Catholic school trauma

I woke up this morning very early with the panic inside me of a rabbit with a bobcat on it's tail! I dreamed I had a history test and I hadn't studied. I fully felt the terror of an 11 year old catholic school girl who was not prepared to sit for an exam and that's not pretty!

Anyone who's been to a catholic school knows that gut wrenching feeling of facing the nuns and being unprepared. It's like you are so wrong, a totally bad person. I felt that the nuns could see into my soul and they knew if I hadn't fully read, studied and whether I was completely prepared or not. They seemed to know everything!


I felt completely transparent, with no boundaries. They had a way of laying on the shame and guilt pretty thick. Back then, I had no idea how to hold my space. I was vulnerable to their emotional abuse. Some were Ok but they were rare.

I made straight A's in catholic schools. I was afraid not to. I didn't want to get into any trouble. I was quiet and stayed under the radar except for one time in sixth grade. I was writing notes to a friend and got into serious trouble. We both did. I was going to spend the night at Roberta's house and go horsebackriding. We were given so much work we barely had time to eat that night. Robertas mother brought dinner for us to her room. We started working as soon as we got to her house stayed up all night researching and writing all the reports we were assigned as well as math problems. The nun was just really mean and a bitch. I can write that now.
We didn't even question it. We just accepted the assignment and did every bit of it. She knew we planned to go riding and she didn't want us to have any fun. We were both caught red handed and took our punishment. ( I stayed out of trouble until high school chemistry class, but that's another story)
Thank God that was my last year a that school! I'll never forget it.
I've wondered what permanent effects the whole catholic school experience has had on my personality. Trying to be perfect and look perfect. Be smart, have all the answers. If you don't then pretend you do. Keep up the facade of being good all the time. Be quiet and stay in line. I learned to stay under the radar. Go undetected. I probably would have made a great secret agent.
The relief of the realization that it's 2011 and I'm grown, with no test to take was awesome!
And it's Saturday too! What could be better? Life is good.

Staycaction

I'm off for a few days and taking a staycation. I'm loving it. Indulging myself. It's kind like playing hooky from work and getting paid for it. I can roll back over instead of getting up. I find myself getting up anyway 'cause I'm not going to work. I'm enjoying the time without having to plan, pack, make a plane or drive. No stress. This way, I'll return rested instead of  having jetlag or no sleep after a trip. It's easy on the bank account.

Addiction the Master

Addiction the Master... You the Slave
Like any person or obsessive object of our affection (cigarettes, drugs, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, shoes, clothes, oh..and work) We can become a slave to our desires. Therein lies our potential downfall.
I've learned, mostly the hard way, it's all a distraction. Just a way to avoid dealing with the real problem, me. At times, I have been obsessive and feeling crazy over things that were completely out of my control. The one and ONLY thing I can change is me. Addictions distract us from the one thing we actually have some power over. Change is tough, and it can be grueling as we begin to face our demons. Pain is usually a good motivator for change. For me, when the pain becomes great enough, somehow I change. When we get to the point when we say "uncle" we're usually on our way.
Nothing outside us is really going to make us happy anyway. It's transient. I know now it's an inside job. Plain and simple, obsession and addiction are a matter of  low self value. It's a quest to find that "quick fix" to make everything OK. I've taken the short cut, the easy way, to feel better without even realizing it. I thought it was love, ( needy love) anything to avoid dealing with me.
                                 HOLD YOUR SPACE
Love Addiction can enslave us unless we wake up and get some self discipline working for us. Prayer sure helps too. Cut to the chase. We must learn to love ourselves first and then we can give it away.  The loving relationship that begins with you is what truly matters.

Cut the Strings

Happy New Year! Cut the strings. Whatever it
is that is holding you back in your life, Cut the Strings. I set myself free. New Year, New beginnings. Fresh start now.

New Year New Beginnings

It's a time of hope, a renewed sense of purpose, and new beginnings! We can make the changes we know we need to make in our lives. Be a better person. Be kind. Think better thoughts for all of us. Do the right thing. Take better care of yourself. Love and appreciate yourself for the unique person you are. Stretch yourself. Do something hard for you to do. Say you're sorry. Give money to a good cause. Help someone out. Get out of debt. Speak up. Hold your space.
Think outside the box. Pray for peace. Live your new Life. You can do it. No better time than right now. HOLD YOUR SPACE for your new life.

Relationship Pain

Being in a relationship can hurt. I mean really, really hurt and the pain is like a giant cramp inside your body. You feel like you're going to die, and you want to. I'm sure it seems like you don't know how, but it helps to ground yourself and get back to center. It's usually about overwhelming  feelings. I felt abandoned and those abandonment issues go back to our early attachment issues and bonding.. But that's therapy talk. You have you, no matter what happens. Remember that. It may not seem like much when you're all wrapped around the axle about him/her and what he's doing and thinking. It's as if your life depends on him/her and it's so not true! Detach and Get a grip! (SEE: Survival Tools: The Breakup)
Put your energy into something you can change. YOU. Start by filling up your deflated self esteem. It's like a pancake right now and you're suffering.  Focus! Pray for help.
I remember being in so much pain and wanting to read something that could help me find my way out of feeling so obsessed and crazy. I didn't know how I had gotten myself in such bad shape or why. Today I know it was because I thought love was giving yourself away. I know better today. It's a long road back to center but once you get there you'll never loose that stillpoint again. My words are... "This is a big life lesson for you. No one can ever love you unless you learn to love yourself first."  No one else can do it for you, it's like going to the dentist. You must sit in that chair alone for the extraction, if that's what it comes to. The festering pain is gone and the healing begins. The sooner you start on your way back to you, the better. It must be done and it takes time. Heed the voice of experience: Don't jump back in again until you've done some work on you. The pain won't kill you and you need some Traction. Your pain will lessen when you begin to take your power back and get your feet under you.  holdyourspace There's no way out of this mess but through. Trust the process. I know that sounds trite when you want throw a screaming fit, but it's true. No man/woman can love you enough to make you OK. That's a fact! .. 'cause he/she can always take it away. Love yourself, it's lasting. and you're stuck with you, count on it.

Turkey Day Thanks

I'm thankful for all my blessings. My Dad is alive. Dad made it through a life threatening Emergency surgery and he's on the mend. At 87, that's a lot to be thankful for. It's a miracle really. Life is fragile and so very  precious.
He's been hospitalized for 3 weeks, 5 days in the ICU. It was touch and go for awhile. I'll never forget the monitor in the ICU when it read NO BREATH. I did my best to hold the space for his healing.  Dad please BREATHE.....I prayed.

He's home now, just in time to celebrate. In counting my blessings, that's number one. We'll all be together to celebrate, share life and it's fragile moment to moment miracles! Life is fragile and a gift.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Growing pains

It's hard to take a look at ourselves and see what were doing that isn't working. At least it is for me. I have lots of things that cloud the clarity of my vision. Ego maybe? I don't want to see my own flaws and shortcomings. I like to be right. (I'm in my comfort zone there.) It's always easier to see those things in someone else, and what they need to do.
So it often hurts to grow, when the clouds break and the light shines in the dark corners and there's the ugly truth. I'm wrong. Growing pains. Get over myself and move on. Dish me up another slice of humble pie. The more I get used to it the better person I'll be.

Lying Married Men: Wormeos

The Worms! the Cads!  They are Wormeos!

Nothing is more distasteful to me than a man (or a woman) who will cheat and run around on his wife (or her husband)

I have now joined the ranks of women who have been out with a married man, unbeknownst to me.
I have been out to dinner multiple times and even kissed him goodnight. When my friends asked me about him, I said " I'm just not sure about him." He seemed honest. Although I did feel the need to google him The first time I went out with him. Just  for confirmation. Everything he said checked out. Nowhere did I read he was a married man. He told me he had been married and divorced a long time ago. I believed him. He said he had been in serious relationships over the years and had lived with a woman. Seemed reasonable. For some reason I had some kind of doubt about him. I told a friend there was a missing puzzle piece and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 

An acquaintence through work had set me up with him. He was new to town and didn't know many
people. He called me right away to meet me, and we went soon after.
 
I was online this morning and saw a link to speech he had given last summer when he was inducted into the football hall of fame. I was curious to see what he had said and what kind of a speaker he was. At the end of his speech he thanked his wife for putting up with him "for all these years" ! Imagine my surprise! I was stunned and angry! If I had been really into him I 'm sure I'd be hurt, the Jerk! Live and learn. I'm learning more and more about trusting the part of me that knows when something is off. I suspected he might be dating other women or even have a girlfriend, but not a wife!( in another state) That never even crossed my mind.

He texted me about our upcoming date and wanted to see me Monday night. Said he couldn't wait..I texted back...
"So has your wife been putting up with you seeing other women all this time? I'm just not into small men. No"

I have heard not a word nor a letter text'd. Goodbye and Good riddance!
He's a good liar. I'm sure they all are! How sad, and I thought he was a decent man.  His poor wife! A good liar is not a good trait to have!

Wedding in Philly

I Went to a Family wedding in Philly this last weekend and I don't like to fly.
My Dad, sis, bro and I flew together on a very scary flight. After the door to the plane was closed and we all were belted in, sitting on the Tarmac, the flight attendent takes the mike. She says "I don't know if you've heard the news.... Pregnant pause...( what ??? We all wondered?) she continued with, "the weather on the east coast is abominable! The pilot has two alternate airports where we can land if we don't make it". " In all of my years of flying I've never had a flight attendent say anything clsoe to what she said. I was mortified!

I'm thinking, "Can I get off this plane?" (inner silent scream)
The flight was three hours and the first two were ok except for the fear of what was to come. Ugh! Glad I asked my doc for xanax since I'm always on the verge of a panic attack with flying anyway.
We bounced around, starting about two plus hours into the flight. Then we were in the clouds, with no visibility. I had my eyes closed and was doing my best to center myself and not come unraveled, Hold Your Space. Do what you preach. I asked my brother to please stop talking to me. I know he was trying to help by distracting me. I just wanted to  freak out alone and try to manage my overwhelming fear ... Chill and hold my space

Anyway, the plane blew side to side, wings up and down. The plane would drop, leaving that weightless feeling in my stomach, which I hate. As we were bouncing in for the final approach, my sister and brother each linked arms with me for the landing simultaneously. My eyes were closed, so I don't know if they planned it or were just as afraid as I was. We made it. My brother said the right wing nearly hit the runway, and my sister said she saw white water directly below us ( the Delaware river we learned later) I have almost never been as relieved to land! (only a Hawaiian islands flight was worse)  Whew! what a wild ride. I wanted to hug the pilot and kiss the ground. I thanked him for getting us there. ( alive ) my Dad ( the flight instructor ) was critiquing and complimenting the pilots landing and telling him what a good job he did with his approach.
As we were renting the car, I learned it was hurricane Nicole ending her reign of terror! It was her last hurrah up the coast! I had no idea and I'd been checking the weather every day on my iphone. I thought I was in the know!  If  I'd known about the hurricane, I would have opted out and missed a great time at the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful and we had a fab time. The stress of the flight was worth it since we made it and lived to tell about it.

Hedging

Let me count the ways...ok too many to count.
Let's just talk love and money.
Probably many many bets hedged on wall street but more I in love is my guess.

Ending it...

I have had some friendships with female friends that have ended, and it's usually because we just drift apart or outgrow each other. It's the ending of the love relationship that's the tough one to get to the other side of. Breaking up is hard to do!

I have a friend who is struggling with a break up. She says she wants to end it, but she feels guilty because he's so good to her and she doesn't want to hurt him. I've been her sounding board on this one and I've asked her why she feels so guilty? She says she 's not sure. She knows he wants to marry her. She's learned, over the course of the relationship, she doesn't want to marry him.  She hasn't told him. She's enjoyed his attention and affection and the time they spend together.  His feelings have developed more quickly and now she's feeling pressured. It never seems to work when there's not a balance of feelings and one person is clearly up in the air over the other.

She's never told him she loves him. She enjoys his company, their dates and the sex. She told me he helps her with many things around her house. I told her it might make it easier for her to end it ( I can be direct) if she thought about the fact that maybe she's just being selfish by keeping him around and allowing him to think there's a chance, now that she's sure she doesn't want to marry him. (Why does marriage have to become such a point of contention?)

She just looked at me. I don't think she understood where I'm coming from. I've told her she's wasting his time and more importantly, hers. I think she's holding on because it's hard to let go of a good thing. She 's probably hoping she'll wake up one morning and feel the love for him that he has for her. Maybe it's the fact that she wants to be married and this is pretty close to it. He's just not the right guy. It's hard to let go, move on and start over. This is comfortable and he's a good man. Along with the guilt she feels about hurting him there's fear and the knowing she'll be alone again. The bottom line is, she's not in love with him and she knows it. Better to be honest and set them both free.

P.S. She finally ended it 6 months later and although tough, she's moved on.

Laptop resuscitation

I have learned from my computer guru
I had 40 trojan viruses andvarious other viruses totaling over 100 on
my laptop ! It's a wonder it could be saved. He's still working on it diligently.
I let my virus protection lapse and therein lies the problem.
i didn't get a bill or a warning it had expired soooo I just didn't even concern myself
Or realize my lack of coverage. So let this be a lesson, although it may be super elementary to most,
check your virus coverage! I realized there was a problem when a porn website popped up automatically and then my email account was hacked into . Whoever did the damage sent an email to all of my people stating I was in wales England had been robbed and need money wired to me to get home!I was unable to warn my friends
about the bogus email since they cleverly locked me out of my own email account I lost my entire list of friends email addresses. Soon I began to receive lots of phone calls and emails on my cell and at work. Friend and family were checkng in with me ( at least those who didn't know I was in the USA ) it's been a mess!! I've had to change my email with banks credit cards etc .... So check that virus protection.
I'm still writing from my phone so I'll update and edit later .

Thank you Mr President!

You're my hero! I was excited to hear you say you are bringing our troops home and that the war in Iraq is over! We've shed enough blood and lost too many lives to continue this war that is not ours. After TEN long years of war you are bringing our young men and women home!

It is a promise you made in your campaign and I applaud you for keeping your word to the American people. I'm sure it's not without resistance from people who live in fear and think war is the way to protect our soil.

Our commitment there is over. Let's focus on finding solutions at home. We can spend money on our shores and stop the financial and physical bleeding in Iraq. Now, what about Afghanistan?
May Peace prevail! Amen!

Critical condition...laptop

My laptop is in shutdown Mode and writing from my phone is not working for me very well.I'm Hoping to find a cure and get back up an running soon....in the meantime holdyourspace

The F Word : FRACKING

I'm jumping up on my soapbox and shouting! "Be Afraid Be Very Afraid! Water is our life sustaining resource and it is being polluted and poisoned." Don't just believe what I'm writing, read about it for yourself. I'm not a radical environmentalist, just a lazy recycler. FRACKING is a dirty word.

I was shocked out of my complacency when I saw the film Gasland. Watch it. It's scary.  Little Bush and his sidekick Cheney (they'll get theirs, karma is a bitch) got this deal passed (in '05 I think) where drilling/fracking could be done and they didn't have to follow the EPA guidelines, imagine that. Big money wreaks havoc on our land and water supply in states all across the country.  They get away with it,  and get rich,  while we get sick.

I thought "they" drilled for natural gas kind of like oil. I didn't know the process. I've learned they inject and implode the land with multiple poisons to extract the gas. It's called FRACKING.  The poisons will NEVER EVER break down. These poisonous chemicals (including arsenic) are getting into our water supply. ( Oh, and the grazing cows are eating grass poisoned by FRACKING and being served up to you)

The corporations are drilling on public land, our natural preserves, and privately owned land.  Birds are falling out of the sky dying, people can set the water coming from their  faucets on fire!  People are getting sick while big corporations line their pockets with money and move on.  It's FRACKING Criminal!

Jake the Fake

For those of you who watch the Bachelorette, (and I do) I must express a little of what my take is after watching the recent airing of Vienna and Jakes sad and expected ending. Yes, Vienna is young, and maybe a tad emotional and immature.  I have to hand it to the girl, she was out of the box and off the chain!  Vienna spoke her mind on national TV and exposed Jake for who he is.  Fake.  She may have had some tantrums, but who wouldn't with a self absorbed AH like Jake? On the last ABC airing of their demise,  I would have liked to see Vienna hold her space. She could have relished in her power instead of walking out crying, but so what? She made her point and she was real.  Angry? Yes, she was hurt and pissed. I don't think it was what she thought she was getting into when she said "Yes!" to Jake. (and to the sparkler of a ring of course.) The Bachelor/Bachelorette endings are a bit like going to Disneyland but they're fun to watch, or we wouldn't tune in.  
Who hasn't been frustrated with a man like Jake? At first he appears genuine and sincere as if he has it together. Later you discover he's totally shallow, as I think Jake is.  ABC has a vested interest in protecting Jake. I'm just pleased Vienna called him out, and that ABC didn't edit her out. "Fame whore"... yup.  I think he's uptight, has a superior attitude and believes he's the all American "good guy" and oh sooooo special.  Early on, in the previous Bachelorette, ( her name escapes me ) Jake said he had not had a relationship that lasted a year.  Now we know why.  He loves Jake.  He wants a woman for an accessory, not one who can talk.

Graduation

I went to my nieces' High School Graduation last Saturday.  There were 750 plus graduates in her class and she's a W.  The day was sweltering and thankfully, the indoor stadium was cool.  We found some good seats and family and friends settled in for a reading of the long list of the Class of Graduates of 2010.

I know my niece struggled this year with some of her classes.  She worked really hard with studying, tutoring and testing for college.  My sister asked me to send up some prayers on crucial testing days. As I read the commencement program,  I was so excited and surprised to see her name listed among those graduating with honors. They had not told me.

I found my mind drifting as the Salutatorian and Valedictorian each gave their well rehearsed and well researched speeches full of famous quotes.  I was tuned out mostly.  After the graduates received their diplomas, the principal said something that stuck. It's so simple and well worth remembering.  She said she was looking forward to learning about their accomplishments as they went out into the world.  She added, "Remember, the only limits are the ones you put on yourselves." So true in life.

At our celebration dinner afterwards, I learned my niece has been awarded a scholarship to a University in another state. Her father told her early in her senior year he was not going to pay for out of state tuition.  I remember thinking he was just being tight, and he could afford it.  I realize now her did her a favor.  There is no price to be paid, or better education, than the power of the lesson she learned by what she accomplished herself.  My niece wanted to attend a University with her close friend and she found a way.  Now I understand why she worked so hard.  She had a plan, a goal and a dream.  No limits.
You go girl!

Facing the Truth

I work with a woman whose husband left her after 17 years of marriage. He left her for a younger woman almost half his age.  He left last October so she's had time to let it all sink in.  She hasn't seen or talked with him since he left.  She told me he abandoned her and their four sons.  He has sent her some money to help with the mortgage, that's about it. She's grappling with the devastating pain, anger and some denial.  She's been working two jobs and doing her best to hold her life afloat financially and emotionally.

I see the exhaustion and pain on her face. She still goes over and over her life with him, and now the pain of being without him. Why did this happen? What could she have done differently? He told her she was jealous.  I think a part of her believes him, the cad.  It's obvious she loved him deeply and therein lies the problem.  I think she's hoping he'll come back.

If we can face the truth, he's gone and she's better off.  It will take time for her to heal.  He doesn't want to be there and it's not her fault. Midlife crisis or whatever reason, he's not responsible or trustworthy. As we talked, I learned he has lied to her many times before, she just didn't want to face it.  She has held on to him, and the life they had together, hoping and praying it would work. I learned she's given away more and more of herself in a place of desperation. Now it's all come undone.

As women, it's hard to face the truth when love is alive.  My hope for her is that she can. Valuing herself as much as she did him is a start.  I may sound harsh, I told her "...no man is worth it."  She looked at me very seriously, and I could see the doubt in her eyes.  Clarity is an amazing gift we give ourselves.  I've been there, and I know of what I speak. holdyourspace  Let go of him, and set yourself free.  There's a new life waiting for you on the other side of all this agony.

Getting Real

Why is it so hard to get real and ask for what we want in a new relationship? Our feet are off of the ground and it's as close to magical as a kid at Christmas. We're in the glow of the new and floating around in the love bubble. No one wants to have it "pop" or go away.  Seems like getting real would just be a damper and  cause it all to come to an end. But, eventually, get real we must if the relationship has any chance of lasting.  


What's hardest to talk about gets put on the back burner. First it simmers then when it's beginning to boil over we have to pay attention. Our self is talking to us and we can no longer deny it for the sake of holding on to the new. Maybe we're avoiding 'cause we know it can't last if we get real and we don't want to give up the fantasy just yet.


Bite the bullet. There's no pretending. Take a risk and  talk what it is you want in the relationship.  It's the fear of taking off our mask, and being loved (or not) for who we are at our core that is at stake here. holdyourspace If you have to pretend or stuff it, you are denying the truth of who you are, and for what?  To thine own self be true. Don't settle and don't hide. The rewards are great. You deserve all the good life has for you.

Computer Malady

My computer is infected.  I haven't been able to access my email or write on my blog. It went haywire with infection warnings and I'm holding my space as best I can without access!  I 'm going through  log on withdrawals! I can use my phone, but it's just not the same as good ol' blue. I've been at a loss and realize how much I use it. I'll sit down and start to log on and sadly remember it's demise. I'm borrowing a computer to post this entry.  I guess I've been lucky. This is the first time I've had a computer down. The problem is, I'm not sure how to solve it. I'm sure I'll be able to enlist some help and hopefully, with some luck, my computer can be resurrected.

Happy Mothers Day!

To every Mother out there, Have a Happy and Very Special Day! To daughters and sons, give your Mom a BIG hug. There will come a day when she won't be there to hug and you'll have to remember how it felt. Trust me, those are very precious hugs and may need to last you a lifetime. I miss my Mom. Hug yours.

Earth Day

Today is a day (at least for me) I ask myself  "How can I take better care of our Earth and cut back on all that I throw away?" I'm doing a pretty good job of recycling my trash. I feel guilty if I don't.  I can do better, we all can if we want to. I do buy an occasional cup of Joe on the fly. All of those cups I throw away could be reduced. I found this website and added the link as we look at doing our part today. They sell a coffee cup with a top that looks like a paper cup with a plastic top. It's called the eco coffee cup. It could be the perfect answer. I'm thinking about buying it for that cup of coffee I drink when I'm out and about. Their website states that New Yorkers alone discard 200,000,000 coffee cups each year!

I'm also going to use those canvas bags I have stored in my closet. I bought them last year for my groceries and they haven't held a grocery yet.

Happy Earth Day!
check out:
www.greenfeet.com

Early Sex

I'm not talking about sex early in the morning.  I'm talking about sex early in the relationship. Early sex clouds things up and muddies the waters. It takes the relationship to a physically intimate level prematurely. You don't really know him. The budding relationship is put to rest on the back burner and beside the point. Now its the sexual tension front and center. We are no longer getting to know each other, we're now having sex. All kinds of "stuff" can surface before you know if you ever want to see this person again. Expectations you didn't know you had can raise their ugly head. You can't turn back the clock. You've crossed the line forever.  You may be living in the "Love Bubble" temporarily and loving the new buzz of the relationship. It can wear off as quickly as it started when reality sets in. Early sex shortchanges the real courting process and complicates matters. You've put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

I've heard women friends roll their eyes and say, "I wish I hadn't had sex with him so soon."  Her regret is usually for one of two reasons.

1) She's now more vulnerable. "Is he going to call?" She's feeling some panic. When he does, she's afraid he'll think less of her and just stay for the sex, or he'll go away entirely. She feels insecure. She can make up any excuse to herself as to why she did it. Was it the romance, the wine, the moment? She's given away some of her power and she knows it, since she doesn't really know him. There's no groundwork or foundation laid for the relationship. She's not sure where this is going or what his intentions are. She knows she had sex with him too soon.


2) She's finding out, after sex, the more she's getting to know him, the less she's into him. He's really serious about her, he's smitten.  He likes having sex with her and wants a long term committed relationship. He's ready to park his car in her garage, permanently. He's making all kinds of plans about their future together. She's not even sure she can see herself with him.  She's over it. She feels guilty about ending it and also feels some pressure to stay in it. He's so good to her and so is the sex. It's fun to have someone in her life. She doesn't want to lead him on and she doesn't want to hurt him. She knows she had sex with him too soon.

So HOLD YOUR SPACE instant gratification isn't all it's cracked up to be. Get to know who the person really is. Clarity is your friend. Decide if you want to have any future with him at all before you take your clothes off.

Joining the Circus

I spent the day with a long time friend (see: Mountain of Fear) who has been in the film business for over 20 years. We went to the set of a series she is working on that has not aired yet. I had never been to a set like it so it was very interesting and fun for me. I was like a wide eyed kid asking her lots of questions. The rooms had moveable plywood walls. The views outside the fictitious downtown office windows were tall skins of photographs of buildings just a few inches think. They were either for day or night up to 30' tall. It was a completely fabricated reality and a really good one. It was like we were standing in an office on the 35th floor somewhere. There were desks with personal pictures of kids and vacations. I saw hand written notes on notepads, along with plastic non functioning keyboards and computer screens. There was a brushed steel elevator door and I almost forgot there was only one floor. The sets were pretty perfect down to the last details. To us, watching at home we wouldn't give it a second thought. It all looked very real, a pretend world they bring alive. On the other side of the "rooms", there were cable cords for electricity and tall scaffolding stashed behind the pseudo walls. There were big fans and many huge lights on 20' stands. I could imagine some director Shout "ACTION!" in my head.

It was a Sunday, and since they were not shooting, only a couple of people were there. My friend was meeting a man dropping off some newly upholstered office chairs. As we were rolling them  in, the lead man said to me "Oh so she brought you here to work?" I laughed and told him, "If I ever want to see her again, I have to come to work with her!"  My friend has been working 6 days a week 14 hour days for several months. I was fascinated by the sets as I walked around in amazement. She smiled and told me, "Being in the film business is just like joining the circus." Sometimes she travels and leaves town for months to work on a film out of state. Each job is a microcosm of another world, an alternate reality. I know it's sometimes grueling hard work and requires intense teamwork. She always has a deadline and is working against the clock to stay ahead of the next scene. Some of the things she has to come up with in a day baffle my mind. She may need 5 antique pinball machines or 30 airplane seats or 6 turnstyles or 100 oil barrels. She's good at what she does that's why she's in such demand. It's the entertainment business. It's full of mystery and intrigue, with a tight knit select group working behind the scenes to make it all happen. It's like using smoke and mirrors. They pull it all together and make magic as they weave each story line together. 

Just like a circus, it's on with the show! I look forward to seeing this one on my screen at home.

True Love

They were just kids when this was taken, and I'm not sure if they were married yet. My Dad loves this pic, with my Mom sitting on a donkey and drinking a Texas Longneck. I know it was a party somewhere near San Antone. They were in Love then and he Loves her still. We miss you Mom and Happy Birthday!!

Extension Anyone?

Yes, It's tax day. It crept up on me. I was doing so well with them. I diligently worked on my taxes back in March and they're close to completion. Then I just let them sit. Why? Who knows. I guess it was the dredges that I didn't want to deal with. I was shocked yesterday when I received an email from Turbo Tax that stated, 2 more days. I thought they were offering a special price on their software. What was I thinking?

Looks like I'm filing an extension. For any of you out there in my position, you can download and print an extension form to mail from www.irs.gov, or pick one up at the post office or library. You can efile free at irs.gov or pay to efile through turbo tax.com.

Good Luck with completion!

You Can Fly

I received an update from my friend who was struggling over her breakup back in January, a few long months ago. (See: Love Sick) She writes:

"I have been able FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER; to cut Bill (name changed) off-without having that anxious, I'm going to die without him feeling. I have not had the urge to call or text him. I told him that I was finally at the point where I could let him go and let us both move on. Since that time I have not contacted him in any way. I do think of him still every day, but without the need to call or text or write anything. The dysfunction I was feeling seems to be going away. I am not as stressed about things. I was having some impatient moods, but that seems to be subsiding. I am so happy about this. I feel like a caterpillar in my cocoon. By the summer I hope to break out as a beautiful butterfly."

I include her words, with her permission, as a help to other women struggling with the ending of a relationship. Time and distance do heal a broken heart.

My friend has worked hard to move on. She has grieved, been angry and hurt over this man. She also attributes some of her progress to a meditation and relaxation CD she has been listening to. I pass this information on to anyone it may help. Hold Your Space

I Get You

My friend of about 14 years is going through a court proceeding. In an effort to support her, I went with her for an added boost of "friend". She's been there with me. Being in the courtroom brought back many memories for me of my NINE and a half years of divorce litigation. I married a meth and coke addicted crazy man. It took me that long to get a divorce.

I didn't know these things when I married him because I didn't wait long enough to get to know who he really was. I was swept away by his kindness and generosity. He was wonderful to me and my children and I thought he was a dream come true. It was, in fact, a very long nightmare.

I had just finished graduate school. I'd spent the last three years in serious study, working, in class, or in the library researching and writing papers. Not much fun. I met him at my brothers' surprise birthday party. He was my brothers' new best friend. He was 11 years younger than I was and so much fun. I didn't see that as a red flag. I felt like I had crawled out of a cave and into the light of day. We were so happy together, but it didn't last.

Yes, I married a possessive, obsessive, abusive, very wealthy, drug addicted crazy man. Of course I didn't know all of this when I married him. There's a lot to be said for waiting until you really get to know someone before walking down the aisle. It didn't take long for the truth to reveal itself. I had stepped into the twilight zone and there was no easy way out. I narrowly escaped in the middle of the night after just six months of marriage. I was running scared with my son and found refuge at my parents home. I couldn't believe this had become my life. I later went away to Canada for several months and moved four times. He could always find me.

I kept my address as my parents on all my employer, bank, billing and credit card information, including my drivers license. I didn't want where I was living or anything about me in any computer system. The post office had already given him my second address. I would pick up my mail once a week at my parents. I was in hiding. I lost contact with some of my friends because I disappeared like I was in a witness protection program. I was running scared and I isolated out of fear for my life. It was often a lonely time, although I stayed connected so my family knew I was OK. I learned to Hold My Space or lose my mind.

I paid the price of untold stress, looking over my shoulder, and fearing for my safety for nine and a half years. He had pushed me around, broken things, torn up my clothes and thrown my purse with my car keys into the pool so I couldn't leave. He ran me off the road on a big city freeway. He not only kept me against my will, he later found me and just came through my front door. It was 3:00 am, I was deep in sleep and he broke down the front door completely, trim and all. It's taken me a very long time to get a good nights' sleep after that experience. I had many many nightmares and it was all very traumatic. I had gotten myself into this horrible nightmare and I was doing my best to get out. I was on the ropes much of the time and felt constantly terrorized. I was working and doing my best to keep my head on straight. I had to become resourceful in order to stay ahead of him. I didn't think like he did and never knew where he was coming from. It was hard to relax.

Because of all of his money he thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. He thought he owned me. I had stepped into another world with different rules. His family was prominent, powerful and very wealthy. There were private jets, private boxes for sporting events, balls and galas, racehorses, race cars, a racing boat, a 53 foot yacht, lake house, vacation homes and on and on... His mother had a million dollar diamond ring. He had great legal representation, the best money could buy. His family protected him. They didn't want anything "bad" to go down on his record even though I know they knew he was guilty.

I called the police, filed criminal charges and had a protective order. It didn't matter. He wouldn't go away. I knew he carried a gun and one time, the police stopped him for speeding and took him to jail. That just made him more angry at me. It was a violation of the protective order. Finally, on another violation, the judge found him guilty of assaulting me and breaking the protective order again. He had crashed an iron lamp into my head causing a concussion. He was fined, ordered to stay away from me, and serve 2 years probation.

I moved 4 times. The last time was to a high rise with tight 24 hour security and cameras. It's like a fortress. My daughter called it "The Lock Inn." The detective investigating my case said "Lady you need a place with 24 hour security and cameras, this guy can get in where most people can't." I can sleep now, but not because of where I live, it's because he's dead.

Two months, almost to the day, after my trial and divorce was over, he died in a snowmobile accident. His family has a 12 bedroom vacation home on a lake they own up North. I researched newspaper articles in the city where he died. I read he failed to navigate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. It said the people with him tried to revive him at the scene, but he was dead on impact of massive head injuries. I did not feel sad at all, although I never wished him any harm. I was just relieved. I felt the weight of the world off of me and I could finally relax. My life was mine again. I knew I would never have to look over my shoulder or be afraid he would find me, hurt me or hurt anyone close to me. I was free of him and grateful to have made it through all of it alive.

When I explained to my friend last week, "There will be a lot of sitting and waiting on benches and other people will be making decisions about your life. So just let go, pray and do your best to stay centered, it will be a long process. You have no control, you'll get through it and be stronger on the other side." She looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I get you." She knows I've been there.
HOLD YOUR SPACE

I write this to help anyone out there who may be going through something similar. There is help. If you have small children, there are shelters to protect you. Go there. Do not take a chance by staying. Death is permanent. Get out now and don't go back no matter what he tells you. Many women are murdered each year by their abusers. Your children need you and you don't want to be a statistic.

Go to this link www.ndvh.org  for information or call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) for 24/7 anonymous and confidential help. They have a "quick escape" program.

Getting Away

Sometimes relaxing and getting away is crucial to healing and moving forward. The ocean has always been healing for me and has helped me to balance and recenter. I'm making a plan to get away this summer, I'm overdue. My day to day life can be so full of "hurry up" that I can't seem to keep up with myself. I know I need to make a plan to rest, recharge and HOLD MY SPACE to integrate it all. We all do. I need to get off of the hectic merry go round that can be my life and chill. Getting away to the ocean is like a reboot for my heart, mind and soul. Relax and let go. I'll decompress by the water and begin again with a renewed and rejuvenated perspective. Join with me and plan your Get Away.

Follow Your Star

I had dinner last night with a dear friend who has a beautiful voice. Like many of us, she had put her dream on the back burner and let it slowly fade away. Marriage, career and the hurried pace we all keep got in her way. It so happens she's been divorced for several years, she's in love and as life would have it, she's currently between jobs.

We met a couple of years ago and when I heard about her dream to sing, I began to ask her, and encourage her and later even downright pester her, not only to pursue her dream of a singing career, but to take voice lessons. I was excited when she recently texted me about her first voice lesson. I learned last night, she is continuing with voice lessons and is putting together songs for a CD. She paid me the biggest compliment when she told me no one had ever encouraged her to take voice lessons. She said without me "nudging her" she probably would not have done it.

I've learned we just need someone in our corner, spurring us on, to go ahead and Follow Our Star. It helps to have someone who not only believes we can do it, but also wants it for us. I am so proud of her. When she told me with a big smile on her face, "I was meant to sing!" I got chills! It's her heart's desire. It's never too late to start living your dream and there's no time like now. Whatever it is, begin today to find and Follow Your Star!

Hold Your Space and Hold on to Your Dream.

No Boundaries vs. Walls

I had no boundaries and he had walls. It took a few months of therapy for me to wrap my mind around that one. I wanted it to work. I was supportive of his needs with his career while I gave up having one of my own. I loved him the way I wanted him to love me. I know many women have followed this path. We met in college, I didn't finish and I worked to put him through his last year. It was our plan and we were a team.

I was a stay at home Mom. I became an excellent personal assistant and life coach. I taught him which fork to use. We strategized, planned and discussed his career. I was there for him at his beck and call. I loved him. I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be a good wife. I learned this from my Mom and it had worked for my parents.

I used my design skills and remodeled several homes while my children were little and at home. We made a substantial profit on each one. The last one was pretty fantastic. We had a maid, pool men, gardeners and later a cook. I gave great dinner parties, selected his clothing, and made polite cocktail conversation. Showed up whenever he needed me like I'd been resting all day. The perfect wife, every mans' most important accessory.

Things rolled along pretty smoothly and we had close to a perfect life. As he made more and more money and became more successful, I felt something slipping. He didn't need me anymore. He had all the power. He emotionally left the partnership we had. I felt it at my core. I lived with the uneasy feeling I didn't matter to him anymore. As I write this, I feel the pain of remembering how hurt and lost I felt. He was making big deals and lots of money. I was no longer a part of it. He didn't confide in me anymore. He was absorbed in making the deals. I remember wanting to spend more time with him and asking him what it would take. His response was one I'll never forget. He told me how hard he worked and that he bought me a Mercedes, diamond ring and a fur coat, What else did I want? Why wasn't I happy? I felt like I'd created a Frankenstein and I didn't know him anymore.

I started a part time interior design business. Despite his protestations, I worked while the kids were in school. He said "What? Don't you have enough money?" One day he came home and told me, almost as an afterthought, "Oh , you're out of business." The accountants had shut down my budding business. He said I just wasn't making enough money to warrant staying open. I remember having several outstanding orders and feeling very deflated, embarrassed and undermined. (Later, in the divorce, he took my remaining inventory, my wonderful pieces, as community property.)

We were spending good money in therapy for him to manage me. In one particular session, the topic was very strained. I had forgotten to pick up his shirts and he wanted a particular shirt for the next day. The therapist suggested he pick up his own shirts or we have them delivered. His face showed his surprise and dismay. He didn't want to go to her anymore. He said he thought she was a lesbian. He began to question her education since she hadn't completed her Phd.

I started going to therapy alone and working on myself. I realized how much of me I had given away for the relationship. I had lost myself. I had wanted to hold on to the relationship at any cost. It had happened so slowly, and over time, I just didn't realize it. I worked on getting stronger and regaining my self esteem. The therapist told me something to the effect of, ...when you plant a tree inside a house, and nurture it, you don't know just how big it will grow. Sometimes it grows through the roof.

I was shaking the day I filed for a divorce. My heart was beating like a rabbit. I wrote a ten thousand dollar check to retain my attorney. I had two small children and no idea how I was going to support us. I didn't have a degree. I knew it would be hard and I didn't care. I was suffocating. I was sick a lot and I didn't even know what color I liked anymore. I had become indecisive and unsure of myself. He told me I was a bad mother and wife and I was beginning to believe him. I knew it would be a battle to leave, and I couldn't stay. I had panic attacks and I felt crazy. I was moving from the asset column to becoming a liability, in his thinking. He told me he'd destroy me and I would beg him to take me back. He said I was a frustrated emotional housewife with no backbone. I was scared, but his words spurred me on.

Our divorce went to trial because he wanted one. My lawyer said he was trying to take the kids to get my attention off of the money. I didn't care about the money. I remember when we rolled pennies to buy a 6 pack of beer to go to a party. He had forgotten that. The trial was hard to get through. He wanted to declare me unfit and he thought he had the power to do it. In the end, I was awarded sole custody of my kids and child support. I learned to let go of stuff and signed over the house. I was free. Today, I know it was worth every struggle.

I offer my story, although not the end, to anyone it may help. I've learned relationships are a balance. The most important one you have is with yourself and your God. Boundaries are very important to retaining one's sense of self while in an intimate relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Loving someone else doesn't mean you give yourself away.

I can't give expecting anything in return or I'll lose. Without yourself you have nothing. To thine own self be true. You can do just about anything you set your mind to accomplish. No one is coming to rescue me, take me away or make everything OK. It's up to me, and I can love and be loved along the way.

My transformation was from a hothouse flower into a mighty oak! I've learned to Hold My Space.

Happy Easter!

Today, like Christmas, is a day filled with many happy childhood and family memories for most of us. Sunny days, pastel colors, hats, a new dress and shoes comes to mind. One year, Mom dressed all of us alike. My youngest sister had to wear that same style dress for years. On a typical morning, we found our Easter baskets, ate too much candy and went to church. Mom told us the Easter bunny rode a bike and we believed her. We'd look for tracks in the sand. After lunch, we had an Easter egg hunt. Our parents would hide the eggs while we stayed inside. I remember anxiously waiting to be set free to run looking in the yard. We scrambled for the big prize, the golden egg. It could have as much as a dollar inside.

Dad took movies of us each Easter. Those old films are fun to watch. The color is amazing. I realize now they were all outside at Easter, or birthday parties, since Dad didn't have inside lights to film. (say at Christmas when it was cold) Seeing my Mom brings back a big wave of the love she had for us. We miss her. Easter was her favorite holiday and this is our second one without her here. We're still struggling since her passing has been just over a year. She would not want us to be sad. Knowing that helps me to remember how lucky we are to have had her.

We're having slushes today to celebrate. They are Moms' colorful creative concoction, a frozen fruit drink with vodka! She made them in pink, aqua and red for Christmas. Happy Easter!

You Don't Own Me

Ever felt like a possession? Not a good feeling. It's been my experience that the same guy who wants to control where you go and who you spend your time with, will also use abandonment to control you.

Has it become a problem when you want to spend time going out with your girlfriends? For me, that was a problem as well as doing something that included people besides just the two of us. He wasn't in control and I think he was threatened. If I went out without him, then he was not "available" later, when I might want to touch base with him. It felt like a punishing tactic he used. I learned it worked. I wasn't following his plan. He wasn't flexible. It became too much of a hassle for me to keep carving out time away from him. I learned something always happened when I made plans. I wasn't doing what he wanted me to.

If you are experiencing any of this, HOLD YOUR SPACE and pay attention to what you are feeling. Are you afraid you'll lose him or there will be consequences if you have a life separate from him and make your own choices? That's a problem and if you can't work it out, he's not worth it. Don't allow your world to become so small you lose your perspective like I did and can't see the forest for the trees.

Earth Hour

Today is Earth Hour Day. An hour is dedicated to raising awareness about climate change. It's a lesson in saving our Mother Earth by conserving energy. It takes place tonight, the last Saturday evening in March, from 8:30 to 9:30 pm local time. If you want to be a part of it, turn off your non essential lights. Billions of people will participate as it sweeps around the globe from New Zealand to Hawaii. Landmarks across the planet will be darkened as well.

Here's a link with more information on Earth Hours history and purpose as well as how you can participate. www.earthhour.com

Sea Monkies and The Gallery

I snapped this pic at a gallery downtown. It was a silent auction to benefit the environment. The title of the show was "Horrors of the Enchanted Wasteland." My piece is the Life Magazine cover in the background. Things were pretty slow. In a moment, a group of about twenty luminous pink Sea Monkies came cruising in as if they were going unnoticed and in street clothes. They walked through the gallery together looking at the pieces displayed. They were a very unusual alienlike presence. There were so many of them, they took over the space. It was fun to watch the reaction and amazement of the the people already in the gallery when they first noticed them.

The Sea Monkies costumes were identical and the details were executed to perfection. They each had a podlike bulbous pouch on the front, male or female, as if they were pregnant. Their feet were about 20" long. The Sea Monkies perused the gallery in near silence, talking amongst themselves about the art. It was Halloween. I spoke with one of them getting a drink at the bar. I learned they all work together for a large creative corporation. A group of professionals. Each year they design a costume and go out together to celebrate. I like this picture. It brings a smile to my face remembering them. They Held Their Space.

True That

True That Love is a wonderful thing. True That Love is the answer. True That Love Heals. True That there is plenty to go around. True That we all need it. True That From the Heart. True That relationships are often hard. True That balance is good. True That we each are self centered, we want our own way. True That if we change our point of view, it's better than we thought. True That our minds are powerful. True That Time Heals. True That we take a lot for granted. True That Health is a blessing and is the greatest gift of all. True That worry is a waste of time. True That letting go is the hardest and the easiest thing to do. True That feeling peaceful is a choice. True That we all deserve freedom and food. True That prayer is powerful. True That we are all one. True That War is not the answer. True That God is Good. True That there are many ways up the mountain. True That Your Light Shines on the world. True That a Champion resides in each one of us. True That Friendship is Gold. True That it all works out. True That Life is Fragile. True That Death is Certain. True That no one leaves here alive. True that we each depart this world alone.

Getting Started

I purchased these beautiful pastels and they just arrived in the mail. They are made in Switzerland and are water soluble. The colors are so vivid they remind me of Spring and new beginnings. ( It's snowing today in Texas and on the first day of Spring, weird ) I'm a tad intimidated to get started. They look so perfect it's kind of hard to mess them up! No more Excuses. It's time to get them on paper.

I haven't done anything with my art for a long time. ( ok, a Bird and a Fish I did draw) I bought more than a hundred feet of cotton paper over a year ago. It has been standing in a corner of my closet. I keep putting it off and waiting until I think I have the time. When will that be? I'm Procrastinating. I have lots of ideas that stay in my head, like creative constipation. As my son says, "...nothin' to it but to do it." I'm finally taking the action to make it happen. I'm Holding My Space in the flow of action and new beginnings.

St Paddy's Day

St. Patricks' Day, March 17th, signals the end of winter. The day we celebrate, March 17th, is the day of his passing. (387-461) Lore has it that after this day you can plant your garden without fear of frost. St Patrick, the patron Saint of Ireland, was not originally from there. Patrick was born in Britain and was the son of a wealthy deacon. He was captured by Irish raiders at sixteen and taken to Ireland where he worked as a slave for six years. Patrick's spiritual life began during the time he was captured. He worked alone as a shepherd on a mountainside and began a life of prayer. Patrick escaped to France, possibly with the help of some people he had befriended. He studied there and became a Priest.

Once Patrick became a Bishop, he was sent to Ireland to convert the Irish people to Christianity. Many were Druids and considered pagans. He knew the language and taught the Irish using some of the mysticism he learned while he lived in Ireland as a slave. He explained the Holy Trinity, using a shamrock to symbolize The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the 3 parts of the one. Patrick is known to have held up a Shamrock to save himself from the King. His was the only bloodless spiritual conversion in history. The Lucky Shamrock was a symbol that worked for him. Wear your green today in honor of St Patrick.

The Ides of March

Beware the Ides of March, or March 15th. I do know that Julius Caesar was betrayed today in 44 BC. He was murdered in the Roman Senate by conspirators. The famous line "e tu Brute'?" Like, even you Brutus? Has everyone turned against me? Seems like it was so. Julius had been warned by a sage to Beware the Ides of March.

We've all been there and felt the sting and pain and just how bad betrayal is. We usually don't even see it coming. The depth of the relationship is a gauge for how bad the betrayal hurts. It's just never the same after being betrayed. It can be by a a lover, friend, boss, or family member. There's usually a secret and a lie involved. Trust is broken in a way that often there is no going back to before. Ask Caesar.

Birthday Shoes

I found these shoes yesterday and I'm pretty excited about them! They are a birthday gift for a dear friend. If they were my size it would be hard to give them up! My fingers are crossed that she'll like them. I hope they are funky enough and not too "granny." They were unearthed at Salvation Army and I paid a whopping 27.99 for them. The price is indelibly marked on the bottom of each sole with a bright green marker. No mistaking where they came from and we'll laugh about it! She'll have to be careful where she puts her feet up.

They are Bellini, I'm not sure how old. The color is a rich gold leather, (which she likes) and they are in next to mint condition. The curvy textured snakeskin attachment in gold and black on the front is a statement maker!

Time Changes Everything

Time Changes Everything. Like when we get up tomorrow. Spring Forward. What I'm saying is, it changes many things. I still love chocolate and shoes. There's a purse or skirt or chair I had to have that isn't so great anymore. It's true with men, too. My taste is different. My experience over time is what changed me. I make better choices. I learned a lot and I grew up.

Time does change ones' perspective. (I have more low lights now) What was important to me, not so much anymore. My time is spent much more wisely. Priorities. I know Time is precious. I have a smaller circle of a few dear friends. I've grown to be my own person. I know myself and speak my mind with less filter or I keep my mouth shut. I Love my freedom and friends and family. (and the beach) Time has not changed that.

Spring for Shoes

I usually write about relationships and getting through breakups. My goal is to help anyone with what I've learned. On a lighter note, today it's nearly Spring and a great time for new beginnings. I've been Spring cleaning and clearing out for new and greater additions to my closet. I love going to flea markets, thrift stores and garage sales to locate that perfect and unique treasure. I love shoes! There are many great finds out there. Here are some I discovered and just couldn't pass up. Like a hunter showing off her prize, here they are. I was thrilled to find these!

They were $12.00 at a thrift store. Inside they are brown leather, and say Stuart Weitzman for Martinque Made in Spain in Gold. They are raw silk and have peep toes. I have no idea how old they are. They are in perfect shape and a great fit! I'm thinking Easter!

visit seaofshoes.com for shoes and great fashion.

Survival Tools: The Breakup

Surviving the Breakup. If you are like me, the breakup like any major loss, is all consuming. You forget to take care of yourself. You just don't care and feel immobilized. Care you must, you're all you've got. This is a Basic Survival List of what I've learned that helped me get to the other side of grieving.

1. Eat Healthy Foods. Make a list and stock your frig. Get a friend to go for you if you are feeling bedridden and can't leave your house. You must eat. Avoid junk food and sugar. Fresh, live foods are best. Add in some protein. It will help to keep your blood sugars stable and you to feel better. Take care of your body.

2. Drink Water it's cleansing. Avoid alcohol, it won't help you and will just add in a hangover. Too much coffee or caffeinated tea will make your heart race and you don't need that. (It can add to panic) Just a cup in the morning to avoid a big headache. Fresh juices are good too. Drink lots of water to hydrate your cells and flush out the toxins.

3. Move. Make yourself take a walk outside. No excuses. Breathe in the fresh air. Be Grateful. It's not a brain tumor, it's a breakup. Cry if you need to, it's a release, and will help you let it go. The crazy feelings come from trying to hold it in. Let go of trying to control.

4. Breathe. It will help to calm you. if you feel panic, begin to teach yourself to get calm and center. Breathe again. It will bring oxygen to your cells and help your body relax. Ground. Imagine yourself strong like a tree with roots deep into the earth to steady and ground you. It's the shallow breathing and resulting stress of flight or fight that can be overwhelming.

5. Thought Stopping. It's a cognitive tool so you don't spend your day thinking about him. You have 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening to ruminate and obsess about him. That's all. Create a boundary with your thoughts so they will not consume your day. Avoid talking endlessly with your friends about him, it can keep you stuck. Let them support you and be there for you. Talk about how you feel and a plan to move on. They can help.

6. Call for help. If you need to find a therapist to sort it through, make the call. You will be lead to the right person to help you. It can help to make sense of your choices and your patterns. The breakup can feel like an out of body experience. If you feel panic and overwhelmed they can help you center and gain some perspective. You are not crazy. You will heal. Trust that.

7. Rest. It is key to your healing. Let your body rejuvenate. Take care of it. Take a shower, relax. Take a bath, relax. The water will help to calm your emotions and soothe you. Focus on rest and taking care of yourself. Get a calming CD and listen to it. Nurture and Love yourself. You've been through a lot and it's traumatic.

8. Pray. Prayer is powerful. Ask for help and guidance. It will come. Sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Be aware and be willing to follow it.

9. Think about what you want. Visualize it. Where do you want to be? Write about it in your journal. Create and visualize the life you want to lead and what you want in it. Your thoughts are powerful. You are creating your life with every thought you think. Make it what you want.

10. Trust yourself. Listen to the voice inside you that is guiding you. It is your wisdom. Rely on it to lead you. HOLD YOUR SPACE for all the good life has for you and align with it.

Your Heart Aches

It's over but you're not over him. You may think about him and what could have been way too much throughout the day. You may feel panic at being alone and without him in your life. Why didn't it work? You feel stuck and miserable. It's like an altered state. You miss him and what you had together. Your heart aches and you long for him. You feel rejected even if you're the one that ended it. It's a hard time and you will get through it.

The relationship looks better when you're not in it and on your own. You forget the real reasons it didn't work. Think about those things. Maybe you didn't want to listen to yourself. Now it's time. It wasn't all your fault or all his. Maybe you just weren't a good fit. Instead of going a lot farther down the road, it's over now. You saved yourself more heartache and time.

Bring a little reality into the mix and don't put a halo on him or on you. Do your best to look at the facts. What were the things you know in your gut were the real deal breakers? What were the red flags you tried to overlook? What can you learn about yourself? What will you do different in a future relationship? Keep a journal. You'll be able to see your progress on the pages.

Look at your life and past relationships. How did you get through those endings? What helped you move forward and let go? Move forward you will. You can go kicking and screaming or just go. As trite as it sounds, time does heal all wounds.
And so will you.

Rainbow Days

Today was gray and rainy. We gave a luncheon for 24 people. Thankfully, I wasn't caught in the rain until after it was over. On my way home from work, the sun popped out. I took this picture while in the left turn lane and pulled over to get a better picture. The rainbow was gone in an instant as the sun retreated behind the clouds.

A picture of a rainbow never does it justice. They are so large and beautiful in real life. I've always felt they were lucky so I'm posting this pic to pass on the luck.

P.S. The Gold at the end of this rainbow is Neiman Marcus.

Let It Ride

I have a friend, she's actually a longtime friend of my good friend. She's been in a relationship for over 3 years with a man 20 years her senior. She has wanted to marry him and hoped he would propose. She's been the lovely woman on his arm for many functions all over the city. She is the perfect hostess and has waited patiently for him to put a ring on her finger. He is a wealthy man, a widower and he has grown children not much younger than she is.

They broke up for a brief period not long ago and she met a handsome European man close to her age. She and Mr. Euro saw each other many evenings and she fell for him. They had great chemistry and fit well together. They even had their businesses in common. It was looking promising, until she began to hear from the older man and went back to him. She tried to keep them both without being completely honest with either. I smelled disaster. She was being duplicitous and it bit her bad. Now she has neither one.

It didn't work with the older man for the same reasons it never did. She told Mr. Euro the truth and he would not return her calls after she came clean. She called, texted and then (UH OH) went to his house and knocked on the door. His parents were visiting from abroad and were there to open the door. He was not. They made pleasantries (his parents do not speak much English) and she went on her way. She texted him again that her circumstances had changed and has heard "not a word". I was told she was "coming unraveled" and going to his house uninvited was a sure sign she was desperate.

When asked my advice. I passed on: Let It Ride. Do not text, call, write or show up on his door step! If there is any chance she will hear from him, it will be after his parents have left town and he has time to digest her misdeeds. If he can forgive the fact that she had been lying to him throughout many of their fun and romantic times together, there's a slim chance she may hear from him. I doubt it.

Once you have betrayed a man, trust is toast. If you are sleeping with two men at the same time, and lying about it, you get what you deserve. I may sound like a hard ass. You cheat yourself with the lie. The lesson is hard and one well worth learning.

HOLD YOUR SPACE and Let It Ride. It's your own forgiveness you need.

He Looks Good On Paper

Ever been with someone who has all the traits you are looking for but it's not working? He's handsome, successful, you have some chemistry and similar values. Your parents would love him. He looks good on paper (check check check) but somethings missing?

It's hard to end a relationship like this. Sometimes he's really into you and it flatters your ego. You love the compliments and good company. You tend to ask yourself what's wrong with me? Why do I want to end this and send this great person on his way? Well, integrity for one. You don't want to waste your time or his by leading him on. If you can't shift him into the good friend role, it's better to be alone than hang on hoping something will shift in you.

He doesn't match up with your insides and it's OK. There's a missing link between the two of you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Spend some time getting to know yourself better, then you'll have more clarity on who's the right person for you.

A Terrier with a Garden Hose

Taxes, I dread them. We all have to file them and I'm just getting started for this year. It would not be so difficult if I were better organized and did not procrastinate. I push myself for motivation. As I begin I'm reminded of this story of Jingles.

We had a dog named Jingles who loved to tear up garden hoses. Our home was on an acre and we had no sprinkling system. Hoses were a must to keep the yard green and well maintained in the hot Texas sun.

Jingles was obsessed with hoses. If I was in a hurry and forgot to remove even a sliver from his grasp, the hose was toast when I returned. He could make short order of a fairly expensive garden hose in an afternoon. It was a battle of wits with the dog. I often lost due to my preoccupation and a hectic schedule.

The obsessive terrier would chew hoses into 2 foot sections and leave them scattered all over the yard. I still have a visual of him tearing the hose with reckless abandon and total glee. He pounced on hoses as if they were some evil life threatening creature lurking in the yard. He was our fearless protector. Once he had won the battle and started on a hose, I just let him finish his job of totally tearing it up. It was frustrating to lose another hose but entertaining to watch. He looked like he was spring loaded and bolted several feet off the ground as he frolicked and chewed. He was just a blur of brown and white fur. The terrier would shake his head side to side no less than twenty times in a row as fast as you can imagine as he ripped each section methodically. He was an expert and he was thorough.

I leave you with this visual of Jingles. When I think of him (may he rest in peace) I smile and know that any task I have ahead of me, no matter how daunting, (even taxes) I can tackle it with a fervor. Like a terrier with a garden hose.

Dandy Andy

Dandy Andy

On my to do list...

There is an exhibit of Andy Warhols work from the 1980s "Andy Warhol: The Last Decade Exhibition and Programs" It is showing at The Modern in Fort Worth, through May 16th and I hear it is a "must see". Check it out online http//www.themodern.org