Monday, April 12, 2010

I Get You

My friend of about 14 years is going through a court proceeding. In an effort to support her, I went with her for an added boost of "friend". She's been there with me. Being in the courtroom brought back many memories for me of my NINE and a half years of divorce litigation. I married a meth and coke addicted crazy man. It took me that long to get a divorce.

I didn't know these things when I married him because I didn't wait long enough to get to know who he really was. I was swept away by his kindness and generosity. He was wonderful to me and my children and I thought he was a dream come true. It was, in fact, a very long nightmare.

I had just finished graduate school. I'd spent the last three years in serious study, working, in class, or in the library researching and writing papers. Not much fun. I met him at my brothers' surprise birthday party. He was my brothers' new best friend. He was 11 years younger than I was and so much fun. I didn't see that as a red flag. I felt like I had crawled out of a cave and into the light of day. We were so happy together, but it didn't last.

Yes, I married a possessive, obsessive, abusive, very wealthy, drug addicted crazy man. Of course I didn't know all of this when I married him. There's a lot to be said for waiting until you really get to know someone before walking down the aisle. It didn't take long for the truth to reveal itself. I had stepped into the twilight zone and there was no easy way out. I narrowly escaped in the middle of the night after just six months of marriage. I was running scared with my son and found refuge at my parents home. I couldn't believe this had become my life. I later went away to Canada for several months and moved four times. He could always find me.

I kept my address as my parents on all my employer, bank, billing and credit card information, including my drivers license. I didn't want where I was living or anything about me in any computer system. The post office had already given him my second address. I would pick up my mail once a week at my parents. I was in hiding. I lost contact with some of my friends because I disappeared like I was in a witness protection program. I was running scared and I isolated out of fear for my life. It was often a lonely time, although I stayed connected so my family knew I was OK. I learned to Hold My Space or lose my mind.

I paid the price of untold stress, looking over my shoulder, and fearing for my safety for nine and a half years. He had pushed me around, broken things, torn up my clothes and thrown my purse with my car keys into the pool so I couldn't leave. He ran me off the road on a big city freeway. He not only kept me against my will, he later found me and just came through my front door. It was 3:00 am, I was deep in sleep and he broke down the front door completely, trim and all. It's taken me a very long time to get a good nights' sleep after that experience. I had many many nightmares and it was all very traumatic. I had gotten myself into this horrible nightmare and I was doing my best to get out. I was on the ropes much of the time and felt constantly terrorized. I was working and doing my best to keep my head on straight. I had to become resourceful in order to stay ahead of him. I didn't think like he did and never knew where he was coming from. It was hard to relax.

Because of all of his money he thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. He thought he owned me. I had stepped into another world with different rules. His family was prominent, powerful and very wealthy. There were private jets, private boxes for sporting events, balls and galas, racehorses, race cars, a racing boat, a 53 foot yacht, lake house, vacation homes and on and on... His mother had a million dollar diamond ring. He had great legal representation, the best money could buy. His family protected him. They didn't want anything "bad" to go down on his record even though I know they knew he was guilty.

I called the police, filed criminal charges and had a protective order. It didn't matter. He wouldn't go away. I knew he carried a gun and one time, the police stopped him for speeding and took him to jail. That just made him more angry at me. It was a violation of the protective order. Finally, on another violation, the judge found him guilty of assaulting me and breaking the protective order again. He had crashed an iron lamp into my head causing a concussion. He was fined, ordered to stay away from me, and serve 2 years probation.

I moved 4 times. The last time was to a high rise with tight 24 hour security and cameras. It's like a fortress. My daughter called it "The Lock Inn." The detective investigating my case said "Lady you need a place with 24 hour security and cameras, this guy can get in where most people can't." I can sleep now, but not because of where I live, it's because he's dead.

Two months, almost to the day, after my trial and divorce was over, he died in a snowmobile accident. His family has a 12 bedroom vacation home on a lake they own up North. I researched newspaper articles in the city where he died. I read he failed to navigate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. It said the people with him tried to revive him at the scene, but he was dead on impact of massive head injuries. I did not feel sad at all, although I never wished him any harm. I was just relieved. I felt the weight of the world off of me and I could finally relax. My life was mine again. I knew I would never have to look over my shoulder or be afraid he would find me, hurt me or hurt anyone close to me. I was free of him and grateful to have made it through all of it alive.

When I explained to my friend last week, "There will be a lot of sitting and waiting on benches and other people will be making decisions about your life. So just let go, pray and do your best to stay centered, it will be a long process. You have no control, you'll get through it and be stronger on the other side." She looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I get you." She knows I've been there.
HOLD YOUR SPACE

I write this to help anyone out there who may be going through something similar. There is help. If you have small children, there are shelters to protect you. Go there. Do not take a chance by staying. Death is permanent. Get out now and don't go back no matter what he tells you. Many women are murdered each year by their abusers. Your children need you and you don't want to be a statistic.

Go to this link www.ndvh.org  for information or call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) for 24/7 anonymous and confidential help. They have a "quick escape" program.

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