Early Sex

I'm not talking about sex early in the morning.  I'm talking about sex early in the relationship. Early sex clouds things up and muddies the waters. It takes the relationship to a physically intimate level prematurely. You don't really know him. The budding relationship is put to rest on the back burner and beside the point. Now its the sexual tension front and center. We are no longer getting to know each other, we're now having sex. All kinds of "stuff" can surface before you know if you ever want to see this person again. Expectations you didn't know you had can raise their ugly head. You can't turn back the clock. You've crossed the line forever.  You may be living in the "Love Bubble" temporarily and loving the new buzz of the relationship. It can wear off as quickly as it started when reality sets in. Early sex shortchanges the real courting process and complicates matters. You've put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

I've heard women friends roll their eyes and say, "I wish I hadn't had sex with him so soon."  Her regret is usually for one of two reasons.

1) She's now more vulnerable. "Is he going to call?" She's feeling some panic. When he does, she's afraid he'll think less of her and just stay for the sex, or he'll go away entirely. She feels insecure. She can make up any excuse to herself as to why she did it. Was it the romance, the wine, the moment? She's given away some of her power and she knows it, since she doesn't really know him. There's no groundwork or foundation laid for the relationship. She's not sure where this is going or what his intentions are. She knows she had sex with him too soon.


2) She's finding out, after sex, the more she's getting to know him, the less she's into him. He's really serious about her, he's smitten.  He likes having sex with her and wants a long term committed relationship. He's ready to park his car in her garage, permanently. He's making all kinds of plans about their future together. She's not even sure she can see herself with him.  She's over it. She feels guilty about ending it and also feels some pressure to stay in it. He's so good to her and so is the sex. It's fun to have someone in her life. She doesn't want to lead him on and she doesn't want to hurt him. She knows she had sex with him too soon.

So HOLD YOUR SPACE instant gratification isn't all it's cracked up to be. Get to know who the person really is. Clarity is your friend. Decide if you want to have any future with him at all before you take your clothes off.

You Can Fly

I received an update from my friend who was struggling over her breakup back in January, a few long months ago. (See: Love Sick) She writes:

"I have been able FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER; to cut Bill (name changed) off-without having that anxious, I'm going to die without him feeling. I have not had the urge to call or text him. I told him that I was finally at the point where I could let him go and let us both move on. Since that time I have not contacted him in any way. I do think of him still every day, but without the need to call or text or write anything. The dysfunction I was feeling seems to be going away. I am not as stressed about things. I was having some impatient moods, but that seems to be subsiding. I am so happy about this. I feel like a caterpillar in my cocoon. By the summer I hope to break out as a beautiful butterfly."

I include her words, with her permission, as a help to other women struggling with the ending of a relationship. Time and distance do heal a broken heart.

My friend has worked hard to move on. She has grieved, been angry and hurt over this man. She also attributes some of her progress to a meditation and relaxation CD she has been listening to. I pass this information on to anyone it may help. Hold Your Space

I Get You

My friend of about 14 years is going through a court proceeding. In an effort to support her, I went with her for an added boost of "friend". She's been there with me. Being in the courtroom brought back many memories for me of my NINE and a half years of divorce litigation. I married a meth and coke addicted crazy man. It took me that long to get a divorce.

I didn't know these things when I married him because I didn't wait long enough to get to know who he really was. I was swept away by his kindness and generosity. He was wonderful to me and my children and I thought he was a dream come true. It was, in fact, a very long nightmare.

I had just finished graduate school. I'd spent the last three years in serious study, working, in class, or in the library researching and writing papers. Not much fun. I met him at my brothers' surprise birthday party. He was my brothers' new best friend. He was 11 years younger than I was and so much fun. I didn't see that as a red flag. I felt like I had crawled out of a cave and into the light of day. We were so happy together, but it didn't last.

Yes, I married a possessive, obsessive, abusive, very wealthy, drug addicted crazy man. Of course I didn't know all of this when I married him. There's a lot to be said for waiting until you really get to know someone before walking down the aisle. It didn't take long for the truth to reveal itself. I had stepped into the twilight zone and there was no easy way out. I narrowly escaped in the middle of the night after just six months of marriage. I was running scared with my son and found refuge at my parents home. I couldn't believe this had become my life. I later went away to Canada for several months and moved four times. He could always find me.

I kept my address as my parents on all my employer, bank, billing and credit card information, including my drivers license. I didn't want where I was living or anything about me in any computer system. The post office had already given him my second address. I would pick up my mail once a week at my parents. I was in hiding. I lost contact with some of my friends because I disappeared like I was in a witness protection program. I was running scared and I isolated out of fear for my life. It was often a lonely time, although I stayed connected so my family knew I was OK. I learned to Hold My Space or lose my mind.

I paid the price of untold stress, looking over my shoulder, and fearing for my safety for nine and a half years. He had pushed me around, broken things, torn up my clothes and thrown my purse with my car keys into the pool so I couldn't leave. He ran me off the road on a big city freeway. He not only kept me against my will, he later found me and just came through my front door. It was 3:00 am, I was deep in sleep and he broke down the front door completely, trim and all. It's taken me a very long time to get a good nights' sleep after that experience. I had many many nightmares and it was all very traumatic. I had gotten myself into this horrible nightmare and I was doing my best to get out. I was on the ropes much of the time and felt constantly terrorized. I was working and doing my best to keep my head on straight. I had to become resourceful in order to stay ahead of him. I didn't think like he did and never knew where he was coming from. It was hard to relax.

Because of all of his money he thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. He thought he owned me. I had stepped into another world with different rules. His family was prominent, powerful and very wealthy. There were private jets, private boxes for sporting events, balls and galas, racehorses, race cars, a racing boat, a 53 foot yacht, lake house, vacation homes and on and on... His mother had a million dollar diamond ring. He had great legal representation, the best money could buy. His family protected him. They didn't want anything "bad" to go down on his record even though I know they knew he was guilty.

I called the police, filed criminal charges and had a protective order. It didn't matter. He wouldn't go away. I knew he carried a gun and one time, the police stopped him for speeding and took him to jail. That just made him more angry at me. It was a violation of the protective order. Finally, on another violation, the judge found him guilty of assaulting me and breaking the protective order again. He had crashed an iron lamp into my head causing a concussion. He was fined, ordered to stay away from me, and serve 2 years probation.

I moved 4 times. The last time was to a high rise with tight 24 hour security and cameras. It's like a fortress. My daughter called it "The Lock Inn." The detective investigating my case said "Lady you need a place with 24 hour security and cameras, this guy can get in where most people can't." I can sleep now, but not because of where I live, it's because he's dead.

Two months, almost to the day, after my trial and divorce was over, he died in a snowmobile accident. His family has a 12 bedroom vacation home on a lake they own up North. I researched newspaper articles in the city where he died. I read he failed to navigate a turn and ran his snowmobile into a tree. It said the people with him tried to revive him at the scene, but he was dead on impact of massive head injuries. I did not feel sad at all, although I never wished him any harm. I was just relieved. I felt the weight of the world off of me and I could finally relax. My life was mine again. I knew I would never have to look over my shoulder or be afraid he would find me, hurt me or hurt anyone close to me. I was free of him and grateful to have made it through all of it alive.

When I explained to my friend last week, "There will be a lot of sitting and waiting on benches and other people will be making decisions about your life. So just let go, pray and do your best to stay centered, it will be a long process. You have no control, you'll get through it and be stronger on the other side." She looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I get you." She knows I've been there.
HOLD YOUR SPACE

I write this to help anyone out there who may be going through something similar. There is help. If you have small children, there are shelters to protect you. Go there. Do not take a chance by staying. Death is permanent. Get out now and don't go back no matter what he tells you. Many women are murdered each year by their abusers. Your children need you and you don't want to be a statistic.

Go to this link www.ndvh.org  for information or call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) for 24/7 anonymous and confidential help. They have a "quick escape" program.

No Boundaries vs. Walls

I had no boundaries and he had walls. It took a few months of therapy for me to wrap my mind around that one. I wanted it to work. I was supportive of his needs with his career while I gave up having one of my own. I loved him the way I wanted him to love me. I know many women have followed this path. We met in college, I didn't finish and I worked to put him through his last year. It was our plan and we were a team.

I was a stay at home Mom. I became an excellent personal assistant and life coach. I taught him which fork to use. We strategized, planned and discussed his career. I was there for him at his beck and call. I loved him. I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be a good wife. I learned this from my Mom and it had worked for my parents.

I used my design skills and remodeled several homes while my children were little and at home. We made a substantial profit on each one. The last one was pretty fantastic. We had a maid, pool men, gardeners and later a cook. I gave great dinner parties, selected his clothing, and made polite cocktail conversation. Showed up whenever he needed me like I'd been resting all day. The perfect wife, every mans' most important accessory.

Things rolled along pretty smoothly and we had close to a perfect life. As he made more and more money and became more successful, I felt something slipping. He didn't need me anymore. He had all the power. He emotionally left the partnership we had. I felt it at my core. I lived with the uneasy feeling I didn't matter to him anymore. As I write this, I feel the pain of remembering how hurt and lost I felt. He was making big deals and lots of money. I was no longer a part of it. He didn't confide in me anymore. He was absorbed in making the deals. I remember wanting to spend more time with him and asking him what it would take. His response was one I'll never forget. He told me how hard he worked and that he bought me a Mercedes, diamond ring and a fur coat, What else did I want? Why wasn't I happy? I felt like I'd created a Frankenstein and I didn't know him anymore.

I started a part time interior design business. Despite his protestations, I worked while the kids were in school. He said "What? Don't you have enough money?" One day he came home and told me, almost as an afterthought, "Oh , you're out of business." The accountants had shut down my budding business. He said I just wasn't making enough money to warrant staying open. I remember having several outstanding orders and feeling very deflated, embarrassed and undermined. (Later, in the divorce, he took my remaining inventory, my wonderful pieces, as community property.)

We were spending good money in therapy for him to manage me. In one particular session, the topic was very strained. I had forgotten to pick up his shirts and he wanted a particular shirt for the next day. The therapist suggested he pick up his own shirts or we have them delivered. His face showed his surprise and dismay. He didn't want to go to her anymore. He said he thought she was a lesbian. He began to question her education since she hadn't completed her Phd.

I started going to therapy alone and working on myself. I realized how much of me I had given away for the relationship. I had lost myself. I had wanted to hold on to the relationship at any cost. It had happened so slowly, and over time, I just didn't realize it. I worked on getting stronger and regaining my self esteem. The therapist told me something to the effect of, ...when you plant a tree inside a house, and nurture it, you don't know just how big it will grow. Sometimes it grows through the roof.

I was shaking the day I filed for a divorce. My heart was beating like a rabbit. I wrote a ten thousand dollar check to retain my attorney. I had two small children and no idea how I was going to support us. I didn't have a degree. I knew it would be hard and I didn't care. I was suffocating. I was sick a lot and I didn't even know what color I liked anymore. I had become indecisive and unsure of myself. He told me I was a bad mother and wife and I was beginning to believe him. I knew it would be a battle to leave, and I couldn't stay. I had panic attacks and I felt crazy. I was moving from the asset column to becoming a liability, in his thinking. He told me he'd destroy me and I would beg him to take me back. He said I was a frustrated emotional housewife with no backbone. I was scared, but his words spurred me on.

Our divorce went to trial because he wanted one. My lawyer said he was trying to take the kids to get my attention off of the money. I didn't care about the money. I remember when we rolled pennies to buy a 6 pack of beer to go to a party. He had forgotten that. The trial was hard to get through. He wanted to declare me unfit and he thought he had the power to do it. In the end, I was awarded sole custody of my kids and child support. I learned to let go of stuff and signed over the house. I was free. Today, I know it was worth every struggle.

I offer my story, although not the end, to anyone it may help. I've learned relationships are a balance. The most important one you have is with yourself and your God. Boundaries are very important to retaining one's sense of self while in an intimate relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Loving someone else doesn't mean you give yourself away.

I can't give expecting anything in return or I'll lose. Without yourself you have nothing. To thine own self be true. You can do just about anything you set your mind to accomplish. No one is coming to rescue me, take me away or make everything OK. It's up to me, and I can love and be loved along the way.

My transformation was from a hothouse flower into a mighty oak! I've learned to Hold My Space.

You Don't Own Me

Ever felt like a possession? Not a good feeling. It's been my experience that the same guy who wants to control where you go and who you spend your time with, will also use abandonment to control you.

Has it become a problem when you want to spend time going out with your girlfriends? For me, that was a problem as well as doing something that included people besides just the two of us. He wasn't in control and I think he was threatened. If I went out without him, then he was not "available" later, when I might want to touch base with him. It felt like a punishing tactic he used. I learned it worked. I wasn't following his plan. He wasn't flexible. It became too much of a hassle for me to keep carving out time away from him. I learned something always happened when I made plans. I wasn't doing what he wanted me to.

If you are experiencing any of this, HOLD YOUR SPACE and pay attention to what you are feeling. Are you afraid you'll lose him or there will be consequences if you have a life separate from him and make your own choices? That's a problem and if you can't work it out, he's not worth it. Don't allow your world to become so small you lose your perspective like I did and can't see the forest for the trees.

Survival Tools: The Breakup

Surviving the Breakup. If you are like me, the breakup like any major loss, is all consuming. You forget to take care of yourself. You just don't care and feel immobilized. Care you must, you're all you've got. This is a Basic Survival List of what I've learned that helped me get to the other side of grieving.

1. Eat Healthy Foods. Make a list and stock your frig. Get a friend to go for you if you are feeling bedridden and can't leave your house. You must eat. Avoid junk food and sugar. Fresh, live foods are best. Add in some protein. It will help to keep your blood sugars stable and you to feel better. Take care of your body.

2. Drink Water it's cleansing. Avoid alcohol, it won't help you and will just add in a hangover. Too much coffee or caffeinated tea will make your heart race and you don't need that. (It can add to panic) Just a cup in the morning to avoid a big headache. Fresh juices are good too. Drink lots of water to hydrate your cells and flush out the toxins.

3. Move. Make yourself take a walk outside. No excuses. Breathe in the fresh air. Be Grateful. It's not a brain tumor, it's a breakup. Cry if you need to, it's a release, and will help you let it go. The crazy feelings come from trying to hold it in. Let go of trying to control.

4. Breathe. It will help to calm you. if you feel panic, begin to teach yourself to get calm and center. Breathe again. It will bring oxygen to your cells and help your body relax. Ground. Imagine yourself strong like a tree with roots deep into the earth to steady and ground you. It's the shallow breathing and resulting stress of flight or fight that can be overwhelming.

5. Thought Stopping. It's a cognitive tool so you don't spend your day thinking about him. You have 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening to ruminate and obsess about him. That's all. Create a boundary with your thoughts so they will not consume your day. Avoid talking endlessly with your friends about him, it can keep you stuck. Let them support you and be there for you. Talk about how you feel and a plan to move on. They can help.

6. Call for help. If you need to find a therapist to sort it through, make the call. You will be lead to the right person to help you. It can help to make sense of your choices and your patterns. The breakup can feel like an out of body experience. If you feel panic and overwhelmed they can help you center and gain some perspective. You are not crazy. You will heal. Trust that.

7. Rest. It is key to your healing. Let your body rejuvenate. Take care of it. Take a shower, relax. Take a bath, relax. The water will help to calm your emotions and soothe you. Focus on rest and taking care of yourself. Get a calming CD and listen to it. Nurture and Love yourself. You've been through a lot and it's traumatic.

8. Pray. Prayer is powerful. Ask for help and guidance. It will come. Sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Be aware and be willing to follow it.

9. Think about what you want. Visualize it. Where do you want to be? Write about it in your journal. Create and visualize the life you want to lead and what you want in it. Your thoughts are powerful. You are creating your life with every thought you think. Make it what you want.

10. Trust yourself. Listen to the voice inside you that is guiding you. It is your wisdom. Rely on it to lead you. HOLD YOUR SPACE for all the good life has for you and align with it.

Your Heart Aches

It's over but you're not over him. You may think about him and what could have been way too much throughout the day. You may feel panic at being alone and without him in your life. Why didn't it work? You feel stuck and miserable. It's like an altered state. You miss him and what you had together. Your heart aches and you long for him. You feel rejected even if you're the one that ended it. It's a hard time and you will get through it.

The relationship looks better when you're not in it and on your own. You forget the real reasons it didn't work. Think about those things. Maybe you didn't want to listen to yourself. Now it's time. It wasn't all your fault or all his. Maybe you just weren't a good fit. Instead of going a lot farther down the road, it's over now. You saved yourself more heartache and time.

Bring a little reality into the mix and don't put a halo on him or on you. Do your best to look at the facts. What were the things you know in your gut were the real deal breakers? What were the red flags you tried to overlook? What can you learn about yourself? What will you do different in a future relationship? Keep a journal. You'll be able to see your progress on the pages.

Look at your life and past relationships. How did you get through those endings? What helped you move forward and let go? Move forward you will. You can go kicking and screaming or just go. As trite as it sounds, time does heal all wounds.
And so will you.

He Looks Good On Paper

Ever been with someone who has all the traits you are looking for but it's not working? He's handsome, successful, you have some chemistry and similar values. Your parents would love him. He looks good on paper (check check check) but somethings missing?

It's hard to end a relationship like this. Sometimes he's really into you and it flatters your ego. You love the compliments and good company. You tend to ask yourself what's wrong with me? Why do I want to end this and send this great person on his way? Well, integrity for one. You don't want to waste your time or his by leading him on. If you can't shift him into the good friend role, it's better to be alone than hang on hoping something will shift in you.

He doesn't match up with your insides and it's OK. There's a missing link between the two of you. HOLD YOUR SPACE Spend some time getting to know yourself better, then you'll have more clarity on who's the right person for you.