up garden hoses. Our home was on an acre and we had no sprinkling system. Hoses were a must to keep the yard green and well maintained in the hot Texas sun.

Jingles was obsessed with hoses. If I was in a hurry and forgot to remove even a sliver from his grasp, the hose was toast when I returned. He could make short order of a fairly expensive garden hose in an afternoon. It was a battle of wits with the dog. I often lost due to my preoccupation and a hectic schedule.

The obsessive terrier would chew hoses into 2 foot sections and leave them scattered all over the yard. I still have a visual of him tearing the hose with reckless abandon and total glee. He pounced on hoses as if they were some evil life threatening creature lurking in the yard. He was our fearless protector. Once he had won the battle and started on a hose, I just let him finish his job of totally tearing it up. It was frustrating to lose another hose but entertaining to watch. He looked like he was spring loaded and bolted several feet off the ground as he frolicked and chewed. He was just a blur of brown and white fur. The terrier would shake his head side to side no less than twenty times in a row as fast as you can imagine as he ripped each section methodically. He was an expert and he was thorough.

I leave you with this visual of Jingles. When I think of him (may he rest in peace) I smile and know that any task I have ahead of me, no matter how daunting, (even taxes) I can tackle it with a fervor. Like a terrier with a garden hose.

Dandy Andy

Dandy Andy

On my to do list...

There is an exhibit of Andy Warhols work from the 1980s "Andy Warhol: The Last Decade Exhibition and Programs" It is showing at The Modern in Fort Worth, through May 16th and I hear it is a "must see". Check it out online http//www.themodern.org

Abandonment: It's Complicated

Abandonment: It's complicated. Ever ended a relationship that just wasn't working and then felt like you were losing your mind? An otherwise stable woman reduced to an emotional basket case full of fear, panic and indecision?

Attachment is how we bond. It's also what makes it so hard to end a relationship. Abandonment and fear can kick in whether you are the person who ended it or not. It's what happens after you know you've done what's right for you by ending it. Ever felt a flood of terror overtaking you like the world is coming to an end? You're alone and it's scary. You become unsure of your decision, then you want to take it back. You can't go on like this without him. If there was some financial security in the relationship that throws another complication into the mix. Those intense feelings you are experiencing are abandonment not the depth of your love.

When feeling this overwhelming fear you question yourself. Did I make a mistake? You want him back. He may have moved on and doesn't want you back. That feeling of rejection adds an even bigger whammy! You feel desperate! You feel like an emotional wreck, a crazy person.

The level of absolute terror you are experiencing may feel like you are being pushed off of a cliff. You can't breathe and can't think. You feel immobilized and crippled with panic. You obsess about him. You replay the minutia of the relationship over and over again in your head. Maybe it was really all your fault. You feel like a shaky addict and he is your drug. You want it back like it was. You may call him and that may make it better for a moment. You may feel worse about yourself after calling. You feel desperate, you're spinning out of control. Groveling does not work. If you do, it will take you to a new low with your self esteem flatter than a pancake. Groveling is not an option. HOLD YOUR SPACE Retain some of your dignity. You'll be glad later when you have some clarity and feel grounded again.

Chill and breathe, it's not him you are in love with, it's you that needs to heal. These overwhelming feelings and absolute panic are not love. It's the severed attachment, and the resulting abandonment you feel. He has met a need in you and now he's gone. It's like an addiction and you think he is the cure. Focus. Look at what you know about the relationship and why it didn't work. That is real.

Your task is to begin to heal the part of you inside that's wounded and only you can do it. Friends, family and a professional can help and you'll get there. Prayer helps too. Look at your pattern of being in relationships. Do you go back into it rather than facing moving on alone? Do you fill the void with another relationship with no time to grieve in between? Is it hard for you be alone? The part of you that bonded so strongly to him is Attachment, the resulting terror and panic is Abandonment. Your task is developing healthy boundaries and loving yourself. You can't be healthy with someone else until you can stand on your own two feet. Then it's your choice to be in a relationship rather than filling an empty need. HOLD YOUR SPACE
You can do it.

Blame It On The Oxytocin

Ever slept with "your" guy for the first time and felt really bad afterwards? You've had the sexual tension build up. You finally consummate the deal only to feel totally vulnerable and overly sensitive? It's not the morning after glow you'd been hoping for. Is your objectivity gone? Is your confidence wavering? Are you feeling unsure of yourself? Blame it on the Oxytocin.

It's the hormonal bonding element that (I speculate) keeps the species going by having women bond to men. Yes, it is a chemical secreted in the pituitary gland during and/or after sex. Men can pollinate many flowers and few have the same super glue bonding experience. It's sex to them. To us, it feels like the glow of love...'til the next morning.

Make your choices wisely. Get clear about what you want. Talk about it. Get to know who he is, not who you want him to be. Avoid your unspoken expectations by learning what kind of relationship you both want. Lay the groundwork. Talk about it and be on the same page before the Oxytocin is released. HOLD YOUR SPACE You'll save yourself some heartache.

A Bird and a Fish

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they live? Opposites do attract. It happens often, and it seems so right at first. When reality does set in, it's smart to look at the truth.

Are we too different to build a life together? On the flip side, what can we learn from each other? Are our differences really too much to overcome? Can we meet in the middle? Otherwise, will we have to bend so much that one of us may drown and the other be left flipping on the bank and gasping for air?

Do your best to see things from the other persons' perspective, if you can. We all want to be understood. If not, move on, don't waste time, you'll take with you what you've learned from the relationship. The lessons learned will help you when you're in one that doesn't require so much work.

You'll Never Walk Alone

It may feel like you're alone and you may be afraid at times, but you are not. If you are going into court, a job interview, job review, chemo, surgery, giving a speech, whatever is big time scary at the moment, it's OK.  Take with you all the wisdom you already know and the energy of those who love you. Take your spiritual knowing and your trust that you are being guided and protected. They are all there with you. HOLD YOUR SPACE.  You are on your path. Remember to breathe through the event, be present and know that all is well. You will not be shot by a firing squad, you will live to see the other side. There is no way out but through. It will soon be over, and you are not alone.

Glamour Girl

My Mom was so very elegant I just had to post this pic. (click on it to make it bigger) She worked for a well known photographer when she moved to The City in Texas. He's the man on the right who mentored her. She learned to photograph and hand paint or aqua tint photographs since there was no color back then. (Mom tinted the photo of she and Paint that follows) Mom thought the world of him. Although Mom had many suitors, she met and later married my Dad not long after this was taken. Dad was in the first class of jet fighter pilots, a Yankee and new to the state. (see Headwinds and Tailwinds for his pic) It's a little bit of history.

Paint: The Wonder Horse

Mom and Paint

We heard lots of stories about Paint when I was growing up. My Mom loved this horse. She said when one of their mares was pregnant her Dad said "...now when that colt is born he'll be yours." Mom said she couldn't wait 'til the day came when he was born. She was there in the middle of the night and took care of him from the beginning. They grew up together and were quite a pair. I can't remember how old Mom said she was the day Paint was born. Mom rode Paint to school every day and tied him up outside while she was in class. It was a country school in a small Texas hill country town with combined grades. Their land bordered the Johnson ranch, and one of her brothers was LBJs best friend growing up.

Mom told us one day after school she was riding home and when she leaned to open the gate to their ranch, the saddle flipped to the side. Mom held on but when the saddle fell under Paints belly, she had to let go. Paint went running home without her. She dusted herself off and walked home. Mom had forgotten to tighten Paints' girth after she got out of school. She said her Dad was so worried when Paint came running in because he knew what a good rider she was. Then he saw the saddle under Paint and he knew what had happened.

Mom had baby lambs, goats, calves and her dog named Ring. She was great with animals and loved them all. She said the little Banty roosters were the most fun to watch, prancing around. Her favorite was her pet squirrel. Mom found it when it was a baby and fed it with an eye dropper to keep it alive. She said it didn't have any fur on it at all when she found it. It was so tame it would stay in her pocket and then on her shoulder when it got bigger. It played and lived in the orchard they called the North 40 while Mom was at school. Her brothers were hunting one day and Moms' brothers friend shot it without knowing it was hers. Mom was devastated when she saw what was happening. She tried to stop them ran after them, and screamed at them. Her brother yelled, "No..it's my sisters!" It was too late. She said they were so mean they skinned it, cooked it and ate it in front of her.

I know it was hard for Mom growing up with five older brothers. They teased her and played tricks on her all the time. Her mother died when she was only fifteen and she had already lost two older sisters. The only woman in a ranch home with six big German men. She learned to be a strong and independent young woman who had to think for herself. She learned how to Hold Her Space early on. I don't know how she turned out to be so elegant and feminine without any older women around to guide her. She just was.

Mom left school after her mother died to help her Dad with the duties of the ranch and home. These days she wouldn't have had to make that choice at just 15. They already had a family who lived in a house on the ranch to help run it and hired help in the home. Maybe Mom was grief stricken to lose her Mother and didn't want to go back to school. It was expected back then for the woman to take up the slack and I always thought she wanted to help her Dad. The boys didn't help much, they played and just made more work for her. Turned out Mom was the only loyal and responsible one out of all but one of them. No matter how rough things seemed, Mom always had Paint the Wonder Horse to ride off on for an escape and to make life a little easier.

I do know she was the apple of her Dads' eye. He loved and appreciated her hard work, dedication and her kind and gentle spirit. Her Dad would tell Mom "If you want, I'll get you the moon and a star to go with it". They owned the first car in the town, so her Dad had means. He gave her a beautiful wedding when she later married my Dad. Her elegant dress was selected by Mom, designed and came all the way from New York City. Not bad for a small town Texas girl.

Today, I have those boots she's wearing in the picture with Paint, some big shoes to fill.

One Year Today

My Mom died one year ago today. In some ways it seems like last week. In other ways it seems like an eternity since I've heard her voice or been able to hug her. I miss her so much and life just isn't the same without her here. I talk to her every day and I know she's with me. I just miss her so much I hurt.

I realize there is no love like the love I felt from my Mother. Others can love us, our friends, family, lovers and husbands. The love of a parent for a child is different, it's unconditional. Mom wasn't going anywhere. She listened to me and accepted me right or wrong. She was there for me and helped me ground whenever I needed her. She was a major stabilizing force in my life.

Tonight I went to mass with my Dad, two sisters and brother. Mom would be proud of us. I don't go to church very often, nor does my brother.  After mass, we visited the church garden where Moms ashes are interred. We saw the newly engraved granite name plate with her name and dates of birth and death. We each cried. It was an emotional time for all of us. Dad showed us the tree he had planted in the garden for Mom. She would like it, Mom loved trees. The tree will have pink blossoms, one of her favorite colors. We later went to dinner at Moms' favorite restaurant and I'm sure she was there with us. She was a special lady and lives on inside each one of us. We all learned so much from her wisdom and grace. I'm grateful to have known her and to have had her with me as long as I did.

I Hold My Space in the place of Healing and Letting go.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Yes, that old song rings in my head. Breaking up is hard to do! It's so very very true. Why is it so hard?

We bond with the other person. We place our hopes and dreams on a life of happily ever after together. We have to grieve the life we planned as well as the loss of the person and the relationship. We think of them often throughout the day. We text, talk on the phone, email and  make plans to see each other. Their life is a part of ours. We are in the the Love Bubble.

When the relationship ends, for whatever reason, it hurts, we hurt. Some is the pain of attachment and the resulting withdrawal. We have to retract the energy and love we have placed on the object of our affection in order to move on. It takes time to heal. Some say it takes at least half of the time you were in the relationship to get over it. I think that is partly true. What is more of a barometer for recovery is the depth of feelings we had for each other. If we love deeply it only makes sense that the depth of grieving and loss is equal to the height of joy and love we felt.

You may be in disbelief that it is over. Is this for real? If it is your choice to end it, it's still a shock. It's a loss and grieving takes time. Be gentle with yourself and get back to center. You are learning about yourself, what you want and what is right for you. Trust and listen.

Remember, if you are with the wrong person, the right one can't come in. That thought may help you move forward. HOLD YOUR SPACE

A New Kidney for Mardi Gras

My sons' friend is getting a new kidney today. He going into surgery in a couple of hours. He's says he's scared. The first one wasn't a match, this one is. He's been waiting for years and I hope his body accepts this new organ with ease. Anyone who reads this send up a prayer for John, his new kidney and his new life.

P.S. the kidney was not healthy enough, so he's back on the list.  Pray for a healthy kidney for John.

Valentines Day

 

Valentines Day!

I received this sweet and heartfelt card from a dear friend who took the time to make it for me.

Valentines Day is a special day to remember all of those we Love and care for.  

We can each have more Love in our lives all the year through. 

HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Love with an Open Heart

A Swing and a Miss

The date went fine. I enjoyed the food, wine and our conversation. We had some funny moments and laughed. He's tall, handsome and intelligent. He was a gentleman. Something in my gut just wasn't quite right and I couldn't quite put my finger in it.  He said he wanted to make a plan to see me again. As we parted he said he didn't want to wait another six months.  I agreed to dinner Saturday night. 

After I left him that night and the next morning I was thinking I didn't want to go to dinner with him and I wasn't sure why I was feeling pressured.

The next day I got my answer. He called multiple times on my work line and left two messages. I didn't answer or return the calls.  I had meetings and was super busy. I told him the night before I was taking my car in for repairs early and had a busy day.

He called, texted me and left a message on my cell phone as I was being driven to pick up my car. I learned from my coworker she had answered my line and told him I was gone for the day.  In the message he left on my cell phone he said he knew I had left work early and wondered what my plans were. High Maintenance.

Too much, waaaay too much. There's no emergency here. I now know why my gut was uneasy. It's interesting how I was getting the intuitive messages about him before the behavior showed up. Control?  Some would say maybe he just  liked me. Maybe I just wasn't as interested in him. In the past I may have been flattered by his attention and his interest in me. I may have gotten caught up in a relationship that wasn't right for me. Not today. I realize how independent and discerning I've become. I trust my gut about what road to go down. I've learned the hard way.

I kept my Saturday night date as agreed. He commented on how I never answered my phone and I told him I was busy at work. I may have found the time to return his calls if he had stopped calling me.  He said he would give me another chance. I felt put off by his comments. He seemed arrogant. Although a nice man, we have very differing views in many areas. He made several  references to "those liberals" and a socialist President. He told me he wasn't judgemental and called me "sweetie". I listened. We're light years apart. I think he's used to getting his way with women based on his looks and success. I'm looking for substance.  A Swing and a Miss. There will be other opportunities for a home run on a different field.

Snow in Texas

We had amazing snow today! It was an all time record and over 9 inches! I took this picture on my way to work. It was a winter wonderland. We lost alot of tree limbs and many homes were without power.

Not My First Rodeo

I have a date this evening. It's been awhile since I've been on a date or seen this guy. I went out with him  last summer. I didn't return his call when he contacted me again.  I was just really busy, and maybe a little not that  interested. So It's been 6 months, he's called again and I'm going.  We'll see what develops.

He's been with an NFL team  (not as a Player) for many years, and is now a college coach.  The red flags that went up were around all that testosterone. Although I like a man's man, what's his attitude toward women? Does he see them as decorative objects like the cheerleaders on the sidelines? How interested is he in what I have to say?  How much has he grown?  I've been around this block before. Not my first Rodeo.  Although a lot older ( and hopefully wiser) I have been a "show pony." The perfect mans' accessory, attractive and personable, with a side of polite dinner party and cocktail conversation.

Today I know what I want. It has taken me awhile to figure it out and I'm still learning. I've had relationships both good and bad and I've learned from each one. It's not easy I'll say that!  I've had to know myself well enough to understand what it is I want in a relationship. Now it's a matter of holding my space for what I want, not selling myself (or the other person) short. This is just a date, but I'll know more about him. Not to sound harsh, but I'll know if I want to spend any more of my precious time in his company.

Relationship Boundaries

 

Boundaries and Balance

The Dance

Boundaries are important in any relationship, and are a gauge for it's level of health. Boundaries keep it clear and non toxic. I stop here and you start there. It's a balance. You each have space and the space allows for intimacy. It's honest and above board.

Boundaries are not always easy to establish if you don't already have them operating.  Especially true when in a new relationship. You love seeing each other and want to spend every waking (and sleeping)  moment together. To breathe each other in like a fine wine or beautiful flower is heaven. Beware, for Enmeshment ensues. It's difficult to be together constantly and intertwine without the risk of losing yourself. At some point, you'll want to have a night out with the girls. Come up for air. You'll want a weekend away, or just to stay at home alone.

How do you manage this once your routine is in motion, established and you're together every night? It's hard to turn the clock back and rewind to an earlier time.Will he go away or be hurt if you tell him you don't want to see him every night? Or will you feel abandoned after you get what you ask for? Either way, the relationship sure isn't worth it if you have to lose yourself or both morph into one to sustain it.  Finding the balance for each of you is the key to what will work best for the relationship.

As difficult or uncomfortable as it is, talk about it.  Be honest about what you want, ask for it and let the chips fall where they may. You will feel freer once you get what's on your mind off of it. Your relationship will move to another level. You will create intimacy with your honesty. Freedom within the relationship is the best freedom there is! HOLD YOUR SPACE in the place of Boundaries and Balance.

Who Dat!

Superbowl  Sunday. My Dad's coming over to watch the game with me today. My daughter and her boyfriend will be here as well. Although I'm a Cowboy fan first, I'm pulling for The Saints. I'd love to see them win their first Superbowl ever!

New Orleans has come so far since the days after Katrina. The storm was devastating. We we saw so many homeless survivors, hurt and hungry gathered on cots in the Superdome. The pain and sadness was written all over their faces. Many had lost their loved ones. They were the ones who had been to the gates of hell and survived. What a victory of the spirit for their beloved team to take home the ultimate prize of football!

Who Dat gonna beat them Saints?  Nobody!

31 to 17! Saints Rocked it

Awakening The Spirit

My kindred spirit and friend sent this info to me on a spiritual series with 40 days of information from 40 authors and spiritual teachers. (The link follows)  It reminded me of how we met and brought a smile to my face.

We joined a women's group at about the same time. The group was studying Native American tradition and spirituality. They were preparing for a vision quest in the mountains outside of Santa Fe. The vision quest was titled Mountain of Fear. This was many years ago and what a trip! We are forever bonded through this experience. Looking back, we had no idea what we were getting into.

I had never camped out before. So it was on the spot learning. We were in a group of  eleven women, mostly experienced. We had a tough crusty leader who gave us no slack.  Once in the mountains, at base camp, we fasted for 24 hours and each headed up to our chosen place alone on the mountain to spend the night. It immediately started hailing!  I had a sleeping bag and water, no flashlight. I did have matches. I didn't bring a tarp, although it was on my list.  Unprepared I was! A wiser woman than I handed me two black trash bags as we headed out. I asked her "for what?" She looked at me with disbelief and said, "for cover!"   I quickly formed my rock circle of protection and called upon my ancestors to guide me through what I was to learn. It was a lot as it turned out, but not what I thought.

I was the farthest person out on the mountain. I saw the experienced woman who had led me to the group head in, after less than an hour. I made myself stay, to face my fears. I wasn't going to quit. I was there to learn and grow stronger. I had just gone through a divorce and wanted to be able to stand alone. I was not  going to miss whatever spiritual experience I had journeyed there for.

That was the coldest night of my life. I'm lucky I didn't loose my toes to frostbite. They were completely numb. I made a small tent out of the two trash bags I had been given. I split them open and used sticks from a bush within my circle to form what kept me somewhat dry. It rained half of the night. I was freezing, aching and wondered what I was doing far from home, alone on the top of a mountain?  My sleeping bag was soaked by morning.

The night was beautiful and the stars were the brightest I have ever seen. I will never forget the beauty of the constellations as they passed overhead. I was a little afraid at times and very afraid at other times.  I figured it was too cold for snakes to be out. I did worry about the bears. I didn't think far enough ahead as to what I would do if I saw one. The plan was to stay awake all night for the experience. I remember dosing off and dreaming a bear came and slashed me in the throat. Was I hallucinating due to lack of food? I quickly startled in panic and saw what appeared to be three tall and willowy beautiful Indian women coming through the trees. They drifted toward me like clouds through the tall aspen trees. I knew they were there to comfort me.  I was exhausted and finally rested. I was not alone, I felt nurtured and protected.

I made it through that night. I needed to do it for me, to Hold My Space. Making it through somehow strengthened me. The next morning cold, wet, exhausted and sore I gathered my things and made my way back down the mountain. We shared our stories and experiences. Everyones experience was different. We each learned something that we would take away with us tucked in our hearts.  One woman had taken a walk after breakfast and to her amazement had spotted a large brown bear in the meadow! It was very close to what had been my spot on the mountain.

I learned I am resourceful and determined. I was stronger than I ever realized.  I had no sense being out on that mountain in freezing cold weather. I don't have to prove anything to myself. I listen to and value my intuition and I was protected that night.

Go to www.sacredawakeningseries.com 
to sign up for 40 days of the Sacred Awakening Series.