Catholic school trauma

I woke up this morning very early with the panic inside me of a rabbit with a bobcat on it's tail! I dreamed I had a history test and I hadn't studied. I fully felt the terror of an 11 year old catholic school girl who was not prepared to sit for an exam and that's not pretty!

Anyone who's been to a catholic school knows that gut wrenching feeling of facing the nuns and being unprepared. It's like you are so wrong, a totally bad person. I felt that the nuns could see into my soul and they knew if I hadn't fully read, studied and whether I was completely prepared or not. They seemed to know everything!


I felt completely transparent, with no boundaries. They had a way of laying on the shame and guilt pretty thick. Back then, I had no idea how to hold my space. I was vulnerable to their emotional abuse. Some were Ok but they were rare.

I made straight A's in catholic schools. I was afraid not to. I didn't want to get into any trouble. I was quiet and stayed under the radar except for one time in sixth grade. I was writing notes to a friend and got into serious trouble. We both did. I was going to spend the night at Roberta's house and go horsebackriding. We were given so much work we barely had time to eat that night. Robertas mother brought dinner for us to her room. We started working as soon as we got to her house stayed up all night researching and writing all the reports we were assigned as well as math problems. The nun was just really mean and a bitch. I can write that now.
We didn't even question it. We just accepted the assignment and did every bit of it. She knew we planned to go riding and she didn't want us to have any fun. We were both caught red handed and took our punishment. ( I stayed out of trouble until high school chemistry class, but that's another story)
Thank God that was my last year a that school! I'll never forget it.
I've wondered what permanent effects the whole catholic school experience has had on my personality. Trying to be perfect and look perfect. Be smart, have all the answers. If you don't then pretend you do. Keep up the facade of being good all the time. Be quiet and stay in line. I learned to stay under the radar. Go undetected. I probably would have made a great secret agent.
The relief of the realization that it's 2011 and I'm grown, with no test to take was awesome!
And it's Saturday too! What could be better? Life is good.

Staycaction

I'm off for a few days and taking a staycation. I'm loving it. Indulging myself. It's kind like playing hooky from work and getting paid for it. I can roll back over instead of getting up. I find myself getting up anyway 'cause I'm not going to work. I'm enjoying the time without having to plan, pack, make a plane or drive. No stress. This way, I'll return rested instead of  having jetlag or no sleep after a trip. It's easy on the bank account.

Addiction the Master

Addiction the Master... You the Slave
Like any person or obsessive object of our affection (cigarettes, drugs, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, shoes, clothes, oh..and work) We can become a slave to our desires. Therein lies our potential downfall.
I've learned, mostly the hard way, it's all a distraction. Just a way to avoid dealing with the real problem, me. At times, I have been obsessive and feeling crazy over things that were completely out of my control. The one and ONLY thing I can change is me. Addictions distract us from the one thing we actually have some power over. Change is tough, and it can be grueling as we begin to face our demons. Pain is usually a good motivator for change. For me, when the pain becomes great enough, somehow I change. When we get to the point when we say "uncle" we're usually on our way.
Nothing outside us is really going to make us happy anyway. It's transient. I know now it's an inside job. Plain and simple, obsession and addiction are a matter of  low self value. It's a quest to find that "quick fix" to make everything OK. I've taken the short cut, the easy way, to feel better without even realizing it. I thought it was love, ( needy love) anything to avoid dealing with me.
                                 HOLD YOUR SPACE
Love Addiction can enslave us unless we wake up and get some self discipline working for us. Prayer sure helps too. Cut to the chase. We must learn to love ourselves first and then we can give it away.  The loving relationship that begins with you is what truly matters.

Cut the Strings

Happy New Year! Cut the strings. Whatever it
is that is holding you back in your life, Cut the Strings. I set myself free. New Year, New beginnings. Fresh start now.

New Year New Beginnings

It's a time of hope, a renewed sense of purpose, and new beginnings! We can make the changes we know we need to make in our lives. Be a better person. Be kind. Think better thoughts for all of us. Do the right thing. Take better care of yourself. Love and appreciate yourself for the unique person you are. Stretch yourself. Do something hard for you to do. Say you're sorry. Give money to a good cause. Help someone out. Get out of debt. Speak up. Hold your space.
Think outside the box. Pray for peace. Live your new Life. You can do it. No better time than right now. HOLD YOUR SPACE for your new life.

Relationship Pain

Being in a relationship can hurt. I mean really, really hurt and the pain is like a giant cramp inside your body. You feel like you're going to die, and you want to. I'm sure it seems like you don't know how, but it helps to ground yourself and get back to center. It's usually about overwhelming  feelings. I felt abandoned and those abandonment issues go back to our early attachment issues and bonding.. But that's therapy talk. You have you, no matter what happens. Remember that. It may not seem like much when you're all wrapped around the axle about him/her and what he's doing and thinking. It's as if your life depends on him/her and it's so not true! Detach and Get a grip! (SEE: Survival Tools: The Breakup)
Put your energy into something you can change. YOU. Start by filling up your deflated self esteem. It's like a pancake right now and you're suffering.  Focus! Pray for help.
I remember being in so much pain and wanting to read something that could help me find my way out of feeling so obsessed and crazy. I didn't know how I had gotten myself in such bad shape or why. Today I know it was because I thought love was giving yourself away. I know better today. It's a long road back to center but once you get there you'll never loose that stillpoint again. My words are... "This is a big life lesson for you. No one can ever love you unless you learn to love yourself first."  No one else can do it for you, it's like going to the dentist. You must sit in that chair alone for the extraction, if that's what it comes to. The festering pain is gone and the healing begins. The sooner you start on your way back to you, the better. It must be done and it takes time. Heed the voice of experience: Don't jump back in again until you've done some work on you. The pain won't kill you and you need some Traction. Your pain will lessen when you begin to take your power back and get your feet under you.  holdyourspace There's no way out of this mess but through. Trust the process. I know that sounds trite when you want throw a screaming fit, but it's true. No man/woman can love you enough to make you OK. That's a fact! .. 'cause he/she can always take it away. Love yourself, it's lasting. and you're stuck with you, count on it.

Turkey Day Thanks

I'm thankful for all my blessings. My Dad is alive. Dad made it through a life threatening Emergency surgery and he's on the mend. At 87, that's a lot to be thankful for. It's a miracle really. Life is fragile and so very  precious.
He's been hospitalized for 3 weeks, 5 days in the ICU. It was touch and go for awhile. I'll never forget the monitor in the ICU when it read NO BREATH. I did my best to hold the space for his healing.  Dad please BREATHE.....I prayed.

He's home now, just in time to celebrate. In counting my blessings, that's number one. We'll all be together to celebrate, share life and it's fragile moment to moment miracles! Life is fragile and a gift.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Growing pains

It's hard to take a look at ourselves and see what were doing that isn't working. At least it is for me. I have lots of things that cloud the clarity of my vision. Ego maybe? I don't want to see my own flaws and shortcomings. I like to be right. (I'm in my comfort zone there.) It's always easier to see those things in someone else, and what they need to do.
So it often hurts to grow, when the clouds break and the light shines in the dark corners and there's the ugly truth. I'm wrong. Growing pains. Get over myself and move on. Dish me up another slice of humble pie. The more I get used to it the better person I'll be.

Lying Married Men: Wormeos

The Worms! the Cads!  They are Wormeos!

Nothing is more distasteful to me than a man (or a woman) who will cheat and run around on his wife (or her husband)

I have now joined the ranks of women who have been out with a married man, unbeknownst to me.
I have been out to dinner multiple times and even kissed him goodnight. When my friends asked me about him, I said " I'm just not sure about him." He seemed honest. Although I did feel the need to google him The first time I went out with him. Just  for confirmation. Everything he said checked out. Nowhere did I read he was a married man. He told me he had been married and divorced a long time ago. I believed him. He said he had been in serious relationships over the years and had lived with a woman. Seemed reasonable. For some reason I had some kind of doubt about him. I told a friend there was a missing puzzle piece and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 

An acquaintence through work had set me up with him. He was new to town and didn't know many
people. He called me right away to meet me, and we went soon after.
 
I was online this morning and saw a link to speech he had given last summer when he was inducted into the football hall of fame. I was curious to see what he had said and what kind of a speaker he was. At the end of his speech he thanked his wife for putting up with him "for all these years" ! Imagine my surprise! I was stunned and angry! If I had been really into him I 'm sure I'd be hurt, the Jerk! Live and learn. I'm learning more and more about trusting the part of me that knows when something is off. I suspected he might be dating other women or even have a girlfriend, but not a wife!( in another state) That never even crossed my mind.

He texted me about our upcoming date and wanted to see me Monday night. Said he couldn't wait..I texted back...
"So has your wife been putting up with you seeing other women all this time? I'm just not into small men. No"

I have heard not a word nor a letter text'd. Goodbye and Good riddance!
He's a good liar. I'm sure they all are! How sad, and I thought he was a decent man.  His poor wife! A good liar is not a good trait to have!

Wedding in Philly

I Went to a Family wedding in Philly this last weekend and I don't like to fly.
My Dad, sis, bro and I flew together on a very scary flight. After the door to the plane was closed and we all were belted in, sitting on the Tarmac, the flight attendent takes the mike. She says "I don't know if you've heard the news.... Pregnant pause...( what ??? We all wondered?) she continued with, "the weather on the east coast is abominable! The pilot has two alternate airports where we can land if we don't make it". " In all of my years of flying I've never had a flight attendent say anything clsoe to what she said. I was mortified!

I'm thinking, "Can I get off this plane?" (inner silent scream)
The flight was three hours and the first two were ok except for the fear of what was to come. Ugh! Glad I asked my doc for xanax since I'm always on the verge of a panic attack with flying anyway.
We bounced around, starting about two plus hours into the flight. Then we were in the clouds, with no visibility. I had my eyes closed and was doing my best to center myself and not come unraveled, Hold Your Space. Do what you preach. I asked my brother to please stop talking to me. I know he was trying to help by distracting me. I just wanted to  freak out alone and try to manage my overwhelming fear ... Chill and hold my space

Anyway, the plane blew side to side, wings up and down. The plane would drop, leaving that weightless feeling in my stomach, which I hate. As we were bouncing in for the final approach, my sister and brother each linked arms with me for the landing simultaneously. My eyes were closed, so I don't know if they planned it or were just as afraid as I was. We made it. My brother said the right wing nearly hit the runway, and my sister said she saw white water directly below us ( the Delaware river we learned later) I have almost never been as relieved to land! (only a Hawaiian islands flight was worse)  Whew! what a wild ride. I wanted to hug the pilot and kiss the ground. I thanked him for getting us there. ( alive ) my Dad ( the flight instructor ) was critiquing and complimenting the pilots landing and telling him what a good job he did with his approach.
As we were renting the car, I learned it was hurricane Nicole ending her reign of terror! It was her last hurrah up the coast! I had no idea and I'd been checking the weather every day on my iphone. I thought I was in the know!  If  I'd known about the hurricane, I would have opted out and missed a great time at the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful and we had a fab time. The stress of the flight was worth it since we made it and lived to tell about it.

Hedging

Let me count the ways...ok too many to count.
Let's just talk love and money.
Probably many many bets hedged on wall street but more I in love is my guess.

Ending it...

I have had some friendships with female friends that have ended, and it's usually because we just drift apart or outgrow each other. It's the ending of the love relationship that's the tough one to get to the other side of. Breaking up is hard to do!

I have a friend who is struggling with a break up. She says she wants to end it, but she feels guilty because he's so good to her and she doesn't want to hurt him. I've been her sounding board on this one and I've asked her why she feels so guilty? She says she 's not sure. She knows he wants to marry her. She's learned, over the course of the relationship, she doesn't want to marry him.  She hasn't told him. She's enjoyed his attention and affection and the time they spend together.  His feelings have developed more quickly and now she's feeling pressured. It never seems to work when there's not a balance of feelings and one person is clearly up in the air over the other.

She's never told him she loves him. She enjoys his company, their dates and the sex. She told me he helps her with many things around her house. I told her it might make it easier for her to end it ( I can be direct) if she thought about the fact that maybe she's just being selfish by keeping him around and allowing him to think there's a chance, now that she's sure she doesn't want to marry him. (Why does marriage have to become such a point of contention?)

She just looked at me. I don't think she understood where I'm coming from. I've told her she's wasting his time and more importantly, hers. I think she's holding on because it's hard to let go of a good thing. She 's probably hoping she'll wake up one morning and feel the love for him that he has for her. Maybe it's the fact that she wants to be married and this is pretty close to it. He's just not the right guy. It's hard to let go, move on and start over. This is comfortable and he's a good man. Along with the guilt she feels about hurting him there's fear and the knowing she'll be alone again. The bottom line is, she's not in love with him and she knows it. Better to be honest and set them both free.

P.S. She finally ended it 6 months later and although tough, she's moved on.

Laptop resuscitation

I have learned from my computer guru
I had 40 trojan viruses andvarious other viruses totaling over 100 on
my laptop ! It's a wonder it could be saved. He's still working on it diligently.
I let my virus protection lapse and therein lies the problem.
i didn't get a bill or a warning it had expired soooo I just didn't even concern myself
Or realize my lack of coverage. So let this be a lesson, although it may be super elementary to most,
check your virus coverage! I realized there was a problem when a porn website popped up automatically and then my email account was hacked into . Whoever did the damage sent an email to all of my people stating I was in wales England had been robbed and need money wired to me to get home!I was unable to warn my friends
about the bogus email since they cleverly locked me out of my own email account I lost my entire list of friends email addresses. Soon I began to receive lots of phone calls and emails on my cell and at work. Friend and family were checkng in with me ( at least those who didn't know I was in the USA ) it's been a mess!! I've had to change my email with banks credit cards etc .... So check that virus protection.
I'm still writing from my phone so I'll update and edit later .

Thank you Mr President!

You're my hero! I was excited to hear you say you are bringing our troops home and that the war in Iraq is over! We've shed enough blood and lost too many lives to continue this war that is not ours. After TEN long years of war you are bringing our young men and women home!

It is a promise you made in your campaign and I applaud you for keeping your word to the American people. I'm sure it's not without resistance from people who live in fear and think war is the way to protect our soil.

Our commitment there is over. Let's focus on finding solutions at home. We can spend money on our shores and stop the financial and physical bleeding in Iraq. Now, what about Afghanistan?
May Peace prevail! Amen!

Critical condition...laptop

My laptop is in shutdown Mode and writing from my phone is not working for me very well.I'm Hoping to find a cure and get back up an running soon....in the meantime holdyourspace

The F Word : FRACKING

I'm jumping up on my soapbox and shouting! "Be Afraid Be Very Afraid! Water is our life sustaining resource and it is being polluted and poisoned." Don't just believe what I'm writing, read about it for yourself. I'm not a radical environmentalist, just a lazy recycler. FRACKING is a dirty word.

I was shocked out of my complacency when I saw the film Gasland. Watch it. It's scary.  Little Bush and his sidekick Cheney (they'll get theirs, karma is a bitch) got this deal passed (in '05 I think) where drilling/fracking could be done and they didn't have to follow the EPA guidelines, imagine that. Big money wreaks havoc on our land and water supply in states all across the country.  They get away with it,  and get rich,  while we get sick.

I thought "they" drilled for natural gas kind of like oil. I didn't know the process. I've learned they inject and implode the land with multiple poisons to extract the gas. It's called FRACKING.  The poisons will NEVER EVER break down. These poisonous chemicals (including arsenic) are getting into our water supply. ( Oh, and the grazing cows are eating grass poisoned by FRACKING and being served up to you)

The corporations are drilling on public land, our natural preserves, and privately owned land.  Birds are falling out of the sky dying, people can set the water coming from their  faucets on fire!  People are getting sick while big corporations line their pockets with money and move on.  It's FRACKING Criminal!

Jake the Fake

For those of you who watch the Bachelorette, (and I do) I must express a little of what my take is after watching the recent airing of Vienna and Jakes sad and expected ending. Yes, Vienna is young, and maybe a tad emotional and immature.  I have to hand it to the girl, she was out of the box and off the chain!  Vienna spoke her mind on national TV and exposed Jake for who he is.  Fake.  She may have had some tantrums, but who wouldn't with a self absorbed AH like Jake? On the last ABC airing of their demise,  I would have liked to see Vienna hold her space. She could have relished in her power instead of walking out crying, but so what? She made her point and she was real.  Angry? Yes, she was hurt and pissed. I don't think it was what she thought she was getting into when she said "Yes!" to Jake. (and to the sparkler of a ring of course.) The Bachelor/Bachelorette endings are a bit like going to Disneyland but they're fun to watch, or we wouldn't tune in.  
Who hasn't been frustrated with a man like Jake? At first he appears genuine and sincere as if he has it together. Later you discover he's totally shallow, as I think Jake is.  ABC has a vested interest in protecting Jake. I'm just pleased Vienna called him out, and that ABC didn't edit her out. "Fame whore"... yup.  I think he's uptight, has a superior attitude and believes he's the all American "good guy" and oh sooooo special.  Early on, in the previous Bachelorette, ( her name escapes me ) Jake said he had not had a relationship that lasted a year.  Now we know why.  He loves Jake.  He wants a woman for an accessory, not one who can talk.

Graduation

I went to my nieces' High School Graduation last Saturday.  There were 750 plus graduates in her class and she's a W.  The day was sweltering and thankfully, the indoor stadium was cool.  We found some good seats and family and friends settled in for a reading of the long list of the Class of Graduates of 2010.

I know my niece struggled this year with some of her classes.  She worked really hard with studying, tutoring and testing for college.  My sister asked me to send up some prayers on crucial testing days. As I read the commencement program,  I was so excited and surprised to see her name listed among those graduating with honors. They had not told me.

I found my mind drifting as the Salutatorian and Valedictorian each gave their well rehearsed and well researched speeches full of famous quotes.  I was tuned out mostly.  After the graduates received their diplomas, the principal said something that stuck. It's so simple and well worth remembering.  She said she was looking forward to learning about their accomplishments as they went out into the world.  She added, "Remember, the only limits are the ones you put on yourselves." So true in life.

At our celebration dinner afterwards, I learned my niece has been awarded a scholarship to a University in another state. Her father told her early in her senior year he was not going to pay for out of state tuition.  I remember thinking he was just being tight, and he could afford it.  I realize now her did her a favor.  There is no price to be paid, or better education, than the power of the lesson she learned by what she accomplished herself.  My niece wanted to attend a University with her close friend and she found a way.  Now I understand why she worked so hard.  She had a plan, a goal and a dream.  No limits.
You go girl!

Facing the Truth

I work with a woman whose husband left her after 17 years of marriage. He left her for a younger woman almost half his age.  He left last October so she's had time to let it all sink in.  She hasn't seen or talked with him since he left.  She told me he abandoned her and their four sons.  He has sent her some money to help with the mortgage, that's about it. She's grappling with the devastating pain, anger and some denial.  She's been working two jobs and doing her best to hold her life afloat financially and emotionally.

I see the exhaustion and pain on her face. She still goes over and over her life with him, and now the pain of being without him. Why did this happen? What could she have done differently? He told her she was jealous.  I think a part of her believes him, the cad.  It's obvious she loved him deeply and therein lies the problem.  I think she's hoping he'll come back.

If we can face the truth, he's gone and she's better off.  It will take time for her to heal.  He doesn't want to be there and it's not her fault. Midlife crisis or whatever reason, he's not responsible or trustworthy. As we talked, I learned he has lied to her many times before, she just didn't want to face it.  She has held on to him, and the life they had together, hoping and praying it would work. I learned she's given away more and more of herself in a place of desperation. Now it's all come undone.

As women, it's hard to face the truth when love is alive.  My hope for her is that she can. Valuing herself as much as she did him is a start.  I may sound harsh, I told her "...no man is worth it."  She looked at me very seriously, and I could see the doubt in her eyes.  Clarity is an amazing gift we give ourselves.  I've been there, and I know of what I speak. holdyourspace  Let go of him, and set yourself free.  There's a new life waiting for you on the other side of all this agony.

Getting Real

Why is it so hard to get real and ask for what we want in a new relationship? Our feet are off of the ground and it's as close to magical as a kid at Christmas. We're in the glow of the new and floating around in the love bubble. No one wants to have it "pop" or go away.  Seems like getting real would just be a damper and  cause it all to come to an end. But, eventually, get real we must if the relationship has any chance of lasting.  


What's hardest to talk about gets put on the back burner. First it simmers then when it's beginning to boil over we have to pay attention. Our self is talking to us and we can no longer deny it for the sake of holding on to the new. Maybe we're avoiding 'cause we know it can't last if we get real and we don't want to give up the fantasy just yet.


Bite the bullet. There's no pretending. Take a risk and  talk what it is you want in the relationship.  It's the fear of taking off our mask, and being loved (or not) for who we are at our core that is at stake here. holdyourspace If you have to pretend or stuff it, you are denying the truth of who you are, and for what?  To thine own self be true. Don't settle and don't hide. The rewards are great. You deserve all the good life has for you.