Monday, April 5, 2010

No Boundaries vs. Walls

I had no boundaries and he had walls. It took a few months of therapy for me to wrap my mind around that one. I wanted it to work. I was supportive of his needs with his career while I gave up having one of my own. I loved him the way I wanted him to love me. I know many women have followed this path. We met in college, I didn't finish and I worked to put him through his last year. It was our plan and we were a team.

I was a stay at home Mom. I became an excellent personal assistant and life coach. I taught him which fork to use. We strategized, planned and discussed his career. I was there for him at his beck and call. I loved him. I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be a good wife. I learned this from my Mom and it had worked for my parents.

I used my design skills and remodeled several homes while my children were little and at home. We made a substantial profit on each one. The last one was pretty fantastic. We had a maid, pool men, gardeners and later a cook. I gave great dinner parties, selected his clothing, and made polite cocktail conversation. Showed up whenever he needed me like I'd been resting all day. The perfect wife, every mans' most important accessory.

Things rolled along pretty smoothly and we had close to a perfect life. As he made more and more money and became more successful, I felt something slipping. He didn't need me anymore. He had all the power. He emotionally left the partnership we had. I felt it at my core. I lived with the uneasy feeling I didn't matter to him anymore. As I write this, I feel the pain of remembering how hurt and lost I felt. He was making big deals and lots of money. I was no longer a part of it. He didn't confide in me anymore. He was absorbed in making the deals. I remember wanting to spend more time with him and asking him what it would take. His response was one I'll never forget. He told me how hard he worked and that he bought me a Mercedes, diamond ring and a fur coat, What else did I want? Why wasn't I happy? I felt like I'd created a Frankenstein and I didn't know him anymore.

I started a part time interior design business. Despite his protestations, I worked while the kids were in school. He said "What? Don't you have enough money?" One day he came home and told me, almost as an afterthought, "Oh , you're out of business." The accountants had shut down my budding business. He said I just wasn't making enough money to warrant staying open. I remember having several outstanding orders and feeling very deflated, embarrassed and undermined. (Later, in the divorce, he took my remaining inventory, my wonderful pieces, as community property.)

We were spending good money in therapy for him to manage me. In one particular session, the topic was very strained. I had forgotten to pick up his shirts and he wanted a particular shirt for the next day. The therapist suggested he pick up his own shirts or we have them delivered. His face showed his surprise and dismay. He didn't want to go to her anymore. He said he thought she was a lesbian. He began to question her education since she hadn't completed her Phd.

I started going to therapy alone and working on myself. I realized how much of me I had given away for the relationship. I had lost myself. I had wanted to hold on to the relationship at any cost. It had happened so slowly, and over time, I just didn't realize it. I worked on getting stronger and regaining my self esteem. The therapist told me something to the effect of, ...when you plant a tree inside a house, and nurture it, you don't know just how big it will grow. Sometimes it grows through the roof.

I was shaking the day I filed for a divorce. My heart was beating like a rabbit. I wrote a ten thousand dollar check to retain my attorney. I had two small children and no idea how I was going to support us. I didn't have a degree. I knew it would be hard and I didn't care. I was suffocating. I was sick a lot and I didn't even know what color I liked anymore. I had become indecisive and unsure of myself. He told me I was a bad mother and wife and I was beginning to believe him. I knew it would be a battle to leave, and I couldn't stay. I had panic attacks and I felt crazy. I was moving from the asset column to becoming a liability, in his thinking. He told me he'd destroy me and I would beg him to take me back. He said I was a frustrated emotional housewife with no backbone. I was scared, but his words spurred me on.

Our divorce went to trial because he wanted one. My lawyer said he was trying to take the kids to get my attention off of the money. I didn't care about the money. I remember when we rolled pennies to buy a 6 pack of beer to go to a party. He had forgotten that. The trial was hard to get through. He wanted to declare me unfit and he thought he had the power to do it. In the end, I was awarded sole custody of my kids and child support. I learned to let go of stuff and signed over the house. I was free. Today, I know it was worth every struggle.

I offer my story, although not the end, to anyone it may help. I've learned relationships are a balance. The most important one you have is with yourself and your God. Boundaries are very important to retaining one's sense of self while in an intimate relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Loving someone else doesn't mean you give yourself away.

I can't give expecting anything in return or I'll lose. Without yourself you have nothing. To thine own self be true. You can do just about anything you set your mind to accomplish. No one is coming to rescue me, take me away or make everything OK. It's up to me, and I can love and be loved along the way.

My transformation was from a hothouse flower into a mighty oak! I've learned to Hold My Space.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I LOVE this... I can't tell you how much I can relate. You are an amazing writer - keep it up, I will be reading! :)